Wednesday, December 20, 2017


I miss having deep friendships.

Most people I used to spend time with before having kids have fell off my radar (or I fell of their radar... it goes both ways). My college friendships all fell away except for 1 friend that I talk to a couple of times a year. I didn't become terribly close with anyone during grad school (well, except for my future husband) - and even though I am still in touch with a few people through Facebook, we don't talk and I rarely see them because people are all over the world. Every once in a while, I get to see one of my old friends - and it's really a treat, but then it's over and we drift apart again.

I have many acquaintances - neighbors, other moms and dads from school and daycare, people at work. We meet, we chat, we talk about our kids... and that's about it.

I need more. I want to find people who are into the same things as I am, people who are passionate and curious, people who make me think and re-evaluate, people who are fun to discover new things with. These people are around me - I just need to invest the time in getting to know them.

Friendships can not be forced. I know some wonderful women that I would love to spend more time with but we don't  have that magic "click" - and probably never will. They prefer to spend time with other people because they have more in common and they share some core attitude (interest? philosophy? sense of humor? sense of style?) that I lack. When that realization hits me - "they'd rather be friends with someone else" - there is a twinge of pain, but I've been through this so many times that I can shake it off and tell myself "ah well, they are still a nice person to know and chat with occasionally, but that's where it ends, for the time being".

 Friendships need time and emotional energy. My friends in college - we spent hours talking. I really felt for them - whatever they were going through, I was willing to feel their joy and their pain. Sometimes I wonder if I am truly up to doing it now. After all, there is so much I want to do with my kids and my husband that I am not doing because, you know, "not enough time" and all that. Do I really want to take away that time from my family and sink it into friendships that may or may not work out? And then, of course, when one gets emotionally invested, one can get really burned. And I don't mean pseudo-friends purposefully hurting us. I mean - s**t happens. It's one thing when it happens to people we barely know. It's a whole different beast when something horrible happens to people we deeply care about. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

I can't have a deep friendship without being emotionally close to the other person... and the potential fallout frightens me. Because I have enough of my own locked-away demons. Because if I take in someone else's demons, that just may push me over the edge and into despair - and my family, my kids will suffer. I know I am not explaining this well enough - I am sorry. This is something that I will need to think about more, on a sunny day, with a pile of dark chocolate next to me.

I know that the older we get, the harder it is to make close friends. Perhaps it's a losing battle I am fighting. Then again - I've always been a loner and making friends never came easy. But, at every stage of my life, I managed to find a "kindred spirit" - and having that one friend made all the difference in the world. Those friendships were sometimes completely unexpected, always took time, and warm my heart to this day, even if the person is gone.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Happy Hanukkah

Weekend report.

We were supposed to go to our synagogue on Friday night for a big Hanukkah-and-latkes celebration. Unfortunately, the weather made things impossible. The event was rescheduled for the following night but we already had other plans, so we completely missed it. I was looking forward to all the lit Hanukkiahs (most people bring at least one) - I've heard that in previous years, the sight was amazing. Ah well. Instead, we had a quiet dinner at home, the kids danced (I love watching them dance; they all  have their own distinct styles) and we read some Hanukkah books.

Saturday was spent cleaning up, cooking, and food-shopping. My husband took our daughter to her dance class and then they had treats at a coffee shop. Both came home happy :) In the afternoon, we had some guests over for latkes and sufganiyot. Both turned out delicious! I was so happy. My mom made the sufganiyot and my husband deep-fried them. I was responsible for the latkes and, because I figured people would want more food (and they did) I also made some Syrian Red Lentil soup. The kids played with their friends, the grown-ups talked, and as far as I could tell, everyone had a good time. We lit the candles, we had the fireplace going, we played charades. Life was good.

Sunday: Hebrew school for the big kids, followed by the violin recital for my son, followed by a Hanukkah celebration at someone else's house. A few people from the synagogue volunteer to host a Hanukkah dinner at their house and invite the whole congregation. Everyone brings food.

For the violin recital - my son did OK. He made a mistake and stopped, but then was able to get back on track and finished his piece just fine. He said he was nervous this time because the music is getting more and more difficult. I accompanied him and I am so happy I can be part of this experience for him. I really should tell my son how much I appreciate this - playing music together.

There were also a few not-so-pleasant moments during the weekend. There always are. Kids fought. I lost my temper and yelled at one of my daughters because she kept nagging me about helping her while I was in the middle of something (ask your father, child!). Our younger daughter developed a fever our of the blue on Saturday night. Girls whined. Boy snuck chocolate into the bathroom (presumably, do sneak it into his bedroom and gobble it up after bed time). I felt tired most of the weekend. Husband felt tired most of the weekend.

Kids asked if we can make latkes again tomorrow or Tuesday. I wish...

What's your favorite fried food?

Thursday, December 14, 2017

40 and 1 day

I turned 40 yesterday.

And you know what? I love being 40. And not just because the alternative to turning 40 (=becoming dead) kind of sucks. No, I truly absolutely feel exhilarated that I am 40 years old. I feel young! I have so much to look forward to! Heck, my boss took up triathlons in his mid-40's. I don't think I'm going to start any intense sports hobbies, but hey, I could definitely start a new hobby (or revisit an old one) if I feel passionate about something.

My birthday was pleasantly low-key. My husband made a delicious breakfast of eggs and vegetables and fruit. The girls whined about the eggs (they have been on some sort of egg-strike for the last few months) - but, I figured, it's MY birthday, and they'll just have to deal with it. Number 3 and #1 ate most of their eggs, #2 made herself a peanut butter sandwich. At least everyone loves fruit (subject to change at any time). Best part of the morning was that my older daughter, who has rather long hair that gets horribly tangled, did not make a sound while I was brushing her! Made me so happy!

Our group had lunch with one of our clients in Philly, at what was supposed to be a fancy steak house. Eh. I didn't have steak - perhaps it was amazing. I had soup and salad - both were decent, but nothing out of this world. The lunch itself was fun - I like my colleagues and I like our client. We had some interesting conversations. I learned that 2 people were knitters, 1 person plays and records music (and is a drummer), 1 person plays the piano, and our client was into exercise, travel, and skiing.

My parents dropped by first thing in the morning and brought a home-made Napoleon cake that they know I love. They refused to stay for breakfast and didn't join us for dinner or desserts, but that's OK. My husband got some delicious Israeli food for dinner, we lit the Hanukkah candles, the kids sang "Happy Birthday", and then we all had a relatively drama-free relaxing evening, where kids played card games, danced to Hanukkah music, we read a few kid books, and I got some pleasant reading done by the fire (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy).

Speaking of spies...  My husband and I watched "A most wanted man" a couple of days ago. Loved it! Excellent acting, good story, minimum of violence - and a painfully satisfying ending. The movie (it's based on a novel by Le Carre) made me look up other spy movies and novels.

Do you have a favourite spy novel?

I remember liking "The Day of the Jackal" years ago...

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

A 40-year Old Fool

I am turning 40 tomorrow.

At the moment, I feel furious with myself. I forgot to enroll in FSA for next year - now the opportunity is missed and I can't change the selection until next year. I mean, really - how can I be so freaking irresponsible? I'm turning 40 tomorrow and still... and still... I am disorganized, irresponsible, I forget to do things that are financially important and have implications on our earnings and savings. I feel incapable, idiotic, and so, so angry with myself. And jus tthis morning, I had the auddacity gto get mad at one of my kids for forgetting to study for a test and not knowing where his study guide was (in my purse, because I put it there to give to him later and then forgot about). What the hell is wrong with me? Will I ever grow up or am I going to die an idiot? I find myself unable to stay on top of things.

That said - I am generally happy to be turning 40. I am glad to be alive. There are so many things I am grateful for - and I know all that can disappear in a blink of an eye. Family, job, health. House, car, piano.

I love this time of year - the early darkness, the snow (we had a first mini-snow storm this weekend) on the trees and grass, the fireplace, Chanukah, my birthday!!!

Not sure what we'll be doing tomorrow - our team has a fancy lunch meeting with a client. Our elementary school has their band/orchestra concert tomorrow evening - my kids aren't participating, but it may be fun to go watch. I am not baking anything - but if someone else gets (or bakes) me cake - there will be cake. I also want to have a super-special morning that involves a back-rub, some time to relax and daydream, no feelings of anger or frustration (that's seems to be today's theme...), and a breakfast of eggs and potatoes ... and maybe some other vegetables, too. And fruit - including pomegranate. And presents - I don't care what they are, I just want them.

I am super excited about the Chanukah presents I got for the kids this year, including tickets to the Arden Theater to see Peter Pan. I am also going to include a special "pass" this year - travelling to a nearby city with each of the big kids and taking Claire out to the zoo for some mommy-and-Claire time.

Alrighty, I feel somewhat better and less angry at myself.

Happy First Night of Chanukah tonight to all!

Thursday, October 19, 2017


September and October kicked my butt. Lame, but true.

This whole back-to-school business has been extremely stressful. Homework, forms to sign, supplies to organize - it has been very difficult this year to get used to the fall routine again. 

Parenting has been extra-difficult lately. Kids do not want  to go to bed at night and do not want to get out of bed in the mornings...  Kids talk back, whine, complain, fight with each other...  They lost all screen time for the foreseeable future. Because they were not responsible, did not listen, were rude, etc, etc, etc. Now they have to earn it back.

Work has been very, very busy.

Sleep has been...  well, I haven't been to successful at getting myself to bed at 10 pm. Sometimes, because of work. Most of the time, because evening is my time to read, watch shows, and just do mindless stuff (ie, youtube). If kids don't get to bed until 9:30, that means I don't get to do fun stuff until 10... and don't go to bed until midnight. Not good.

My husband is going out of town second time this month. It's only for a few days, but still - I need to have my stuff organized or there will be trouble. Because during that time, if I feel overwhelmed, oh tough luck... no husband to fall back on. So I really need to be (relatively) well-rested, have at least some food available to throw at kids, and plan something we can all look forward to at the end of the day.

I also need to go shopping to blasted Kohl's. Not that I particularly  like it there, but I have a 20% off coupon that expires this weekend, and kids need things to wear. Hate shopping.

Oh, and tomorrow I need to remember to take the big kids to see a doctor for the regular checkup.

Can you tell I am feeling grumpy?

Friday, September 22, 2017

Trip to Maine: Reality

To summarize: we drove 12 hours to Maine, stayed in a cute house for a week, went on bike rides, hikes and boat rides to explore the area, and then 12 hours back home.

The drive was hell. Maybe not quite - but if you are picturing happy singing kids passing snacks to each other and quietly playing "I spy", you are wrong. Kids hitting each other, whining, complaining, and screaming. Whatever games I had in mind, whatever little activities and books I brought - on the way to Maine, they worked for all of 30 minutes. Total. What saved everyone sanity were, in that order (1) Snacks, (2) Occasional stops to stretch our legs and have snacks, and (3) Audio books. On the way to Maine, we listened to "Pippi Longstocking". On the way back, we listened to "Matilda". To be fair, there was maybe a combined of 30 minutes of actual fighting and screaming, off and on, each way - but it was more than I thought. Also, the age gap... oh the age gap. While the older two were thrilled to listen to those audio books, the 3 year old was ... not quite so enthusiastic. Whenever she would get bored, she would start singing. Loudly. Which pretty much made it impossible for the other two to hear anything else. So I had to entertain her with snacks, stickers, and take frequent breaks from the stories.

My husband did all the driving. I was the entertainer, snack provider, and conflict resolver. I offered to drive (even demanded!) but he refused. I suspect he was much happier driving than dealing with the kids.

I'll have to write more about our adventures in Maine later - and these were very much full blown adventures! We had fun! Every day was something new and we managed to hit that balance where we did a lot but not too much. I also discovered that my older daughter was quite capable of enjoying hiking - as long as it involved some rock climbing, berry picking, and tide pool hunting.

I am very curious to hear how other families manage car trips...

Friday, August 25, 2017

Road Trip to Maine

Tomorrow morning we will be driving more than 10 hours to Bar Harbor, Maine. I am thrilled. I've never been to Maine before. I've heard the area is beautiful.

I am looking forward to

  •  Hiking
  • Whale-watching
  • Going to see lighthouses
  • Going on some tours
  • Wondering around the town
  • Exploring Acadia
  • Biking

I am not looking forward to...

  • Being stuck in the car for more than 10 hours
  • Kids whining
  • Kids fighting
  • Kids not listening
  • One of the children refusing to hike (bike, walk, etc)
  • Being stressed out

We hope to leave tomorrow by 7 am...
Are we packed? No.
Do we have snacks ready? No.
Have we planned any activities in Maine? No.
Can this turn into a disaster of a trip? Yes.
Will we still have fun? YES

Will we ever learn to get ready and prepare in advance? 
We have learned that poor planning leads to disaster (like our camping trip, when we forgot 1) the tarp and 2) bag with all the clothing....). But life always gets in the way - our last 2 weeks have been packed with guests, activities, back-to-school shopping, new shed, grandparents buying a house.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Midnight Thoughts on Having 3 Kids

Our kids are, as of now, 8 (almost 9), 7, and 3.5. We've had the time to adjust to being a family of 5. Well, sort of. It is hard to adjust to anything when the kids are concerned - they change, their habits change, their likes and dislikes change. As soon as we adjust to one thing, it is time for a change.

I think I wrote this already - I am glad I was completely oblivious to how hard parenting can be and how much work is involved. Oh, I definitely feel that my life is very rich and full of joy - but also, you know, exhausting.

It is amazing how much quieter an individual child is, compared when all 3 of them are together. I love having breakfast with our 3-year old - we chat, we discuss things - and I never have to ask her to keep her voice down. Not surprising really - she doesn't have to compete with the 2 older siblings. When I take my son for a "date" - he talks non-stop, but he doesn't whine. He just has so much information to share! My older daughter - we like going to a cafe to a bakery together, to have treats and bring more treats for everyone at home. She is the one who really keeps her thoughts to herself. I never really know what's going on in her head - but when she does talk, she is incredibly thoughtful and is really analyses the world around her.

The most difficult thing is the competition: "Mommy, listen to me!" "No, I was here first!" "Mommy, mommy, look here!" - all three of them all at once. This has been more of a challenge than bickering and fighting among the kids (that happens, too). I have not found a good solution, yet, so dinners with everyone sitting at the table tend to be loud (and stressful).

While I am on the subject of dinners - we are struggling to enforce the rule of "stay at the table until you've been excused." The whole "may I be excused, please?"  seemed ridiculous to me, until now.  Because now: kids are running off and coming back to the table, not finishing their food, then coming back to finish it an hour later. We definitely need to work on good manners...

Our life (talking about adults here) is incredibly stressful. We have demanding full-time jobs. And then, when we get home and are ready to collapse and just want to rest, we need to have the wisdom and patience (ahem, right...) to deal with sometimes whiny, often impatient, and always demanding three little people. And dinners, and baths, and bedtimes, and homework, and lunches, and innumerable other things. Did the addition of the 3rd child create more stress and more work? Absolutely. More driving, too (more childcare pickup, more dr appointments, more activities). And we haven't gotten to the point in our lives when kids have multiple sports/music/other hobbies (for now, the older two are doing a max of 2 activities a week, music and sport, and the younger one is just doing a weekly gymnastics class). We also haven't been scheduling any regular playdates for anyone (they happen, but rarely).

We try to have things as simple as possible... A simple life, a minimalist schedule, a minimum  of housework we can get away with. Clean laundry sits in the basket for days before we get around to folding and putting stuff away. We outsource house cleaning. We make simple food that can be stretched for more than one meal and rarely bake.

If we only had 1 child - would there be more travel? Maybe. Would there be more trips to museums, more activities, more weekend trips to cafe? Possibly. I feel like all that can be done with 3 kids, too, once the youngest just gets a tiny bit older. The older 2 are usually very good in public - they behave at restaurants, museums, concerts, etc. The youngest definitely throws a wrench in there - somehow, the balance shifts and everything gets more wild. I do hope that it's just a phase she is going to grow out of and not a permanent personality trait :)

Friday, August 18, 2017

Of Spiders and Sparrows and Tears

Last weekend, my older daughter and I were helping out at our synagogue, organizing and shelving books for the new kid-corner in their library. H. went full out helping - she was working so hard! And she was so happy to be helping along with all the grown-ups. And then, there was a spider incident: a big spider was hiding in a corner, behind an old bookshelf. There was a lot of shuffling about, and calls for a vacuum cleaner (get it quick!). In the midst of all the noise, H. very quietly knelt down by the spider, scooped it up (bare hands and all), and took the poor creature outside. There were lots of "oohs" and "aahs" and "I can't believe she it touching it". H was loving it :) She was the hero of the day.

For the second year in a row, a sparrow has made a nest inside one of our hanging plants on the front porch. Last year, we have discovered the nest with tiny chicks while watering the plants (my mother got a bit of a shock) - and then enjoyed watching them grow and, eventually, take wing. This year, we found the brand-new nest, then saw the 4 blueish eggs, and a couple of weeks later - 4 tiny, mostly naked chicks. Last week, there were only 3 chicks in the nest (not so tiny any more and mostly fluffy). A couple of days ago, we checked again - and one the chicks seemed to be not doing too well. Now I am afraid to look.... The kids want to see the nest first thing in the morning, before we leave for the day, and I have this feeling of dread that the remaining babies will be dead in their nest. I'll need to ask my husband to check in the evening, discreetly. I am afraid the mother abandoned them (haven't seen her recently) - maybe we've been making too much noise outside and checking on the birds too often...

Speaking of sad stuff... my son has really been struggling at summer camp this year. He is somewhat on the emotional/sensitive side to begin with, but usually he gets along with most kids and makes friends easily. This year - "everyone hates me, they don't want to be my friends, the kids are mean..." To be fair - he has made a few new friends, and he got to see a couple of his friends from last year, but none of them stick around for more than 2 weeks. We've had our kids in the same summer camp for the whole summer. It seemed like a logical choice - why move them around all the time, let them be at a place they know and feel comfortable, plus it is an easy drop-off/pick up for me. Now I am thinking - next summer, we'll try to do it differently. Brake it up a bit and let them try different things. The worst part is - he breaks down into tears... it really worries me that he'll be perceived as "easy target" by other kids, that the word of his crying fits will spread and will become his reputation ("here comes the crybaby..."), and that he'll be targeted by bullies. I am not helping by being annoyed with his weeping and whining (I have reasons to be annoyed that are perfectly human and understandable, but I need to figure out a more helpful attitude for both of us).

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Love Letter to the Library

Dear Library,

I love you. Thank you for letting me borrow books, and then return them! Most books I read these days are one-time books. I live through the stories once and don't feel the need to go back. Some books are awful and I am happy to forget all about them as soon as I drop them off (or they magically disappear from my Kindle). Many books are fun, but not particularly special, so I can enjoy them once and move on to other books. Some books are spectacularly amazing - I think about them fondly, but still have no desire to experience them again. And then there are a few books that I keep coming back to, in my thoughts, over and over. These are the books that I crave to re-read. These are the books I may, at some point, purchase. Because there is limited space in my house - and I already have too many books (most of which I don't look at) - I love you, library, for letting me read hundreds of books without becoming buried in book piles.

I love books... but books need to be read. They go sad and stale when sitting on the shelves for years, without being touched. So thank you, library, for this chance to read so much without the guilt of untouched books on my shelves.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Gentlemens and Ladybugs!

What our younger daughter can do (at three-and-a-half):

* Announce with pomp and circumstance: "Gentlemens and Ladybugs!"
* Ride a bike with training wheels... at least half a mile without complaining.
* Scream very loudly, pinch, and kick her siblings
* Drive bumper cars
* Dislike "scary" movies with bad guys (aka "Dennis the Menace")
* Take "Tom and Jerry" way too seriously (including thumb-in-mouth and worried facial expression)
* Fold things
* Recognize letters "C" and "O" reliably.
* Confuse "A" and "B"
* Show tremendous interest in identifying first letters in everyone's name
* Show tremendous interest in identifying printed letters (especially C and O).
* Identify numbers 1 and 2 (possibly others, we haven't gotten that far).
* Count really well to 10 and with some hilarious mistakes beyond 20.
* Sing
* Improvise words to songs
* Pretend-read books to herself
* Color and hold the marker the proper way.
* Scribble, very excitedly, and look for letters in the scribbles.
* Give excellent hugs and kisses
* Be gentle with the cat when others are watching
* Bite the cat, pull on her fur and tail when no one is watching
* Eat most things with enthusiasm and gravitas.
* Make everyone laugh.
* Blow bubbles
* Swing on the swings - all by herself!
* Jump into the pool
* Swim a little
* Do crazy underwater flips.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Thinking About Fall

So it is August. Time to purchase  all the back-to-school crap. Time to figure out who will be doing what this fall.

My son is super-enthusiastic about everything. Do you want to do soccer this fall? Sure! Swimming? Yes, he loves swimming. Pottery? Art? Theater? Robotics? I know that pretty much anything I mention, he'll be thrilled to try it. Which means, I have to limit the options and make him choose. Swimming or Soccer? Gymnastics or Basketball? My personal goal, for the time being, 2 activities per kids per season. One of those activities should be music (violin for my son, piano for my older daughter). The other activity should be something active (sports... dance... ). There will be occasional art clubs, chess clubs, or game clubs on top of that.

The youngest child, who is 3.5, has already asked me (numerous times) if I've signed her up for gymnastics.

Not yet. But I will.
 I am not ready to start her with any music lessons yet (she says she wants to do violin!), so I think she'll just do gymnastics for the time being.

Lucky for me, when my older daughter heard that her little sister wants to do gymnastics, she was quick to jump on that wagon. I am so glad I can have 2 kids doing the same thing (I found gymnastics classes that have different age groups at the same day/time). Just to be sure, I asked her if she would rather do swimming, but she chose gymnastics and said she would do swimming in the winter. I also asked her if she wanted to do soccer - she thought for a moment and then answered, in a very grown-up way "No, not this year."

I might have to think about other sports that she might enjoy that take advantage of the warm outdoor weather in September/October. Still,

There are a number of things I still want to do this summer:
* Take big kids to Franklin Institute (science museum) - there is an optical illusion exhibit there that looks really neat.
* Go on a family bike ride
* Go to one more outdoor concert (this is the last week!)
* Go to one more "dining under the stars" but just get desserts this time.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Of Swimming, Biking, and Catching Things

We spent a week in Ocean City, NJ with my husband's family (his parents and sister with husband and 2 kids). I worked 3 days from a library and then spent evenings with the kids going for bike rides or going to the beach. I had a mini-vacation for the remainder of the week. I love having this kind of flexibility.

We went to the beach every single day. I have to spell this out here - I am not a big fan of beach vacations. I am not a big fan of the beach. Before kids, I was never lying on the beach with a book (I tried... it just never worked for me). I would go into the water, suck in a ridiculous amount of ocean, then go for a walk, then leave. With kids - it's been constant vigilance. This was the first time I felt I could sit back and just watch the 2 older kids play in the water and sand (and they did play in the shallow water and sand for extended periods of time). The youngest, who is 3.5 still required constant parental vigilance (and hand-holding).

Digging for sand crabs was awesome. Unexpectedly awesome. I never thought I would enjoy it this much. Watching kids catch sand crabs was cute, sure, but there was this strange, grim satisfaction ("gotch ya!") when I would put my fingers into the sand and feel around for something hard, then drag it out and the thing would be trying to escape (futile!) by burrowing into my hand. It was so relaxing (not for the poor creature, sure) and addictive!

Then we stumbled across a tide pool with a ton of hermit crabs. I didn't like catching them as much, but it sure was entertaining watching them marching on the bottom of the sea, or fighting with each other inside a bucket full of sand and water that the kids used as a temporary holding cell for them.

Oh, and the tiny clams, moving around in my hand - mini massage! Felt so good.

We have released all the critters we caught.

Every day, there was something new at the beach...  the kids couldn't get enough. It has gotten easier, compared to the previous years... big kids can rinse off all by themselves in the shower. They can even rinse off their little sister (if she lets them). There are no diapers involved. They are bigger and stronger, so there is less wining.

Oh, oh, before I forget - this was the first year the big kids went on the "big" rides - the roller coaster. My daughter loved it. My son said it was terrifying.

Over and out.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Parents are Coming!

My parents are buying a house that's a 15 minute drive from where we live. It has been a long journey and it's not over yet. They plan to put their house on the market in a few days. They are stressed out, scared, and perhaps a little excited. They will be here at the end of August for settlement. The house they are getting will need some work: they are going to add a walk-in shower and install the washer/dryer on the main level. The walls need paint and the floors - refinishing. So they will need to hire a contractor to do the work. They also need to figure out the moving stuff - the costs, the companies, loading/unloading the grand piano.

This is going to be an adjustment for everyone. Adjustment of expectations and relationships. It's been a long time since I've lived near my mother. I predict some friction and hurt feelings on all sides.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Old Friends, New Times

We went to visit my old best friend from college. She is currently in the US for a couple of years and although I haven't seen her as much as I would like (considering she lives only two hours away), this is the second Memorial Day Weekend we spend together. Last year, they came to stay with us. This year we went to see them and stayed with them overnight.

She is truly an amazing person, a brilliant mind, and my college years were very much shaped by our friendship. Back then, she was like a sister I never had. Now - our friendship has changed, over time. It should not have surprised me. Our lives, our families, our careers have pulled us apart. We still have this deep underlying connection (or I hope we do) -  but we don't live across the hall in the dorm any more. We need to spend a couple of days just catching up, uninterrupted, but it just does not happen.

Our lives are very different. Some of our attitudes are very different.Some of the differences are forced - her life abroad has shaped her, my life in the US has shaped me differently. Other differences go deeper. My friend is a lot more ambitious than I am, she is more competitive, more hard-working... also smarter. She is more anxious about children.

We were kids when we met. And now we have kids of our own. This is crazy. And it is interesting - the kind of parents we've grown to become.

We have different ways of parenting, different ways of doing things - staying with my friend for a couple of days really highlighted that. What makes me so, so happy - they have a wonderful family, and we have a wonderful family even though our attitudes may be diametrically opposite at times. And if I will ever again wonder "are we doing this parenting thing right?" the answer is "there is no wrong and right here... figure out what works at this particular phase and go with it. It will be OK."

Friday, May 26, 2017

Of Stress, Mess, and Not Much Else

This week has been absolutely mad. I was working on a job-related paper every single night. The girls have not been sleeping well. I've been doing the absolute minimum with the family. Forget quality time and relaxed conversations. It's been a rush of getting ready, fixing suppers, packing lunches, cleaning dishes, hurrying out the door, working until midnight, reading until midnight.

I have a tendency to procrastinate that escalates horribly when I have a project that is uninteresting. This paper I was writing - 100% uninteresting. It got done, eventually - but the price is sleep deprivation, neglected kids, 3 fun books that I read instead of working (because anything, anything is more fun than that), messy house, and grumpy husband. Because when I get stressed out (due to procrastination and that awful paper over my head), I tend to withdraw from life, people, and have a strong aversion to any conversations or cuddles. Especially cuddles - I'd much rather have a fight. Now it's turned in and I am working on a project that's even worse. A nightmare project. If I didn't just get a raise (and a nice salary increase! so exciting to be making more money!) I would be tempted to think about quitting.

The school  year is wrapping up... kids are counting days until  the summer break. My mother is coming to stay with us for 2 weeks, and then it will be summer camp for the rest of summer.

My parents are still looking for a house... last week's offer didn't work out. Someone outbid them. They made an offer on a different house this week, but that's not working out, either. The seller is not willing to come down in price and my parents aren't willing to pay more than what they think is house worth (I agree with my parents, that house is overpriced).

Our strawberries are coming in. The wilds ones would be delicious if the kids were patient and would actually let them ripen. Instead, they taste almost bitter... but the kids have a blast picking them. Ah well, they'll figure it out. The Mulberry tree is forgotten for now - and I hope that those berries will have a chance to turn black and sweet before our kids descend on them (actually, I should say, raise their heads, take notice, and pick the tree clean). Peas have flowers. Blackberries have flowers. Backyard is awesome. House - not so much... needs to be organized (go-through-stuff-and-throw-everything-out).

Out for now.

Friday, May 19, 2017

House-Hunting for my Parents

My parents are looking to move to our area. Currently, they live across the country, in the Pacific NW.  They came a couple of months ago and stayed for a couple of weeks with us, hoping to find a house they liked for a price the were willing to pay. It didn't work out. My parents have some savings and they have paid off their current home, but they are  not the Rothschilds. They are reluctant to spend all their savings on a new house. They also want an all-on-one-level living situation, privacy, garage, quiet street, newer construction and open-floor plan, not too much yard, enough space for mom's full-size grand-piano, but not a huge house (because too expensive to heat and cool).

I went with their agent to look at a place that's less than 15 minute drive from our house. It's nice, cozy, all-on-one level (including a washer/dryer)... but no garage and the price is about 100,000 more than their ideal price. I told them my husband and I would be more than happy to chip in. Really - thank G-d, we can afford it. They need to decide quickly, because this house will be snatched up in no time. The hardest part is - they have to make a decision without even seeing the house!

After months, and months, and months... i just want them to find something that hits if not all the marks, then most of them. This house definitely does! The house-hunting has been driving them crazy. I just want them to start driving each other crazy about something else - packing up and moving their stuff, for example. Deciding on paint colors for the rooms. How to position furniture in their new place. Who gets which bedroom.

This house - it's small-ish, but not tiny. There is a separate room, with a separate entrance, that could work for the grand piano and mom's students. The yard is not huge but has enough space for grand kids to run around, and there is a patio with a roof where one could put a table and chairs. It's in a very nice neighborhood. They could walk to a small park. They could walk to a bus stop and take the bus to a train station if they wanted to go into the city. The could take the bus to the mall. There are grocery stores and Lowes within a close drive. It is only 15 minutes from our house!!!

I hope it works out. I hope they make an offer. I hope they don't totally hate it when they see it for the first time!

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Relaxing with children

One thing I have been an absolute failure at -

Being relaxed and calm, enjoying life at its fullest.

Being relaxed and calm can be extraordinarily hard when little ones are running around, always demanding things.

They are hungry, thirsty, have a belly-ache, all 3 want to tell me things right now at the same time, they need to go potty, they need a tissue, oops they spilled milk, they want to go outside, they want to go inside, and please mommy can they have candy, and no, they don't want to practice piano/violin, do homework, chores, get dressed or brush their teeth.

I am glad I did not know how hard the parenting thing was going to be before I had any kids. I wouldn't have understood, anyway. Now, to be honest - my kids are pretty easy-going, without major behavioral problems. So this is more of my own problem - I find parenting so hard because I kind of suck as a parent. I loose patience. I yell. I get mad.

One thing I've started noticing - the kids, when they talk to each other, they get mad and start yelling because they are mimicking my husband and me. My husband yells, too.

No, I don't yell all the time - I am a sweet and quiet person, about 70% of the time. If I don't get enough food or sleep, I am a sweet and quiet person about 20% of the time. Most of the yelling is the "Son! Come down for dinner!!! Can you hear me????" "We are late!!! Get your shoes on!!!" type of yelling. Yelling to get the attention, because the kids are in a middle of a game, or far away, or not responding after 5 times of normal-voice calling. Occasionally, it is the super-angry "How could you do this? What were you thinking? I am so mad and disappointed!!!" And then there is the ugly full-fury screaming, which happens rarely, but freaks everyone out (including myself).

So what are need are coping methods to substitute the yelling. Coping methods to deal with kids who often are not listening, coping methods to deal with anger that stems  from being exhausted and hungry, coping methods that help me reduce yelling (clean up your toys! put away your laundry!) and still get the kids to do the chores.

And oh, their messy rooms, dirty socks lying all over the house, and food squirreled away in a closet - that's a definite trigger for yelling.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Of "Little House" and Survival Mode

The kids and I are reading "On the Banks of Plum Creek" by Laura Ingalls Wilder - one of the books in her "Little House" series. I love sharing this book with them - laughing, and crying, and feeling like a part of Laura's family. My older kids definitely identify with Laura and Mary, and their younger sister is just about the same age as Laura and Mary's younger sister. There are uncanny parallels in personalities: the quiet and cautious oldest child, the observant, caring, and a bit wild middle child, and the cute toddler who is growing up fast and is able to do more every day. I love that chores and schoolwork are mentioned in almost every chapter. I love the description of their leisure time: telling stories, listening to Pa's fiddle, and playing games.

This book has reminded me to be more patient with the kids, to see the world through their eyes, to allow myself the sense of wonder in all the little things around me: the wind, the snow, the sun, the birds, the flowers.

I told the kids today - Laura and her family did not have TV, tablets, or computers. Imagine, how did they spend their time? Then I thought - they didn't have many books, either. Then I thought some more...  Laura's family had a minimal amount of possessions. Keeping things clean, neat, and organized must have been straight-forward. Yes, they had to do laundry by hand, but they only had -what - 2 dresses each? Same goes for doing dishes and dusting ...  They worked very hard (farming, taking care of farm animals, sewing and mending their own clothing). We work hard, too, just in a different way. However, many of our "hardships" are self-inflicted. My husband and I always moan about doing kid laundry - but it was our choice to have so much clothing for our 3 kids. We could ask kids to wear the same outfit a few times... but we don't, and we complain about yet another giant load that needs to go into the wash (if we had to do laundry by  hand, I guarantee we would not have as much stuff).

Laura's parents were in a survival mode. Sometimes, survival mode can be the best medicine against fatigue, procrastination, and the like - things must be done because our survival depends on it, so things get done. Whatever is not essential to survival can be dropped.

As I walk through our gigantic (warm) house, with our dishwasher, washer and dryer, indoor plumbing, and a thousand-and-one kitchen and dining things (how many bowls/spoons/pots did Laura and her family have?) - and let's not mention the toys and books - I complain about feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, trapped, in-need of a vacation from everyone and everything. Perhaps what I need is a little bit of a survival mode. Oy vey, first-world problems...

What puts you in a survival mode?
For me, it's the first 7-8 months after a birth of a child (especially 2nd and 3rd child....).

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Long Weekend Report

All 3 kids had a long weekend. My husband took a day off on Friday and took them all to the zoo. From what I hear, they had a blast (even though there was some unauthorized running off). When they got back, my husband felt exhausted and fell asleep during our youngest daughter's nap. I came home to find everyone in a sensory overload grumpy mode. Too  much fun at the zoo :)

On Saturday, we had a make-up party for our youngest daughter's 3rd birthday (she was sick the first time around). Family came to visit and we had a wonderful time. The weather was unseasonably warm and we had pizza outside, kids got to play with their cousins, the birthday girl had another chance to blow out the candles (couldn't do it 2 weeks ago, but this time she performed with gusto! The older siblings were slightly saddened by this because they were looking forward to "helping" her blow out the candles).

The cake turned out decently (if I may say so myself) and the birthday girl seemed to like it (she refused to eat cupcakes with purple icing during our family mini-party 2 weeks ago... I suspect the flavour of the icing wasn't quite to her liking - I sort of threw a bunch of things together hoping for the best). When we were making the cake, C picked out purple and orange as the colors for the two layers, and these turned out just right! I made the tried-and-true Babushka's sour-cream cream for the icing and our older daughter decorated the cake with candles and little purple flowers I bought in the baking section of a grocery store. She did a beautiful job (and she is only 6)!!! Wish I took pictures... But as it often happens, I was too busy enjoying the moment to take any pictures :) The birthday girl soaked up everyone's attention. Then all the little girls got their nails painted. I am not a huge fun of painted nails on kids (just a personal quirk), but the kids were serious about it and so into the process - before I knew it, I was doing everyone's nails and having a good time :)

Speaking of nails... our youngest is a thumb-sucker. After painting her nails, I've been telling her: "C, got to stop sucking that thumbkin, or the nail polish will come off!" At first, she would get the thumb out of her mouth with a startled and worried expression, examining her nails. Next day she came up to me and said she did not want to paint her nails any more, because she wanted to keep sucking her thumb.

The kids were supposed to have Hebrew school on Sunday, but when we got there, the parking lot was empty. Turned out, the front door got damaged by the wind a few days ago, so the crew was there to fix it and everything was cancelled. Somehow, I missed the memo. So we went to a playground, instead. It was sunny and warm - the kids had a blast and I was able to talk to my parents on the phone while the kids were going up and down slides.

We spent the rest of Sunday doing some yard work, playing, reading books, and, generally, taking it easy. My husband and I walked around our yard trying to figure out where we want to put fruit trees. We've been talking about planting apple and pear (and possibly plum and peach) trees since we moved to this house 3 years ago. Maybe this year will be the year we finally do it!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

President's Day

I took a day off to be home with our 3 kids this President's Day. I thought about taking them to a museum, a special event in the city, or a movie. I thought about the best ways to keep them busy, but not too busy (overtired = trouble). In the end, I asked the kids what they wanted to do. They wanted to go to a nearby park and to bake carrot muffins. And to have ants-on-the-log for lunch. And to do a science experiment. So that's what we did - except that science experiment. We never got to it. It was a wonderful day - a bit chaotic, but mostly peaceful and pleasantly low-key. It reminded me of the times when kids were younger (3 years ago) and I was staying home with them, and we did everything together. I feel I should take advantage of these school-free days more often, just enjoying being with kids, being a family.

There is a large park just a 5 minute drive from our house. It is mostly open meadows and hills, with lots of space to run around. There is also an open theater stage there (free summer concerts!) that was our destination on Monday.

My son brought a couple of Frisbee and small balls - while the girls were snacking (my older daughter insisted on packing snacks), my son and I threw Frisbee to each other and showed off our ball-catching skills. He is getting so good at this, I thought. I love just watching him do these sports-y things: throwing, kicking, catching, running. It always catches me off guard - how is this possible, when did he learn all this? We played for a while, until I was out of breath - he was unstoppable.

The kids then went on running up and down the nearby hill: first would come my son, running like the wind, then my older daughter, waving her arms around, and finally, the youngest, a grin on her face, screaming "Watch, mommy! Watch!" And I did watch. And they did it over and over again, not wanting to stop - ever. I even had a chance to sit down and read my book while they climbed the hill (big sister helping the little sister) and organized themselves for the next run-down-the-hill.

And then they decided to put on a dancing show. This involved a lot of whispering and giggling behind the stage (I read my book). Then my older daughter came out in a ballet mode, doing graceful pirouettes. Then the youngest would toddle out ("No, not yet! Wait! you are ruining it!") and repeat everything her sister was doing (with a solemn grace of a 3-year old). Then my son would jump from behind the stage "Ghost! Ghost!" making a scary face and the girls would scream and run off.

It was very warm, even though it was February, so the kids kept taking layers of clothing off, until they were down to t-shirts. An older couple came came to join us with their 3 granddaughters and I felt a mix of  guilt and amusement. The girls were dressed in winter jackets, hats, and mittens (although the older one threw off a couple of layers). The girls were nice and my kids liked them right away, so the kids went on to chase each other and play together. I thought "my parents would over-dress their grandkids, too, if they were watching them for the day". And then I thought "my parents would be horrified to see kids dressed in t-shirts in the middle of February... and they would be horrified at their dirty faces with drippy noses". Why is it that I never remember to bring tissues with me? Oh, but I do hate chasing them with tissues and begging them to let me wipe their noses. I really resented my mom doing that when I was a kid! And then I thought "Who cares!!!  We are having a good time!!!"

Many people come to that park to walk their dogs - sometimes without a leash. Usually, this is not a problem. I love dogs. My kids love dogs. The older kids are cautious enough around strange dogs and look to me for clues about how to react. If a friendly-looking dog drops by to say "hi", I have no problem with petting, hugging, and licking that ensues. My youngest daughter, however, will chase everything in sight to pet it, give it a hug (and a squeeze around the neck), and pull on its tail. No fear, no remorse. So our last 5 minutes in the park were marked by me running after her, screaming "gentle hands" and "no, not the tail!!!" as she went after a dog that was clearly not looking for affection. The dog was off the leash and was running around looking for food and marking territory. The owner was also nearby, with a stroller, and assured me that the dog was friendly and used to toddlers (obviously). Still, I was apprehensive. Finally, the owner put the dog on a leash and I  managed to grab my child. Clearly, I should have just grabbed her in the beginning instead of letting her chase that stupid dog. Clearly, I also need to work on getting the youngest kid to listen and respond (to commands).... preferably, immediately.

The rest of the day was mellow. My older daughter made ants-on-the-log for herself and her little sister. My son and I had sandwiches. We made carrot muffins with the older kids while the 3-year old took her nap. I took a nap while the big kids played and the youngest napped (she must have been tired after all that running in the park). Everyone played peacefully while I was making supper. Then the squabbles started, but I was ready (and rested after the nap) - so I played with the 3-year old while the 6-year old was practicing piano and the 8-year old was reading. We read, we colored, we played with blocks.

We were hoping to get some soil ready in pots and plant some seeds indoors (beans, lettuce, sunflower), but never got around to it. Next weekend!

Thursday, February 16, 2017

A Refugee in America. Part IV. Culture Shock.

Here is a list of things that culture-shocked us after we settled down in a small city in the Pacific Northwest. 

1. Cars stopping and waiting for you to cross. Even though you are not crossing at an intersection.

2. Highways (specifically, the interchanges) - it is easy to take for granted how well these are designed and maintained.

3. No pedestrians in the streets.

4. Everyone drives (usually, one person per car).

5. Buses are never crowded.

6. Where are the sky scrapers? In fact that is the first thing my grandmother asked: where are all the sky scrapers? We were surrounded by one- and two-story buildings.

7. Car phones (this was back in the 90's).

8. Hot dogs. Really? People eat dogs here?

9. Wonder Bread. Inedible, as we soon discovered.

10. Tomatoes that have no flavor.

11. Strangers smiling at you and saying hello. Creepy!!!

12. In school, test results are not announced by the teacher in front of the whole class. In fact, tests are placed face down on your desk, so that no one can see the grade.

13. Most teachers do not call on students during class. No one gets spontaneously called up to stand in front of the class, unless it's some sort of presentation that students had time to prepare for.

14. Pregnant girls in school. Girls bringing their kids to school picnic. (I thought they were younger siblings).

15. If you do't like your purchase, you can return it.

16. Vegetables and fruits are available at the supermarket all  year round. They don't always taste the way the are supposed to.

17. When you want to buy salt, or sugar, or flour - you are faced with choices of multiple brands. Too  many choices!!!

18. Salted cucumbers are called pickles.

19. Toasters. Why toast the heart and soul out of good, fresh bread?

20. Refrigerating and/or freezing bread. Now those toasters make a little more sense.

21. While we are on the subject of bread: most of inexpensive pre-cut, pre-packaged bread tastes like cardboard. Finding good-quality, tasty, fresh bread is still a challenge (and I've been here for more than 20 years).

22. Shopping in bulk.

23. Schools closed when an inch of snow fell.

24. Temperature and measurements - Fahrenheit! Feet! Miles! I knew that US had its own measurement units, but it still took years to get used to it.

26. Everyone wearing sneakers. All the time. Even with skirts. (I know it's not true - but it just looked that way).

27. Many women do not wear make-up.

28. Most women do not wear heels.

29. People wear weird stuff when they go grocery shopping (like pajamas...  or lounge pants).

30. Doughnuts, sodas, marshmallows = yuck.* Even though everyone claims these things are amazing.

30. But the biggest culture shock of all was moving to Chicago after 6 years in the Pacific Northwest. 

*That might be just a personal quirk - most of my extended family enjoys both doughnuts and soda drinks. Not sure about marshmallows.

Monday, February 13, 2017


We had a wonderful weekend in NY state, visiting friends we haven't seen for many months. Their oldest daughter turned 5 and they had a big party for her that involved lots of bouncers, pizza, cakes, and probably the best party favors I've ever seen (stuffed animals, model airplane kits, blow-up toys, and a neat little baggy to hold everything). The kids had a blast. We went to the friends' house after the party (I was amazed at their stamina - they hosted our family of 5 and another family of 4.... that made 8 kids ranging from 17 months to 8 years). I loved seeing all the kids playing together - they got a little wild at times, but were  having tons of fun. We also got together for lunch the following day at a Greek place - that got a little stressful (too many kids who wanted to play instead of eating), but, overall, was awesome. We don't go out to eat much as a family (last time was about 6 months ago), so it was also a good experience for kids and a reminder for us that it could be done! Nothing got spilled, nothing was broken, and no one threw a tantrum.

We stayed at a hotel and it worked out beautifully. Kids were so tired from all the partying, they settled down pretty quickly. There was initial whining and complaining about who was going to sleep where (there were two full size beds), but they figured it out. My husband collapsed on a bed with one of the kids, the oldest and the youngest were snuggled up together, and I settled down on a sofa intending to read. Next thing I knew - I woke up and it was morning. I was on the sofa by myself - no children lying on top of my, kicking me, or grabbing my hair. It was such a gift... I started to realize a few weeks ago that the constant physical contact from at least one of the kids all night long was wearing me out. I don't know how well I can recharge my batteries without having a certain number of hours of personal space.

The hotel had a very nice breakfast with lots of healthy choices and then we all went for a swim in the pool. We were only gone for a day and a half, but it felt longer. This getaway - it did something to me. Shook me awake, in some way. Like a cup of coffee. Energizing.

And now the bad stuff.

As I was relaxing on Sunday night in front of the TV, replaying the weekend in my head, I realized I said some things I should not have said. I showed a terrible lack of sensitivity. A friend's father had just passed away a few weeks ago, and I went on a semi-random rant about the finality of death and how I didn't understand the concept of afterlife. I've been so preoccupied with my own feelings and my own drama, I failed to be kind. I am trying to figure out what is better - to call my friend and apologize to her, or just to move on like nothing has happened and hope I am blowing things out of proportion and no one cared about what I said.

Then my son threw up. All over his bed. Then he threw up again... all over the wall, the floor, and his sister's bed. My husband was furious. He freaks out when people as much as cough in his direction, and here there was throw up... all over the place.

In the morning, my daughter started throwing up (on our bed).  Right now (evening), my husband is throwing up.... I guess my youngest and I will be next.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

A Refugee in America, Part III

In May of 1994, when we were about to fly out of Moscow to JFK, I saw my father for the first time in about 9 months. Because of  new visa requirements in Latvia, it was deemed too difficult and too expensive for him to come visit us. He did come once during that last year in Latvia - I can't exactly remember why. It was some emergency-type situation, something to do with paperwork and emigration, and he had to come right away. His brother-in-law, my uncle Boris, who lived in Riga most of his adult life and was a legal resident (but not a citizen) took an overnight train to Grodno, Belarus. My dad took his passport and took the next train to Latvia. Uncle Boris and my dad look nothing alike, aside from stereotypical Semitic noses. Eye color, height, hair - all different. It was a huge risk - but it all worked out. Dad smuggled himself into Latvia, took care of whatever it was that needed to be taken care of, and went back to Grodno to give uncle Boris his passport back. 

You need to understand - border patrol - that was no joke. Those men - they were always men - had power over the simple mortals like us. When USSR fell apart, my family ended up separated in different, independent countries. My mother and I were in Latvia. My father and his parents were in Belarus. My mother's sister and parents were Kharkov, Ukraine. My mother's brother was in Russia. Visiting each other became a nightmare. Each country had its own currency, its own laws, and its own border patrol. There were sanctions against people smuggling stuff from one country and into another. You were not allowed to bring more food than what you could eat on the train. You were not allowed to bring anything that could be identified as potential merchandise, to be sold for profit, by the border patrol. 

We never ran into problems - perhaps because my mother always put some crisp dollar bills into her passport. One poor lady failed to do so, on the way from Belarus to Latvia. She was bringing a large chunk of cheese with her. "It is for my son! he loves this cheese and it is impossible to buy in Riga!" - she screeched. The patrol forced her off the train. She reappeared 30 minutes later, minus the cheese, ruffled up and furious. It is a somewhat amusing story - but this is what I mean. Power corrupts. Those men - they knew they could do anything they wanted and there would be no consequences. They were in control.

Those guys were puppies compared to the border patrol in Sheremet'evo, when we were leaving Russia. Each refugee was allowed  to have 2 bags with very specific weight limits and dimensions. We were very careful about the weight part. These were canvas bags, made from the army-grade tent fabric. Very sturdy, very light. The problem with canvas bags - they were a bit shapeless. They had budges, bumps, and sometimes got a bit distorted - depending what was inside. 

Think for a minute - if you had to move to another country, a place so unknown and so alien that it may as well be Mars - what would you bring? We kept asking our relatives who already were in the US - what should we bring? They said - don't worry about anything, we'll provide everything you need. You can buy anything here, this is America. Bring things that are meaningful, nothing else. No plates? No tea sets? No pots and pans? Really? We brought our treasured cassette player. It was rather big and bulged out. Grandma brought her favorite pillow. Another gigantic bulge. It was less than an inch, but two of the bags did not fit the standard dimensions. The border patrol said - go over there, take stuff out, until the bags are of proper size.  Grandparents were sitting on chairs safe distance from Tamozhnya, they were not aware what was happening. Parents asked how  much. It was $300 dollars and we got our bags through. The guy in the line next to ours was only charging $200. "Don't say anything to grandpa" - my parents hissed at me.

Inside the airplane, the flight attendants,  smiles plastered on their faces, gestured for us to move, move, move, keep going, going, going. There were no assigned seats and everyone assumed those at the head of the line would get the best seats. Nope. We were one of the first families to get on board - and we ended up in the very tail, right next to the bathrooms. My mom made a long-suffering face, no doubt thinking about the smells we'll be experiencing for the next 8 hours. My grandparents, who went into a sort of hibernation, did not have far to walk  to the bathroom - and that was a very, very good thing.

I ended up being one of the only people on the flight who spoke any English. I felt so grown up and proud to be translating various requests.

In a few hours, we would be landing in JFK. It was terrifying. It was exciting. I kept thinking about my best friend that I would probably never see again. I thought about a bitter poem by Lermontov that we had to memorize in school. He wrote it as a good-bye note to Russia when he was exiled for his political views. I tried to not think about the future - it was so close I could almost touch it and yet, I had no idea what to expect. Ahead was all darkness, the absolute unknown. It was a little like dying, I thought. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

A Refugee in America. Part II.

Back to 1992. After the breakup of the USSR, things got rough. Everyone lost their savings in the early 90's. Economy was non-existent. I remember, how in the course of a year, the price of bread went up from  20 kopeck (cents) to 5 rubles (dollars). My family went from being fairly well-off, by Soviet standards, to nothing. 

You may have heard about stores with empty shelves during the 80's-early 90's, how hard it was to buy basic necessities (all true...). Early 90's in Latvia were a little different - there was a lot of stuff being imported, including food and clothing. We could afford almost nothing. 

When we lived in the Far East in the 80's, because of the deficits of - everything - my father received part of his salary as canned and dry goods. We had boxes and boxes of canned fish and meat, flour, sugar, and dry milk that pulled us through the three years, 1991 to 1994 in Latvia. We only had my mom's part-time job's salary (music teacher) to live on. Dad's military pension was in Belarus (in Belorussian currency known as "bunnies"). He calculated once that his monthly pension was enough to buy 20 loaves of bread. My parents decided to set that money aside as savings (whatever was left after dad supplemented his parents' pensions to pay for apartment and food). 

Don't get me wrong - I am not complaining. I never went hungry. I was sometimes cold, but that was because of fuel shortages ("extras" like running hot water got cut off first). Some people installed little stoves in their apartments that burned kerosin. We used a little space heater when things got rough in the winter (electricity was expensive). There were some inconveniences, but no more than that. We did not have a telephone. My parents never bought anything for themselves. I wore lots of hand-me-downs. Through it all, my parents payed for my private English lessons. We had it much easier than our family and friends in Ukraine (every time we came to visit, I felt like a rich little brat).

In  the fall of 1993, we got an invitation for an interview at the US Embassy in Moscow that would determine whether or not we would be granted the refugee status.

Fall 1993 in Moscow was the Russian Constitutional Crisis, the standoff between Yeltsin and the parliament. Tanks in the streets, tanks were firing shells at the government building, an attempt to take over the Ostankino broadcasting tower .. it was madness. Dad was unable to get a legal residency in Latvia and was staying in Belarus (there were also some weird guest visa issues, I don't remember details). Communication between my parents was spotty (remember - we had no phone; letters got lost half the time). My mother was going through the roof with worry. It was an absolute miracle and unbelievable luck that the crisis got resolved just  days before we arrived in Moscow for the interview. 

At the interview, we never got past the first question. Where do you live? Latvia and Belarus. Two countries? Are you divorced? No. Why don't you live in one country?  ....Because we can't. My father, as ex-military, couldn't get residency (equivalent of a green card) in Latvia . He could not work there. In 1993-1994, he needed  a visa if he wanted to come visit us. My mother and I were legal residents in Latvia, which meant that I could go to school and mom could work. However, we didn't receive citizenship because we were not ethnically Latvian and did not have immediate family who lived in Latvia prior to 1945. I could become a citizen if I married a Latvian citizen. My parents weren't enthusiastic about me marrying anyone at that point in time.

In Latvia, we had a place to live - an apartment on a former military base. We didn't own it, we payed rent - but somehow, my parents managed to put a claim on it, their names were assigned to that apartment. In Belarus, where my father lived, my mother couldn't get a citizenship. Because she wasn't born there. Remember, all these countries became independent, sort of, and established their own laws, their own currencies...  It was madness. Mom was married to my father, who was born in Belarus, but based on our understanding of Belorussian laws of that time, it would take something like 20 years before she could apply for citizenship. The biggest problem was - we had nowhere to live in Belarus. My father lived with his parents, in a small 1-bedroom apartment. Everyone was less than thrilled at the idea of all of us moving in together with grandma and grandpa's.

The embassy official who interviewed us looked confused. In the end, she granted us the refugee status. Mom and I went back to Latvia, and dad went back to Belarus. We would be allowed to bring 2 bags per person on the flight to the US. We were forced to become minimalists, to purge, to discard almost everything we owned. Some things we sold (piano, some books, furniture), some things we gave away (most books, music records, clothing), and some things got thrown out (I don't want to think about that). I stood on a street corner and sold stuff... fancy pencils and markers that I never used, books, random souvenirs, tea cups and fancy spoons... That was an interesting experience and more fun than I expected. It was kind of like a game, trying to figure out who was going to stop and look at what, who would pay without bargaining, and who would argue about the price (I was under orders from my parents to agree to whatever price people named). Best part - I got to keep the money. After currency exchange, I had about $5 - it was a start!

To be continued...

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A Refugee in America. Part I.

Recent political developments made me think about my family's past. We are refugees. We are lucky: we never had to live in a refugee camp. My parents and I never experienced war (I pray that neither I, nor my children, nor my children's children ever will).

There was a sequence of events that lead to a point of no return: the realization that my family had nothing left to loose except each other. That, in turn, led to the gargantuan decision - the decision to emigrate.

In the summer of 1991, we found ourselves in Latvia, a former republic of the USSR that declared its independence in 1990. Russia was just beginning to withdraw its military forces from the Baltic States. My parents were frantic with worry and were trying to figure out what to do next.

America first appeared on the horizon sometime in 1992, just a few months after the break up of the USSR.  My father had just retired from the army (he was a military doctor) and at that time he could still stay in Latvia without much difficulty. We lived in a comfortable 1-bedroom apartment on the territory of a soviet army base, outside a small town. All current and former soviet army personnel was labeled "occupants", although the local Latvian population never showed any animosity and were always helpful when my mom and I were learning Latvian language. My parents really wanted to stay there, but with new residency and citizenship laws it didn't look like we would be welcomed to remain in Latvia permanently.

There were no prospects for my parents in Russia. Or Ukraine. Or Belarus. We didn't have Russian citizenship (because we were in Latvia at the time the Soviet Union ceased to exist). My dad managed to get a Belorussian citizenship because he was born there and his parents still lived there. Based on our understanding of the laws at the time, it would have taken my mom something like 20 years before she could have applied for citizenship in Belarus. The whole thing was a circus...  Our family was split apart by newly-formed countries (each with their own currency, official language, and border patrol). I had a set of grandparents in Belarus, a set of grandparents in Ukraine, cousins in Latvia, Lithuania, and Russia. Visiting each other was becoming more and more difficult.

There was no easy way out. No matter where my parents would go - they would have to start from zero. Add the economic turmoil and loss of all savings... my parents had to start from zero without any sort of safety cushion. The future looked bleak. The future looked like there was nothing left to loose (financially speaking).

I don't remember if my parents ever asked my opinion about immigrating to the US. 
Do you want to go to the US? 
Do you want to go to Mars? 
Isn't it impossible? Or, at least, very very difficult? 
Is there even life on Mars?

US made no sense. US was made up of Fenimore Cooper, Jack London, O'Henry, Ray Bradbury and Arthur Clark. American school was described in "Up the Down Staircase" by Bella Kaufman. Together with episodes of "Saved by the Bell" - none of it made sense and I wondered if any of it was real. Perhaps the whole "America" was a figment of someone's imagination.

If my parents asked, I would have probably mentioned Israel. In 1991, my cousin who used to live in Riga (capital of Latvia) made aliyah to Israel, at the tender age of 18. She was  going to college, dating, hiking, learning Hebrew...  She had a life. She even sent us the summons necessary to start  our own aliyah (it also made my life quite miserable for  the next 2 years, but that's a different story). 

If my parents asked me, I would have said "Lets go to Israel. There is definitely life in Israel."


I knew we had distant relatives in the US. My family, like most families, had its share of drama. In the early 1900s, my great-grandmother married against her parents' will. Her husband had a criminal record in Tsarist Russia: he was a communist and spent time in jail. The family disowned her and went to America. She stayed in Belarus and went on to have 7 children. 

Periodically, the American relatives tried to contact my family in the USSR. My grandfather ran into a bit of troubles in the 50's, when he received a parcel from the US and was nearly kicked out of the Communist Party for "fraternizing with the enemy". My grandfather did a smart thing that probably saved him from being arrested  - he delivered the package to the head of the local branch of the Communist Party, told him this package had nothing to do with him and this whole thing was a provocation from the "decaying West". 

What I never heard discussed was that one of my grandfather's sisters immigrated to the US sometime in the 70's or 80's. In 1992, she sent the summons to her little brother, enabling us to start the paperwork process. She passed away a few months before we came to the US, so, unfortunately, I never had the chance to meet her.

To be continued....

Friday, February 3, 2017

Five Reasons to Leave the Lab

Why do women (and men) leave academic science (pre-tenure)?

1. Science is not for everyone. It requires grit, stubbornness, ability to think strategically, thick skin, and passion.

2. Financial side: salaries for post-docs are decent (enough to live comfortably as long as you don't live in a super-expensive area and don't have expensive hobbies/multiple kids; if you do have kids, it helps to find affordable childcare or rely on family/spouse for childcare). However, lets face it: you could make MORE money elsewhere.

3. Funding: it is very tight and it is not getting better in the  near future*. It is really, really hard to get grants for your research (not impossible... just HARD). There has been a fundamental paradigm shift, with universities getting research money from pharmaceutical companies. On one hand, this is a wonderful opportunity for a number of labs (since the government money is drying up). On the other hand, there are plenty of caveats here. 

I can't help but wonder about the projects that end up being dropped... Pharma is going to fund projects that they hope will make them money. Novel therapeutics, novel drug targets for big-name diseases, novel medical devices. NIH grants also tend to favor disease-based applied science. What about all other science? Not the targeted science (lets find cure for XYZ), but the fuzzy, open-ended science. The "science for the sake of science" that is meant to help us understand how things work, be it on the protein, cellular, or whole-animal level? I am afraid that in our race to find novel ways to treat disease, we may miss some fundamental facts. In the long-term, that is going to be crippling to the scientific progress (and prevention/treatment of disease).

4. Health. Working with carcinogens, radioactive materials, foul chemicals - long term can add up to health issues. We all tend to get sloppy...

5. Work environment: egotistical, screaming colleagues who like to take all the credit (if you are really unlucky, that's your boss). 

To be fair, I've been extremely fortunate to have good mentors and to work with amazing scientists who had integrity, sense of humor, and willingness to share their knowledge and expertise. With one exception, I am so glad I got to know them!


There are countless reasons why different people would leave academic science and start a new career... It may have been an agonizing decision or the only way forward. One way or another, for many of us, it was time to move out (of the lab) and move on.

*Some of my colleagues ended up leaving the country instead of changing career paths. One, a brilliant crystallographer, got a professor positions at Nankai University (China). Another, a neurobiologist, got a  position at the University of Seoul (Korea). 

Thursday, February 2, 2017

The Best of Academia

What I loved ( and still miss) about academia

1. The people. The amazing, knowledgeable, sometimes quirky people from all over the world. I've worked with scientists from Brazil, China, France, Germany, Great Britain, Indonesia, India, Israel, Japan, Korea, Mexico, Russia, Taiwan,Turkey, Ukraine, US, Venezuela. The opportunity to get to know them has been a privilege and I am thankful for it. A few became close friends. One became my husband. 

2. Free access to most of the academic journals under the sun.

3. The Library. Big-name universities usually have amazing collections. Better than any public library  I've seen in the US so far (although I am very much in love with our local public library).

4. The "other-worldliness" of the ivory tower. I felt like my childhood wasn't really over as long as I stayed at a University. 
I still can't believe I am a grown up and will turn 40 this year, but somehow, being in the "real world" with a "real job" makes me feel like I should be a grown-up.

5. The snob-factor: I loved saying "I am a scientist in the department of xyz at such-and-such univeristy!" 

What is your favorite thing about your academic job?

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Positive Thinking vs Reality vs Pessimism... What's Worse?

I come from a family where admitting that you are happy or hopeful about something meant you were inviting a disaster. The way to prevent this possible disaster from striking you down was to immediately downplay the good and point out the not-so-good.

If I said: "Mom, I am really good at math!"
The response was: "Tfu, tfu, tfu over the left shoulder! Knock on wood! Now if only you could be more organized!"

If I said "Mom, I think I am going to win this competition"
The response was: "Well, okay... just don't be upset if you don't. If only you would keep your room clean..."

If I say "Mom, my daughter is doing great in school!"
The response is "Good for her! Now if only she would start eating meals like a normal person..."

My mom is a wonderful person and a very good mother. She has, however, developed a talent for seeing the worst in everything (what's the opposite of silver lining?). This eternal forced pessimism drives me mad. No matter how wonderful, how beautiful, how amazing things are - she'll find something negative. The scary thing is - I think she is actually an optimist by nature... but she trained herself to be a pessimist, she practically cocoons herself in it. She is getting worse, too. I certainly don't remember her being such a negativity-seeker when she was in her 30's and 40's.

I understand it - this magical thinking. We have so little control over the most important things in life (health, getting pregnant, life/death, to name a few) that engaging in magical thinking make one feel just a tiny bit more in control. As long as you think about bad things and point them out to everyone else, they will not happen. E is sneezing... Oh no!!!! He will surely end up with yet another ear infection! Bragging and/or feeling proud of good things means they will never happen again. Unless you somehow downplay/twist them. H is playing very nicely with C, but surely it will not last more than a couple of minutes.

I assumed that I would be so different than my mother, so much better. 

Ha.  Ha-ha.

I am just like her. I always think about the worst-case scenario (well... sometimes, it makes me feel better when I know what's the worst I can expect). I look at my husband and see faults and problems. I look at our kids and I worry about drug addiction, anorexia, and trouble of every kind (this, in turn, drives my husband nuts). 


I used to be a part-time optimist (hope for the best, prepare for the worst). Now I am not sure anymore...  All I see ahead of me is aging, piling up health problems, loss of loved ones, and death (not necessary in that order). I think this is the mid-life crisis...  


There is this truism: everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Will pessimism prepare me for failure? Because sometimes, failure is inevitable. Does pessimism make it easier to bear failure? If you expect to fail, then is your failure actually a success because you have fulfilled the expectation? You can give yourself a pat on the back and say "Yup, I knew this was going to happen! Oh well, time to move on." Sometimes, failure precedes being good at something - so unless you (pessimistically) are prepared to fail and expect to fail, you can never succeed. Twisted logic, isn't it - doesn't it make sense, though?


 I want to be too involved in my life to worry about the general outlook. I want to enjoy what I am doing and the people I am spending time with. I don't want to be pessimistic, optimistic, or realistic. I just want to be alive.