Friday, January 9, 2015

Discontent

It is never too late to learn.  I'm learning things about myself that I should have known...  I've been impatient with the kids and unproductive all around,  blaming it on being tired... being stressed... not getting enough "me" time... not getting enough sleep.  Really, all along it's been this undercurrent of discontent.  It's been eating away at me, spoiling the present and making me feel so uncomfortable inside my own skin.


The difficulty is - I am not certain what the cause of the discontent is.   Is it that I'm staying home with the kids and not working? Is it that I am being so cowardly about pursuing the next step in my career? Is it that I have so easily slid into the role of a stay-at-home mother and wife?


My youngest is 11 months.  I am no longer in a "survival mode".  The older kids are 6 and 4.  Perhaps this discontent is because I am getting restless and ready to get back to work full time.  And yet - it is so nice, being home.  Seeing my oldest off to school and picking him up from the school bus.  Taking the kids to the park or the library on Monday morning.  Things like taking kids to the doctor, or grocery shopping (no crowds to fight on Thursday morning), or letting a sick kid stay home from school - so much easier now while I am home!


On the other hand, I feel like I am being lazy and wasting my PhD...  you know, staying home, doing nothing.


Sure, it is convenient to stay home.  I take care of the kids, cook, do laundry.  I really grew to enjoy most of this stay-at-home stuff.  The question is, will i still be doing all the same things 10 years from now?  Is that what I want?  After the youngest was born, it was in everyone's best interests for me to stay home for a while.  Then, I lost my job (problems with funding).  So now what - do I just stay put (not sure that is so good for me or the family long-term), get back into research (meh...) or start something new?


If I am to be honest with myself, I am terrified.  I am afraid of change.  I am afraid to try something new.  I feel so cocooned right now, so snug in my current situation.... but it is not good for me, I know.  If I will be too afraid to make changes, changes will still happen (such is life!) except that I wilI will be caught as a passive "deer-in-the-headlights". Not good.

Are you content with where you are in life?

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