Escaping Into Fiction

 Remember how I mentioned that I spent most of the last weekend reading a book? It was “Den of Wolves” by Juliet Marillier. I didn’t love it, I found the main characters somewhat annoying and not particularly believable. It got too much into the touchy-feely territory. But the stories the author wove together were excellent. They were based on Irish folklore, I believe, and they definitely had a real folklore feel to them. These stories felt real, and meaningful, and like something I could reach out and touch. I had a hard time putting that book down –  because of these intricate stories that were fading in and out of the main narrative.

There was also one paragraph that struck true for me. It felt like the author reached out and told me why I loved books, told me that escaping into stories made me stronger.

From “Den of Wolves” by Juliet Marillier:

“…when you felt sad or angry or hopeless, a story could help. A story could lead you into a different world for a while. It might be a world where a foolish youngest son could turn into a brave and clever hero, or a beaten woman could end up as a wise leader of folk. And when the story was ended and that world was gone, you still had the idea of it inside you. Like a flame that didn’t go out even when the bad things rattles and swirled and screamed, and worse, oh, much worse, when they whispered and goaded and tormented.”

Musings on Being Weird

“If you are weird and you know it clap your hands!!!”

*clap*  *clap*  

At what point does social awkwardness turn into weirdness?

People terrify and mystify me. There are too many unspoken and unwritten rules of “proper” conduct. There are too many taboo subjects. There are oh-so-many opportunities to blab the wrong thing at the wrong time. There are even more opportunities to NOT say the right thing at the right time.

When I was a kid, I used to watch my cousin with a mix of awe and jealousy. He would open his mouth and words would come out, effortlessly! He made talking to people look so easy.

Having a conversation is hard work! Stressful, too (plus, occasional mild stuttering is an annoying thing I have to deal with). My conversation skills do tend to get better with practice. Of course, with working from home, the pandemic, and my general tendency to avoid people (I guess I am shy?), I haven’t been practicing much. 

I am sort of naturally rude, without meaning to be. That cousin I mentioned? When he used to call, he would go through 20 minutes of asking questions about random things (and I would be like, get to that point, what do you want?). 

In contrast, this is me, on the phone: “Hello? Vlad? Do you have any potatoes I could borrow? Great, thanks. Bye.” And only after I hang up, I would think “oh crap, I forgot to be polite”…. I was supposed to ask about Vlad’s mother’s health, chat for a bit about random things, ask about how the new puppy was getting on, mention the weather, explain that we built a new fire pit and were planning to bake some potatoes, ask if he needed anything, and at some point during this lengthy conversation inquire if they had any potatoes.

I’ve learned to say “please” and “thank you”, you would think I would be able to learn (by now) to include polite (if pointless) small talk as appropriate…. I wish I was better at those little conversations with acquaintances.

Every once in a while, I get a feeling that neighbors and kids’ friends parents are looking at me a little funny. So am I truly weird or just a little strange? (Or is this onset paranoia?) 

Or did I totally fail to become assimilated after coming to this country more than 27 years ago, and  I'm having a hard time fitting in because, darn it, I am too much a product of the USSR? 

Rhetoric questions :)

Dear Reader, do you ever feel, after a conversation with someone, that one of you is weird but you can't tell if it's them or you?

Weekend Report

Happy Monday!

Of course, it is a generally accepted fact that Mondays are hard. Понедельник - день тяжелый.

It was hard to get out of bed this morning. I am still a bit groggy and discombobulated. 

But… all 3 kids made it to the school bus on time. Everyone had breakfast. I am on my 2nd cup of coffee. 

The weekend felt kind of unsatisfying… Mostly because I escaped into a book every chance I had, resulting in a not particularly productive couple of days. But reading was fun!

Friday was crazy and stressful. First thing in the morning, my daughter called me from school and said she forgot her computer and could I bring it to school. My first reaction was – nope! I got to work! And then I felt bad, because… it happens. We all forget stuff. Isn’t it nice when there is someone who has your back and can help out? Also, the school is only about a 3 minute drive from our house. So, after agonizing for about an hour, and checking my work schedule, and realizing that I didn’t have too much work that morning, I drove to school to drop off the computer. 

And then right around the time kids were coming home from school, things got really crazy at work. One of the clients didn’t like the information I sent her (the information that they requested), and wanted something else, but didn’t provide much guidance on what it was they wanted instead of or in addition to the stuff I spent 2 days putting together. And, of course, they wanted all that RIGHT NOW, so between 3 pm and 8 pm, I was super stressed, snapping at everyone, trying to finish up that project and sending out frantic emails while also taking care of kids and getting dinner on the table. I was hopping mad! With the client, with the kids, with the husband, with the world…

And then I was done… and I could relax… and I felt like I needed an escape, so I read and read and read. I don’t even remember what I was doing most of Saturday besides reading. There was some laundry, there was a soccer game (and my son was pretty grumpy with me because he thought I was reading through most of his game – but no, I actually watched quite a bit!). I made some pumpkin bread muffins to take to the neighbors who were throwing a Halloween party. We went to that party and chatted with other grownups while the kids were playing.

Sunday was Hebrew school, and more laundry, and more reading (I finished the book Sunday night and felt like I had eaten way too much candy in one sitting… It was one of those books – fun to read and you want to see what happens next, but probably would have felt better if I read it over a longer period of time). 

My husband made a big fire in our fire pit, and we had dinner right there next to it, and baked potatoes, and brought out marshmallows for roasting. The next-door kids and their mom came over and brought proper stuff for making s’mores. Then the across-the-street kids came over and also had some s’mores. Then there was a game of basketball in our driveway. Then it was late and getting dark and I had to pretty much force everyone to go home because Monday tomorrow.

And then there was the not-so-sweet ending to Sunday. We usually do a movie night on the weekend. This weekend, it just kind of happened that the movie got skipped but I promised the kids could watch something for 20 minutes if they got showered and in their pajamas super fast. And they did, and they sat down to watch their movie. And then I heard fighting and screaming and crying. It was awful ugly mean nasty fighting between our 2 older kids (power struggle? Jealousy? All of that plus something else? Not sure). I sent the kids who were fighting and screaming to bed. The youngest one stayed out of the fight and got to watch a cartoon with me for 10 minutes. And that was that.

This morning, the older 2 were chatting away happily with each other, as if nothing happened. Our daughter packed up her backpack (computer, water bottle, clay that she needs for one of her classes) yesterday night so that she wouldn’t forget anything.

Did I mention I feel exhausted? I could use a nap (because I stayed up really late on Saturday reading that book and it will take me a few days to get caught up on sleep).

Stuttering

I have a dirty little secret. I stutter. I do my best to hide it.

It’s not severe and most of the time it doesn’t bother me. It’s kind of like hiccups – mildly embarrassing and super annoying, but doesn’t really interfere with quality of life.

At one point, when I was a teenager, the stuttering got pretty bad. It was soon after we came to the US, so was probably caused by a combination of stress and new language. Answering the phone was a torture. Family friends recommended speech therapy. It didn’t cure the stutter but it helped with some other things. After some months, it got better. The more comfortable I felt speaking English, the more fluent I was, the less I stuttered. Interestingly, when I was taking German in college, I would stutter terribly when trying to speak German in class. Now-a-day, I stutter more in Russian than in English (probably because I find it easier to speak English, even though Russian is my native language...).

I do my best to avoid stuttering. I can participate in a conversation and all that, no problem, especially if I can get away with one- or two-word responses (“That’s fantastic!” “Oh, no!!!” “Really?” “How interesting!!!”). 

Except every once in a while, a word gets stuck. I usually can sense what’s coming and quickly substitute with a more comfortable word. Like saying “ahhh, this is great!” instead of “t-t-t-t-tasty”. What kills me is when I get stuck on my name. So when someone asks “And what is your name” and I stare back at them and it’s kind of mortifying because I know I am going to have to stutter through it. It’s unpleasant, embarrassing, and probably looks super-weird. Sometimes, I do say “Sorry, I stutter, I got stuck on my name. I am not trying to be purposefully weird.”

It really annoys me when people assume that I stutter because I am nervous. Most of the time, I don’t stutter when introducing myself (but I do tend to start with “Hi, I am Natasha” instead of just saying “Natasha”). I just stutter, nervous or not. When I read to my kids, when I speak to my friends. Not constantly, just every once in a while, a minor “Once upon a t-t-time”. It’s just that some pathway in my brain responsible for language is a little "off".

Annoying. 

But certainly not the end of the world.

Weekend Report

This was not a great weekend. I still feel sad about it.

I took a day off on Friday because the kids were off from school. I was so looking forward to spending time with the kids, going on a hike, reading, playing... And then reality happened. One of my kids and I had a fight and I spent most of the day feeling furious. Ugh. Still, we met some friends in the park and spent about 4 hours wondering around and exploring, so it wasn't a total waste of a day. It just wasn't what I wanted it to be. And I still feel the aftermath of being angry with that kid - and it wasn't the first time they did their best to sabotage, consciously or unconsciously, family activities.

 I find the disconnect between anticipation and reality so jarring, it is sometimes (always?) better to just not to put much time into looking forward to things. Then I can be pleasantly surprised by how well things went or I can just roll with the punches, so to speak. At least, I will not have that heavy feeling of disappointment (in myself, kids, humanity, etc) when things don't go the way I was hoping to.

On Saturday, we went to meet a potential new cat. The cat was not at all in the mood to meet us. Ah well. Then soccer games, a bunch of activities on Sunday....

And then, there was Monday. We all slept through alarm (second Monday in a row), which meant it was a stressful and rushed morning.

It is Tuesday now, and I can't say things are looking up. I am still feeling grumpy. The child I mentioned above is still behaving in ways that are ranging from bratty to nasty to supercilious. I am having an internal debate as to whether I need to write them a letter explaining why I am angry or spend a significant portion of today's evening giving them 1:1 time explaining why this behavior is not acceptable. I suspect the 1:1 attention is what they crave. But wouldn't it mean that I am teaching them "If you behave in this unacceptable manner, you are going to get lots of attention from mom"? I want to send the opposite message, "I want to spend lots of quality time with you, but not when you are treating your family like garbage."

I got to think more about how to approach this....

Appreciate This

Leaves changing color: splashes of yellow and orange outside our window.

Chestnuts: shiny ones. Also, roasted chestnuts. I can’t believe the first time I tried a roasted chestnut my reaction was “Meh. I am not sure about this.”

Books

TV shows (we are watching Dexter; it’s got the right mix of entertainment and creepiness)

Friends

A husband who likes making fire (in the fire pit, I mean. And in the fireplace.) I don’t like fire – never started one – but I enjoy sitting a safe distance away from it. I also really enjoy potatoes baked in the hot ashes (that’s on my fall must-do list).

Pumpkins (for eating but also for decoration)

Cheese

Being home alone

Dark chocolate

Marmalades

After-school sports and clubs

Local farmers and delicious apples and tomatoes

Library

My parents living very close (and who are happy when I come to visit; also, drinking tea and talking about life).

Funny things that kids say.

Messy Mornings

Random weekday morning.

6:20-6:30 am: my husband gets up and gets breakfast and coffee started. 

6:30-6:40 am: my husband gets frustrated because no one is coming down to help him

6:40-6:45 am: Husband: WHERE ARE YOU????? ANYONE COMING TO EAT OR AM MY EATING ALONE??????

6:50 am: Me: “Ugh! Got to get up and get going. KIDS!!!! RISE AND SHINE!!!!”

[Brushing my teeth, making the bed, and sometimes sort of wondering around aimlessly because still half-asleep]

6:55 am: Me: “KIDS!!! GOT TO GET GOING!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE!!!!”

7 am: kids getting dressed, stumbling downstairs to get their breakfast. We all sit down to eat. I feel like I need to hurry everyone up to eat faster because we are running late. Everyone is experiencing at least some degree of frustration.

7:15 am: Me: “AAAH!!!!!!! OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!! LOOK AT THE TIME!!!!  KIDS, ARE YOU READY? TEETH BRUSHED? ALL PACKED????” 

[Husband is getting ready to go to work]

7:16 am: Me: “AAAAAAAAH!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO MISS THE BUS!!!! FINISH YOU FOOD FAST!!!!!!!!!!! GO BRUSH TEETH!!!!!!!! DID YOU MAKE YOUR BEDS? NO? GO DO THAT NOW!”

7:18 am: kids are meandering around, brushing their teeth, chatting happily, and in no way appearing to hurry.

7:20 am: Me, barking: “Water bottles? Masks? Computers? Gym clothing? Snacks? Computers? Shoes? Violin? Shoulder rest? Snacks? Water? Masks?”

7:25 am: the kids finally start moving around at a slightly faster pace, packing up, and getting their shoes on.

7:28 am: the kids are out of the door, we walk to the bus stop together and talk.

7:33 am: school bus comes, I walk back home.

I am not happy with how this is going. The getting-out-of-bed is getting harder and harder. The kids don’t have any sense of urgency in the morning. Somehow, I assumed the responsibility for getting them to school on time. I really want to shift that responsibility to the kids – they should be the ones worried they miss the bus or forget their stuff, not me!

Ideal morning (I can dream, right?):

6:20 am: husband gets up and gets breakfast and coffee going

6:30 am: kids get up

6: 40 am: I get up

6:45 am: we all sit down for breakfast (kids already unloaded the dishwasher and set the table; husband made his famous eggs and a fruit salad)

We eat breakfast while discussing world events, books, and laughing at each other’s jokes. [Actually, this does happen on occasion in real-life….]

7:10 am: kids run around packing up their snacks, water bottles, school stuff, etc. They brush their teeth. Husband and I enjoy our 2nd cups of coffee outside, taking in the view and waving good-morning to the neighbors.

7:20 am: kids are ready with their backpacks at the door, shoes on, masks on, and do a final check to make sure they haven’t forgotten anything. They ask me to walk them to the bus stop because it’s so much fun to talk to me.

7:25 am: we walk to the bus stop, talk, laugh, maybe do a quick review of whatever they were studying the night before, maybe bring a book to read aloud while waiting to the bus.

7:33 am: school bus comes, I walk back home.

[no yelling, no barking, no nagging from me about computers/snack/water/shoes]

Ugh…. How do I get there????

Dear readers, and how are your mornings? What’s your reality vs dreamworld?

Weekend Report

 My daughter told me last nigh that this past weekend was great because we did so many different things and were able to balance family time and friend time.

We also had a good balance of must-do's and want-to-do's.

There was some cleaning and laundry. There was lots of cooking: I baked piroshki with some help from H. (Stuffing was meat, or squash, or jam.) H also made pumpkin stew (it's delicious; some parental help was involved). Husband made tacos.

We had friends over for some take-out Indian food. We sat outside: first in front of the wood burning stove, then next to our fire pit. So nice!!!

Kids were busy: playing with friends, digging holes (don't ask), playing flashlight tag, reading.

I took 2/3 kids to a local arboretum. It was beautiful and refreshing. Kids found chestnuts and I immediately felt nostalgic both for Latvia (where there was a giant chestnut tree next to our apartment building) and for eating roasted chestnuts.

We harvested more beans from our garden and cooked them. E. eats them raw, too.

Husband and E went on a run; E's friend joined them.

There was also Hebrew school, violin practice, piano practice, and chores.

I read - actually, it was a re-read - Dreamer's Pool by Juliet Marillier. It was what I needed - even though it wasn't the best book I've ever read (or re-read). It was better than her more recent book.

September Books

Wolf Winter by Cecilia Ekbäck was amazing. Beautifully written, excellent characters (I kept thinking I want to be just like that!), and an interesting while not-quite-exotic setting (I want to go there!). I loved to see the strength of the main character, Maija – she felt so human, so real, like someone I could meet in real life (now that I think about it, she may be a bit like my grandmother…). The story was dark, with unexpected turns, and it completely drew me in.

The Grift by Debra Ginsberg. Meh. The beginning was promising, but then things got sort of… lost. I didn’t like the plot. I liked the main character in the first few chapters, but I did not like the changes and development she went through.

A Dance With Fate by Juliet Marillier. Did not like it! I’ve read a few other fantasy books by Marillier years ago, and liked them back then. This one…. Not sure if I am just not in the mood for this kind of book or if her books got cheesier. The whole thing felt kind of contrived and not authentic (yeah, I know it is fantasy, but I have to be able to buy into the relationships and motivations). Too much feelings by the main characters. They were all annoying (the feelings AND the characters).

In progress: The Last Watchman of Old Cairo by Michael David Lukas. Loving it so far. 

Infection Tag

Sunday night, our older daughter started complaining about having a scratchy throat. Monday morning, she looked pretty out of sorts and had both a sore throat and a bad headache. I kept her home – she was well enough to be bored and to was able to do some schoolwork, but she spent most of the day resting, listening to audio books, and munching on home-made apple sauce.

This was our first experience with kids being out sick in the covid world. Usually, I would just give it a couple of days to see how things go (because most colds clear up on their own), but now-a-day, I just wasn’t sure what was the proper procedure. So, I ended up calling our pediatrician and getting her tested (covid and strep). Are we supposed to have kids tested for covid every time they have cold symptoms? I am really not sure. Good news – she is feeling a little better and we got a note from the doctor that she could return to school today.

I am feeling a little bit of a scratchy throat. Wonder who is going to be next? Ugh, I guess passing around colds is part of the back-to-school deal. Tag, you are IT….

October: Weekend Report

 Hello October!

We had a few beautifully chilly fall days and then it got warm and humid again. Mosquitos and ticks are back with a vengeance. 

Friday night became an outdoor movie night - our neighbors set up a projector and screen in their back yard. The older daughter and I baked stuff - ginger snap cookies and banana-blueberry bread to take to the movie night. Kids had a blast! Husband and I spent that time in our own back yard in front of the wood burning stove, chatting. 

We bought a few pumpkins and fall plants. We haven't quite gotten around to setting up any Halloween ghosts or bats around the yard - maybe next weekend. (First, we have to find that stuff... it's somewhere in the closet...)

Kids had their regular soccer games. Hebrew school started on Sunday (this was the first time ever kids whined and complained about it; the older 2 do not like their new teacher). Our oldest put in some time practicing his orchestra music. 

There was quite a bit of yard work... some of it got done. House cleaning did not get done (some day? maybe?) - but I did manage some minor pick-up and dusting. 

I planted a bunch of tulips. 

Husband and oldest child went on a run.

We watched "Catch me if you can" - it was our daughter's pick (kids take turns choosing weekend movies). It was good! 

Sunday, the girls spent hours playing with the neighborhood kids - they were cleaning up some old barbies and setting up a school, I think. Our son and one of the neighbor kids were planning and designing a fortification they want to build into the side of the hill. There were shovels and a pickaxe involved - but I am not sure how far they got into it. Our son tends to get very excited about new projects, but typically does not finish stuff. We'll see how things go...