Warm-Cold-Warm-Cold

The weather has been yoyoing all over the place. We've had a few cold days, followed by a couple of really warm 50's weather, followed by rain, wind, and back to 30's.

A hint of spring - like a tease - and then back to winter.

I am not complaining. This is still February.

But sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what to wear when I get dressed in the morning. Sweater and warm socks? T-shirt? Will I need a hat when I walk C to the bus stop? Sometimes, I look out of the window, and it is so sunny and pretty out, and I assume that this is a spring-like day. And then I open the door and get a blast of chilly air into my face (and run to grab my winter jacket, hat and gloves).

I am having a hard time parenting - nothing new there, and again, not a complaint. Just a statement of fact. I simply don't know if I need to push E more or just let him be... He wants to do all these things, he wants to get a job, he wants to get into first violin section for the youth orchestra, he wants to take high-level courses next year... It's like, he has all these goals - but then he just gets distracted and doesn't do anything to achieve them (or maybe he does and I just don't see it?). He is 15 - how much hand-holding should the parents be providing (especially for things like looking for a summer job)? In theory, I know it's a balance - letting him practice independence, decision making, and dealing with consequences, etc, etc. The stakes at this point are not that high. But I also feel that this particular person is like a giant snowball at the top of the hill - needs that shove from the parents to get going - ie, I need to remind him about his goals and help with steps he needs to take in order for him to get where he wants to be.

My parenting woes are further complicated by the fact that all my kids are soooo different. And it sometimes can be very confusing - what one kid needs is the absolute no-go for the other kids.

What kind of parent do you strive to be - more hands-off or more involved? How do you find the balance?

Better

So happy to report - back is feeling pretty much normal. Makes me really appreciate that most days, I am not in pain and can walk and do every-day tasks without any problems.

We had a pretty relaxing weekend. The older kids (+ E's friend) and I re-watched Dune I. E is planning to go to a movie theater with buddies to watch Dune II this Friday. I am hoping to go see it soon-ish. Oh boy, I really hope Mr. Villeneuve goes on to make "Rendezvous with Rama" - his style suits that book perfectly!

E asked me if Dune was my favorite sci-fi movie of all times.

I would have to say - no... I don't know what my favorite movie (science fiction or otherwise) would be... depends on the mood, I suppose. There are  movies that made an enormous impression on me and influenced how I perceive and interpret reality, as well as fiction. But I suspect it had to do with timing (and how old I was when I watched them) as much as with the quality and the themes of the movies. 

You know what I wish would get made into movies or a TV show? Neal Stephenson's "Seveneves".

Is there a science fiction book that you would love to see adapted for screen?

Back

And just like that - I woke up to horrendous back pain. No idea what I did. Walking, sitting, moving - all rather treacherous at the moment. I tried doing some stretching exercises - no help. Half an hour in a hot shower combined with pain meds - some improvement.

Ugh. So much for walks and exercise.

On the plus side - the kids have been helpful with the dishes, garbage, and other household chores. The 15-year old has fixed our sink incinerator thingy that started making awful screeching noises. 

The girls and I played a couple of rounds of Sequence - it was great until my husband called and then I lost track of both the game and the conversation (multitasking is not my strong point).

I feel old.

Weekend Report and Other Matters

The kids and I were off yesterday, so we got to enjoy a 3-day weekend. Husband is in CA at a conference, missing all the fun.

Here are the highlights:

• Visit  to a public observatory. As in, star-gazing, moon-watching, telescopes, and all that good stuff.
• Korean food take-out.
• Hike through the snow-covered trails and sledding with kids. Sledding was meh because the snow consistency was a bit off. But overall, a fun way to spend the morning!
• Natural history museum that we haven't been to in ages. C, our youngest, has no memories of it (she was a baby last time we visited) but the older 2 remember being there. It was fun to see it again and they had an awesome live-animal exhibit with a tarantula, various snakes, frogs, and a sloth.
• Chinatown
• Kids being independent and meeting up with their friends. I dropped the girls off in town where they got together with H's friend. I ran some errands, then joined them. This was the first time H+C were on their own, without parents or big brother - buying treats at Trader Joes, going to Wawa, walking over to the park. In the meantime, the big brother, E, biked over to visit his friend in the neighborhood. 

And now to the not-so-fabulous news. Noting terrible, just not ideal: weight gain. My pants feel too tight. My winter jacket feels too tight. I guess I have been stress-eating. Or reading-eating... I like to snack when I read and I've been reading a lot these last couple of months. I don't know if there is a good way to resolve this (other than stop reading). In the meantime, I am going for a brief a wintery hike in sub-zero temperatures (before the mud has a chance to melt in the February sun).

Reading "Black Wind, White Snow"

My best friend mentioned "Black Wind, White Snow" by Charles Clover years ago, when we were discussing Russia's view of the West. We were also talking about American politics and about extreme right and extreme left political camps in Europe and the US - and who may be pouring money into those (Russia's attempt to destabilize the West?). 

I am finally reading the book now. I wish I was taking a class where I could ask questions - there are some things that don't add up, some things that don't quite make sense. I need to talk through it and figure out what it is I am missing - or maybe the author assumed some key concepts were so basic and obvious they warranted no additional explanation. Or maybe I am not missing anything and it is not supposed to make sense. Lev Gumilev's concepts of ethnos and nationalism? I don't get it. It could be because I have never read any of Gumilev's works. But also, "Умом Россию не понять". Which loosely means "Russia can not be comprehended with the mind." It's from an a poem by Tyutchev that we had to memorize back in the school days. And oh, my, it rings so true. 

I struggle to reconcile my very happy childhood in the USSR in the 80's and early 90's with the reality of life under totalitarian regime.

Let's extrapolate - forget the 80's in the USSR. Can one live a happy life when a madman is in control of your country? Does one have any right to personal happiness when terror reigns all around? Is there a moral obligation to NOT have a happy life if you live in Nazi Germany? Or Stalin's USSR? When there is so much suffering, do individuals have a moral obligation to be miserable, or to leave the country, or to commit actions, such as speaking out against the regime, that would guarantee misery and possibly death?

From "Black Wind, White Snow", page 84:

After the assasination of Kirov, a key member of the Communist Party in Leningrad, "...Stalin and his head of the NKVD, Nikolay Ezhov used the killing of Kirov as an excuse... the secret police set about "discovering" numerous foreign spy networks and conspiracies."

"The insanity multiplied, driven by paranoia and revenge. By the late 1930s, Stalin had imposed quotas for the secret police of each region to arrest and exterminate those deemed to be enemies of the state."

On page 85:

"...writers, artists and musicians lived in a fishbowl, monitored constantly for signs of any transgression by the NKVD... the secret police was instructed to build cases against the prominent intelligentsia, who lived in a dread of a knock on the door."

"They assumed that many of their friends were agents, informing on them; but they did not know who. In Gumilev's file, there are numerous denunciations..."

Page 104:

After Lev Gumilev's mother's (his mother was Anna Akhmatova, one of the most famous poets in Russia) husband was arrested: "Lev knew he was next. He packed clothes and books and kept them in a suitcase by the door...."

One of the most memorable conversations I had with my grandmother when I was a child was about what's important in a relationship. She said, during the terrifying times of the 1930's, 40's, and 50's, (and 60's and 70's) when you could not dare to speak your opinion, when you really had to watch what you said and who was listening - it was absolutely essential that she and my grandfather knew they could depend on each other. They shared trust (loyalty? faith in each other?) -  the word "trust" doesn't quite work here because this is beyond trust - during the times when "donos" - denunciation" from colleagues, neighbors, friends, even family could destroy lives. Yes, my grandparents had to speak in whispers and hints, but they were on the same page as far as politics and their feelings about the regime. 

Do you find it challenging to reconcile your own and your family personal experiences with historic narratives? What about when suddenly, an odd conversation or experience is made clear because you just gained a better understanding of the past?

Snow Day + Weekend Report

Kids are home from school today - we've got a beautiful blanket of snow covering everything outside. The sounds are muffled. The light has that special wintery quality that makes things appear nearly monochromatic: white snow, white sky, snow-covered tree branches, roofs, and roads. 

This is not sledding snow - too wet and sticky - but it may be excellent for building snow people. I told the kids I would go out with them for a bit and participate in making the snow family. 

Note to self - bring the camera and take lots of photos.

Last weekend was the complete opposite of the hectic (but fun) weekend before. Everything was low-key. We did yardwork. We watched movies. Sunday was a little bit busier, with Hebrew School and E's youth orchestra recital in the afternoon (they did a fantastic job). It was a relaxing weekend but I kind of wish we did a little bit more...

I am going to go get some work done now...

Baby is 10

 Last weekend, our youngest (C) turned 10.

It was pretty much a non-stop action weekend. 

Friday: E had friends over for dinner (pizza) before high school dance (Freshman Formal - so he was forced to dress up). H had jazz fest in the evening. E went to the dance  and then to a sleepover at a friend's house. Our friend from grad school dropped by because he was in the area on a work trip. I baked the 4 layers for C's cake (C requested a chocolate cake with sour cream icing).

Saturday: C turned 10! She opened her presents. I made a special birthday breakfast (Crepes - per C's request - with cooked apples+cranberry medley, Nutella, and fruit). Husband and C went to the store to get last-minute supplies (sour cream!) and a cake for Sunday. I made sour cream icing for C's 4-layer cake. I realized that I was in trouble after I put the third layer on. The circular cake layers I baked all had a slight dome shape. Usually, when I make a 2-layer cake, this is not an issue. So when H said that professional chefs cut the cake layers to remove the "dome" thingy, I just shrugged and said it was all going to be fine and I wasn't cutting anything off. Um. Well. I was wrong. After we put the 4th layer on, it was definitely looking a little odd, with gaping emptiness between the layers. Not so beautiful -and we were out of sour cream icing (and sour cream) to fill in the gaps. H to the rescue! Not only she did an amazing job icing the cake (I hate icing, decorating, etc! I just like baking) - evenly and smoothly to a degree that I would never be able to achieve - she also figured out a way to fill in the gaps using chunks of mango.

Here's the cake,  looking amazing thanks to the 13 year-old H:

It was very tall and difficult to cut, but C was thrilled. Was it a little funky? Sure, but so is our family. What was I thinking making the 4 layers? Not sure. Except we were going to have 13 people eating it and I didn't want to run out. 

It turned out delicious! 

All the grandparents came to celebrate, and aunt and uncle, and cousins. We had the fire going, so people could sit and chat next to the fireplace. We had Indian food takeout (we briefly entertained the idea of making a turkey and some side dishes, but then came to a unanimous agreement that we just wanted to relax with the family and not cook). C tried out her new rollerblades. We all had a great time.

Sunday: More roller-skating for C. Then we all got ready to go to the ice skating rink to celebrate C's birthday with her friends. I kept having a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. Cake - check; candles  - check... and then H said - what about goody bags? OMG, I totally forgot those. Again, thanks to H and a friend - they grabbed some small paper bags and stuffed them with candy and mini-Lego-like-sets we happened to have lying around for years, and got that all done on the way to the skating rink. Phew, disaster averted.

Ice-skating was fun, C was very happy, and the guests seemed to have enjoyed themselves. So - yay, even if things were not 100% perfect (and I would probably not do a birthday at that particular location again).

By this time, I was feeling a little loopy... I am an introvert, so all this socializing, and non-stop action, and people - fun but my brain just wanted to go into hibernation. 

Monday: After kids left for school, I spent 2 hours just staring at the wall. And the night after, I kept having dreams of violence and murder happening all around me. I think I need some re-charge time. Ideally: 2-3 weeks of sleeping and reading and eating chocolate. And not hosting any parties.

Tips and Tricks for Stress-Free Evenings from a Working Mom

Oh my goodness, I was going through my old drafts and I found this - from 11 years ago! We only had 2 kids back then!

Some days are good. Some days are bad. And some days are just awful and ugly. Most of us have been there, down in the dumps: after an extremely stressful day at work you have a splitting headache, your temper is short, and kids - they pick up on the negative vibe and turn into tantrum-throwing, screaming, fighting little nightmares. 

There are no one-size-fits-all solutions , but here are some tricks that help us stay sane and have peace (if not quiet) at home.

Tip # 1.  Develop a Simple Routine

Even if the kids don’t always cooperate, at least they know what to expect and what’s expected of them.  Long-term, this makes everyone’s life easier.  Here is an approximation of ours (the kids are 4.5 and 2.5):

1.      Shoes off, coats off; put away shoes and hang up the coats.

2.      Wash hands!!!!

3.     Snack.  (= a chance for mom to use the bathroom, change, and get things started for dinner)

4.     Short “snuggle and read with mommy” time*.  Alternatively, "playground time".

5.     Mom gets dinner ready.  Sometimes, kids help.  Other times, kids play, dance, draw, do puzzles, etc.

6.     Dinner!  Hopefully, Daddy is home by this time.

* I have noticed that if we have a snuggle session soon after getting home, the evening goes much smoother.  This is the wisdom I came by the hard way.  Ten minutes I spend reading books on the sofa with the kids make everyone so much more easy-going.  I feel more relaxed. The kids are happier and are then able to play on their own or hang out with me in the kitchen without a fuss.

Tip #2.  Slow Down.

Don’t rush things. Breathe, slow down and go with the flow.

Tip # 3.  When possible, go outside.

We are lucky to have a little park with a playground next to our house. When the weather is nice, we head over there. It is amazing how even a few minutes of running and playing outside will improve everyone's mood. Now that I think about it - it is my mood that gets improved the most. I spend all of my working hours indoors, so it is no surprise that being out and getting a little air and sunshine makes me feel like a new person.

Tip # 4.  Be Prepared.

We do our best to prepare healthy meals. This involves two things: simple unprocessed ingredients and time. Here are a couple of tricks that make my evenings run a little smoother:

• Prep what you can the night before: cut up vegetables for roasting, marinate meat, trim beans, etc. 

• Cook in bulk when possible: make things that will last for a few meals. A big pot of Borsch will last us three or four days. Crockpot-made roast beef provides meat for a few days.  

• Develop a repertoire of easy quick meals (salads, pan-fried fish, baked fish, pasta, couscous) that take less than 30 minutes of bench work 

• Have some "emergency dinners" for extra-stressful evenings that require absolutely no work at all. We have a stash of frozen Manicotti from Costco (I believe occasional processed food will not kill us) - kids love it and all I have to do is put it in the microwave.

Another part of the "Be Prepared" equation - the kids.  Busy kids = happy kids = no whining

• Set out art tools for them to discover and use

• Rotate toys (nothing like re-discovering their old favorites that they haven't seen in months!)

• Have colored ice (use the food coloring) for them to play with - my kids love, love, love playing with ice and water.

• Think through how kids can help with dinner prep (this will depend largely on their age and ability) and set up kid-space on one of the counters equipped with a cutting board, bowls and appropriate tools.**  

What do you do to keep your evenings calm and peaceful?

**Ah, the good old days... kids actually wanted to help prepare dinner! Now-a-day, the kids can cook (and do cook, occasionally), but that doesn't happen too often. Note to self: ask kids to make a meal once a week...

Memorable Books 2018

Huh, look what I found in my "drafts"! 

Old favorite reads from back in 2018!

The Guynd by Belinda Rathbone
Katherine Arden's books: The Bear and the Nightingale and The Girl in The Tower
Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy by John LeCarre
What Alice forgot by Liane Moriarty

How often do you go back to re-read old favorites? Or books that made an impression on you?