Answers

 Answers.

1. Where were you born? - Neman, USSR. A very small town near Kaliningrad.
   
   
2. What languages do you speak? - Russian, English. I know a couple of words in German and Hebrew. I used to be able to speak a bit of Latvian but I can remember almost nothing except a few random words.
   
   
3. What was your favorite book growing up? - Karlson Who Lives on the Roof by Astrid Lindgren
   
   
4. Are you still friends with your elementary school best friends? Sort of - I am in touch with a few old friends but it's limited to occasional "Happy Birthday" or "Happy New Year" wishes. But if they happen to come to the US or if I go visit their countries, I would like to get together.
   
   
5. Why do you read blogs? I like learning about people: how they live and what their interests are.
   
   
6. Do you regularly blog, and if so, why? I like writing. I like having a record of day-to-day life that I can peruse at a later time. I like the opportunity to connect with others.
   
   
7. If you would write a book, would it be fiction or nonfiction? Is there a particular subject or theme you would write about? Both. The nonfiction book would be something science-related (how do cells communicate? how do they send and receive signals?) or something essay-like on growing up in the USSR (and how it may or may not be different from my children's childhoods in the USA). Fiction: probably science fiction (something about first contact and the idea that our definition of life has limitations).
   
   
8. If you could spend more time on a hobby, what would it be? Piano. Learning to identify trees, flowers, birds. Hiking. Art museums.
   
   
9. What is your favorite gift to give to friends? Books. 
   
   
10. If you had to sum up the meaning of life in 1 simple sentence, what would it be? Kafka said it well: The meaning of life is that it ends.

Questions

Once upon a time, I loved asking questions. Unfortunately, the older I got, the more reluctant I've become about asking questions. I need to get back into question-asking - especially because it feels like such a risk, like I would be giving something away about myself.

Here are 10 things I would like to know about you:

1. Where were you born?
2. What languages do you speak?
3. What was your favorite book growing up?
4. Are you still friends with your elementary school best friends?
5. Why do you read blogs?
6. Do you regularly blog, and if so, why?
7. If you would write a book, would it be fiction or nonfiction? Is there a particular subject or theme you would write about?
8. If you could spend more time on a hobby, what would it be?
9. What is your favorite gift to give to friends?
10. If you had to sum up the meaning of life in 1 simple sentence, what would it be?

Should you choose to accept this challenge, please feel free to leave responses in the comments or on your own blog. 

(I will post my answers in a couple of days...)

Finders-Creepers

Grumpy musings on unexpected  medical findings:

My annual breast MRI report came back with some kind of liver lesion (other than that, everything looked tfu-tfu clean). I don't even know how they managed to get liver when doing breast scans? But I suppose it is best to be informed - and my doctor sent me to get a liver ultrasound.

It's been over a week and I haven't heard back. Because of insurance specifications, I can't do imaging at the same place where I go see my doctors (let's call it "P"). Instead, I have to go to a completely different medical system ("Z") that is conveniently located but has poor communication. Z will not release the report to P until one of the Z doctors has reviewed the images. The Z doctors haven't gotten around to looking at my images yet. 

So, I am a bit of an anxious mess. I don't deal well with unknowns. I hate risks. Oh, and this morning, a friend of mine sent me an update about her brother who has liver cancer (he is responding very well to treatment, thank G-d!). But my mind, unfortunately, immediately goes to "oh no, could it be me, too?"

Also, I have a strong recommendation (a demand?) from another doctor to do a biopsy of yet another organ (not liver) based on the results of yet another ultrasound. Am I getting old? Is my body falling apart? (um - yes...)

So - the thing is - the more tests one undergoes, the higher the likelihood of finding something. Which is why it is typically not recommended to do any sort of prophylactic full-body scans. Because an average person likely has some weirdness in their body that they could live with for decades and never be bothered by it. Except that when you know something is there, maybe you'll go see a surgeon. And a surgeon will, of course, want to cut it out. It's like "if you give a mouse a cookie", except "if you go see a surgeon..."

If you go see a surgeon, they'll want to cut something out.

But first, you'll need multiple blood tests, which will reveal that you are low on x or high on y.

The blood tests will lead to being prescribed medication.

The medication will make you sleepy/sneezy/dopey.

The anesthesiologist will then tell you to stop taking the medication (because it will interfere with anesthesia and increase the risk [of death] during the surgery). 

After the surgery, you'll go back for a check up with the surgeons, and they may tell you that they would really like to cut something else out.

So what's the solution? I'm afraid there's none. Living in blissful ignorance is not really an option (what would average life expectancy be without modern medicine?). I will continue to do regular check-ups, recommended tests, mammograms, and MRIs. And biopsies (I feel like I get to have at least 1 biopsy a year - is that normal?)

I wonder if I can adapt my dad's old adage (Those who do not drink or smoke will die healthy) to this dilemma. Perhaps: If you ignore medicine, you will die. If you follow all the medical advice and treatment - you will die healthier? (Sorry - that was a bit morbid)

What do you think?

Neverending

 There are certain things that are never ending, and not in a good way.

• Laundry
• Dishes
• Kitchen cleanup
• Dusting
• Yard work
• Finale of a romantic-era music piece

I would really appreciate it if there were also never ending things like:

• Chocolate
• Freshly baked bread (still warm!)
• Hot tea
• Petting the cat (he will, eventually, bite)
• Back rubs

I was going to add "sleep" but then I realized it would probably mean death... So no, thank you!

Do you have any grievances against - or any wishes for - never ending things?

Weekend Review

Well, it is only Tuesday, and I can barely remember what we did last weekend. I am not sure if this is a function of memory deterioration, doing too much, doing not enough, or just being so darn tired all the time.

This is how I did on my to-do list.

• Go through and clean my closet - DONE
• Go through and clean C's closet (with C) - DONE
• Go through and clean E's closet (with E) - not started (but we talked about it.... about 0 enthusiasm from E)
• Cooking - YES because everyone always hungry all the time
• Shopping - YES (husband did produce-shopping on Saturday and I supplemented with a few other things on Monday)
• Laundry - IN PROGRESS (because: neverending)

Exciting things.

• C had a cello trial lesson on Friday (because her current teacher is moving away). It went well and she seemed to like the new/potential teacher!
• H had a piano rehearsal on Saturday. She did a very good job. I was a bit worried because her practicing has been less than optimal, but she pulled it off. (so... maybe 20 minutes of practicing a day is enough for her.. but I can't even imaging how amazing she would be if she practiced an hour a day... that said, she is not looking to become a professional musician, so this is not something I am going to push)
• Takeout (sushi per H's request)
• I went out with a few local women who have kids at our Hebrew School. It was really nice to get to know them. (I would like to work on forming deeper and better friendships but I am having a really hard time connecting with people. I miss having friends who are in the post-forming-friendship stage. I want to skip getting-to-know part and get to the knowing and trusting and being effortlessly friends part. It doesn't work that way, I know :))

Other things.

• Kids played video games.
• Husband and E spent hours outside on Sunday, chopping wood, cleaning things up, and then going on a bike ride.
• Board meeting - I am a co-chair on a committee. This is not something I particularly enjoy. I do it because: giving back to the community, etc, etc.
• Probably other things that I can't remember now.

Didn't happen.

• Board games
• Family movies
• Reading (well, I read a tiny bit)
• Walks
• Exercise
• Probably other things that I can't remember now.

What are your favorite weekend things to do?

Work and Books

Work.

I might have mentioned a couple of months ago, that work was crazy: unsustainably high-intensity overwhelming projects.

This is one of those "be careful what you wish for" things. Not that I wished for anything - I was just barely surviving day-to-day, trying not to drown in everything that was coming at me. I felt so out-of-depth. So yeah. I need to finish up a couple of things - but all those projects are going away. The client is going away because they no longer want to work with our team. Not a pleasant feeling. I refuse to be "the fall guy"- there were a lot of issues before I joined the team (including lay-offs, conflicts with the client, and people quitting). I kept repeating over and over again that I was not the right person for the job. Unfortunately, it seemed like there was no one else to do that job. I was told that I was doing "just fine!" - until nothing was fine.  

I firmly believe that, for me, the best way to learn something new is to jump into it and do it, make mistakes, learn, improve, and, eventually, become an expert at that skill. This is much more efficient than trying to learn by watching others do something, or helping others do something... I never really truly learn the skill until I am actually full-on committed to doing it. This is true for hands-on science experiments and techniques, writing, cooking, organizing parties... pretty much anything and everything.

That said - there are situations, where "jumping into it" is more of "being thrown into it", without adequate preparation, tools, knowledge, or support. It can be a total train wreck. It's not even "sink or swim" - it's more of "I don't understand the concept of water" situation.

So that's strike one.

Strike two: a long-term client that we have a very good relationship with and that has been happy with our work is no longer sending us more work. With all new projects, they feel that we charge too much and they end up sending those projects elsewhere. Upper management on our side believes that we don't charge enough and want to raise the prices. Most likely, we are going to loose that business, too.

Writing on the wall: time to look for a new job.

Books.

I feel slightly depressed. In part, because I feel bad about the work situation. In part, because I finished my fiction book and I have nothing on my shelf that I can dive into. I have a couple of non-fiction books I am slowly working through, but that's not the same as looking forward to an all-engrossing read in front of the fireplace. 

I recently finished "The Expanse" series by James S.A. Corey. There were some books in the series I liked better than others. The final book - Leviathan Falls - was OK... I read it more out of respect for the authors than for the enjoyment of the book.

Darling Girls by Sally Hepworth - it was intense and I loved most of it - but it didn't stick the landing.

The Hunter by Tana French was excellent. 

Last night, I finished The Sequel by Jean Hanff Korelitz. Loved it.

But now there is this void... I have a few books I put on hold at the library, but nothing I am super excited about.

What do you do when you feel like you failed at something?

 

Happy December

My favorite month! 

Because: 

• I like the early darkness - you can see the stars without staying up super late! Also, super-cozy to be inside a warm house, with a book, a fuzzy blanket, and a fireplace. When you look into the windows, you see reflection - everything is through-the-looking glass and looks familiar but yet different.
• Snow! There should be snow! But even if there isn't - the hope for a beautiful snowy winter is very much alive and kicking in early December (as opposed to, say, February, when the disappointment sets in).
• Cold! I have a new comfortable winter jacket. I have hats and gloves. I have warm fuzzy socks. I can enjoy the outdoors and stay warm.
• My birthday is in December. I know it's kind of passé to be excited about birthdays at my age (will be 47!), but hey, I will have 2 of my favorite cakes (my mom is baking one and my daughter is planning to bake another). And I will not be doing any dishes that day. And I am totally looking forward to indulging in cakes, chocolate, and winter forest walks.
• Winter break!

Last Sunday, I got an early birthday present from the world. I took two of the kids to the Barnes Foundation - I've been meaning to go there for ages. And it was free because it was the first Sunday of the month!!! I was ridiculously excited. The artwork was amazing. H showed me her favorite paintings (she had a fieldtrip there with her French class a few weeks ago). C was slightly scandalized about "all the naked people!". We overheard some quirky conversations by art lovers. We counted the foreign languages we encountered (surprisingly, only 3: Russian, French, and Spanish).

I had a strange deja-vu-ish experience. There were 2 beautiful young women wearing all-white stylish outfits, silently gliding through the museum. They looked oddly familiar - I feel like I've seen them in other museums. Maybe in another city, or maybe in Philly, I honestly can't remember. Or maybe it was their outfits - perhaps I saw other women elsewhere wearing similar stylish white pants/sweaters/hats combinations. Now I want a white wool bucket hat like that... 

Do you have a special occasions hat? (I don't... I just have beanies and a quirky faux-fur-lined peruvian-style hat that's just a little too small for my head... If I need to worry about the state of my hair, I just wear a hood).

How do you keep your hands warm in the winter?