Update: Stressed and Tired

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I feel completely spent.

My father had prostate surgery last week - everything went as well as could be expected. He is recovering. The good news: no sign of cancer in the lymph nodes. The bad news: he is very frustrated that the recovery is so slow. Mom looks exhausted. She has her own health issues, but everything has been put on hold until dad is better.

Work has been one emergency after another. We've had one project after another with very tight deadlines. "Stressful" is an understatement.

Also, I've been feeling so extremely tired. Like I can barely move. Maybe it's a combination of work+life stress. Maybe its the tamoxifen I'm taking (preventative for high-risk breast cancer). Maybe it's the thyroid.

Somehow, I need to keep going. Somehow, I need to muster the energy to make lunches, help kids with schoolwork, do household chores...

Among all this daily struggle, our family did manage some good times. Last weekend, I took the kids to the Farmers Market (1st time in 2 years - last year everything was canceled because of the pandemic). We got some vegetables and baked treats. We went to a nearby park, where we ate the treats and the kids hunted frogs and turtles in the pond. 

It was so nice... It felt so special do be doing this things that were once so ordinary. Going to farmers market with kids, walking around town, buying things... And by the way, those carrots we got from our favorite farmer - they were amazingly sweet and delicious. 

Books, movies, outdoors

 The kids and I finished the read-aloud of "The Whiz Mob and the Grenadine Kid" by Colin Meloy.

It took a while, but I am glad we stuck with it.

There was a complete pivot about 2/3 into the book that I absolutely did not expect... it changed everything and made the last few days of reading super-fun (because we all wanted to know how things worked out for Charlie).

Yesterday, we started "The Hired Girl" by Laura Schlitz - loving it so far. 

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We have a pretty extensive list of movies to work through. The "Return of the King" (LoTR) is finally ready for pick up at the library, so we'll be watching that this weekend. (Kids really liked "Fellowship" and "Two Towers" that we watched over the spring break, so I expect this is going to be a hit.)

My husband is not into fantasy or sci-fi, but he loves comedy, so we'll be watching "Spaceballs" sometime soon.

C requested "The Secret Garden" - will put it on hold at the library.

In the plans: Spirited Away, The Roman Holiday, and some Wallace and Gromit cartoons.

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Kids have been feeding geese every day. We ran out of bread, so they've been using cheerios. Apparently, the geese are also very fond of granola bars. No chicks yet - mama goose is still sitting on the eggs.

Girls have been playing "elves" in the back yard, which involves making complicated potions out of grass and flowers, using C's chemistry set. 

Stuff is blooming and new things are coming up in our garden. We really need to clean up the weeds (no one wants to do it!), but even when messy and overgrown with weeds, it's pretty awesome to be able to pick kale and lettuce for salad!!!

Random Musings on a Tuesday

I am attending a virtual conference. On the plus side: I don’t have to travel anywhere! No airplanes, cars, or hotels. I don’t have to figure out optimal childcare during my absence. 

On the minus side: no travel, no hotel, no break from family :)

Also, reconnecting or meeting new people in a virtual setting – not as much fun.

In other news. The kids are in the final stretch of the (all-virtual) school year. Our son has officially started his last marking period (he has done pretty well so far, even with all the YouTube distractions). Our 5th grader is going to start middle school next year. We scheduled the Bar Mitzvah date for E. Time marches on, pandemic or no pandemic.

Speaking of the pandemic… community transmission is pretty bad in our region right now. We are considering going back to virtual piano lessons for the girls. They’ve been having masked, social distanced, one-on-one lessons at their teacher’s house since February, but daily case numbers were much lower at the time. 

Kids’ school district has scheduled standardized testing in May – and kids have to take the tests in person, over a period of days. Maybe, things will get better by then. Or there is an “opt out” alternative but we will have to let the school know ASAP… 

Honestly, I just feel so frustrated. It feels like any decision (about music lessons, standardized testing, kid sports) I make, it will turn out to be the wrong one…

Superspreaders

 Yesterday, we found ourselves at a super-spreader event - or at least what could very well turn out to be a viral super-spreader event.

For over a year now, we have been so careful about staying home, avoiding anything even remotely risky, and staying away from people. And then yesterday, we found ourselves in a huge crowd of people. We did our best to social-distance. We all wore masks. But... I have a bad feeling that we are all going to get sick.

Cases are up in our area, and a week after spring break, there is likely to be another spike coming up.

You could ask: what were you thinking? How could you be so irresponsible?

Well... we certainly didn't expect there to be a crowd of people... In retrospect, there were things we could have done better. We could have left. But for many complicated reasons, we stayed. I felt I had to be near our youngest, which was about the most crowded spot possible.

So, yes, a collection of small not-great choices ended up endangering our whole family. We've been super-safe and felt we've been doing a great job... and then we just kind of dropped the ball. 

The weirdest thing is this. While I was there, among dozens of people, I did not feel particularly unsafe. It wasn't until we got home that I started to realize how risky our behavior has actually been. 

Not much we can do now. Just wait and see how things progress over the the next 2 weeks.

Random Thoughts

Usually, I absolutely love our library. However, I came across an incompetent person and am now double-charged with a late fee for a video that was not supposed to be late (because that person renewed it… except that she didn’t renew it for 3 days but only for that very day on which I was calling the library. Makes no sense).

It’s not so much the $4 dollars that I will have to cough up that’s making me grumpy. It’s the UNFAIRNESS of it. 

Once again, with feeling: This is so unfair!!!

OK, feeling better already.

Yesterday, we went for a family walk to the Middle School. The cherry tree grove there is in bloom – and it looks gorgeous and depressing at the same time. The trees are pretty, but also overgrown with vines and briars. From a distance – looks gorgeous. Close up – looks a bit like a run-down garden that no one has cared for in a long time. Also, whatever the variety of those decorative cherry trees – they are stinky! This is no gentle aroma – it’s pungent and headache-inducing.

We walked over to the school running track for some warm-ups and drills. My kids ran around the track and did cartwheels in the grass. The track was just gravel and dirt. There was a long-jump track, which consisted of asphalt runway overgrown with grass and a pit of sand. I kept thinking that when I went to school in Tukums (Latvia), the track there was nicer… like there were lines there, and the thing was covered in some sort of resin… But maybe I am remembering wrong. My memory also insists that the long-jump track I used as a teenager was nicer (bigger? Newer?) … Or it could be just my brain playing tricks on me. It just struck me as weird that the whole thing looked sad and run-down here, in a well-to-do neighbourhood in America. Maybe because track and field are not high priority here? 

I am hoping to drag everyone out for a hike this evening, as soon as I am done with work. Which is what I am supposed to be doing now – working – but my poor brain is refusing to focus… The kids are supposed to be finishing up their instrument practice and chores (washing dishes and cleaning the family room), and based on the noises coming from downstairs, that’s exactly what they are doing.

During their free after-school time today, H is planning to bake a chocolate cake, E is planning to play minecraft, and C… actually, I don’t know what C wants to do. Maybe listen to a book or watch a cartoon? Oh, and they’ll be going to feed the geese. And then, maybe we can finally go for a hike!

Extra-EGO-terrestrial

I started “Extraterrestrial” by Avi Loeb. I am very curious about his thoughts on the interstellar object that passed through solar system a few years ago. However, the first couple of chapters (which, I guess, are setup so that we get to know Dr. Loeb) induced quite a few eye-rolls and I even had to read a few paragraphs out loud to my husband (because this Avi Loeb guy, he does not suffer from excess modesty).

I know it takes a big ego to succeed in academia (especially when it comes to, oh my, Harvard tenured position). My undergraduate advisor said something along the lines that you have to be a shark with big teeth in order to make it in academia. So I would completely expect Dr. Loeb to think very highly of himself and to have very strong opinions. 

I just don’t see how all this self-praise is relevant in the context of this book.

“I sought a more creative path, one that posed greater intellectual and research challenges… I established a track record of accomplishments, both in the classroom and in military training…”

“We underwent basic infantry training, took combat courses in artillery and engineering, and were taught how to drive tanks, carry machine guns on night-long treks, and parachute out of planes. Thankfully, I was athletically fit, so the physical challenges were demanding but bearable.” – Well thank goodness you are so awesome and capable! Good for you! 

“And alongside these responsibilities, I avidly embraced my academic studies…” – Yes, yes, [eyeroll] you are brilliant, we get this.

“…my PhD dissertation, which I completed when I was twenty-four...” – Yes, yes [eyeroll]. 

If you are wondering whether 24 is somewhat on the young side for PhD – yes, it is. Remember, he served in the army, too. Just to put things in perspective, lets take an average American individual, like me, starting college at 18 years old… BS in 4 years took me to 22 years old. Now, an average time for a PhD program is 5-6 years (at least for biological sciences in the US), so that takes us to at least 27 years old. 

 “[Harvard astronomy department] rarely offered tenure to junior faculty…  I arrived at Harvard in 1993. Three years later, I received tenure.” – Good for you, Dr. Loeb, good for you. Thanks for rubbing it in :)

His career is impressive – no doubt there – but what does any of this have to do with the subject of the book? Why is he, again and again, providing proof of his abilities and achievements? I didn’t get this book to learn about Avi Loeb, I got it because I was curious to learn about this interstellar object! 

I don’t know, maybe he’ll tie it all together, somehow. Here’s for the benefit of the doubt!

OK, enough complaining. There is a point Loeb makes early on that I think is important:

“As is true for many professions, fashionable trends and conservatism when confronting the unfamiliar are evident throughout the scientific community… fashions can discourage the consideration of certain hypotheses, and careerism can direct attention and resources toward some subjects and away from others.”

I think it is very important to understand, how much the direction research takes (be it astrophysics, biochemistry, or cancer biology) can be influenced by “fashion” or dogmatic ideas supported by influential scientists in the field. It’s not always wrong, or bad, or detrimental to scientific progress – but it could be. Publication of your papers and ability to get grants will depend on the feedback from those big-name scientists. And what if your data do not support the established way of thinking? Eventually, facts will prevail, but it would take a lot of time and a big ego on your part to push it through. Big ego, because you are going to have to push back with the big-name scientists to say no, my data are not an artefact of the experimental setup, these data are reproducible, and the problem is that the established paradigm needs to change to accommodate these new findings – I am right and you are wrong!!! It is always easier to go with the flow and to work on stuff that would support the current paradigms favored (“in fashion”) by the experts. 

Dear reader, do you think a “humble scientist” is on oxymoron?

Spring Break

 It's been a whirlwind of a week. It's over too soon. I am not ready to go back to work. 

I had two and a half days off - not much but better than nothing. The weather was iffy for part of the week, so we didn't do a day-trip we were planning with my parents. Plus, my dad hasn't been feeling 100% (minor cold, but we all figured it was better to avoid outdoor activities in freezing wind and rain).

Friday, we had some friends over for an outdoor get-together. Kids had a blast. Grownups sat around the fire and talked. It was good.

Saturday, we drove up to see J's family. We went on a hike with the cousins and then had an outdoors lunch. It was great to see everyone (especially J's grandparents - we haven't seen them since early November!) Most grown-ups there were fully vaccinated and J's parents will get 2nd dose in a couple of days. Still, we figured safer to stay outside, especially considering the kids aren't vaccinated and the cousins are back in school full-time.

Sunday, we had an outdoor lunch at our place with my parents, and then spent a few hours just wondering around the yard and talking. My parents are really worried about dad's upcoming surgery and how things will play out after that. I worry about my mother - she looks exhausted.

In other news - our resident geese have 6 eggs. Don't ask how the kids found that out... A pair of geese made a nest near the pond - this is their 2nd year here. We can see mama goose on her nest from the top part of our property. Kids have been going down to the pond to feed the geese every day. Turns out, geese like bread, they'll happily munch on matzah, but will refuse to eat anything super-healthy, like carrots or lettuce (but the ducks will!). The pond also has a bunch of giant tadpoles - hours of catch-and-release fun for the kids.

I think I am ready to go start work now! Will have to try and get outside - maybe even work outside for a bit.

Dear reader, have a fantastic day!