Unease and Discontent

We are having a nice getaway, staying in rural PA with some friends, exploring and enjoying the outdoors and nearby historic sites. We went to a Civil War museum, and then to the State Capitol in Harrisburg - both really interesting. 

For all intents and purposes, everything is great. 

 And yet. 

And yet, there is a nagging sense of discontent that's just kind of there. Like a film on top of boiled milk. Like an unpleasant aftertaste that just lingers. 

I feel like I can't trust myself. Like I am on a cliff edge but have no idea that I am a step away from a catastrophe. 

Maybe this is just PMS. Maybe this is the dread because of where we are as a society. Maybe this is the result of scanning the news headlines, always anticipating more bad news - and even if nothing terrible happened today, it's a short-lived relief because, surely, something terrible is going to happen tomorrow. 

Somewhat related... I started crocheting. There might be a reason why we associate crocheting and knitting with old ladies. Perhaps this is how old ladies keep their sanity. It is shocking how calming it is. Gasp... Knitting Through Menopause - isn't that a great title for a book? 

Tell me about an activity that helps you feel calm and in control.

Visiting Family

We are staying with my husband's family in rural PA. There is promise of snow. Kids are having a blast with their cousins. 

My in-laws have a bird feeder right outside their kitchen window - and they get such a variety of birds - way more different species than we see at our house. Especially since our feeders have been taken over by Evil Ones - the English Sparrows. 

We are planning to visit my husband's grandmother today. She is 97. She has a hard time hearing but other than that - she is impressively active. 

How are your last few days of December?

Weekend Report. Hanukkah Edition

Friday:

Hanukkah celebration with friends. Lots of latkes and good conversations.

Saturday: 

E had a meet and then a work party.

I took the girls to see "Little Women" at a nearby theater. It was amazing! This particular interpretation was just so well done - this was the first time I felt like I could relate to those characters.

Also on Saturday: shopping (food) and Costco run (more food.... we eat a lot).

Sunday night was the last night of Hanukkah. Original plan was to have my parents over and do lots of latkes. Unfortunately, both my husband and I were not feeling great, so instead of hosting a party, we made latkes and delivered a few (plus presents) to my parents. 

Also on Sunday: 

C made 2 batches of cookies. 

Kids went to the store to pick up a present for a friend and supplies for chicken soup. 

And in the evening, we watched The Gremlins. We all loved it! 

And that's all for the weekend! This is going to be a super-short week and then we all have a well-deserved break.

How was your weekend?

Reading, Watching, Playing.

Reading:

Nonfiction - An Impeccable Spy. A book about a soviet spy in China and Japan during the 1930s and 1940s - Richard Sorge. 

Fiction - The Incandescent by Emily Tesh (fantasy). Also started The Book of Dust by Phillip Pullman. 

Watching:

Bones

The Good Place

Board games:

Scattegories

Pictionary

Sequence

Eating:

Borsch 

Red curry chicken and tofu

Latkes

Roasted squash

Winter

I turned 48. We had a wonderful low-key family celebration. I am so lucky to have my amazing family. Also, Hanukkah started Sunday night: miraculously, we were able to come up with enough candles for our 2 menoras. The candles required some shaving-off and man-handling, but they worked (the right-size candles were running late). 

That said, it was not all butterflies and rainbows. Sunday was tumultuous. Because emotions that triggered chain reactions, temper tantrums, and stress. 

But we got SNOW!!! And that made my day. Kids went sledding - I really should have joined them but wanted to make borsch - and that can not be hurried. 

 

Also Sunday - the calendars for the grandparents got made. I find the whole process very stressful and frustrating, from selecting the photos to paying to using the coupons/deals, but the family leaned in and helped while I was having a toddler-worthy meltdown. Phew. 

Monday, my husband and I went on a brief hike. The temperature was below freezing and the forest was covered in snow. It was lovely. I wish the entire winter was like this. 

We have bird feeders near our living room windows. What with the snow and the cold, the birds have been devouring the food - and it's like watching a PBS documentary on the nature of power and influence. So much drama and fighting over resources. And in the meantime, the squirrels pick up the scraps and plot revenge. 

How is your winter going so far? What makes you happy? What are you loving right now?

Amazing Inventions

A friend was visiting and, as we talked, the subject of inventions came up. 

A while back, she asked her 90-something grandmother about the most life-improving invention that happened during her lifetime.

It was a washing machine for doing laundry. 

It got me thinking - was there anything similarly life-altering (in a good way) during my lifetime?

There are cell phones, sure,  and social media, and smartphones. But are those really an improvement? Ability to do video calls with friends and family in other countries? Maybe, but I don't do it much... Digital camera? Word processor? Streaming services?

Electric pencil sharpener?

Printer?

Maybe I'm too young and the amazing invention that will change my life is still to come...

What is the most amazing invention of your lifetime? What is the invention that you wish did not happen during your lifetime?

Guilty

 

I can never remember what's the right way to put toilet paper on the holder.

I am OK with leaving dirty dishes in the sink at night.

I like to poke bread dough. And sniff it. And taste it (and I am not sorry).

I lick bowls, spatulas, and beaters after I prepare batter or dough for baking. I also let my kids do it.

I am terrible at sending condolences cards. (I am working on this)

I ask someone else (my husband) to throw out anything that's horribly rotten/disfigured.

I forget people's names. 

What are you guilty of?

More About Food

I am not super-picky when it comes to food. But there are a few things that everyone seems to like and I just... blergh:

• peanut butter-chocolate combination (like Reese's-Pieces - no thank you!)
• mint-chocolate combination 
• marshmallows
• soda drinks 
• complicated ice creams (with lost of random bits and pieces that are not fruit or berries and that have no business being inside my ice cream) 
• Nerds (candy)
• Soft-serve ice cream
• Beer
• Doughnuts
• Dry pretzels
• Whipped cream from those aerosol cans - my kids actually (horror of horrors) spray it directly into their mouths (when they are certain I can't see them) 

Then again, there is a (probably) extensive list of things that I really like but other people look at me like I've sprouted an extra head.

• Buttermilk (to drink)
• Very tart cherries (especially right from the tree)
• Pickled herring
• Pickled mushrooms
• Mulberries (why does no one else eat them?)
• Fish eggs/roe
• Cow tongue (omg, I can't find it anywhere!!!! I really would love to make some for New Years!)
• Pancake batter, bread dough

A few things I had as a kid that would be eyebrow-raising if I mentioned it in polite society:

• Raw milk (so fresh it's still warm after the cow has been milked)
• Curdled milk
• Raw eggs (make 2 small holes with a needle and suck them out)
• Gnawing on chicken toes (in a soup)
• Pine nuts that you actually had to get out of the cone and then crack with a hammer (or a large stone)
• Bone marrow 

And finally, a list of things I thought were super weird when I first tried them as an adult, but grew to really like them:

• Avocadoes
• Tofu
• Mangoes
• Roasted chestnuts
• Pawpaws
• Fresh figs

Is there any food that you really like but everyone else thinks is weird?

Is there any food you absolutely despise but everyone around you likes it?

Of Food, and Staples, and Lack of Planning

I am not a planner.

I don't usually plan meals ahead. Instead, I typically have ingredients lying around to make basic things. Like salads. Or chicken soup. 

My son woke up this morning with a sore throat, zero energy, and a cough. He stayed home from school and he really wanted some warm soup.

I checked the freezer - I thought I had some chicken legs that would be good for making a broth, but nope, no luck. But I did find 2 frozen large chicken breasts. 

There are a few things that I try to always have at home:

• Onions
• Potatoes
• Carrots
• Noodles

Plus, I have bay leaf and salt. I didn't have fresh celery stalks, but if I did - I would have added a chunk of that to the broth.

The chicken soup came out delicious, with chunks of chicken and noodles.

************************************************************************

Food things I stock in the pantry/fridge:

• Vegetables that keep well
• Regular potatoes
• Sweet potatoes
• Onions
• Garlic
• Carrots
• Beets
• Cabbage
• Flour
• Yeast
• Eggs
• Rice
• Lentils
• Dry peas
• Sugar/brown sugar
• Honey
• Salt
• Matzo meal
• Canned tomato sauce or paste
• Fruit that keep well
• Apples
• Fruit that don't keep well
• Bananas (if they get brown, I freeze them and use them for banana bread)
• Dry spices/herbs 
• Dill, bay leaf, parsley
• Garlic powder
• Paprika
• Pepper
• Dairy stuff: milk, buttermilk, sour cream, yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese

Then there are fresh fruit/berries that are seasonal and spoil quickly, meat, fish, leafy greens, vegetables that don't keep well, and a few other things that we all love but only eat during certain seasons (squash! pomegranate! chestnuts!). This stuff, we buy (a lot) but I don't feel anxious if we are out of, say, tomatoes, or grapes, or salmon. But I really, really don't like to run out of onions.

What's in your pantry? Do you feel anxious about running out of certain things?

November Lists

On my playlist (in anticipation of an upcoming concert):

• Handel Concerto Grosso in D Major, HWV 323; Op. 6 No. 5
• J.S. Bach Concerto for 2 Violins in D Minor, BWV 1043
• Berio Selections from Duetti per due violini (1979)
• Schnittke Concerto Grosso No. 1

Watching

• Slow Horses
• The Moonflower Murders (I want a drive that red car... and I wish I could dress as well as Susan Ryeland)

Reading

• Just finished "A Psalm for the wild-built" by Becky Chambers. meh. Not my cup of tea.

Loving

• Trails at the nearby park
• Homemade pumpkin muffins with walnuts
• Relaxing under a warm fuzzy blanket next to kids 

Not loving

• Everything in the news

Struggling

• Parenting: kids talking back, kids glued to devices (they all have school-issued laptops, plus the older 2 have their phones), the youngest one not going to bed/not getting up, kids not doing chores (they are all super busy with homework and activities, so I kind of let things slide... but I don't think this is good). 
• Future: I think I am going through an identity crisis... it's been a while since I've had one of those

Cooking

• Recent hits: mujaddra (learned from a friend in college), roasted potatoes, Costco kale salads (salad from a bag, but I also add cucumbers, sweet pepper, pomegranate, tomatoes), pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin muffins, roasted butternut squash
• Recent misses: scrambled eggs, sauteed chicken breast medley - it wasn't terrible, but 2/3 kids complained and picked at/refused to eat
• I've been reluctant to experiment with cooking new things (because 2 of the kids will probably complain) - but I think I need to let go of that... My husband and my oldest will eat pretty much anything, and I am bored of making same old stuff.
• My youngest baked chocolate cupcakes from scratch, all by herself. They were delicious. She tried making the icing but that didn't quite work out - I am not a fan of icing, so I was thrilled to eat the "naked" cupcakes.

Energy

Career-wise, I've been in a slump. 

I've been looking around for opportunities at other companies. But when I dug deeper, it looked like other companies were kind of the same as where I'm now, with similar (or worse) issues.

Maybe I need to re-think what I am doing with my life.

Yesterday, I took the train into Philly and walked a few blocks from the train station to the hospital for my MRI. And it was... energizing. Not the MRI (still waiting for results - wish me luck). The walk in the city. The view, the sense of purpose, the bustle, the cafes, the mish-mash of pedestrians that were students/people in a hurry/people exercising/walking their dog/running to get coffee/ - it all made me feel alive and self-aware.

Perhaps I need to get out of the house more.

Perhaps even for an introvert, solitary writing work for more than 10 years and working exclusively from home for the last 5 years is just... too solitary.

Perhaps I need to figure out away to work elsewhere (library? coffee shop?). More importantly, perhaps I can figure out a way to steer my career towards projects that require working with others. 

Dear Reader: what makes you feel energized and hopeful?

Nothing on My Mind

It is a beautiful day - I just got back from a quick walk around the block.

The kids are off from school (because of election day). The older 2 are on a hike with their high school adventure club. The youngest is off to a park with friends. 

I am a bit jealous.

I've got a ton of work to get through.

I'll be going to get my annual MRI done tomorrow. It was an ordeal to get that scheduled! Because of my insurance, I used to get all radiology done with a provider that was in a completely different system (Crozer) than all my doctors (Penn medicine). Earlier this year, Crozer went out of business and closed all their facilities. Our insurance switched my radiology provider to Penn Medicine. I was thrilled - it's much easier to get stuff done (referrals! authorizations!) and get all the records to/from doctors when everyone is in the same system. (I was actually considering switching my insurance and/or primary provider because of the inconvenience of having to get all radiology done in an unrelated medical system where I sometimes had to carry around CD's of previous MRI's and mammograms because they couldn't always access each other's records). 

Anyway. Seems like all problems solved, right?

Well... not so fast.

Because now getting an MRI appointment is ... a pain. Because all the people who used to go to Crozer now need to go somewhere else. And there are only so many MRI facilities.

I was due for MRI in October. Breast MRI needs to be done at a certain time during the menstrual cycle, so I typically would call on Day 1 and get an appointment set up a week or two later. Ha. This time, when I called - the earliest appointment they had (at one of the convenient locations) was in January. 

I tried again in November, this time, widening the search to locations that were somewhat less convenient. They had a cancellation and I was able to get an appointment. It's tomorrow, in center city Philly! Not ideal, but will do. 

It doesn't make sense to drive into the city (traffic is going to be awful), so I'll be taking the train in the morning, then walking over to the hospital. If I have time, I'll stop by a cafe and get myself a treat. I'll bring my work with me. I'll bring a book. Still, this is half a day that I'll need to take off.

Are you happy with your health insurance? Do you get regular check-ups? Do you like your doctors?

(For me, it's "meh", "yes", and "meh")

Splurge Dreams

If money were no object...

If all necessities were covered, if all loved ones were taken care of, if I didn't feel guilty about spending money on myself...

One thing I would splurge on would be a personal stylist.

Someone to put together outfits for me. Someone to help me find clothing that's comfortable and looks flattering. Somebody who would take the stress out of shopping (and perhaps let me stay home and just bring stuff for me to try on...) 

Someone to help me figure out what I would wear for different occasions.

Outfits for working from home - something that's comfortable and that I don't have to change out of if I decide to go for a walk. 

Casual outfits for going out.

Slightly less casual outfits for going out.

Dressy outfits for very rare occasions when I need them.

I can dream, right?

Murderer

Our cat Vlad has killed something, again. And ate it.

There are blood smears on the floor. 

Based on the amount of blood - it must have been small.

We haven't heard any commotion and the furniture wasn't disturbed.

It was probably a mouse or a chipmunk.

Vlad looks content, asleep in his pink fluffy bed.

There is nothing left, no tail, or innards, no tufts of fur.

Unless Vlad stuffed a present into someone's shoe. Ugh.

This is what's it's like, to live with a killer. One always has to be weary of finding bits and pieces of dead things.

Speaking of killers...

There is a herd of deer that hangs out on our street. We see them every single day - they travel from yard to yard, eating everything in their path. I think this is a perfect idea for a horror film. The Herd. You come out to get the paper in the morning - and they are there. You drive you children home from swim practice - and they are there. You walk your child to the bus stop - and they are there. Always, standing there, watching with those eerie eyes, unafraid, uncontained, twitching their ears and tails, signaling to each other.

If you think they are harmless bambis - look up the statistics on deer-related fatal car crashes. They lie in wait, and jump onto the road (usually after dark) in front of your car, like absolute maniacs. 

If you were to write a horror story about something seemingly innocent and mundane - what would it be?

Lists from Orbital

I am (slowly) making my way through Orbital by Samantha Harvey. The more I read it, the more I like it. This is not a book I can rush through. 

One of the astronauts composes various lists - here are a few, adapted from the book (I used 3 from the book and added a few of my own in italics):

Irritating things

• Tailgaters
• Peeing in space when in a hurry
• Whispering people
• Random dirty glasses, bowls, and cups left around the house
• People not responding when you say "dinner time"
• Vague answers

Reassuring things:

• The earth below
• Mugs with sturdy handles
• Trees
• Smell of fresh bread
• Hugs from dad
• Music by JS Bach

Surprising things:

• The imagination
• A blue pen with red lid
• Children in bow ties
• People 
• Toddlers speaking in full sentences
• Finding my kids' stuff in lost-and-found

Maddening things:

• Non-opening windows
• Powerlessness
• Fire alarm tests
• Kids spitting out food 
• Bad traffic when running late
• Somebody saying "I told you so!"

Anticipated things:

• O-nigiri
• Slamming a door in anger
• Sore feet
• First cup of coffee in the morning
• The taste of chocolate after unwrapping a piece of candy
• Beautiful foliage in the fall

Do you find any of the categories harder than the others? 

For me, it was "surprising things". 

Weekend Report

The weekend did not feel particularly productive. And yet, a lot of stuff got done.

Friday:

• C's school dance followed by a sleepover at a friend's house
• The rest of us indulged in takeout for dinner and then watched 6th Sense together.

Saturday:

• H: dive practice
• C: swim practice and soccer
• Everyone except H went out for a nice walk on a nearby trail (C brought a friend)
• E and I went to get our driver licenses (I needed mine renewed and E needed to get the official driver's license done after passing the test a few weeks ago). I was worried that it would take the whole day, but things actually moved pretty quickly once we got through the initial >1 hour line to get into the place. Overall, maybe 1.5 hours? (not bad at all, considering how busy it gets on Saturdays at PennDOT)
• Food shopping + putting everything away 
• Friends were supposed to come over but they cancelled. So... we had a free Saturday evening.
• We figured it would be fun to have a family celebration of our 20th anniversary - we decided to go out for some Ethiopian food. Husband and I first tried Ethiopian food back in Chicago around the time we got engaged. It seemed like a good adventure to have - venture out to Philly and do something that brings back memories from the days when we were young and fearless (and also it has been ages wince we've had Ethiopian food) :)
• The first place we got to - the owner was closing it up just as came to the door. They ran out of injera. I decided it was all for the best - the street had piles of garbage and H spotted a rat running along the sidewalk. My husband did a quick phone-reconnaissance and found another Ethiopian restaurant. It was only a few blocks away, but the neighborhood was much nicer and the restaurant was open and had tables available.
• The food was good!!!! The flavors were just as I remembered. Kids loved it. Husband and E were so happy - they had their fill (they both got to the point that they could eat no more - this doesn't happen too often). C liked the food and while she was cautious about trying new flavors (she usually doesn't like things that are too spicy) - she had fun. H had a few moments of freak-out because of people sticking fingers into food (there was a common platter with different thing piled on that everyone shared in, using pieces of injera bread so scoop up the food).

Sunday:

• Hebrew School for C and H
• I did a solo walk in the park while E and husband went out on a bike ride
• We took the kids to get flu + covid shots
• H has a babysitting job that she needed a ride to and from
• Laundry
• Returned jeans that E didn't like
• E made Shepard's Pie for dinner
• C had a playdate at a friend's house

Overall: while I did no cleaning, minimal cooking, no baking, and no laundry-folding, there was important time-consuming stuff that got done (licenses! vaccinations!)

What did you like about your weekend? What do you wish was different?

Books, Shows, Concerts, Etc

Reading now: The Staircase in the Woods by Chuck Wendig

    Not sure how I feel about it yet.

Also reading now: The Orbital by Samantha Harvey

    I started it a while back and just couldn't get into it. Took about a 6-months break. Now reading it again in an on-again, off-again sort of way. It is growing on me. It is beautiful and strangely compelling - but requires a certain mindset (and a certain degree of alertness and willingness to be fascinated by people floating around in space without any obvious plot).

Recently finished and absolutely loved: The Anomaly by Herve Le Tellier. 

    It was just the right amount of realism, human stories, science fiction (sort of), and the ending - oh my goodness, that was absolute perfection. I don't think I've ever experienced "breaking the 4th wall" to that extent while reading. Highly recommend it. Very thought-provoking (what does it mean to be human? what is reality? do we truly care?).

Watching with family: The Good Place. 

    Just started season 2. Loving it. Kids love it, too.

Recently finished watching with family: Schitt's Creek. 

    We loved it so much. H and C want to be Moira and Alexis for Halloween.

Also watching (by myself): The Magicians. 

    It's not really my cup of tea, and yet I keep watching. There are parallels with Narnia, except this world is pretty twisted (while still managing to be full of wonder). I appreciate it because I really, really do not like Narnia but I love the idea of being able to visit your favorite imaginary world (and this world turning out to be not quite what you imagined...)

Concert: Mendelssohn's Piano Concerto No. 1 and Symphony No. 1. It was inspiring, and fun, and an absolute joy. 

In Search of Neverland

I would really like a break from being a grown-up.

I would like to have no responsibilities, for, say 2 weeks? No "what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner" (but I may be willing to help with clean-up). No shopping lists. No complicated mental gymnastics to make sure kids get to their schools/activities/lessons.

I do not want to make my bed.

I do not want to pick up a million of cups and glasses left all over the house. Or socks. Or books.

I do not want to remind kids to clean up after themselves.

I do not want to exercise.

I do not want to pay the bills, or set up medical appointments, or call the repair person to fix the kitchen lights.

I would like to eat snacks, read something for fun, and take naps. I would really like someone else to take care of meals and all kid-related activities. I would like the house to be magically tidy and organized (and pretty, too) without any effort from me.

I would also really like fresh bread  to just appear at my house every morning. 

That's pretty much it.

Too much to ask?

20 Years

This September, my husband and I had our 20th anniversary. 

You know what we did?

Nothing.

Because it was on a Thursday, and we were exhausted, and we didn't plan anything in advance.

We are OK with that. But maybe we can do something special even if it ends up being in October or November - I'm thinking an experience-type thing..  Going on a tour of something or other? Or maybe a haunted house? Or a bike ride somewhere that's not too hilly? 

What's your favorite anniversary experience?

Weekend Report and Week Plan

Friday afternoon:

• 4:20 pm picked up E from cross country practice
• Frantically tried to finish up work
• 5 pm - helped set up for "Pasta Night" at E's teammate's house
• 6:30 Pasta Night for the cross country team, to get the boys ready for the next day's race (a few parents work together to prepare insane amounts of pasta, meatballs, salad, and dessert). After the boys are all set with their food, the parents eat, hang out, chat. It was fun but also exhausting - not because of food prep, but because of being an introvert. Keeping up with multiple conversations on a Friday night is just hard.
• While this was going on, my husband rushed home from work to get our youngest to her swim practice at 6.

Saturday:

• 8 am: husband took H to dive practice
• I didn't sleep well the night before, so I was super-tired all Saturday. In the morning, I made "cheesniki" - sort of pancakes with ricotta cheese (I typically use cottage cheese, but wanted to do something different - and I also added a bit of pumpkin puree). The reaction from kids was "not bad." Apparently, much better than my experiment with scrambled eggs from a couple of days ago (those came out really weird).
• C's swim practice was cancelled. 
• I took the girls shopping. H found a dress for homecoming. I spent a few relaxing minutes in a coffee shop (I tried cortado - it was great!) while they were looking at some other stuff.
• E's race was at 2:30 at a nearby park, so we went and cheered him on. He came in 8th in the JV race.
• C's soccer was at 4 at the middle school field - I dropped her off and then went across the street to the park to watch the cross country varsity race. The top runners are insanely fast. 
• Walked back to watch the rest of C's soccer game (her team won and C, who likes playing defense, made a few very nice saves).
• Walked back to the park with C and her friend to watch the awards ceremony for cross country.
• Walked back to the middle school with all the kids and drove home. 
• There was a lot of back-and-forth walking... the park is right across the street from the middle school. We probably spent more time waiting for the light to change at a crosswalk (it's a very busy street) then actually walking.
• Got home, made + ate dinner. 
• Folded laundry and watched the last few episodes of Schitt's Creek. I am going to miss this show!

Sunday:

• Hebrew School for the girls (H is a teacher aide)
• Worked a bit in the morning
• 12pm: took E to work and picked up the girls + had lunch with my parents
• H had a make-up piano lesson.
• C and I did some food shopping
• 2pm: C had a Hebrew lesson and I chatted with a friend about the challenges of pre-teens and teens.
• After we got home, my husband worked on painting the hallway while I prepared dinner and did more laundry.
• 7pm: C's make-up cello lesson (the lessons got moved from their usual Monday spot because of Back-to-School night at the high school)
• 9pm: Did a bit more work and  chatted with kids for a while about random things. 

This week's game plan:

• Monday: Back-to-School Night!!!! Also, E's driving test. 
• Tuesday: E has another race and then orchestra rehearsal, while the girls have first swim (C) and then dive (H) practices. My husband has a work dinner thing, so I'm solo-parenting all evening.
• Wednesday: It's October!!! And Yom Kippur starts in the evening.
• Thursday: Yom Kippur. The kids and I will go to services (E and H volunteer to help out with taking care of little kids while the parents are at services. C will probably will hang out with them and her friends most of the time). As usual, I'll fast as long as I can - I start eating if I feel faint or intensely angry.
• Friday: kids are off but I am working. C has swimming.
• Saturday/Sunday: we've got the swim lesson (C), Homecoming dance (H), Hebrew School (C+H), soccer game (C)... Husband and E are planning to go out of town to visit a college. The kids need fall and winter clothing, so maybe we'll do some more shopping.

Role Models and Anti-Models

There are some people I look at, and I am thinking "I want to be THEM when I grow up."

Then again, there are people I look at and it's "Please G-d, don't let me become THAT."

The kids and I went to the Rosh Hashanah services yesterday. They went off to volunteer and help out with little kids and I ended up sitting by myself. I meant to use that time to think deeply and to figure out goals & life direction, that sort of thing. But, as it happens every year, I ended up paying attention to the services - some of the time - and people-watching. There were also random thoughts that kept popping up in my head.

1. It is very special to feel like I am part of this community

2. This is a big part of the reason why we came to the US - to be able to participate in a Jewish community without fear

3. Safety concerns are very real - I wouldn't call it fear, but there's definitely been an increase in awareness and training on safety protocols at our schul (a place of gathering/prayer/synagogue)

3. It is good to see friends

4. People-watching is the best. There was a weird passive-aggressive squabble over seats (mainly, older folks were oblivious and taking over someone else's seat, and younger folks were oblivious that it would be hard for some people to squeeze through into the middle of a row - especially with walkers)

5. Some people have the most beautiful voices. I wish I could sing better

There is a person in our congregation, a few years older than me (let's call her A) - she is strong, and not afraid to share opinions, and speaks multiple (3 or 4?) languages, and ... let's just say, if I needed life advice - she would be the person to ask. She might not actually give advice, but she would have a few names of people she would suggest I talk to. She is not afraid to wear bright colors. She is absolutely unafraid to be herself. Now, I don't know if I really want to become A - we are just too different.  I am too fearful of everything and I will never be enough of a grown-up. But it's great to have a person like her that I can have on my "admire" list.

There is another person in our congregation. Let's call her M. She is probably in her late 60's or early 70's. She comes across as the most grouchy, bitter, unfriendly person - and I always think about how I absolutely do not want to become like her. [to be fair, I do not not her well and maybe she is wonderful and kind when you get to know her... but every interaction the kids and I have had with her has been... unpleasant. Also, she may have very legitimate reasons to be grumpy and unfriendly, but that's not the point here.] Unfortunately, I feel like I have all the pre-conditions and personality traits to become exactly like M and worse. I don't really know what to do about that, other than remind myself "do not be like M!"

Do you have people in your life that you want to try and be more like them? Do you have people in your life that you hope you won't turn into as you get older?

Coffee & Things

/got the idea for this from Daria - thank you Daria!/

Hello there,

Sit down, make yourself comfortable. How about a cup of coffee? Or, perhaps, tea? I've got a full drawer of tea: green, black, and everything in between.

How is September treating you? Do you also have the whiplash feeling of things spiraling out of control? Yeah, same.

It's busy but it's also fun. That said, I need to be mindful of the every-day mayhem and where it's taking me. A year or two ago, I felt like driving the kids to different activities/meets/music lesson multiple times every single day was something to hold on to and enjoy - because in just a few years, they will all be grown up and off doing their own grown-up things. So, of course I should lean into spending as much time and effort on the day-to-day life with them as possible. Except, after a few months, the burn-out set in and I started feeling grumpy and resentful and angry.

So, on one hand, I need to remind myself - they are growing up so fast! - lean in and enjoy the mayhem and the crazy tetris of activities. But on the other hand, I also need to remind myself - leave time for the quiet solo walks, the reading, the daydreaming.

Speaking of reading... I've been in a bit of a reading slump. Life has been stressful (and not just because of kids' activities: there's my parents' health stuff, there are some hard choices I need to make about work, there is the world-at-large) and I just haven't been able to escape into books. 

I am still reading - just not much. I finished Katarin Kariko's autobiography "Breaking Through: My Life in Science". It was a good read: inspiring and thought-provoking. It avoided the "me, me, me" pitfall of some of the autobiographical works. It was about science, it was about family, it was about hard work. 

But that's pretty much it for what I've read in August and September. I started "The Murders in Great Diddling" by Katarina Bivald - I remember enjoying her other books - but reading is feeling more like a chore and less like and escape (and this is not the book's fault!).

How about you - any interesting non-fiction reads? What about fiction? Have you encountered anything that you feel is turning your life upside down? I love books like that - but you have to be in the right mindset for that sort of thing...

Oh, my coffee is getting cold.

I hope you have a fantastic weekend. I hope you find balance for all the "must-do's" and all the "want-to-do's" and also the "let's do nothing-do's".

Walls

Sometimes I have a hard time believing it, but we've been in our house for more than 10.5 years. This is   the longest I've ever lived anywhere!

The previous owners did a nice job with choosing wall paint for the common living space - the house looked good and the paint colors were neutral enough to go with everything, so we never bothered to do anything with the living/dining/family room walls. The walls in the entry hallway were dark-chocolate brown, which seemed like an odd choice for a small poorly lit area, but just sort of worked with the flow and color schemes of the rooms. So for a decade, we just kind of shrugged - yeah, the hallway is a bit dark, but it's kind of bold and statement-like. 

It's funny, because I was just talking to C's friend's parents, and they said that when they bought their brand-new house, they asked that all the walls are painted in a very neutral, light-gray color, because they weren't sure they were going to stay there and because they wanted something that would be "agreeable" if they put the house on the market. Well, they decided to stay, and after staring at their light-gray walls for a bunch of years, they feel "meh" and want a change. They want something bright, something interesting, something that makes a statement. They are tired of neutrality.

And I feel exactly the same (but in the opposite way) - after more than 10 years of chocolate-brown hallway, I feel "meh" about the walls. I want something different: something understated, something that can be brightened up with a vase, or a picture, something that's not someone else's bold statement. 

So, this weekend, we started taping up the woodwork, my husband started spackling, and I started putting down a couple of layers of primer.

We are going to go with light gray that has a bit of a blue tint in it. 

But I am not completely opposed to the idea of an accent wall that has a bit more color in it. Just not dark-brown.

Do you have a favorite wall color?

Thursday Thoughts: September 2025

How is it that tomorrow is Friday? I feel like the week just started.

Happy things:

• Kids are sharing stories about their teachers and classmates
• Beautiful weather
• Husband and I went for a walk in the park this morning, before starting work

Sad things:

• Family meals - it's rare that we can get everyone at the table at the same time
• Politics 
• Economy
• Wars
• Poverty
• Anti-science crap 
• Anti-vaccine crap
• Global warming
• Today is 9/11

Anxiety-inducing things:

• Pretty much everything in the news
• Purchasing a new violin
• Laundry baskets (I can't even look at them!)
• Hallway walls (I got paint, brushes, tape: I just need to find the time to actually do the painting!)
• Work to-do list

Pizza Sushi

There is a cafe in Tallinn, not far from the old city. There is a very generic worn-out sign on an apartment building, saying "Pizza Sushi", and then there is a flight of stairs leading down into the basement.

Once you take those stairs and walk through the double-doors, you find yourself in a small cafe: 5-6 tables covered in checkered table cloths, a counter with a line-up of alcohol behind it, a few menus. Familiar music may be playing in the background - you can't place it at first, but then you recognize it as a theme from an old Soviet TV show "Seventeen Moment of Spring." 

This may or may not be important: "Seventeen Moments of Spring" is about a Soviet spy operating in Nazi Germany under the name "Stirlitz." Everyone from the USSR knows Stirlitz even if they've never seen the TV show - in part, because of numerous jokes [Stirlitz was out on a stroll when he heard a vehicle approaching from behind. "It will just have to go around me," shrugged Stirlitz, as he continued walking on the train track]. The music (beautiful and haunting) from the show is famous.

I digress.

Imagine, you and your family are tired and hungry, and you make a beeline for the counter and pick up a menu. There is a long list of pizzas and sushi and drinks and what-nots - but you dont' really get a chance to have a good look, because a man (possibly the owner?) comes to the counter, shakes his head, and proceeds to speak in rapid Estonian while carefully taking the menu out of your hands. 

What would you do?

Dear Reader, I did what I usually do when in an unfamiliar situation and unsure of how to respond.

I froze.

The man then switched to perfect fluent Russian.

This, it turned out, was not a real menu - this was just Pizza and Sushi. If we were interested in eating, here were the options:

[And he proceeded to rapidly list  a bunch of very Russian-sounding dishes]

I translated the options to my family.

The owner (let's call him Viktor) made recommendations: "Try this and this, the best things on the menu today!"

We sat down at one of the larger tables, and had one of the best meals ever. The food was absolutely amazing. 

There were a couple of other people scattered at the tables - all having their meals alone. Some were looking at their phones. One person seemed to be watching a movie while eating. Everyone was studiously ignoring the big noisy American family.

They were all speaking Russian.

Viktor came out to ask how we liked the food. We loved it - the best food we've had all trip. But did he happen to have any Blinchiki?  

Not today. But if we come back tomorrow, Viktor would make Blinchiki for us.

We came back the next day and had Blinchiki, and Pelmeni, and Fish Kotleti. Again, all absolutely delicious.

There were more Russian customers in the cafe on the second day. Viktor's son, Grisha, was helping out and chatting with the visitors.

I kept wondering: the Pizza Sushi menu - was that some kind of code? If one ordered "Pizza Marinara" - did that have a hidden meaning that was telegraphed over to Moscow from a hidden sub-basement full of spy equipment?

Is the cafe a front for the KGB? 

Truth be told, I want more of those Fish Kotlieti. In fact, Viktor promised next time we come to Tallinn, he would make Zrazi for us. 

Luckily, we are pretty much nobodies with no connections - so unlikely we need to worry about Novichok being slipped into our food.

Have you ever had run-ins with the secret police?

Back to School

 We've got 11th, 10, and 6th grades! This is the kids' first week back to school. So far, they like most of their teachers, they are happy to see their friends, and they like their classes (for the most part).

C (6th grade) is not too thrilled about Graphic Design. 

H (10th grade) complained that her Algebra II class is bad because she didn't have any friends in it. (She is very happy to have a ton of friends who are taking Bio with her)

E (11th grade) finally has real lunch again this year! But he is complaining that there is not enough food and he is still hungry all the time. He is planning to make himself a ton of stir-fried rice to pack for tomorrow. (Last year, he did lunch-and-learn, where he took an extra class instead of lunch period)

Not all activities and clubs started quite yet, so this week is on the quiet side.

It's going to get busier next week because the girls will start swim (C) and dive (H). And soccer is starting this Saturday (C).

It's weirdly quiet most of the day... And then the kids come home and life explodes again :)

The Enemy of Good

I finally bought a few drawer organizers and wall hooks for the kitchen. The baking drawer has been a mess since we renovated the kitchen - all those measuring cups, spoons, spatulas, and whisks, and innumerable other tools - either floating around the drawer or being stuck in the old organizer bin that was no longer a good fit for the drawer.

In the old kitchen, I had a drawer wide enough to fit my 2 favorite organizer bins side-by-side.

I love my old organizer 

 The new drawer is just a little more narrow, but also deeper.

I kept looking for exactly the same organizers - they are so sturdy and well-made - hoping to find the same make but slightly different dimensions. I am pretty sure I originally got them from IKEA about 15 years ago.

IKEA does not sell them anymore. I did not like the new styles for drawer dividers from IKEA. I had to look elsewhere.

And I looked, and looked - and there just wasn't anything I loved. Nothing seemed quite perfect.

I eventually came to a decision to just get something. I drew a grid to figure out what sizes would fit together the best. I got a few bamboo trays of different sizes from Amazon and a few more from Lowes. A few trays came yesterday - and I put them in. I filled them with the measuring spoons and cups, whisks, and spatulas. Not perfect, but good enough. Two thirds of the drawer are now organized! 

New organizers

In the meantime, I can keep an eye out for those perfect drawer organizers - while having my tools nice and neat inside maybe-imperfect trays. Maybe I'll find something better. Maybe not. But it feels so good to just make a decision and move on.

To Speak or Not to Speak

I've been asked about what language I spoke when travelling in the Baltic region (and Daria asked if people in Latvia gave me a hard time when speaking Russian).

The short answer: it depends.

The long answer:

Finland: mostly English. I attempted to say "thank you" in Finnish (kiitos) whenever possible, and also found myself using "sorry" (anteeksi) quite a bit. I sometimes asked "do you speak English?" whenever I was starting a conversation. For the most part, people recognized me as a foreigner right away and would use English. A couple of times, random people spoke Finnish to me, but the abject look of terror and confusion on my face would make the pause and switch to English.

The exception was our tour guide from Green Cap Tours. His name was Ruslan and he was from Russia :) So we chatted in Russian! The guy has been living in Finland for 5 years (after living for a while in Spain), was planning to apply for citizenship, and was absolutely fluent in English. He just finished his graduate degree in Helsinki and was studying Finnish to get ready for his citizenship application. 

Estonia: I was very strategic. I would eavesdrop to hear what language the store clerks spoke to customers or to each other. If I heard them speak Russian - I would also speak Russian. If they spoke Estonian, I would ask them if they spoke English (this only happened a couple of times, and always with people in their 20's - they spoke perfect English). A lot of people spoke Russian! I tried to use "Aitah" (thank you) and "Vabandust" (sorry). 

We also had an absolutely fascinating lingual and culinary experience at a cafe in Tallinn - I'll have to do a special "sushi/pizza" post on that!!!

My daughters and I went to H&M and bought a couple of tops. The girl (in her 20's) who worked at the cash register was helping us, and because the kids and I spoke English, it just kind of happened that I spoke English while paying. I was asked to show an ID (because of some weirdness with the foreign credit card) - and when she saw my name, she said something along the lines of "Oh, this looks like a Slavic name!" 

This completely caught me off guard! So I started to explain how I used to live in Latvia when I was a teen. 

And then she asked:"Oh, so do you speak Latvian?" 

Um... no: "Oh, I used to speak some Latvian when I was a kid, but I have forgotten it all. But I do speak Russian!" (A moment later came a belated thought - maybe I should not have shared that...)

She frowned and  said: "Oh, boo....." 

And then she signed and added "Actually, I speak Russian, too."

The kids and I thought the whole experience was rather awkward.

Latvia: Same as in Estonia - I eavesdropped to see what the preferred language was. I was very happy that I actually was still able to understand a bit of Latvian (very basic stuff on how much things cost, etc). Young-ish people were more likely to speak Lativan/English. 

No one gave me a hard time for speaking either language, but like I said, I was pretty cautious. Also, there are a lot of people speaking Russian in Riga!

When in Tukums (small town, not as many people likely to speak Russian), we stopped by the Durbe palace and I had a couple of questions for the people who worked there. I asked if they preferred English or Russian, and they said "Russian, please" - with a lot more happiness than I expected, provided that we were very near a former USSR air base. Useful words: Paldies (thank you), piedod man ludzu (excuse me), labdien (good day).

There is definitely a lot of bitterness in Estonia and Latvia about Russia. There is a big accent on commemorating freedom and independence from Russia in both countries. There is also quite a bit of bitterness in the Russian-speaking community about feeling forced to give up identity/language, at least in Latvia.

Overall: When people didn't speak English, chances were, we could communicate in Russian. When people didn't speak Russian, we could usually use English. There may have been a couple of instances where neither of those languages worked and I was gesturing wildly, while saying Kiitos, Aitah, or Paldies.

Sick and Life Updates

My parents came back from their trip to Canada last Friday. They had a wonderful time at Dad's best friend's grandson's wedding.* 

Unfortunately, mom now has a black eye, a broken rib, and a broken shoulder (what kind of a party did she go to?). Also, they both tested positive for COVID after getting home, and now I am sick, too. 

In other news: 

• We rented a full-size cello for C. 
• E is looking for a new violin - he's been trying a bunch out, but so far - no winners.
• H is loving her school schedule, especially because English is not until the second semester. To H, this means that she does not have to get back to reading Frankenstein (summer reading) until winter break.
• The weather is beautiful right now - I wish I could go for a hike. But I'm not feeling great and have a ton of work...
• The weekend was not too busy: helping out my parents, going to the cello rental place, going to the pool. Also, as always, laundry. 
• My energy level is ridiculously low: I made banana bread last Saturday, and then felt so tired I needed to sit down and rest a while. Really! 

 

*Dad has a best friend from med school that he has been in touch with all these years. Their daughter and grandkids live in Canada. 

Things Are

 Hi all,

Things are a little crazy right now. Work is, once again, exploding with stress and long hours. Kids are about to start school! We a week to get ready. I haven't even started looking at school supplies. The girls need new backpacks this year - they found some on amazon and threw in some pens and pencils - so at least we'll have that. House needs cleaning and organizing. There is just an overwhelming amount of stuff that needs to get done and competing priorities.

E had his first race today.

H has been babysitting this whole week.

C had a horse camp - she loved it.

My husband's birthday is coming up and I need to make sure I have ingredients for his pineapple upside-down cake.

There is also laundry - omg, there's laundry that I started this mornign and totally forgot until this very minute.

There is also an issue with E's class schedule (high school went to block schedule, so there have been some problems) - he is mostly taking care of things on his own, but he needs help putting together an email trying to get the school to do something a bit unconventional. All his math/physics classes are fine, but he wanted to take Honors English and, instead, he needs to choose between standard and AP... neither of those is a great option for him. Also, he thought he was taking French, but it's not in his schedule - some wires got crossed along the way (we should have paid better attention when the letter came listing the classes that he selected back in March - but I thought it was there - and it wasn't). For French - he can always take one more class his Senior year, and he already has the required number of years for the college programs he wants to apply to (2 years of French; he technically has 3 if you count the middle school). Also, he complained about the French class non-stop, so maybe this is meant to be.

Alrighty, I am going to run and take care of laundry.

How is your end-of-summer going? Do you also feel like it's a sprint to finish all those to-do's?

Latvia Highlights

• Sunset on the Baltic sea. It was spectacular and one of the most special things we experienced as a family. Everyone loved it!
• Mosquitos were exactly as bad as I remembered them from childhood. 
• Sigulda was cool (other than road constructions everywhere). Turaida castle and Gauja river in the background:

• Jurmala was fun and very nice (and a lovely place to walk around). Husband and kids went to the water park in Jurmala - the kids loved it (I suspect my husband did, too).
• Meeting up with a friend from grad school days and catching up on life; having dinners together and exploring places on foot. 
• Meeting up with school friend from childhood (it's been 31 year since we've seen each other), catching up on life. Also having our kids hanging out together! Also seeing her mom and sister again and visiting her home. 
• Swimming in the Baltic sea - finally I could enjoy myself and just float in gentle waters without being constantly knocked over by waves or swallowing tons of super salty water. Yes, the water was on the chilly side, but not too bad. 
• Riga was beautiful. The organ at the Dome Cathedral - spectacular. Roosters on the roof! Also in Riga - the Freedom Monument and the nearby park are beautiful (the park is a very nice spot to relax).
• An older guy playing Raimonds Pauls on saxophone near the train station. 
• Military planes doing their routine exercises near Tukums at the repurposed former Russian base.
• Market place in Riga (near the train station, in old zeppelin hangars) - omg, food!!! This is no tourist attraction - this is the real deal. 

Latvia - Tukums

After more than 30 years, I visited the town I used to live in.

We lived in Tukums for 3 years in the mid-80's, and then came back in 1991, planning to stay for good. Needless to say - things did not go that way. We ended up emigrating in 1994, for multiple reasons.

Coming back in 2025 and walking around the streets, seeing my old apartment building, the school, the railway station - it was meaningful in ways I did not expect and that I am still trying to process.

Visiting Tukums did not bring back negative memories (honestly, after all that time, any intense emotions seemed to have dissipated and were but a shadow of things that I used to remember).

It did not trigger happy feelings, or sad feelings, or the longing for childhood.

But it did give me a sense of reality and confidence. 

Things that I remember - they are real. They are not a figment of a child's overactive imagination (I did have an overactive imagination). The town stands. Many things are exactly as I remember. My life in Tukums was real. My school is solid and well-maintained. My apartment building is a little rougher than it used to be, but still good and clean and solid.

Our apartment building in Tukums  - Aviacias iela

It felt good that things didn't change. It felt amazing that memories could be validated and allowed to acquire certain solidity.

There was such comfort that I could visit things that were - that still are - it made me feel like all was well in the world. It made me feel more solid, more real.

My kids, on the other hand, thought the trip to Tukums was rather boring.

They were slightly aghast at the sight of my apartment building - "You used to live here?"

Well yes, dear children, and it was quite nice that we had our separate 2-room apartment, with running water and electricity. 

Other amenities, such as hot water, were a different story. After the summer of 1991, our part of town had no hot water, little heat in the winter, and little gas for cooking (the flames were so low it took hours to boil water). This went on, according to my school friend, for 7 years (less than 3 for us - we left in May of 1994). 

But still. We had a place to live. I went to school (and I am forever grateful to my amazing math and chemistry teachers - and sad for my kids who do not get anywhere near the level of excellence in math, with sub-zero expectations - we'll see about chemistry and physics this year)

I am so glad I went to Tukums and I am so happy my family were able to come along (even though the kids didn't find the trip particularly meaningful). I am so glad that Tukums looks the same as I remember: clean, neat, small, quiet. I am so glad the school I went to is still in use. And that the music school and the hospital were exactly where they used to be.

Tallinn

Tallinn is such a beautiful city. I think I visited once as a child, but I didn't remember anything. It looked old but new, full of life, and very proud of it's history. 

We stayed at a very nice apartment just a short walk from the old city. My husband and I went on walks there every morning while the kids were still asleep, exploring the alleys and narrow streets, looking through store windows, enjoying the quiet.

We stumbled across a little cafe that had delicious home-made food (more Russian than Estonian). We went there twice - something we almost never do (we usually like to try different places) - but the food was great, the owner was nice, and it was literally across the street from us. (Also, when someone says "Come back tomorrow! I'll make blinchiki for you!" - yep, we'll be there!)

Tallinn was so very alive. People enjoying the restaurants, sitting outside, exploring the city. Teens hanging out at a park in the evening. Live music. 

A lot of Russian language. From what I've heard, not much mixing among Russian-speakers and Estonian-speakers - like 2 parallel world that seem to (relatively peacefully) coexist.

The Kiek in de Kök museum was great - very well maintained and interesting exhibits. We all loved the walk along the old wall. The underground tunnels were extensive and also had impressive audio/video exhibits featuring more recent history.

The Maritime Museum - I was exhausted and my brain pretty much shut down 15 minutes in, but my husband and E liked it tremendously. Very interactive and very well organized. They had a submarine as well as a few other ships you could go into and explore. 

In general, Tallinn is very traveler-friendly. Public transportation is easy to use (we just scanned our credit cards when entering buses - but you do need a different card for each person). Free wi-fi is available in a lot of spots in the city. It was interesting how very old things in the city co-exist with the very new tech stuff.

I think for the kids, Tallinn was their favorite city on our trip.

Helsinki Report

There are so many things I loved about our stay in Finland. 

The walking and biking paths in Espoo and Helsinki. The swimming beach in Espoo. Salmon soup. Fazer. Long evenings with lingering light past 11pm. 

There were a couple of things I did not enjoy. The hot weather. Windows that you could barely open - so no ventilation inside our top floor apartment that got baked in the sun all day long. 

I am not sure how to feel about people being very direct in letting you know you were doing something wrong. I thought I missed that... But it sometimes made me feel defensive. Will write more about that later. 

In the photo: kids picked black and red currants, gooseberries, cherries, and blueberries. 

Almost Travel Time

We are flying to Helsinki tomorrow evening!

We are mostly packed. We have an approximate plan of what we want to do.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to do before the trip but I don't think I can squeeze them in.

I guess it can all wait until I come back...

Goals for the trip:

• Explore new places
• Eat lots of delicious food
• Go on a lot of walks
• Visit at least 3 castles
• Go to a at least 1 art museum
• See friends
• Connect with husband and kids
• Pick berries
• Touch the Baltic Sea
• If the water is not frigid, swim in the Baltic Sea
• Visit my hometown in Latvia
• Go on at least 1 date with my husband, without the kids
• Walk around city at night
• Watch sunset on the Baltic 

This may very well be once-in-a-lifetime thing... considering the political situation and general unpredictability of life.

Any advice for maintaining balance and having an eventful and relaxing trip all at the same time? Is it possible to combine adventurous and restful? Maybe not at the same time, but as long as we have some of both....

Serendipity

This week, H is a counselor-in-training, or CIT, at an outdoorsy historic farm camp nearby. C is doing tennis and board games combination camp through the school district. Even though both camps start at 9, H has to arrive early to set up, about 8:30. So, I thought it would work out all nice and peachy: drop H off then a quick drive to the high school where C has her camp. Except the most direct route is now closed for roadwork. So around and around we go, detouring through the park and a neighboring township. 

It really isn't too bad. Maybe 10 minutes longer, all in all. But at first, I still felt a deep annoyance at the universe for throwing this wrench into my perfect drop-off plan. Except on Day 2, after dropping H off, we stopped at a light and C noticed an antique shop we've never seen before. Because we don't usually drive that way. So we checked out the schedule and made a plan to go shopping. 

C said, wisely, that if it wasn't for the road closure, we would have never known it was there!

So... I guess the "deep thought" of the week is: you might think something is an inconvenience (like a detour!), but it actually may be an opportunity to experience something new.

Have you had any detours recently that brought you some place new, either literally or figuratively?

Time Conundrum

I feel very time-poor. I am not sure how that comes to be. I have only one job and I don't have to commute. I have 3 kids that are pretty independent. They've been making their own lunches and packing themselves up and getting ready for camp and/or work without any input from me. 

I drive them places (camp pick-up/drop-off, occasional dive practices, music lessons, and sometimes work or cross-country practices - although E has been biking most of the time) - but that can't account for the time sink-hole that seems to be taking over my life.

It's like I don't have time to cook! Or to read! And I always feel behind at work, and with cleaning, and forget gardening - those poor little plants have been left to fend for themselves. We haven't played any family board games or started any puzzles! We barely sit down for meals as a family.

I am not sure if I am just so disorganized... or if I am experiencing some weird time-related quantum phenomena.. or if some things are just taking longer than they should. Or maybe my brain capacity has diminished to dangerous levels and I am just not able to keep up with anything. Or maybe I am "loosing time" like a character in one of those thrillers, where nothing is as it seems and they are really going through a psychotic episode (I'd rather not...)

Today was like this:

Get up, get dressed, check news/email, make breakfast, eat breakfast (while reading a book for a couple of minutes), drive H+C to their camps*, work, have a snack, work, eat lunch and chat with E (he made ramen and I cut up a tomato), work, throw towels into the dryer, make a phone call, pick up H+C, work, take H to dive practice (pick up a few things at the store while waiting for her), drive home, help C with cello, eat dinner, work, watch Schitt's Creek, shop for gifts and necessities on-line, write blog.

Notice what didn't get done: no baking bread, no making beet soup, no gardening, no exercising, no games, no painting hallway, no work on the laundry room, no cleaning, no dishes.

*They are at 2 different camps this week, but the camps are nearby... However, there is road work, so the most direct route is closed, adding  at least 10 minutes to the drop off/pick up time.

Do you sometimes feel like time bandits are stealing chunks of your day?

Thursday Thoughts

I think I need to become a little more adventurous. I've been kind of doing the same things every week. I should take a few risks. Try something new. Get out of my comfort zone.

Active stuff:

• Kayaking? We do this on occasion at nearby lakes and streams, but maybe having some sort of organized kayaking excursion would be fun?
• Dancing? (Nah. Husband would not want to do this and I don't want to dance with random people)
• Sports classes or clubs? (Nah. Expensive. Also, hate sports + terrible at sports.)
• Hiking? (Love this, but already doing this - doesn't quite fall into the "take risks" category).

Cultural:

• More museums, more concerts, more time exploring nearby historic sites (YES! Need to do this)

Other:

• Spa? Sauna? I have never done much of these things.. maybe should give it a try? Not sure.
• Shopping? My daughters like going shopping and always beg me to take them places. I hate shopping (except for kitchen-stuff stores and IKEA). Perhaps we can do more of this?
• Gardening? (Maybe joining some sort of a club) - I don't love gardening but do like to be able to eat stuff we grow.
• Bee keeping? (Our neighbors set up a bee hive recently)

Adventure:

• Well, we are travelling to the Baltic region in a couple of weeks, so I suppose that counts.

As I am looking through these bullet points, I keep thinking - maybe instead of seeking out risks and new stuff, I should do more of what I already enjoy doing (but feel like there is never enough time). Like, an afternoon trip to Philly to visit a museum. Or an early morning hike on a weekday... 

What if I can manage to make the mundane stuff feel like an adventure? Like, try a brand-new recipe when making dinner.... or try some exotic laundry method... 

Did you have an adventure this week?

July Long Weekend Report + Messy Emotions

It was a busy weekend and a not-so-productive weekend at the same time. I mean, we got some stuff done... planted a few more tomatoes in the garden... weeded a bit... went shopping... but also things felt kind of "meh", like I could have done more if only I tried a little harder.

Friday: made a ton of salads, caught up on some work, and puttered around the house... My parents came over for a celebratory early dinner (but because of all the political crap, things just didn't feel all that celebratory). Still, had a wonderful time hanging out with my parents, chatting, and enjoying the food.

Also, had a ton of salads left for the rest of the weekend.

Also, took the kids to a nearby fireworks display. Somehow, our kids had never seen proper fireworks! They loved it. I cried.*

Saturday: went shopping with the girls because they needed sneakers and flip-flops. Bought a few things for the kitchen, including an adorable popsicle mold shaped like strawberries (C has been making popsicles daily!). Also bought 2 dresses for myself.

Also on Saturday: went to AAA to get foreign drivers permits with my husband. Stopped by Home Depot and bought stuff for painting our hallway.

Went to the neighborhood pool and had a picnic there with leftover hamburgers and salads from the day before. Kids had a blast (for once, there was almost no fighting) - the pool had a giant inflatable slide that they put in for the July 4th weekend. I brought a book that I never got around to reading - because I was too busy cooling off in the pool or laughing at the kids' antics.

Sunday: Went to Farmers Market and walked around town with C... realized that the Neal the Knife Sharpening Guy was there but I forgot to bring the knives. So after dropping off the produce and C, I took E to work - he works just a couple of blocks away from the Farmers Market. This time, I brought the knives and had them sharpened. 

And then there was the Linda Incident. This lady just cut in front of me in line when I was picking up the knives! I was so angry! It was as if I didn't exist. Stupid Linda. (I learned her name from Neal - he puts customers' names on packets with sharpened knives). I should have said something to her but I  was afraid to make a scene... Ugh, I should stop being so disgustingly polite to strangers.

And then C's friend came over, and there was pool, and cooking, and laundry, and watering the garden, and... I don't even know, the day just kind of ran away from me. 

Now we are half-way through the week - the girls have camp, E has running and work, and I have a few uninterrupted hours to get work done... But household stuff is still a mess (kids complain there is no food**, there is always the issue of "what's for dinner", the laundry room is a disaster zone, the hallway walls [dark brown] are depressing) - none of this is super urgent and all can be taken care of, I just need to do one thing at a time...

*I seem to have a lot of pent up emotions and end up having inappropriate reactions to random things... I start sobbing when watching sports... or horse racing (that's the worst!)... or fireworks... or when listening to emotional music... But I can't seem to be able to cry when I am actually upset, or sad, or at my kids' elementary school graduation events (although that's probably a good thing).

**There is always some food. Just maybe not the junk food that they crave.

Any plans for the upcoming weekend? 

Bad Mood

Crazy bad mood today.

Everything is just... not good.

And I feel especially annoyed because I feel like I have no choice about things... I didn't go to the pool, or for a walk, or read my book, or do anything remotely enjoyable - not because I didn't want to but because there were things outside my control. 

I feel like I messed up at work. Nothing terrible -  it was more like... failure to impress. I had a chance to do something and it just went "pfffft".

I want to throw things.

I wanted to throw a cast iron pan. But I didn't want to damage it. I like my cast iron pan. So I went outside and drop-kicked a small metal bowl a few times. That felt pretty good. 

I think I might take up knife throwing. Or, better yet, ax throwing.

[Went outside and threw a few knives. That felt surprisingly satisfying.]

[I know my husband has a few axes that he uses to chop wood. Perhaps I should give it a try.]

[I threw a few potatoes, too. That was fun. Planting a couple of those in my garden.]

I want to destroy things. 

When I was a kid, I sometimes would rip random pieces of paper apart.

What do you do when you feel like... well... destroying the world, shoving it into a garbage can, and kicking that garbage can as far as it will go?

Current July Happenings

Happy July 1!

We are back at home. The kids don't have anything going on this week, but having 3 big kids at home is so much easier than having 3 little kids at home. I can put my headphones on and get work done!

Good stuff: My oldest is perfectly content designing airplanes, taking apart tractors, and printing out random music for violin and then playing it (and also watching youtube videos... let's be honest here... ). The middle kid has been listening to audio books and planning our upcoming trip (and watching youtube videos). The youngest one has been reading, doing her summer work, and sneaking up to the older two to watch youtube videos with them.

They can make their own breakfast and lunch, they can clean up the dishes. They are supposed to help out around the house, but there hasn't been too much to clean recently. But that's about to change - there's mudroom and family room cleanup in the near future! 

Books: 

• E is listening to Michael Connelly's Bosch (not sure which book)
• H is listening to one of The Mysterious Benedict Society books (I think book 3?); she is also partially through Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt.
• C is reading the Percy Jackson series (she is on book 2).
• I am reading Turning to Stone by Marcia Bjornerud
• Husband is reading At Home by Bill Bryson

TV:

• The girls are watching Desperate Housewives
• E is watching Bosch
• Husband: nothing
• I started watching Etoile - I really like it! 
• Wouldn't it be nice to have a show that we could all watch together... Unfortunately, we are at a point of wildly divergent interests and ability to handle mature themes.

Videogames:

• E is playing The Witcher 3

What are your July plans and happenings?

Mini-Vacation

I have half a week off work while we are staying near the beach with family. 

The water has been so warm and calm! I still managed to get smacked by random waves and swallow and inhale a bunch of water (ocean and I have a complicated relationship) - but it has been a joy to swim and splash and laugh with kids. 

The kids and the rest of the family went to the boardwalk yesterday and I stayed back at the house. I meant to read on the porch but ended up daydreaming and ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. 

I am sitting on the porch right now. The sky is clear blue and, in a little while, we will head to the beach. I feel this undercurrent of anxiety that I should probably examine and resolve... But I think I'll just ignore it for a little bit longer. 

Goldilocks Zone

We are spending a week with my husband's family, in a rental that's walking distance from the beach. 

I plan to work some, read quite a bit, go on walks, and jump into the waves a few times. 

It's supposed to be a super hot week, so, hopefully, being near water will help. 

Speaking of extreme heat... I've been mentally compiling a list of things I would really like to have if we ever end up moving. 

• Summers should not get above 27°C or 81°F
• Low humidity in the summers, please
• Winters should last about 3 months, with temperatures consistently below freezing. But not below -15°C for more than a day or two. 
• There should be a mix of sunny and overcast days year round. 
• Snow and frozen lakes and streams in the winter - but not during spring
• Spring and fall that last about 2 months each
•  Ocean or sea should be within a short drive
• Also a short drive to the mountains
• No earthquakes or hurricanes. 
• No tornadoes
• Walking distance to a library or a bookstore
• Walking distance to a bakery that makes real bread daily
• Biking and hiking trails close by
• Close to symphony and museums
• A shaded garden where I could read a good book in peace and quiet - and have conversations with friends over tea & coffee (and bread and cheese)

if you could live anywhere in the world - where would it be and why?

Turtles and Groundhogs All the Way Down

Box turtle that I nearly stepped on in our back yard. Isn't it adorable? (we had a photoshoot in our kitchen; the turtle was then returned to it's original spot and proceeded to move across our yard; no idea what it was after but it was clearly annoyed about the interruption)

A couple of months ago, we trapped and relocated a groundhog that has made our garden it's own private dining room.

Well, it looks like we've got a new tenant.

My kids didn't capture it on the camera, but it seemed like there was some collaborative effort going on between a squirrel and this groundhog. The squirrel was shaking down our nectarine tree and the groundhog was picking up the (unripe) nectarines and munching on them.

When I went out to shoo them away, they both ran to a nearby stump and gave me a-look-over-the-shoulder (and then proceeded unhurriedly into the neighbor's yard).

I told my husband about the groundhog/squirrel BFF situation and the look of disgust they gave me. He didn't  believe it:  "What, like Disney?" 

The kids backed me up. Ha.