First Day of School

 Today is the first day of school. I have 2 middle schoolers (6th and 7th grades) and a 2nd grader. It is mind-boggling. We were talking about this with the kids on the way to the school bus stop and reminiscing about all the things they used to do (play games, read books) while waiting for the bus pretty much on the same spot for the last... wait, how many years? 

There was a time, not so long ago, when the youngest was still in the stroller during the walk to the bus stop… She would get so excited about seeing the bus, she would be nearly jumping out of her seat. Has it really been 8 years since then? It feels just like a blink of an eye.

I feel like if I dare blink again, they’ll be graduating from high school…

Anyway, the kids look amazing. They are so excited to go back to school.

In other news: the weekend was good if a bit discombobulated. On Saturday, my husband’s parents came for a visit. There was cleaning, cooking, and… I don’t know what else. I’ve been so tired I could barely participate in any sort of conversation. I added too much garlic to the beet salad. The pineapple upside-down cake turned out rather flat (but at least edible). Clearly, I need to get more sleep.

On Sunday, we did our usual Farmers Market run, then made lunch, then puttered around the house (husband was sanding and re-finishing outdoor furniture). The kids played outside for a while with some new neighbourhood friends (we have new neighbors with young kids right next door and also across the street). It got hot in the afternoon and husband took the kids to the pool. In the evening, we watched “Spirited Away”. It was even better than I remembered!

And now... it feels weird that it is so quiet and no one is running into my attic study to ask questions every 5 minutes. I should be working, but I feel too hyper to be able to focus on anything.

Transitions

This August has been full of transitions. We came back from a beach vacation with extended family, then kids went to stay for a few days with their grandparents. They had a blast and then they came back home, to mom and dad working full time, to chores, to not being entertained 24/7… And we are all having a hard time. Husband and I are having a hard time because we are being interrupted every 5 minutes. Kids are having a hard time because we are asking them to do schoolwork, chores, and we are not spending as much time with them as they would like. We are working on re-setting the routines and expectations (for everyone). 

Transitions are the worst. Once we get settled into a routine, things are good. Kids know what to expect, I know what to expect, I feel more “in control” and less frazzled.

Next week, we have yet another transition: kids are going back to school. I need to prepare myself that the first few weeks may be rough. Also, the uncertainty around covid-19 adds a whole new dimension to stress and anxiety….

Feeling Frazzled

I have been feeling tired, stressed, frazzled, and grumpy.

All because of, in equal parts, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough R&R, too much anxiety about the school year, too much anxiety about everything else, and WORK.

Sleep and exercise: I am trying. I will try harder.

R&R: I need time to recharge. I need to go on solo hikes, read fun books, and daydream. I haven’t been able to do any of that in the last couple of weeks. It’s been a mish-mash of work, getting things ready for school, work, supervising kids, quick runs to the neighborhood pool, work, cooking, work, taking kids to school-related activities, work, work, driving somewhere to pick up last-minute presents, school supplies, or food items.

Anxiety: got to live with it… Sleep and exercise may help. R&R will also help. 

Work: I like working. I like my job. It is mentally challenging and I get to learn about stuff I normally wouldn’t think about. I also really like getting paid. But I do not enjoy high-pressure projects with unreasonable deadlines, one after another… I do not enjoy feeling overworked and frazzled. We do not have enough people for the amount of work we are getting. The results will not be optimal. Also, more people may quit (because they are overworked!) and that will make things even worse…

I feel a very strong need to go into a forest and just wonder around, aimlessly, for a long while. Or into a desert. Mountains would be great, too. But forest is the closest. 

Dear Reader: what's your favorite way to re-charge and how do you get rid of that grumpy feeling of being super annoyed with everything and everyone?

Weekend Report

• We visited friends and had an outdoor dinner at their place. Kids had fun playing together with their friends! We had some good conversations among the grown-ups.

• We went to the Farmer’s Market and got some amazing local produce (sweet peppers are unbelievable – so full of flavour!)

• We cleaned the dining room floor and moved part of a new desk we recently acquired for free (it’s pretty old – like early 20th century, I think, and needs a bit of help).

• We watched 2 movies with kids! Rear Window (the old one, with Jimmy Stewart) and Les Choristes (with English subtitles). Kids and I really enjoyed both and my husband sort of drifted in and out but was mostly there for the Rear Window. He is not big on foreign films with subtitles.

I remember the first time I watched Les Choristes with friends from the lab – Chicago film festival, back in the early 2000’s. One of the friends was originally from France, and she ended up sending me the CD of the soundtrack. My kids love listening to that CD!

• We did a few load of laundry, baked bread, made cabbage soup and meat loaf that should last us at least part of the week.

• We took kids to the pool Friday afternoon and then had sushi takeout dinner (our kids have been begging for sushi for weeks!).

• I made “Dutch baby” for Saturday morning breakfast and sour dough pancakes on Sunday. 

• My husband and son went on a 3 mile run around the neighborhood.

• Other chores included sporadic dusting and a tiny bit of tidying up.

• The kids and I started reading “Unplugged” by Gordon Korman. So far, we love it and it is so much fun to read it aloud!

I don’t know if I love it quite as much as “Unteachables” or “Schooled”, but we’ll see! We only read the first couple of chapters.

• Our middle daughter cut my husband’s hair (while I was away buying food). He says he is happy with the outcome.

• Then, she attempted to cut her big brother’s hair. I am not sure exactly what happened there (I believe they fought for control of the buzzer?) but he now has some spectacular bold spots on the back of his head. Just in time for the beginning of the school year next week!

• There was a lot of screaming (my screaming, mostly) when I returned from the store.

• Yes, hair grows back… but I really want my kids to look NICE when they go back to in-person school, first time since March 2019!!!!!

• We may have to make a trip to a fancy hair salon in the near future…

Anxiety

 There is always something to fret about:

Covid, or the new school year, or a new lump, or my kids' health.

There is always something to stress about:

A work-related project, whether my kid will get into high-level math, auditions, job interviews...

It's like there is a box that exists in my mind - the worry box - and it is never empty. As some things get resolved, new fears and anxieties come to fill it. It doesn't matter how good or how bad things get - the box stays about the same size (well, maybe expanding and contracting slightly). There is only so much room for anxiety, but there is always at least some room for anxiety.

At the beginning of the pandemic I was totally and completely freaking out about food. I was so worried that we will be in a situation when food will need to be rationed or that we will run out of essentials (flour! salt!) that I couldn't sleep.

I am pretty calm about grocery shopping these days (we are stocked up on flour and salt!), but now I am really worried about math in middle school (we have an upcoming meeting with the principal this week).

A couple of weeks ago, I wasn't worried about math, but I worried about a new lump.

Last week, when the kids were staying with the grandparents, my husband and I had the house to ourselves and could work to our hearts content. No interruptions! No stress - right?

Wrong! Thursday night, I had a near-meltdown because of a work project. True, the client is challenging and the deadlines are tight - but that wasn't anything new, that's been going on for the last few weeks! So all of a sudden, in the absence of stress and anxiety due to managing 3 kids while working full time, I had all this empty space in the worry box - so it got filled with the "next available representative".

That stupid worry box - it's like I can't function without a certain level of anxiety; if there is nothing obvious to worry about, I'll make it out of nothing.

Good thing: there are only a couple of things I can worry about at any given time... Once the "worry box" is at capacity, I can't be bothered with any additional anxieties... they'll just have to wait a week or two until there is space available... 

Revelations and Aliens Under the Bed

 Tomorrow, we will be driving to my in-laws to pick up the kids. All 3 have been at "Camp Grandma and Grandpa" since Monday evening.

In the absence of kids, there have been a few surprising and not-so-surprising revelations:

• There are barely any dirty dishes
• There is barely any cooking - everything we make lasts forever!
• The fruit we bought last Sunday is still in the baskets
• Time flies 
• Work can take up all the available time 
• Working without interruptions is amazing.
• Having a conversation with my husband is amazing when we are not interrupted every 30 seconds.

• The space under our son's bed is like a... horror movie. I suspect that whenever he was supposed to be cleaning his room, he just shoved stuff under his bed. I accidentally discovered the alien's nest when I pulled out some old cardboard and socks (just kidding). 
• Our son's closet is probably also hosting some alien life forms (aka, it's a mess).
• I think we need to be better about enforcing the room-cleaning chores.
• Why did I look under the bed? Well, I simply had nothing better to do... Also, I was organizing some drawers and getting rid of some kid clothing that's too small (much easier to do when kids are not home).

I am really looking forward to hugging the kids. I don't miss them in the sense "I wish they were here right now" but I am very excited about hearing all about their week, their adventures, the books they've read... 

There were a couple of things I wanted to get done while the kids were away. I wanted to go through some of their toys in the attic and donate or throw out stuff that was either outgrown or broken.* Done! We got a couple of donations boxes ready to go out and 2 garbage bags full of broken things. 

I also wanted to clean up the attic that is my work space as well as the kids playroom. I am about 1/3 done.

Dear Reader, how do you spend your time when your kids are away and you, all of a sudden, don't have the usual 1001 must-do's (laundry, cooking, comforting, entertaining, etc, etc)? Are you afraid to be alone or is being alone the only time you are truly free?

*We kept a good amount of their favorite baby toys and books, both for sentimental reasons and because some day, I hope there will be some babies around our house again. Stuff that got donated were the things that were not touched in >3 years.

Breathing is Bad (warning: hand-waving and navel-gazing present)

Three of us are vaccinated. Our younger 2 kids are not eligible for a vaccine yet. Covid-19 cases are going up, up, up.

I have complicated feelings about sending the 2 unvaccinated kids to school this fall. We did all stay home for a year-and-a-half: virtual school, virtual work, and minimal social interaction with people outside our immediate family. We finally emerged from the cocoon in late June, with kids attending summer camps (mostly outdoors), family gatherings, outdoor mask-less playdates, and masked trips to the library. However, with the super-infectious delta strain on the loose and no pediatric vaccine in sight, is this August any different than last August, when we decided to have kids do all-virtual school?

I keep asking myself - am I sending the kids to school because I feel it is safer now than a year ago or am I sending the kids to school because I am tired of isolating them?

It is a little bit of both: the older (and most vulnerable) generation in our family is all vaccinated. My husband and I are vaccinated. Hopefully most teachers are (or will be) vaccinated. All the kids will be required to wear masks, at least in the near future. But also, yes, virtual school - I am kind of over it and the kids are definitely over it (they did well last year but it is just not sustainable for our family in the long-term). Also, this year, virtual school is done by some sort of contract organization (Ednemtum?) that doesn't look great.

I am more or less resigned to the fact that our kids will get covid this fall or winter (even with mask requirements). I'd much rather that they get the immunity from the vaccine, but... Right now, delta strain is very contagious but not super deadly for most kids (relatively speaking). Could there emerge another strain that IS more deadly to younger people? In the absence of a vaccine, I'd rather our kids contract the current version than something even more virulent.

And yes, if (when?) our kids get covid, we will isolate and quarantine and do everything possible to avoid spreading it to others.

There are terrible risks associated with covid (long-term organ damage, including brain damage, is terrifying). But there are terrible risks associated with so many other things that go along with the pandemic: anxiety, insomnia, social isolation. 

Long time ago, I was complaining to my father about long-term effects of pesticides. He sort of rolled his eyes and said: "Pesticides-shmesticides! Natasha, breathing is very bad for you. Just think about all the chemicals, smoke, pollutants you are inhaling with every breath."

I love my father.

Yes, pesticides are bad. We should definitely avoid them, if possible. But it's not useful to constantly agonize and obsess about it - because he is right, the very air we breath can kill us. So what's the option there- stop breathing? stop eating? wear a gas mask at all times? 

Trying to stay safe and healthy: yes, please. But everything can be taken to absurdity... 

Dear Reader: what do you consider reasonable precautions and what would be absurd? Doesn't have to be covid, let's say... lyme disease! To avoid lyme disease (btw, no vaccine available! and long-term effects can be devastating), would you a) never go outside; b) check for ticks every evening; c) something else?

Back at Home

I love coming back home. Everything is so comfortable and familiar. And quiet (relatively).

We had a good week at the beach with the extended family. There were some squabbles between our kids at the very end, mostly because everyone became moody and difficult when they were tired and not feeling 100%. There was lots of staying up late with the cousins (which was OK for the 11 and 12-year-olds but more difficult for the 7-year-old). There was a cold going around (not Covid). 

There was wave-jumping in the ocean, lots of boogie-boarding fun, and a ton of “hunting” for seashells, crabs, and other life forms. Everyone got knocked over (by the waves) and sucked in lots of salty water – but then got back up and back to fun. There were almost no kid emergencies (none that were ocean-related). 

There were 8 kids all together – and it was great to see all the cousins bonding. My husband and I were able to go on walks while the kids watched movies. We all went on bike rides. There was some cooking and cleaning – but nothing overwhelming (because all 8 adults and older kids could all help as needed).

Later today, we will be taking all 3 kids to “Camp Grandma and Grandpa” – they will be staying with the grandparents for the rest of the week. Kids are super excited (in addition to hanging out with grandparents and great-grandparents, they’ll also be able to visit with their cousins).

I am not sure what I will be doing with myself while the kids are away… Wondering around the house aimlessly? Weeding the garden? Cleaning out the laundry room? Reading?