Music

Our son and my mom had a recital a few days ago. E (violin) has been learning Vitali's Chaconne for months. They have been working on the piece together for weeks. The performance was amazing - it felt like being at a professional concert! My mom is, in fact,  a professional musician - and I love to hear her play. My son really pulled it together and there were parts that gave me goosebumps and took my breath away. 

In November, my mom had a recital for her piano students - which includes our middle kid. Mom and H played a Concerto Romantique by C. Rollin, on two grand pianos - so much fun!

I realize that we kind of take my mom for granted. She is doing this amazing thing with my kids and music. I can't do it - I will never be able to do it for either my children or grandchildren. I took piano lessons at a music school when I was a kid, and I do love playing the piano, and it brings me so much joy - but I am just not anywhere near the level that she is at :) And that's fine - but also a bit sad.

It also makes me want to go practice the piano - and maybe there is a piece my mom and I can work on together!

Music makes me happy. 

December Weather Change is Needed

It's December. 

It's raining outside and in the high 50's (Fahrenheit). Seriously?

I do not like this one bit. 

It's December! How about some snow? And sub-zero (Celsius) temperatures? That nice feeling when you step outside and the air is "biting" your cheeks? I want that!

Kids are not helping around the house - unless we spend a ridiculous amount of time and effort getting them to help out. Something needs to change. They are 15, 13, and 9. They are capable on taking on more responsibilities.

• Unloading dishes*
• Clean up table and kitchen after dinner
• Keep their rooms clean!
• Vacuum other parts of the house*
• Wipe bathroom sink
• Take out garbage
• Change bedsheets (on their beds)*
• Fold laundry*
• Help with yard up-keep*
• Take care of the cat (feeding, litter box, etc)*

*They have been doing some of these chores  - but we've all been busy, and I've been lax about enforcing chores, and the kids have been doing close to nothing. Because if we don't make them - they never volunteer to help.

I know that when we bring this up and ask kids to help out more, our middle kid is going to scream and kick and tell us that we are the parents and it's our responsibility to take care of the kids (including clean up, cooking, laundry, etc). We are going to have to deal with that - but I am not looking forward to it.

Our kids are generally good and like to be helpful. We just need to reset expectations and somehow get them to cooperate with the plan... 

46 and Other Matters

 I turned 46 a few days ago. It was a nice low-key birthday. My husband got us Vietnamese food for dinner. H made swiss roll (chocolate! with sour cream icing! my favorite!). C brought me a snack - nicely cut up fruit - while I was working. I got lots of hugs. H also got me a bar of nice-smelling soap. 

I feel very fortunate to be 46. I can walk, hike, bike, and enjoy nature. I get to spend lots of time with kids. I sleep at night. I have a good job but I am also confident that if that job suddenly disappears, I will not be destitute. I have options.

Totally unrelated to my birthday. We've got moths. So annoying! We've been setting up traps but so far - no luck in getting rid of them. The things flutter around the room, but seem to completely ignore the supposedly pheromone-laced glue. Mutant moths? Will they be completely taking over our house?

Also totally unrelated to my birthday. Vlad the cat has been completely lax in his job as the terminator. He is supposed to be a predator, a killing machine. We've got mice, people! Mice that raided my sufganiyot (doughnuts). We ended up setting mouse traps.

Is there a pest that you will absolutely not tolerate and will go to any lengths to kill? For me, I am perfectly happy to co-habit with spiders, millipedes, and walking sticks. The one thing I can not stand - cockroaches...

Birthday Present

Expectations vs reality and needs vs wants.

I had this image in my head, that on my birthday, I would be able to take 15-20 minutes to myself to sit down and do some writing while the kids were getting ready for school. And maybe even read a few pages of a book while eating breakfast!

This didn't happen. 

Those minutes that I was looking forward to got obliterated by cleaning up dishes, making bed, brushing teeth, showing my youngest kid how to crochet (she got up half an hour early to do it), and tidying up random objects. Not a big deal, really - but I got irritated because I didn't get what I wanted (writing time!).

I realize that the expectation of having a chunk of uninterrupted time (even if it's just 15 min) first thing in the morning is a bit unrealistic at this point. Because kids want to chat while eating breakfast, or they need some last-minute signature, or something needs to be cleaned up... Or like today - there were a few small random tasks that really only took a minute or two each - and those things really did have to be done first thing so that....

So that as soon as I got C on the bus, I could go for a short hike at the park before starting work.

That was my present to myself - a solo hike through the trails before starting work.

It was just below freezing, so the trails were reasonably solid. Was it a perfect winter day? Well, it was sunny, and there was no wind... but how I wished there was snow on the ground and on the tree branches!!! 

When there is a disconnect between expectations and reality, I tend to get grouchy. 

Obviously, it is completely unreasonable to expect the weather to cooperate and give me exactly what I want when I want it. It is also pointless to get impatient with kids because they dawdle, or leave their dishes sitting around, or don't get their school things ready... (And yet, I do get irritated and grumpy instead of setting up my morning with the expectation that at least some of the kids will dawdle, read instead of getting dressed, forget to brush their hair and/or teeth, or complain that they have nothing to wear).

I want to go hiking on a snowy trail. But what I truly needed was a walk in nature - and I got that and I am all better now!

I want to have calm happy mornings - I am yet to figure out how to achieve that. But what I (and our family) need is reasonably nutritious food and a chance to connect and hug before we all run our separate ways.

Life Goals

I haven't thought about life goals in a long time. 

Yesterday, I was reading an article in the New Yorker about motivational speakers and life coaches. I never thought that it was a multi-billion industry. I thought of it as a niche thing - like self-help books. (I am not a huge fan of self-help books).

It seems that one of the reasons people are drawn to this is because they want to make money, drive fancy cars, own jets - that's what success means to them ("Do like me and you'll be rich like me" angle that some in the industry sell). This does not resonate at all. 

But there were a few things in that article that made me pause and think .

• If the goal is not scary enough it means it's not big enough.
• Do a challenge that is hard - that forces you to overcome something, that pushes you to try something uncomfortable.
• "Happy" may not be enough. Reading books and eating chocolate makes me happy, at least in the short-term. But I don't think that my aspirations should be limited to "read and have chocolate".

Do you set big goals? Have you ever challenged yourself to overcome something - and succeeded? How did that feel?

Little Black Suitcase Next to the Door

 After Stalin's death, there was a wave of antisemitism across the USSR. Because, according to state media, there was a conspiracy among doctors (most with Jewish last names) who wanted the death of the "dear leader."

It may sound ridiculous now - a joke - a laugh. 

It wasn't funny for my family, particularly those who happened to be Jewish doctors.

My great-uncle, Alexander Maizel (aka, dydya Sasha, or uncle Sasha) told me stories when we visited them in Moscow in the 90's.

During The War (WWII) he was a military doctor (that's how he met my grandmother's sister - she was a nurse at the field hospital). After the war, they settled down in Moscow because dydya Sasha had family there. He continued to practice medicine. He was also involved in research (Influenza-related, if I remember correctly). He spoke highly of Marshal Zhukov. In the 90's, he spoke disparagingly about many Soviet officials who made decisions during The War that resulted in staggering loss of life.

After Stalin's death, he had a black satchel packed and ready to go, sitting next to their door. He expected he could be arrested at any time. Not because he has done anything wrong, but because he was a doctor and he happened to be Jewish. 

Dydya Sasha is long gone. Somehow, of all the stories he told me, what stuck the most was that Marshal Zhukov had a dog and the story of the black satchel packed for the expected arrest. As far as I am aware, he was never arrested. The black satchel was "just-in-case" - packed with the hope that it would never be needed. Sort of like taking an umbrella with you to "scare away" the rain.

Do you have something like that? Something that you always have at the ready but hope you will never need?

Little Black Suitcase Next to the Door*

 I am angry. And sad. And heartbroken. And angry.

Angry to the point that I can't talk about things - because I begin to cry. Because for some weird, unfortunate, uncomfortable reason - my anger is directly wired to my tears.

Sometimes I wish my "angry" could be more productive. Or destructive. Or more normal - like linked to aggression, or something.

I haven't been to Russia since I was a teenager. I knew we couldn't live in Russia. I knew I couldn't live in Russia. I knew I didn't want to raise children in Russia. Because there was always this -sometimes unspoken- thing with antisemitism. It  was part of things. Inescapable. Part of the fabric of the society. No, of course not everyone in Russia was like that - many (most?) people were wonderful, kind, and sane. But it was always there, sometimes in the background, sometimes in the foreground, and that was something you just lived with. And I didn't want my kids to live with it - I didn't want them feeling like they had to prove something, like they had to prove they were good human beings even though the were Jewish. I went through that - it didn't go well. I finally had an epiphany at a tender age of 15 that the world was a broken place, and it wasn't my job to fix it, it wasn't my job to convince everyone around me that Jews were a good people, that we did not kill Stalin, or Lenin, or the Tsar, or were to blame for Communism, or were the cause of Capitalism, etc, etc. People would believe what they would - it wasn't my job to fix them. 

My kids have to deal with it. Now. Today. They are dealing with it at school. It is bad. I hate it. It makes me mad. No, of course not everyone at school is antisemitic. Many (most) people are not. But there are enough who make cruel remarks and antisemitic jokes. 

We emigrated because we wanted to live normal lives, quiet lives, without prejudice. We didn't want to be singled out. We were tired of being targets of hate whenever there were political and economical upheavals.

What irony - this is happening, again, here, now. I am so angry that my children have to deal with it. I am so angry that being Jewish is again somehow made to be bad or shameful. Something to be hidden. Something to not be mentioned. My husband hid our menorahs when there were people in our house installing the new heating system. I haven't had the heart to ask him why.

I am so angry. I want to cry all the time.

I wish I could just ignore the world - not read the news - not hear what people are saying. But I can't afford ignorance.

I will pack an emergency bag. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, change of clothing, a small towel. Cash. My husband and I have passports at hand. I will start the process of getting passports for our kids.

Not because I actually expect we'll be rounded up - like my family was all those years ago in Starobin. But because it makes me feel better to have some sort of emergency plan at hand. I can't afford to be "la-la-la, I am sure it will all be wonderful." We know better than that. 

G-d willing, we'll never need it. 

But if we do. I will not go quietly.

*That's a story for another time

November

And just like that...

Leaves are down. Squirrels are chasing each other through the fallen leaves. Our son has his first concert with the local youth orchestra on Sunday. The first marking period ends Friday. 

Work is insanity to the power of 100. I am flying to Texas next week as part of a team aiming to bring in new business. I am a writer - not a strategist, not a sales person, not a shmoozer. I don't feel like this is the best use of my skills. That said - the experience is definitely interesting. Stressful, too.

So, all my regular work got pushed aside to make room for the "pitch" thing. 

I am annoyed at one of my kids because he a) did not do his chores even though he had a day off on Tuesday and could have gotten so much done, b) he is behind on homework even though he had a day off on Tuesday, c) he had a day off on Tuesday and pretty much did nothing. OK, that's not fair - he actually made supper for everyone on Tuesday. And I do understand the need to just relax and not do anything for a day.

I am going to go help our youngest kid practice cello - she started taking lessons a couple of months ago. And then maybe I'll get to read a book. And then maybe I'll get to sleep.

Weekend Report (Brief)

• Cross Country race #1 for our oldest.
• Husband went to get new strings for violin.
• Husband was working on putting together new furniture for mud room
• Trying new recipe: summer squash bake (delicious! lots of butter!)
• Costco (was meant as a quick stop on the way home from E's meet, but ended up, as usual, taking a while and loading up on some good food.
• Farmers Market (apples and peaches are amazing!)
• Figs are ripening on our tree - so delicious
• Picking tomatoes and cucumbers from our garden. And beans, too.
• Russian store (to stock up on pickled herring, pickled cabbage, candy from my childhood, jams, bread).
• Stopped by an Uzbek bakery - got some delicious bread.
• Dinner at a Georgian restaurant to celebrate my dad's birthday.

Reading: The Dissident

Watching: The Undoing

A Tiny Bit Overwhelmed

This week is insane. It is, in theory, a short week - we had Monday off. But it feels like it's been going on forever! There is so much going on: all kids starting school, E starting in his youth orchestra, 2 back-to-school nights at 2 different schools, on-going cross country practices and meets, soccer games starting on Saturday... 

It's all good stuff, but it's a lot of good stuff... 

And then there are all the birthdays and holidays. Today is my dad's birthday - we are celebrating on Sunday by taking my parents to a Georgian restaurant (so at least that's organized and ready to go - but now I'm having anxiety that the restaurant has lost our reservation). E's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks - we haven't planned anything yet (note to self: plan things this weekend). And Rosh Hashanah (and I should invite my parents over for dinner). And then Yom Kippur. 

Just taking deep breaths.

Everything will collapse into place.

All good stuff.

First Day of School (Mostly)

Two of our 3 kids are back to school today! The 9th grader has his first day of high school! The 4th grader has her first day back to the elementary school. The 8th grader will start tomorrow. 

They were excited. They were a bit nervous. The high school bus comes at 6:35am - that's early!!!

So yes, 3 kids, 3 different buses, 3 different schools.... It may be that it will be a while before we all have breakfast together.... Husband and I had breakfast with the oldest. I hung out with the youngest while she had her breakfast (her bus comes at 8:15). The middle child ate alone after I started working.

Actually, now that I think about it, with all the different schedules and activities, having meals together is going to require planning...

Worry

I have a tendency to worry. It's a family tradition, you could say.

As a kid, I worried that my parents would worry. I also worried about my parents. I hated it if they were late getting home. There were no cell phones back then (so last century, I know). In the 90's, when we lived in Latvia, we didn't have any phone at all - so there was no way to get in touch and let someone know if you you missed a bus or if were just catching up with a friend and lost track of time.

In Latvia, when I was a teenager, it was jut my mom and me. Dad was, for the most part, with his parents in Belarus (there were weird residency and visa issues that resulted in forced separation for my parents). I remember waiting for her to come home from work in the evenings. Our kitchen window on the 4th floor looked out on the road that lead to the bus stop. I could see, once the bus arrived from the nearby town, a gaggle of people walking purposefully down the street. When my mother wasn't among them, I would begin to worry and pace. Back and forth, kitchen window to the opposite room window. Where was she - chatting with friends? Missed the bus? Or maybe she was hurt, or ill, or something even worse.

The mind wonders to dark places. 

I remind myself that "bad news travel fast" - my fathers' words. If something is truly wrong, I would already know.

I keep telling myself - she is probably just late, she probably missed the bus, she probably ran into a friend and chatting merrily, and will be home on the next bus.

I would get mad - and think to myself about all the angry words I would throw at her when she finally does come home. How dare she make me so worried?

I would get scared, and think to myself - "G-d, please, just let her come home safe. I will not scold her, I will just be so thankful to have her home, safe."

Because I knew how awful, how powerless it made me feel - to worry about someone, I did my best to be on time, to come home when I promised, to not make my parents go through the worry.

Of course they still worried, plenty of times. Probably about stuff that I thought was trivial, about situations that I did not feel warranted any worry at all.

When I moved away to college, it felt amazing to have the freedom where I didn't have to worry about someone waiting for me at home, worried. Does that make sense?

Freedom

We live in a suburb but very close to a small town. The town is cute, very pedestrian-friendly, and, in general, is a good place for teens. If only there were sidewalks going into town... or bike lanes... Our kids are completely dependent on us driving them into town. They can't go to an ice cream place, buy a treat, or meet up with friends in town without help from parents.

Or so we thought.

Our 14 (almost 15) year old has figured out a relatively safe way to bike into town. It involves riding on residential side streets, getting across a stream to the middle school property, then crossing over a very busy road (but there is a light) into a park, then crossing over that same busy road again at a different light a little farther down to get to the start of a sidewalk, then riding along the busy road but on a sidewalk, then getting on smaller side roads going into town.

Before you yell at me - I know you are not supposed to ride your bike on a sidewalk. But it would not be safe riding a bike along that busy road I mentioned. Sidewalk is only marginally safer, but still... And it is almost never that people actually walk in that section of the sidewalk (it starts, rather abruptly, near a merge with a major highway).

I was nervous and I made him promise that he would call, or text, as soon as he got to his friend's house.

He didn't.

For about 30 min, I was a nervous wreck. Then I finally called his friend's mom - sounding, I am sure, absolutely frantic. 

He got there just fine, he was playing baseball with friends.

I was so mad.

I was so glad that he was OK.

He eventually did call (hours later), and he felt pretty bad that he forgot to let me know he got to town safe and sound.

I am glad that there is a way my kids can experience independence and responsibility.

My son will not be biking into town in the next week or two - as a consequence of him NOT being responsible and NOT calling when he was supposed to.

But after this mini time-out... I am going to be thrilled if he does it on a regular basis (and calls me as soon as he gets there). Because he should have this freedom: to plan things, to feel independent, to be growing up. 

The funny thing was - I asked him if he had a good time... It was OK - it was good to see his friends, but it wasn't great because baseball was not particularly fun. I get a feeling that actually the process of getting into town was more fun than being in town with his friends.

End of Summer

Our daughter had her Bat Mitzvah last Saturday.

She did a fantastic job - she was poised, confident, and mature. I am so proud of her. I am so happy that the family, friends, and congregation were able to support her.

We try to stay as laid-back as possible when it comes to events and celebrations - because it's too easy to get stressed out over little things and miss the important stuff. It's good when people come together and celebrate life. 

And yet, I had to remind myself, multiple times - there is no Bat Mitzvah police (BMP). The food is not fancy enough? One of my kids' hair is a bit on the wild side? Ah well, it's not like the BMP is going to come after us. X, y, and z were not perfect? Good thing there is no BMP. 

We all had fun. There was dancing. There were games. And prizes. Honestly, I was very nervous about the games - I am not good at organizing people and telling them what to do. I should not have worried. Our 13-year old daughter organized and lead the games - and oh boy, she is good at getting people to do things!

Summer is wrapping up at a speed of light (300,000 km/s). We still  need to get a number of things for school (pencils! glue sticks! dry erasers!). Kids need some school-appropriate clothing (that's going to be a challenge... especially for the 9th grader who only wants to wear sports shorts and old t-shirts).

There are back-to-school activities coming up next week. I think we are actually going to skip everything except the high school open house. Because 1) that's the only one that's in the evening and 2) 4th and 8th graders already have a good feel for their schools and know how to find their way.

We are going to try and squeeze in a few more fun things.

 A trip to a new playground with friends.

A family bike ride.

A few more outings at the pool.

A trip to the bookstore.

A trip to the music store (to get saxophone fixed up and rent a cello for C)

And then the school starts.

Running

Our oldest wants to join high school cross country team. He started training a couple of week ago - these are optional training sessions run by their coach. Mandatory training is starting in earnest in mid-August. 

He seems to like it. 

Which is interesting because in some ways we are so much alike... but not when it comes to running.

Running was a normal part of childhood back in those days. Many kids, when they wanted to get from point A to point B, would just run in one happy pell-mell group. Not me - I just never could keep up. I honestly admitted this terrible shortcoming to my friends and neighbors - that I was a "slow runner", so that they wouldn't think I was not running along with them out of some misguided feeling of superiority. As it was, I did my best to avoid running whenever possible. 

It became more of an issue when we moved to Latvia when I was 13, where the school actually had gym classes and teachers. Gym classes were intense. We ran. We did high jumps. We did long jumps. We threw javelin. We threw dud grenades (yes, really). Your grade was based on how well you did on those tests - how high, how far, how fast. 

I routinely had a "C" equivalent in my report card for gym. It was a "C" only because the gym teacher felt bad for me - otherwise, it would have been an "F". I showed up, I did the drills, I practiced... I just never got better and never ran fast enough, jumped high or far enough to get a passing grade.

As traumatic and terrible as all that was... and let me tell you, being left behind is totally traumatic! For running practice, our gym teacher would take our class on a neighborhood run. Guess who couldn't keep up? The problem was, I was new in town, so after a few turns in and out residential neighborhoods and courtyards, I would fall completely behind and get completely lost. So I would end up wondering around random streets and mustering up the courage to ask someone for directions. It felt too mortifyingly embarrassing to ask "Where is the school?" So I opted for "Where is the hospital?" because I knew how to get from the hospital to the school (it was only like a block away). I still remember how to say it in Latvian: "Kur ir slimnica?"

Guess who was late for the next class?

So yes, so sad, so traumatic. But also - so cool! If it wasn't for those gym classes, I would have never tried any of those things. Did I hate gym class? Totally. But now, looking back, it was so cool that everyone had a chance to push themselves, to try something new... not just the kids on track & field teams.

I took a gym class in the 12th grade at the American high school. I got an A. Because it wasn't about achievements - it was all about putting in the work. I even enjoyed exercise for the first time in my life. I didn't have to take risks. I didn't feel uncomfortable or scared. I learned that I was able to run 20 minutes without stopping. 

I still dislike running and avoid it.

I do hope my kids get to try high jumps, long jumps, and javelin-throwing in school at some point even if they don't join track & field.

Air

According to AirNow.gov, the air pollution right now is at 270, "very unhealthy". It's an improvement from what it was last night and early this morning (>300, "hazardous" ). Fires in Canada are sending plumes of smoke our way, and because of weather patterns, our area is hit particularly hard.

I hope rain comes soon.

I hope the rain comes before the forests around here ignite because of extreme dryness, human carelessness, or out-of-our-control events (lightning). We already had a minor brush burn (luckily, it was brought under control) along the highway - probably because some jerk threw a cigarette stub out the window.

The temperature was beautiful (low 70's) this morning - perfect for a hike - but we can't enjoy the unusually cool weather because the air is just not good. 

Can't do: outdoor pool, hikes, kayaking, picnics, pick berries, play frisbee with kids.

Can do: stuff inside. Meh. 

I miss fresh air.

Airplanes, Military, and Nostalgia

On Sunday, I took my son and a couple of his friends to the WW2 airplane show. 

I fell in love with the Corsair. The pilot was clearly in love with it, too. There was such joy in his voice as he was talking us through all the maneuvers he was doing, flying loop after loop above the airfield.

The entire day, my head was full of memories and stories. WW2 - the Great Patriotic War - it had an enormous presence (a weight) for those growing up in the USSR. There was not a single family I knew that hadn't lost people to that war.

All those airplanes flying above, paratroopers jumping, with their parachutes opening up at equal intervals... It's funny how some things just trigger a memory, and then it's like a string that you keep pulling - more memories come out.

In the 80's, we lived near an airbase. There were planes in the sky all the time. I was a kid, and I wasn't particularly interested in airplanes (or weapons, or anything military-related) - but I remember that whenever we had guests, they were always a bit taken aback by all the noise from the planes. I was so used to it, I barely noticed.

One day, I was playing outside, and I noticed something funny in the sky - it took me a moment to realize these were parachutes! Soldiers were jumping out of a helicopter. It looked like white clouds being seeded in the sky at exactly equal intervals. The boys from my school got super-excited and ran off to the field where the soldiers were landing. I wasn't curious enough to join them (I may be regretting this now, all these years later... just a little bit...)

It's funny... so many year have passed - but the childhood, with all the wonder, disappointments, experiences, and adventures - some days, it feels like it's so close I could touch it. 

WW2 feels so recent - that was my grandparents' time. I heard so many stories - sad, happy, funny, heartbreaking - and they are all linked to my childhood in the USSR.

Down in the Grumps

I am in a mood.

Not a good one. 

How do you deal with bad moods?

Here is what doesn't work:

• Exercise (just makes me angrier)
• Count your blessings (just  makes me angrier)
• Take deep breaths (no change)
• Pet my cat (the evil thing runs away)
• Watch a movie (temporary relieve, but then it all comes back)

Here is what I'm going to try today:

• Chocolate
• Read a thriller for half an hour
• Go for a hike (if I can find the time)
• Play the piano (if I can find the time)
• Take deep breaths (because what the heck- it doesn't make anything worse... maybe if I do it long enough it'll make me feel better... or will make me pass out which would be somewhat of an improvement over my current state of mind)

Somewhat unrelated:  It's June 1 - International Children's Day (at least it used to be back in the USSR). Or perhaps not so unrelated because, in part, my bad mood is courtesy of one nearly-teenage child.

Shortcuts

I've been reading about life hacks on some of the blogs I regularly visit - they were fun to read but most don't seem particularly relevant to my daily life.

It got me thinking - do I have any cool shortcuts that help me be my most efficient self?

Nope. 

In fact, it seems that I am all about inefficiency. 

I take extra-long time to do everything. And that's OK! I am giving myself permission to take my time. It definitely results in doing less overall. It's not because it's better this way, it's not because I've discovered some "zen" secret to life, it's not like I find some extra meaning in being inefficient and spending extra time on mundane tasks.

This is just me, this is who I've always been (I believe "poky" is the word).

I started this post thinking I would write about a clever trick that can make your life easier... I am ending it with: I am sorry! No shortcuts here! I take the long way!

29

Yesterday was the 29th anniversary of our immigration to the Unites States.

Twenty nine years ago, we were exhausted, overwhelmed, and bewildered. Trying to find our way in a new country, trying to adjust, trying to survive.

Hot dogs - seriously? Who are these people?

Wonder Bread - ugh, what is it made of?

Random people waving at you and saying hi - omg, is there something on my face?    

Sour cream - why is it so solid and jelly-like? 

School - wow! so many people! from so many places! 

Streets of our town - why is no one walking in the streets? 

Streets of our town - cars actually stop for pedestrians! Amazing and unexpected! 

Twenty nine years in the US... My kids have been born here. I've come to love so many things (but not wonder bread, or doughnuts, or marshmallows) about living here. National and state parks! Basic life comforts (like, toilet paper in most public toilets... rest areas when you are driving....)! Career opportunities! My kids growing up as part of a local Jewish community! Quality dental and medical care (sky-high expensive, but definitely very, very good).

How would have things worked out if we were able to stay in Latvia in the 90's? Honestly, I don't wonder about that too much.

Theater

We all went to see "Red Riding Hood" at Arden Theater last weekend. It was everything I love: great storytelling without "dumbing down" for kids. Treating audience as intelligent human beings. Fantastic acting. Funny, sensitive, without taking itself too seriously. Arden is doing "The BFG" next year - I am excited (even though I am not a huge fan of Roald Dahl).

Our 14-year old is probably ready for some more grown-up plays... Will have to see what local theaters are doing.

What's your favorite way to experience stories (other than books)? Theater? Musicals? Movies? Opera?

Weekend Report: May Edition

It was a very, very busy weekend.

We spent most of Saturday in Philly. Our oldest was playing at the Kimmel Center with the Young Musician Orchestra. The concert was amazing. We also walked around the city quite a bit (in the rain... but it wasn't too bad), ate at a Greek place, had chocolate treats, fought (yes, family drama - can't live without it), and soaked it all in... So proud of our son. I keep re-watching our recording of the concert - still can't get my head around it.

After we got home, we all stayed up too late... the girls went to our neighbor's backyard for an outdoors movie night (they have a projector + screen). E., his best friend and I watched The Matrix.

Sunday, I had a quiet solitary morning (after a very filling breakfast made by husband and kids). I read, I went to the farmers market, and then I visited my parents (and brought fresh-picked strawberries). I came home with a pile of green onions (from dad), roses (from mom), and more onions for planting.

After a quick lunch, we all went to a local arboretum for a walk. The kids wanted to do their own independent thing, so we let them - and went on to explore all the blooming rhododendrons. The kids were fine but they did some things with a wagon* that will make me think 10 times before letting them be unsupervised in a park.

We had take-out dinner (Indian food), then watched Beetlejuice, then went to bed.

Somewhere along the way everyone managed to practice, we did laundry, and took care of some weeds.

*They did ask for permission to use that wagon - they were told to go ahead and borrow it as long as they bring it back (which they did). They did not break it and no one got hurt... but riding down the hill in a wagon - that's just such a bad idea. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Extra Heavy Load

My 7-th grader's backpack weighs almost as much as she does.

Seriously. This is insane. She has to sit down to put it on.

I am worried. 

No amount of discussion or logic reasoning have helped to convince her to unload the thing.

We argued, we fought, we tried to be as convincing as possible. There is no good reason (from parental perspective) why her backpack needs to have so much stuff - it's practically bursting at the seams. 

Here is what she throws back at us:

• Everyone else has a backpack as heavy as hers or even heavier.
• She can't leave anything at home - because she needs everything at school.
• She can't leave anything at school - because what if she needs something at home?
• There is no time to go to her locker. Therefore, even if she could leave something at school - she wouldn't do it.
• "It's my back and my health!"
• A substantial chunk of the weight is because she has to carry her chromebook with her at all times. (I don't think it weighs all that much... but convincing the 12-year old? Ha.)
• Her water bottle is heavy (really?)
• She has to carry her gym stuff with her (they have lockers! I don't know why she doesn't use them!)

I am tempted to:

1. Sabotage the backpack.
2. Sneak into her backpack at night, take stuff out, deal with consequences when she notices.
3. Hire someone to carry the backpack for her.

Here is what I probably should do:

1. Talk to pediatrician - see if they are more successful in making her see reason (and discussing potential harm of super-heavy backpacks).
2. Talk to other parents (not sure what good that would do, but couldn't hurt).
3. Keep talking to H and nagging about making the thing lighter/leaving stuff in her locker.
4. Replace her backpack with a smaller backpack that she wouldn't be able to shove as much stuff into.

Any advice???

Houseguest

We had a houseguest!

No, really, first time in forever - there was someone who stayed with us for a few days. 

We used to have a dedicated guest room but because a) no one ever stayed over and b) kids really wanted to have separate rooms, we ended up converting it to our youngest daughter's bedroom. So, for a while now, we've been using all our 4 bedrooms. 

We have a finished attic that does a double-duty as my study and a playroom. There is a futon that usually only gets used by my husband when I am sick and cough too much. There is a door. There are separate air conditioning and electric heating system. Plenty of outlets

The guest stayed all weekend, and the study/playroom was all his. It worked pretty well - he had a large private space. He was a very easy guest and did not complain about kids asking him a million questions, or food, or the attic space. 

The kids loved having this guest -  he is family that they've never met before, he is from Australia, and he  studied airspace engineering and physics. 

I've only met him once before, long time ago, when he was still a toddler. So it was definitely fun to get to know him and hear about the family branch that we never get to see.

Readers - where and how do you situate guests? Do you offer your bedroom, or move your kids around, or offer a living room couch, or have a dedicated guest room, or have some other setup where the guest can sleep?

Parenting Struggles

I am struggling with setting (and enforcing) clear screen rules for older kids. 

They have their school computers and I have no idea how in the world I am supposed to keep track when they are doing actual work versus when they are consuming ghastly quantities of YouTube Shorts. The 8th grader has a phone - and again, it's a struggle to know when he is using it to communicate (rarely) versus watch random stuff. Also, he is often in his room, with door closed, doing his own thing - how do I balance giving him privacy with making sure  he does not spend all his free time attached to screens? (Same with the 7th grader except she doesn't have a phone yet).

They are good kids and I trust them (mostly) but I feel, for the first time, like what I am doing is not enough. But I don't know what else to do.

When kids were younger (and this is still the case with our 9 year old) - it was much easier because they didn't have any devices. The played with toys, they read, and they had limited parent-supervised screen time on weekends (a movie, or husband's ancient Nintendo, or Minecraft on my computer).

How do I figure it out? How do I learn what's best for my kids - besides trial-and-error? 

There is such a range of parenting approaches - how to know what's right for our family?

I don't want to be super-controlling... but I don't want to be oblivious... and it seems like it's all too easy to be oblivious. With older kids, what they tell me about school and friends is only a small fraction of what actually happens and does not necessarily paint a true picture of their reality. 

I want to be aware of any problems (loneliness, toxic friends, drugs, bullying) - but it's not like they'll just sit down and tell me. The fact that they are not telling me about any problems in their lives may mean that they are happy and everything is fine... or it may mean they are just not telling me stuff.

May

And just like that - we are in May.

• It's been rainy and rather cool, but everything looks beautiful with bright greens and blooming plants everywhere. 
• The kids and I started watching season 3 of "His Dark Materials" last weekend. It's weird and entertaining and conversation-provoking.
• The school activities don't feel too out-of-control this year.
• Our oldest has a bunch of concerts coming up (one for school, one for local  youth orchestra, and one with his violin teacher's class). The girls have a piano recital in a couple of weeks.
• I believe 8th grade has some special stuff, like a dance, and maybe even a graduation ceremony - but - I don't really care. My son will go if he wants to go. No big deal. 
• There are a few more track & field meets - I want to go at least to 1 for each kid.
• Ah yes, there is one more thing that I need to do before the school year ends - Mystery Reader. I did it for the older kids - so much fun. I'll email C's teacher today. The time is running out...

Conference Notes 2

I got back yesterday. It's good to be home!

What I learned:

• Social skills can be improved with practice. When there is no practice, social skills (especially for me, conversation skills) become very, very rusty.
• I like people. I like getting to know people - where they went to school, what their hobbies are, what they are interested in.
• There are some people I don't particularly want to get to know.
• Silence is gold.
• When I feel awkward, people pick up on it.
• When I feel confident, people pick up on it.
• No one trusts AI.
• Making scientific and medical publications more accessible to patients (both in terms of actual access and in terms of using plain language) is empowering for patients.
• Plain language summaries provide language that can be used by doctors and nurses when they discuss complex medical situations with patients.
• There are no real shortcuts when doing gap analysis. It is still, mostly, brute force. 
• People like stories that they can connect to emotionally.

Conference Notes

Random thoughts from the conference. 

- overwhelming

- people everywhere

- my social skills are terrible

- people are very interesting

- honesty is over-rated

- lying is not the opposite of being honest

- silence is gold

Conference Angst

I am planning to go to a work conference in a few days. It has been a long, long time since I a) went anywhere on my own; b) attended a conference... I used to go to all types of science conference back in my grad school days (but that was different, and I was different, and the world was different). 

A couple of years ago, I attended a virtual conference - that was great! I didn't have to travel, or dress up, or talk to anyone.

And now - real-life conference, and I'll be required to look professional and have serious conversations with grownups.

This will probably be a good learning opportunity. I mean, publication planning - that's kind of part of what I do... sort of... A bunch of people from work are going, including Big Boss. 

I like writing. I don't like the business side of things or the strategic side of things. Or, G-d forbid, networking.

Can't I just hide under a table somewhere???

/Why or why did I agree to this???/

Goose Racket

Last week, my husband and I went for a brief lunchtime hike at a nearby park. We brought lunch with us, thinking we could find a shady spot next to the stream. 

Not so much for shade - the trees* haven't quite leafed in - but we did find an empty picnic table.

As soon as we set our stuff down on the table, a large goose (Canadian goose, to be specific) that has been snoozing nearby started to waddle over. It lowered it's head, opened it's mouth so that we could see the pink tongue, and started hissing. 

I live by paradigm that if you don't bother wildlife - they won't bother you. Not this time. We looked around to see if we were accidentally disturbing the goose's mate (it's egg-sitting time). Nope.

The thing just kept getting closer and closer, hissing non-stop.

It wouldn't leave us alone until we shared some carrots. Yeah, yeah, I know, no feeding wildlife and all that. But seriously, that goose had a racket thing going - if anyone wanted to use the table, they had to pay!

Goose Mafia.

*Speaking of trees - there were so many trees down on the trail! Ash, mostly. We have an ash tree growing right next to our house and we keep watching for signs of disease. Emerald ash borer has pretty much decimated ash trees in this area. We keep treating ours with insecticide - we'll see how it does.

To Do: Far Future

 I've got some ideas of what I may like to do once the kids are all grown up and have their own separate lives...

• Get a dog
• Get chickens
• Have a fabulous flower garden
• Have a fabulous vegetable garden
• Have a fabulous berry patch
• Make jams
• Travel to:
• Israel
• France
• Latvia
• Estonia
• Lithuania
• Norway
• Finland
• Sweden
• Travel by sleeper train (in a fancy sleeper car...)
• Read
• Make food to donate to shelters
• Volunteer - some sort of "tikkun olam" thing, like cleaning up parks, organizing clothing drives, helping HIAS

Then again - why wait? Maybe I can get started now... Kids can come along :)

Questions, questions...

I've been a bit "down in the dumps" lately. Feeling tired, irritable, and "meh" about everything.

We just came back from a spring break trip to Virginia. But it was like I was too tired and out of it to truly enjoy the time there...

My parents think we need to do "all inclusive" type vacation - where food is provided and no cleanup is required. I don't know... that sounds more stressful, in some ways.

Maybe that's it - maybe I'm just stressed out.

I am not sure how to get out of it. More solo hikes? More exercise? Get into more activities (volunteer? dance?) and go to art museums?

Or am I mirroring people around me (some of them are going through some very difficult times) and absorbing their emotions?

It's not like I can afford to do what I did when I was young (and relatively care-free): feel it,  wallow in sad emotions, read depressing books, and wait until it passes... Because, you know: 3 kids, a job, responsibilities, and about 1001 things that need to get done.

Jar of Pickles

When I was at UW, I lived at Hansee Hall for a couple of years. I loved having a single room. I loved the quirkiness of that dorm and the people who lived in it.

There was a guy there, I can't remember his name - Max? Mark? Maybe John?

I thought he was bonkers. Turned out, he was just slightly eccentric.

John could be found doing normal things at odd hours. Or the other way around. He would play soccer by himself in the middle of the night. Or he would watch the sci-fi channel in the common room, muttering something incoherent. Or he would be marching outside, in the night, in the rain, while singing very loudly in German. An acquaintance of mine said "Oh, don't worry, John is a really nice guy, just slightly unusual." I wasn't too worried - until the police came to talk to this John guy (I don't know why) - but I figured it wouldn't hurt to keep some distance.

I would never have known that he was, indeed, a genuinely nice guy, if it wasn't for pickles.

I get terrible cravings for pickles every once in a blue moon. What's worse than not having any pickles? Having a whole big jar of pickles that you can't open! 

So I wondered out into the common room, and John was sitting right there, watching something on TV and muttering to himself. So I risked it - went up to him and asked for help in my most polite voice. It took him a few moments to process what must have been a pretty weird request.

No, we did not become best buddies or share deep dark secrets. But from then on, we would smile and nod to each other, we would chat in the common room, and it just... felt good. To have an opportunity to get to know another human being, to have the chance to move them from the "weirdo I better stay away from" category to "nice guy with interesting opinions".

I do wonder if he remembers the weird girl who asked him to open a jar of pickles :)

Summer Plans and Ancient History

When it comes to vacations, my husband is the planner in the family. He got our whole summer trip planned out. We will be spending a week in Washington state (visiting family in Tacoma and Seattle area, going to Mt Rainer and Olympics) and then a week in Yellowstone. We got plane tickets, rentals, car. My contribution will be making sure that we all have comfortable clothing and shoes that fit, entertainment for the trip (audio books, puzzles, games, and anything else to help avoid screens), and looking into museums and fun events that we can participate in while we are there.

When in Seattle, I would like to go back to UW campus. It's been years, so many years. Oh, the quad where I used to sit on the grass... and the Suzzallo library... and the Physics building.

Yes, the Physics building. There was a boy once, who was a physics major, and who had access to the building keys. He took me up to the roof for a date. It wasn't as romantic as you might think. You don't really see the stars much in Seattle - too cloudy. Also, I am not a fan of heights. Things did not work out with that boy. But anyway, that's ancient history.

I have some very sad memories associated with that Physics building. 

Someone I cared about deeply told me he was going to kill himself. 

He didn't - not then, anyway. A few weeks later, we were in the courtyard of that very physics building - we laughed, we hugged, and I told him to take care of himself. I remember holding hands. And then he left the country - under rather mysterious circumstances. Seriously, Slow Horses "nervno kuryat v storonke". No, I don't actually think he was a failed spy. More like a compulsive liar? But not in a bad way. Because there are lies and there are lies. The stuff he lied about - it wasn't meant for personal gain or to hurt people. But still, it hurt people. Mostly him.

The suicide plans - those weren't a lie. He was preparing for months - telling people about this amazing job offer he got in Europe, how he was getting rid of all his stuff so that he wouldn't have to drag it with him. He kept asking me, over and over again, if I would remember him, after he left. 

Would you stay friends with a person if it turned out everything you knew about them was a lie?

Ancient history. 

But it still hurts to think about it. Maybe I should stay away from the Physics buildings.

Spring and Parents

Spring is here! We got daffodils blooming everywhere. Forsythias are clusters of happy yellow. Our 2 apricot trees both have blooms. Plum, peach, and nectarine blooms are are about to open.

We are behind on gardening. The soil needs to be turned over, the beds shaped, the peas planted... I don't think we will get to it until mid-April. This week is insanity at work. Next week we will be away. When we come back from our trip, it will be a rush to unpack, get ready for work and school, and before we can say "huh", it will be mid-April. And my mom's birthday!

I love my parents. I love spending time with them. My father - he can be so funny and crack middle-school style jokes (yes, yikes), but he is also such a calming influence and makes me feel so safe (is this weird - considering that I'm 45 - that my father makes me feel safe?) My mother - she is not calm - but she is brilliant and an amazing musician, and we can talk about books. Plus, my parents are willing to listen to me brag (usually about kids) or complain (about life in general) - and it feels so amazing to be the center of their attention.

Friendships

Part of being from a military family is that you don't get to grow up in a single place with the same kids. You move. Your friends move. 

One thing I learned - when people moved, and I lost a friend, and it felt like I would never have another friend like that - it was true. I would never meet another person exactly like that. I would go on to make other friends, but they would be different. The friendships would be different.

I don't make friends easily. 

I've been fortunate to have met some truly exceptional people. Sometimes, I can tell right away that we "click" and we will be friends. More often, I am completely clueless. It also happened (more than once) that there was initial dislike.

Back in the early 90's, after what felt like an eternity of not having any friends at all (we moved when I was 13 and the transition was extremely rough) - I finally had a best friend. We could talk for hours. We went on walks in the evenings, after dark (because "darkness was the young people's best friend," or "temnota - drug molodezhi" or something along those lines). We made each other laugh. We used to laugh so much... To this day, I have not met another person as ready to laugh, as ready to share her life, as easy to talk to (and to laugh with)... 

A few years later, in college, I had a best friend, a "kindred spirit". It felt like we were going through all the same major life events at the same time. She was like a sister I never had. I felt like I could tell her anything. These days, we are separated by a vast distance and we rarely talk because we get so busy with work and family, and the time difference makes things even more tricky. We drifted apart as we aged and formed new relationships that changed us. And yet - I still very much feel like she is my sister... and we share history from college days. I will never meet another person as determined and brilliant as she is. I miss that close friendship and I miss our late-night conversations about everything under the sun.

There was another friend in college who was like a brother I never had (but always wished I did). He moved to another country when I was finishing up my sophomore year. I haven't seen him or heard from him for more than 20 years. I suspect he is not alive (but I hope I am wrong). It is unlikely that I will meet anyone as frustrating, enraging, kind, confident, and angst-ridden as he was. I miss his friendship. 

Life's Not a Joke

Life feels like I am constantly failing at something: exercising. reading with kids, community obligations, being friendly, sense of humor... Even when I feel mostly caught up on life and work, there is always that one thing that I just don't get around to... emailing the rabbis about H's upcoming Bat Mitzvah, dusting, getting in touch with other Hebrew School parents, answering my emails...

Sense of humor - just today, E told me "yeah, mom, I can't tell when people are being sarcastic, just like you... but a least I get jokes - you really don't get humor, do you...."

It's true. I have a hard time understanding jokes - especially those told by people I don't know well. Probably a combination of not enough common reference (you got to have the same frame of reference to share jokes, or they'll make no sense), poor auditory comprehension (especially when I'm not used to the person's speech patterns and/or accent), and poor social skills.

Trying to tell a joke is a disaster - I can't tell jokes at all. It all comes out wrong. People give me odd looks. On the other hand, when I'm sharing my deepest, inner-most thoughts and feelings, people think I'm hilarious. So sad.

Half the comedies make me cry. Or stress me out to the point I have to leave the room.

Some comedies I do OK with. We just watched "Top Secret" with kids - that was good. I can watch Friends and The Big Bang Theory without hiding my head under the blanket. A lot of Monty Python I am good with even when I don't get 100% of the jokes. But shows like Seinfeld, or Borat, or even Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (to be fair: the 1/4 jokes that I was able to understand were fantastic) - I just can't. Or things like Dumb and Dumber - no way.

I wonder if sense of humor is a kind of a skill that can get better with practice... Perhaps I should try more comedies, or books that are funny, or practice telling jokes to my kids...

Parenting Fail

I have a lingering cold - I am almost over it but still have stuffiness and cough. My middle child developed the cold a couple of days after me. The oldest and the youngest are holding out... But probably not for long.

I made H tea with honey this morning to help her feel better. But then C, the youngest, wanted tea, too. No problem. They were sitting contentedly at the kitchen table, sipping their tea. When breakfast was ready, everyone moved to the dining room table. I brought the tea over. Except I gave H's tea (laden with germs, no doubt) to C... C took a couple of gulps before she realized she was drinking out of her sick sister's cup. 

Ugh. Seriously. This reminds me of a time when C was sick and after helping her brush her teeth, I (why? I don't know! my brain went to la-la land for a bit)  started brushing my own teeth using her toothbrush. I got sick less than 12 hours after that (it was a nasty, nasty cold, too!).

So... yeah... parenting fail number 1,095,435.

Things I Would Like to Say YES to

 I'm reading "Tell Me More" by Kelly Corrigan, and her "Yes" chapter got me thinking...

What am I already saying YES to? What should I say YES to more?

• Travel: with husband, solo, with family, with friends, with kids
• Music: playing, listening, going to concerts (especially if our kids are performing), free concerts at the nearby park
• Reading: by myself, aloud to the kids, in pajamas, on the train, in front of the fireplace, outside, different genres
• Board games with kids
• Dancing: alone or with kids
• Hiking
• Stargazing
• Throwing pebbles into a body of water
• Picking wild berries
• Going to thrift stores just to look at stuff
• Backrubs
• Hugs

Sneaking Matzos

My grandfathers did not want to have anything to do with religion. With all the death, horror, and upheavals they have lived through, is it really surprising?

My grandmothers were not so quick to dismiss G-d. With all the death, horror, and upheavals they have lived through, is it really surprising?

The only somewhat-observant person in our close family circle was my uncle's mother (my sort-of-grandmother through marriage  but not by blood). As kids, we would ask her, "Baba Tanya, why do you believe in G-d?" Because, of course, as proper Soviet children, we found the idea to be bewildering, as in why would any sane educated person believe such a thing?

She made a deal with G-d. 

When WWII started, her husband was drafted into the army during the early days. Then, her town in Belarus came under attack. The residents got some advanced warning over the radio. They knew the German planes were coming, they knew they had to evacuate. Imagine a column of people, carrying their most precious belongings, holding their children, all leaving the town. Baba Tanya was in such a column, with 3 young kids. Two older ones were walking, holding on to her skirt. She was carrying the youngest. They got to the bridge and started crossing over. That's when the German airplanes came, bombing the town. A crowd of people, on the bridge, exposed, can't turn back, can't run. Bombs falling all around. She made a deal with G-d. If she would cross the bridge with her kids, unharmed, then for the rest of her life she would do everything she could to follow the tradition. And so she did. Even if it meant she would sneak through late-night streets, her head covered in "platochek", her shoulders hunched, hoping no one would recognize her. Sneakily and stealthily, she would walk to the place that made Matzos for Pesah. 

Those secret Matzos - they made their way across the country, from Riga, where Baba Tanya ended up after the war, all the way to the Far East. Because our family mailed a package of Matzos to us. My parents did not do any religious stuff, but those Matzos - they were pretty special.

Baba Tanya's husband was killed in battle. 

Baba Tanya and her 3 children survived the war, Stalin times, perestroika, and collapse of the USSR. She emigrated to the US with her son and daughter back in the 90's. Her other daughter has emigrated to Israel.

Illusions

The kids and I went to Philly today, to the Museum of Illusions. It was small, but pretty neat and packed with various visual illusions. There were puzzles, there were "trick" rooms that made you appear bigger or smaller. "Infinity Room" was full of mirrors, reflecting us into infinity. It reminded me of my grandmother's apartment in Kharkiv.

My grandparents moved to Kharkiv in the early 80's, to be closer to my aunt and her family. They moved into a small 2-room "Khrushevka" style apartment, one of those where you had to go through one of the rooms to get to the other. There was a small entrance hallway that accessed the bathroom, kitchen, and the bigger of the 2 rooms (which served as a guest room, living room, and dining room). My uncle installed custom-made storage furniture in the hallway, making it kind of tight but functional. My grandparents hung 2 mirrors on the opposite walls of that narrow hallway. I am not sure if that was meant to visually enlarge the space or to enable my grandmother (who wore a wig) to see the back of her head before she went outside. But the effect was that of infinity mirrors - I could see myself reflecting in a reflection of a reflection of a reflection of a reflection....

The kitchen was cozy, with a kitchen table and stools next to the window, with built-in furniture (my uncle again; unlike the US, those kitchens did not come furnished - you got a sink and a gas range, if you were lucky, and would bring in your own refrigerator). The kitchen table had drop-leaves - it could be extended to accommodate guests. If the family didn't feel like having a more "formal" meal in the dining/living/guest room, we would eat in the kitchen, and I don't know how we managed to squeeze in 7 or 8 people at that table... All I remember, there was one special spot, right next to the range and underneath the water heating regulator - the only way to access it was to go under the table. So it was typically  reserved for the youngest kid in the family (me). It was so funny, to be cheered by the family for climbing under the table and coming out on the other side.

I came to Kharkiv every summer until 1994. Honestly, I don't remember that much of the city. Most of my time there was spent hanging out with grandparents, playing on the playground outside, and going to a nearby park to collect mineral water, feed pigeons and learn embroidery. I did not do a whole lot of sightseeing, although I haven been to the Kharkiv Zoo (it was rather awful in the 80's and 90's) and Park Gorkogo  (Gorky Park).

There was also a cableway in Kharkiv that I both loved and hated. When I was a kid, the cabins were open to the air - no glass in the window. The doors were more of a symbol than a safety feature.  Plus, the thing didn't stop - you had to get on and off while the cabins kept moving! My father (who never outgrew the middle school sense of humor) loved to bounce around in the cabin, making it sway. I was terrified!

I do not know if that apartment building in Pavlovo Pole neighborhood is still standing or if it has been destroyed in the war. I don't know if that playground, or park, or the nearby ice cream shop, or the cableway - if they only exist in my memory, an illusion of things that used to be but are no longer real.

Tall

My 14-year old son is now taller than me.

I knew it was going to happen - but it is still odd, my child now taller than me, and likely to be towering over me in a few years. Or in a few months? Kids growing is a spectacular thing that takes one by surprise. Even when you know to expect it.

He will be going into high school next fall - class selection is done. He is talking about college. I am going to be cheering him on - and I need to stay out of his way. Meaning, I shouldn't try to take him by the hand and lead him to where I think opportunities are best. Where is the line between helping your kids succeed and be happy versus shoving excessive help at them and making them passive passengers in their lives? 

So... 2023

I forgot to put together "Winter Fun List" this year and now it's too late. I better get working on the "Spring Fun List".

This winter was mostly a bust weather-wise. No snow. No sledding. I don't like warm winters. I like frozen trails, snow on the branches, and crisp air.

And yet - this winter did have it's moments. We had a few cold days in December. We were visiting my in-laws and stayed at their house overnight - and guess what I saw in the  morning? Frost pictures all over the windows! I swear, I haven't seen those since I was a kid - the forest-like patterns all over the glass. Magical.

There was a giant frozen puddle outside their house. The kids actually had their ice skates with them, so they put them on and went skating! And once again, I was reminded of my childhood. There was a burst pipe of some sort that flooded the area behind our apartment building when we lived in the Far East. My grandparents sent me a pair of ice skates and it was the best thing in the world - stumble out of the house, and the "skating rink" was right there! The ice was very much uneven but we (local kids) didn't care. I never got really good at skating, but I figured out the basics.

Another winter highlight: skiing. We took kids skiing for the first time ever. I've never done anything except a little cross-country skiing, and I've never been to a real skiing hill with lifts and stuff... so it was a completely novel experience for everyone involved. Even though I didn't try it - it was so much fun to watch the kids. Yes, the snow was artificial, but - it is what it is. I was amazed at how quickly they were picking it up - all 3 went on a lift and down a "beginners" hill (that looked rather large and terrifying to me). All 3 are much better coordinated, and much braver than I've ever been.

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Life sometimes feels like we keep treading water, barely keeping our heads up. The war in Ukraine keeps going. First thing every morning, I check the news to see if Putin is still in power, if he has used nuclear weapons, if the world has gone completely mad. East versus West. 

I escape into books, I escape into doing fun things with kids. Dear Reader, what's your escape?

Favorite Books of 2022

 Anthony Horowitz. Magpie Murders.

• It took me a while to get into the book, but then I hit a point of no return - could not put it down. I loved the structure, the book-inside-the-book puzzle. The writing was solid. The characters were great.
• Excellent plot with unexpected turns and twists.
• The book poked fun of itself in the best possible way.

Robin Benway. Far from Tree

• Nice (if a little cheesy) read about adoption, teenage pregnancy, foster care.
• It was a satisfying, feeling-inducing read.

Ruth Ware. The It Girl.

• This was a well-written book and I couldn't put it down.
• Interesting themes (creepy men, college)
• Fun read but not deep....
• Took me forever to figure out who the villain was, but at the end - wasn't surprising.

Sally Hepworth. The Good Sister.

• Well-written, page-turner fun.
• Unexpected twists... thought-provoking (sibling relationships!)
• Made me think about unreliable narrator, unreliable memories, and how 2 people may recall the same event in different ways.

Kate Quinn. Diamond Eye.

• Well-written historical fiction that feels authentic and honest.
• This was the story of the remarkable Ljudmila Pavlichenko - Soviet sniper - written with compassion and sensitivity.

Shauna Niequist. I guess I haven't Learned That Yet.

• Nonfiction... too much religion but full of brilliant and sensitive observations about life.

Arthur Clalrke. Rendezvous With Rama.

• Solid science fiction. Based in the real world, real technology.
• Can see how it influenced Avi Loeb, Expanse...
• Loved the ending! 
• Characters were 2-D and not particularly interesting.

Neal Stephenson. Termination Shock.

• Very well-written and convincing. 
• Amazing blend of current events, technology, geography, and science fiction.
• Thought-provoking, compels to check the current tech and events to see if they are real...

Not quite a favorite but worth mentioning...

Rob Hart. The Paradox Hotel.

• Time-paradox-based science fiction.
• Interesting concepts - but confusing and a bit disjointed.
• Diverse characters with interesting personal stories.