Music

Our son and my mom had a recital a few days ago. E (violin) has been learning Vitali's Chaconne for months. They have been working on the piece together for weeks. The performance was amazing - it felt like being at a professional concert! My mom is, in fact,  a professional musician - and I love to hear her play. My son really pulled it together and there were parts that gave me goosebumps and took my breath away. 

In November, my mom had a recital for her piano students - which includes our middle kid. Mom and H played a Concerto Romantique by C. Rollin, on two grand pianos - so much fun!

I realize that we kind of take my mom for granted. She is doing this amazing thing with my kids and music. I can't do it - I will never be able to do it for either my children or grandchildren. I took piano lessons at a music school when I was a kid, and I do love playing the piano, and it brings me so much joy - but I am just not anywhere near the level that she is at :) And that's fine - but also a bit sad.

It also makes me want to go practice the piano - and maybe there is a piece my mom and I can work on together!

Music makes me happy. 

December Weather Change is Needed

It's December. 

It's raining outside and in the high 50's (Fahrenheit). Seriously?

I do not like this one bit. 

It's December! How about some snow? And sub-zero (Celsius) temperatures? That nice feeling when you step outside and the air is "biting" your cheeks? I want that!

Kids are not helping around the house - unless we spend a ridiculous amount of time and effort getting them to help out. Something needs to change. They are 15, 13, and 9. They are capable on taking on more responsibilities.

• Unloading dishes*
• Clean up table and kitchen after dinner
• Keep their rooms clean!
• Vacuum other parts of the house*
• Wipe bathroom sink
• Take out garbage
• Change bedsheets (on their beds)*
• Fold laundry*
• Help with yard up-keep*
• Take care of the cat (feeding, litter box, etc)*

*They have been doing some of these chores  - but we've all been busy, and I've been lax about enforcing chores, and the kids have been doing close to nothing. Because if we don't make them - they never volunteer to help.

I know that when we bring this up and ask kids to help out more, our middle kid is going to scream and kick and tell us that we are the parents and it's our responsibility to take care of the kids (including clean up, cooking, laundry, etc). We are going to have to deal with that - but I am not looking forward to it.

Our kids are generally good and like to be helpful. We just need to reset expectations and somehow get them to cooperate with the plan... 

46 and Other Matters

 I turned 46 a few days ago. It was a nice low-key birthday. My husband got us Vietnamese food for dinner. H made swiss roll (chocolate! with sour cream icing! my favorite!). C brought me a snack - nicely cut up fruit - while I was working. I got lots of hugs. H also got me a bar of nice-smelling soap. 

I feel very fortunate to be 46. I can walk, hike, bike, and enjoy nature. I get to spend lots of time with kids. I sleep at night. I have a good job but I am also confident that if that job suddenly disappears, I will not be destitute. I have options.

Totally unrelated to my birthday. We've got moths. So annoying! We've been setting up traps but so far - no luck in getting rid of them. The things flutter around the room, but seem to completely ignore the supposedly pheromone-laced glue. Mutant moths? Will they be completely taking over our house?

Also totally unrelated to my birthday. Vlad the cat has been completely lax in his job as the terminator. He is supposed to be a predator, a killing machine. We've got mice, people! Mice that raided my sufganiyot (doughnuts). We ended up setting mouse traps.

Is there a pest that you will absolutely not tolerate and will go to any lengths to kill? For me, I am perfectly happy to co-habit with spiders, millipedes, and walking sticks. The one thing I can not stand - cockroaches...

Birthday Present

Expectations vs reality and needs vs wants.

I had this image in my head, that on my birthday, I would be able to take 15-20 minutes to myself to sit down and do some writing while the kids were getting ready for school. And maybe even read a few pages of a book while eating breakfast!

This didn't happen. 

Those minutes that I was looking forward to got obliterated by cleaning up dishes, making bed, brushing teeth, showing my youngest kid how to crochet (she got up half an hour early to do it), and tidying up random objects. Not a big deal, really - but I got irritated because I didn't get what I wanted (writing time!).

I realize that the expectation of having a chunk of uninterrupted time (even if it's just 15 min) first thing in the morning is a bit unrealistic at this point. Because kids want to chat while eating breakfast, or they need some last-minute signature, or something needs to be cleaned up... Or like today - there were a few small random tasks that really only took a minute or two each - and those things really did have to be done first thing so that....

So that as soon as I got C on the bus, I could go for a short hike at the park before starting work.

That was my present to myself - a solo hike through the trails before starting work.

It was just below freezing, so the trails were reasonably solid. Was it a perfect winter day? Well, it was sunny, and there was no wind... but how I wished there was snow on the ground and on the tree branches!!! 

When there is a disconnect between expectations and reality, I tend to get grouchy. 

Obviously, it is completely unreasonable to expect the weather to cooperate and give me exactly what I want when I want it. It is also pointless to get impatient with kids because they dawdle, or leave their dishes sitting around, or don't get their school things ready... (And yet, I do get irritated and grumpy instead of setting up my morning with the expectation that at least some of the kids will dawdle, read instead of getting dressed, forget to brush their hair and/or teeth, or complain that they have nothing to wear).

I want to go hiking on a snowy trail. But what I truly needed was a walk in nature - and I got that and I am all better now!

I want to have calm happy mornings - I am yet to figure out how to achieve that. But what I (and our family) need is reasonably nutritious food and a chance to connect and hug before we all run our separate ways.

Life Goals

I haven't thought about life goals in a long time. 

Yesterday, I was reading an article in the New Yorker about motivational speakers and life coaches. I never thought that it was a multi-billion industry. I thought of it as a niche thing - like self-help books. (I am not a huge fan of self-help books).

It seems that one of the reasons people are drawn to this is because they want to make money, drive fancy cars, own jets - that's what success means to them ("Do like me and you'll be rich like me" angle that some in the industry sell). This does not resonate at all. 

But there were a few things in that article that made me pause and think .

• If the goal is not scary enough it means it's not big enough.
• Do a challenge that is hard - that forces you to overcome something, that pushes you to try something uncomfortable.
• "Happy" may not be enough. Reading books and eating chocolate makes me happy, at least in the short-term. But I don't think that my aspirations should be limited to "read and have chocolate".

Do you set big goals? Have you ever challenged yourself to overcome something - and succeeded? How did that feel?

Little Black Suitcase Next to the Door

 After Stalin's death, there was a wave of antisemitism across the USSR. Because, according to state media, there was a conspiracy among doctors (most with Jewish last names) who wanted the death of the "dear leader."

It may sound ridiculous now - a joke - a laugh. 

It wasn't funny for my family, particularly those who happened to be Jewish doctors.

My great-uncle, Alexander Maizel (aka, dydya Sasha, or uncle Sasha) told me stories when we visited them in Moscow in the 90's.

During The War (WWII) he was a military doctor (that's how he met my grandmother's sister - she was a nurse at the field hospital). After the war, they settled down in Moscow because dydya Sasha had family there. He continued to practice medicine. He was also involved in research (Influenza-related, if I remember correctly). He spoke highly of Marshal Zhukov. In the 90's, he spoke disparagingly about many Soviet officials who made decisions during The War that resulted in staggering loss of life.

After Stalin's death, he had a black satchel packed and ready to go, sitting next to their door. He expected he could be arrested at any time. Not because he has done anything wrong, but because he was a doctor and he happened to be Jewish. 

Dydya Sasha is long gone. Somehow, of all the stories he told me, what stuck the most was that Marshal Zhukov had a dog and the story of the black satchel packed for the expected arrest. As far as I am aware, he was never arrested. The black satchel was "just-in-case" - packed with the hope that it would never be needed. Sort of like taking an umbrella with you to "scare away" the rain.

Do you have something like that? Something that you always have at the ready but hope you will never need?

Little Black Suitcase Next to the Door*

 I am angry. And sad. And heartbroken. And angry.

Angry to the point that I can't talk about things - because I begin to cry. Because for some weird, unfortunate, uncomfortable reason - my anger is directly wired to my tears.

Sometimes I wish my "angry" could be more productive. Or destructive. Or more normal - like linked to aggression, or something.

I haven't been to Russia since I was a teenager. I knew we couldn't live in Russia. I knew I couldn't live in Russia. I knew I didn't want to raise children in Russia. Because there was always this -sometimes unspoken- thing with antisemitism. It  was part of things. Inescapable. Part of the fabric of the society. No, of course not everyone in Russia was like that - many (most?) people were wonderful, kind, and sane. But it was always there, sometimes in the background, sometimes in the foreground, and that was something you just lived with. And I didn't want my kids to live with it - I didn't want them feeling like they had to prove something, like they had to prove they were good human beings even though the were Jewish. I went through that - it didn't go well. I finally had an epiphany at a tender age of 15 that the world was a broken place, and it wasn't my job to fix it, it wasn't my job to convince everyone around me that Jews were a good people, that we did not kill Stalin, or Lenin, or the Tsar, or were to blame for Communism, or were the cause of Capitalism, etc, etc. People would believe what they would - it wasn't my job to fix them. 

My kids have to deal with it. Now. Today. They are dealing with it at school. It is bad. I hate it. It makes me mad. No, of course not everyone at school is antisemitic. Many (most) people are not. But there are enough who make cruel remarks and antisemitic jokes. 

We emigrated because we wanted to live normal lives, quiet lives, without prejudice. We didn't want to be singled out. We were tired of being targets of hate whenever there were political and economical upheavals.

What irony - this is happening, again, here, now. I am so angry that my children have to deal with it. I am so angry that being Jewish is again somehow made to be bad or shameful. Something to be hidden. Something to not be mentioned. My husband hid our menorahs when there were people in our house installing the new heating system. I haven't had the heart to ask him why.

I am so angry. I want to cry all the time.

I wish I could just ignore the world - not read the news - not hear what people are saying. But I can't afford ignorance.

I will pack an emergency bag. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, change of clothing, a small towel. Cash. My husband and I have passports at hand. I will start the process of getting passports for our kids.

Not because I actually expect we'll be rounded up - like my family was all those years ago in Starobin. But because it makes me feel better to have some sort of emergency plan at hand. I can't afford to be "la-la-la, I am sure it will all be wonderful." We know better than that. 

G-d willing, we'll never need it. 

But if we do. I will not go quietly.

*That's a story for another time