(Addams) Family Values Part I

I love that movie :)

School and all the fall activities are about to start up and we are trying to finalize the schedules and make sure that we can make things work.

The endless options for music, clubs, sports, and hobbies made me pause and re-think what's important to our family, what's feasible, and what would be the optimal level of activities

Some people (kids) need more scheduled activities and some people (kids) need more unstructured down time. Some people can't deal with free time and feel the need to schedule every minute of it. Others (myself included) absolutely need to have free time to process all the stuff that happened during the day and not have to rush to the next activity. Some people feel that if they keep their kids super busy, they'll have less time to get in trouble and less time to waste on screens. None of it is wrong... but we all have our rhythms and needs and values.

Growing up, I did music lessons, which included twice-a-week piano lessons + 2x week music theory + weekly music literature + weekly choir. (It was all a part of Music School, a pretty typical thing for the  USSR, where I went 2-3 times a week after regular school for all those lessons; I could get there on my own - there was an activity bus from the army base and when I got to ~4th grade, I just took a regular bus). I did not play any sports. Occasionally, I joined knitting/sewing/arts clubs through my school. What did I do with the rest of my time? Oh my goodness: I read, I went on long meandering walks through the local hills and forests, I spent time with friends, I daydreamed... I had a ton of unstructured time. I needed it and I loved having that kind of freedom. 

My husband did multiple school sports once he got to high school. He took swim lessons as a kid. He took piano lessons. He played in band. He participated in school clubs. He did a lot, but most of it was at or through the school. He also had plenty of time to bike around with his siblings, explore, help his parents with yardwork. So I would say a pretty good balanced of structured/unstructured time throughout his childhood but more structured as he got to be high school age).

Our kids did ~2 activities each when they were early elementary school age. Less when they were preschool age. Our goal was to do one art-related activity (in our case, it was always music) and one sport per kid. 

As the kids got older (currently: 5th grade, 9th grade, 10th grade), there are clubs and school sports that they started adding on. It's wonderful when these activities are through the school (only pickup is required for those activities... and sometimes there are activity buses). It is more difficult when they want to do things that are outside of school that require a commitment to getting them there and back (sometimes multiple times a week)

We want to support their interest but we also want to keep our sanity (because having to drive to 3 different places every evening is not feasible for us). 

And here we (finally) come to values. Over the years, I haven't given much thought to what our family values are (or should be). We just sort of did our things and meandered from day to day without thinking too deeply about the meaning of life, or anything like that. 

Here's what came to mind when I asked myself - what are our current family values?

1. Spend time together as a family!!!!

2. Have a life that's enjoyable

3. Do something useful

I feel like these are going to be very much a work-in-progress. Where would I fit the more personal values (like integrity, sense of adventure, willingness to try new things...)?

To be continued....

What are your family values? How do they define your day-to-day life?

Last Week of Summer Break

I was going to name this post "Last Week of Summer" but then I remembered that summer, technically, goes into September.

However, this is the last week that the kids are on summer break. Here's what's happening:

E: work (only a couple of days this week), XC training (daily), violin (lesson + daily practice), schoolwork (he is still working through Frankenstein), working on his model (WWII battleship), researching 3D printer (he is saving up to buy one), chores around the house.

H: piano (lesson + daily practice), schoolwork (finishing up the required reading and write-up), daily chores.

C: cello (lesson + daily practice), schoolwork (finishing up school math and doing some extra math workbooks), reading, a new puzzle, chores.

Self: work, cook, laundry, read.

Husband: work, cook, clean, read. 

I try to get all the kids outside. They go to the pool. They have a list of chores they need to get through before they get to have screentime. There is still way too much screentime but I also feel like this is their last week of break and they should get their fill of "doing nothing" (but I still feel guilty - even though I know it's ridiculous).

Goals for this week: play outside with kids even if it's just 20 minutes, go for a walk, play board games, be efficient at work.

Goals for this weekend: not sure yet!

Energy Levels

Every time I go to the doctor and they ask me if I have any complaints, I say: "Fatigue." And they say: "Oh good, so nothing has changed!" I've been feeling tired for so long that I can't tell if it's normal or something I should worry about.

When kids were little and sleep was interrupted - it made perfect sense that I would feel tired most days.

When the pandemic happened and I was stressed out - it made sense that I would feel tired.

Kids are older now and many things are easier, but there is still a lot of anxiety (kid-related, work-related, life-related, health-related). We also have fairly busy lives (work, house chores, kid-related activities, making sure everyone is fed and clothed, etc) - but nothing too extreme. 

I just always feel  tired and sleepy. By 6 pm, I feel so completely drained and exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. Once I get to 8 or 9 pm, I typically feel slightly better. It just seems like I have some weird energy "collapse" around 6 pm. Which is a problem because a lot of kids activities are happening around then... 

I need to do something to improve my energy levels; I need to resolve both the 6-pm collapse and the general fatigue that I feel all the time. 

Maybe I can try and figure out a way to get more sleep. I mean I think I get around 7.5-8 h most nights but maybe that's an overestimation? I need to track this....

Maybe I could build in more exercise into my day (typically, exercising = going on walks) - hard to do right now because work is so crazy and then we've got the the usual cooking/cleaning/driving kids to activities stuff. But I need to try, even if it's 20 minutes of playing badminton with kids...

It could be age- and hormone-related. Not much could be done there except adjusting expectations.

I should probably get my thyroid levels checked.

Dear Reader, what's your energy level like? Is there anything special that you do to combat fatigue?

Weekend Report

I think this last weekend was a good balance of time spent with family and friends and time spent doing nothing.

We had H's friends over for a sleepover. Generally, I find sleepovers overwhelming and try to avoid them. However, they are all 14 and require minimal supervision (and they are all really good easy-going kids). Besides providing the food, I pretty much did nothing and went to sleep while they stayed up until 3 am watching movies and chatting. The next morning, my son had to get up super early for his XC practice and I had a very nice time hanging out with him and making waffles while the girls slept. After they all woke up, ate, and got ready (and this took a while), I drove them to the nearby mall and left them there. I then spent a very nice couple of hours relaxing at home, doing a couple of chores, and chatting with my husband. I went to pick up the very happy girls, brought them back to our place, and then they got picked up. 

After the girls left, I went on a sort of archeological dig - we have numerous drawers (and shelves, and cabinets) that we just sort of shove stuff into and then forget all about it. So, somewhat randomly, I decided to take a look at 3 drawers in our dining room.

I found: kids old artwork, old baseball photos from 2015, old photos from day camp from around the same time (the kids loved the photos and seeing familiar faces), old irrelevant bills and statements that we can get rid of, paperwork from when we bought our house in 2014 (keeping that), piles of Hannukah and Shabbat candles, piles of hair pieces, Halloween decoration, command hooks that I forgot we had. 

On Sunday, I went on a bike ride with my husband and our youngest daughter. I meant to do a short and easy ride (instead of an entire loop around the park that would force me to do go down hills I am really uncomfortable with), so was going to stop after about 30 min and turn back. My husband wanted to go all the way around,  and C decided that she wanted to go with him. So we separated - I turned back and they went around the loop - they go much faster than me (is it kind of pathetic that I can't keep up with the 10 year-old? Probably, but ah well...) and we planned to meet up again at the park entrance. I got there first (not surprising because I turned back at approximately 1/3 mark along the loop) and had a very nice time hanging out by the stream and people-watching for about 10 minutes. 

Later on Sunday, I drove the girls to visit their friends (who used to be our next-door neighbors but had to move) for a couple of hours. We also had friends over for dinner - so that was a pretty full day. 

I think those short stretches of alone time spent letting my mind wonder while watching hummingbirds, or looking at the stream, or just sitting outside, helped with making the weekend feel calm and relaxed. Spending time with friends was fun and energizing. And biking was a decent exercise (even though I went easy on myself) - so there, I even got some exercise in!

Do you host sleepovers? Do you let your kids go to sleepovers?

Weekend Plans vs the Need for Nothingness

The August weekends have been booked up with plans. It's mostly social stuff - getting together with friends, celebrating people's birthdays, a sleepover, a trip to the mall with H's friend group. I am slightly concerned that I am going to feel completely run down and burnt out by the end of the month. 

I've been really enjoying getting together with people and catching up o with friends that I haven't seen for months. I've really enjoyed getting to know new people and having interesting discussions. Being with people can be energizing. However... I also crave quiet and solitude, because that's what I need to re-charge and keep my sanity.

The balance of doing lots of things and doing nothing has been difficult. I find that I really need both - I am just not sure how much of each! 

How do you balance the need to be alone with the need to see friends? 

August Feelings

We have a few more weeks before school starts! There are no more camps for kids. I have mixed feelings about end-of-summer. On one hand, I'm really looking forward to:

• having a very quiet house while I'm working... 
• and not finding the kitchen a complete disaster zone every time I come down to get a glass of water. 
• and not finding a gazillion dirty bowls, cups, and utensils all over the place.
• and not having kids complain about their chores
• and not having to constantly tell kids to get off the screens and go finish their chores
• and oh, my, not having constantly hungry children complaining that there is not enough food (there is tons of food! just not junk food!)

At the same time, I want to make sure to Make The Most Of the Summer!

• Go on family bike ride
• Go to the park
• Go kayaking
• Take the kids to the library and let them browse or wonder around town while I work
• Have leisurely breakfasts with the family
• Play board games

In the meantime, work is hellishly stressful and I barely have time to breath. I feel exhausted - can barely function after 7 pm. Something is leaking near our freezer, pushing up the kitchen floor tiles (we just noticed that today... but our ice maker in the freezer has been acting weird for months now so we think that's the culprit). The house is messy and dusty. So, major anxiety all around.

Deep breaths....

Dear Reader, how is your end-of-summer going? What is the source of calm and what is the source of anxiety?

Planning, Lack of

So... I try to stay on top of things. Birthday. Events. Kids activities. That sort of thing.

I use a couple of systems, including automated email reminders, on-line calendar, and a physical calendar to keep track of, you know, life and stuff. Except sometimes I think I can remember it all and don't bother looking or updating my calendar....

Well, it shouldn't come as a huge surprise that I can't keep it all in my head and I absolutely need to pay more attention to my calendars. Earlier in the week, I saw an email reminder that my father-in-law's birthday was coming up. So yesterday, I kept reminding my husband to call his father so that we could all wish him happy birthday. The funny thing is, it wasn't actually his birthday yet - that would be tomorrow. It is even funnier that I sounded so sure of myself that I managed to convince my husband to make that phone call.... chaos ensued. 

I mean, the actual birthday is clearly marked on my calendar - I just didn't pay attention.

This coming Saturday we were hoping to go on a family outing, maybe kayaking or biking.. Because the next few weekends are going to be busy and then the school starts, etc, etc. And we had an absolutely beautifully open Saturday.. or so I thought. Ha. My son is going to his teacher's wedding ceremony. This Saturday. Again - it is on my calendar (and has been for months), I just thought that I remembered things well enough so that I didn't look at it! I couldn't sleep last night because I was a) disappointed that our plans wouldn't work, b) he has no gift, and c) he needs new decent-looking pants to attend the wedding.

Dear Reader, are you a planner? Or do you outsource it to someone else?

Recharging

I've been watching a fair amount of the Olympics this summer. I am not super into team sports (soccer, volleyball, basketball) but I really love the individual sports. Not sure what that says about me, but I'm sure it means something :)

I've been absolutely soaking up the emotions and the excitement that's oozing out of the TV screen. (Perhaps my life is a little lacking in intensity, be it joy or disappointment.) I've been feeling so drained - for months - and seemingly unable to feel much of anything. I feel like my emotional reserves are filling up now, feeding off the Olympic frenzied victories, world records, athletes' determination and perseverance, and the joy of the games.

This morning, C and I spent half an hour sitting in an isolated spot at a nearby stream: talking, coming up with fun things to do this month, and thinking about what exciting things we could do this fall. I felt such peace and joy. I feel so much closer to an equilibrium now.

How do you recharge and regain balance? 

Second Half Of July

 

Weather: mostly hot, humid, and unpleasant.

Work: let's not talk about that.

Camps: our youngest, C, had 2 weeks of camps.

• Colonial Homestead 18th Century STEM - mostly outdoors, lots of hands-on activities, playing in the stream, farm animals, friends from last year. Rated excellent.
• School District Camp: Tennis in the morning and "Cupcake Wars" in the afternoon (they make and decorate cupcakes). She loved it. 

No camps for the older 2 kids but they stayed pretty busy:

• H has painted and re-arranged her room. She is doing some school work, and practicing piano.
• H and C have been going to the pool after C's camp.
• E has been working a few days a week (lifeguard at the pool). He has daily cross country training. He is working on his war ship model and is learning a new (and super difficult) violin piece.

Fun stuff: 

• Celebrating H's 14th birthday with a lemon cake and a tea/popover party with grandparents. We'll celebrate more with the other part of the family when we are at the beach (probably will take her and all the cousins to a water park). She is planning to have friends over for a sleepover sometime in August.
• Kayaking/tubing down the Brandywine river.
• Playing Hero's Quest (I have to admit that I am not really enjoying this one... too stressful and too much strategy - but the kids love it).
• Pool - very refreshing to go for a swim at the end of the day.
• J started ripping out shelves in the laundry room (as a first step in the remodel process) - I think he was having fun doing it!
• H and C both had friends over (on different days).
• Farmers Market - love getting fresh produce there

Dreadful stuff: work-related stress; oppressive heat and humidity; running out of glasses (how do kids use up so many glasses in a day?); complaining from kids (mostly about chores or about having to turn off the TV).

Screen Time:

• Some evenings, kids play Harry Potter Legacy 
• H is watching Reign, E is watching Reacher, and C is watching H2O (they take turns).
• Family TV show: we are trying "Northern Exposure" - only a few episodes in, not sure if we'll stick with it.
• Family movie night: Dial M for Murder - everyone loved it!
• We try to limit screen time...  Currently, we ask H to limit herself to 3 episodes a day (about 2.5 h?). This is less of an issue with C and E because they are home less.
• We have minimal screen time on the weekend - this is time for family adventures and games.

Garden: a complete disaster. All the local wildlife stops by and eats whatever they can.

Dear Reader: What were your July highlights? What was fun? What was dreadful?