Parents and Children

 

Some musings on the theme of whether or not children owe anything to the parents...

One of the culture shocks after coming to the US in the 90's was my perception that, for many families, once children were 18, they were expected to move out and be independent. Where I grew up, it was common for children to live with parents until marriage... and sometimes even after marriage, as multi-generational families.

After nearly 30 years here, I see a lot more nuance... but still, children are expected to "take wing" around 18, although this may simply mean that the said child moves away to college that the parents are paying for. Parents, on the other hand, are expected to carry on with their lives, have hobbies, travel, not rely on their children, and be independent and self-sufficient. Is there an inherent assumption that, once grown up, children and parents are no longer connected? 

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Children did not ask to be born... parents bring them into this world, raise them (to the best of their abilities), feed them, educate them... One could argue that these are all "gifts" we give to our children, and when you give gifts, you shouldn't expect anything in return. Let's assume that the parents are not horrible abusive individuals, but regular mortals who do their best but often make mistakes. Should grown children have an obligation to do anything for the parents? Or is it completely peachy if they never want to speak to the parents again? 

Maybe because I am so lucky to have amazing loving parents who would do anything for me, the idea that I can just... forget about them and drop them once they are no longer useful makes me want to cry.

I "owe" everything to my parents. It feels me with dread that someday I will not have them anymore.

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On the flip side, if you are a parent , should you still "owe" to your kids to support them, help them, do anything for them when they are 20? 30? How about 15? Is there an age where you say "my dearest child, I no longer owe you... anything" or are we responsible for our children forever? 

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I do my best to provide a good, safe environment where my kids can learn necessary skills and values (integrity and grit) in order to survive, and I want to instill belief that they can get through anything. I do my best to have fun with kids, to make good memories and solid foundation for their future lives. I want them to know they are loved and valued (always and forever). We don't know what the future holds, but I hope that if they have dark moments, they'll be able to reach back to their childhood and use the happiness and all the good stuff to give them strength.

I really want my kids to become decent human beings. I love them and I want them to be happy - but I absolutely expect them to not be selfish little pricks who think the world owes them something. I wouldn't want them to feel like they are responsible for my happiness or well-being, and I don't expect them to support me in my old age (but some help would be nice).

I am not sure where this is all going...  Relationships are complicated. Families are complicated. I want to have a family that, year after year, is able to have fun together... even if there are disagreements (politics! money!), even if we annoy each other... I want to be there for my kids and I want them to be there for me.