Wednesday, February 8, 2017

A Refugee in America. Part II.

Back to 1992. After the breakup of the USSR, things got rough. Everyone lost their savings in the early 90's. Economy was non-existent. I remember, how in the course of a year, the price of bread went up from  20 kopeck (cents) to 5 rubles (dollars). My family went from being fairly well-off, by Soviet standards, to nothing. 

You may have heard about stores with empty shelves during the 80's-early 90's, how hard it was to buy basic necessities (all true...). Early 90's in Latvia were a little different - there was a lot of stuff being imported, including food and clothing. We could afford almost nothing. 

When we lived in the Far East in the 80's, because of the deficits of - everything - my father received part of his salary as canned and dry goods. We had boxes and boxes of canned fish and meat, flour, sugar, and dry milk that pulled us through the three years, 1991 to 1994 in Latvia. We only had my mom's part-time job's salary (music teacher) to live on. Dad's military pension was in Belarus (in Belorussian currency known as "bunnies"). He calculated once that his monthly pension was enough to buy 20 loaves of bread. My parents decided to set that money aside as savings (whatever was left after dad supplemented his parents' pensions to pay for apartment and food). 

Don't get me wrong - I am not complaining. I never went hungry. I was sometimes cold, but that was because of fuel shortages ("extras" like running hot water got cut off first). Some people installed little stoves in their apartments that burned kerosin. We used a little space heater when things got rough in the winter (electricity was expensive). There were some inconveniences, but no more than that. We did not have a telephone. My parents never bought anything for themselves. I wore lots of hand-me-downs. Through it all, my parents payed for my private English lessons. We had it much easier than our family and friends in Ukraine (every time we came to visit, I felt like a rich little brat).

In  the fall of 1993, we got an invitation for an interview at the US Embassy in Moscow that would determine whether or not we would be granted the refugee status.

Fall 1993 in Moscow was the Russian Constitutional Crisis, the standoff between Yeltsin and the parliament. Tanks in the streets, tanks were firing shells at the government building, an attempt to take over the Ostankino broadcasting tower .. it was madness. Dad was unable to get a legal residency in Latvia and was staying in Belarus (there were also some weird guest visa issues, I don't remember details). Communication between my parents was spotty (remember - we had no phone; letters got lost half the time). My mother was going through the roof with worry. It was an absolute miracle and unbelievable luck that the crisis got resolved just  days before we arrived in Moscow for the interview. 

At the interview, we never got past the first question. Where do you live? Latvia and Belarus. Two countries? Are you divorced? No. Why don't you live in one country?  ....Because we can't. My father, as ex-military, couldn't get residency (equivalent of a green card) in Latvia . He could not work there. In 1993-1994, he needed  a visa if he wanted to come visit us. My mother and I were legal residents in Latvia, which meant that I could go to school and mom could work. However, we didn't receive citizenship because we were not ethnically Latvian and did not have immediate family who lived in Latvia prior to 1945. I could become a citizen if I married a Latvian citizen. My parents weren't enthusiastic about me marrying anyone at that point in time.

In Latvia, we had a place to live - an apartment on a former military base. We didn't own it, we payed rent - but somehow, my parents managed to put a claim on it, their names were assigned to that apartment. In Belarus, where my father lived, my mother couldn't get a citizenship. Because she wasn't born there. Remember, all these countries became independent, sort of, and established their own laws, their own currencies...  It was madness. Mom was married to my father, who was born in Belarus, but based on our understanding of Belorussian laws of that time, it would take something like 20 years before she could apply for citizenship. The biggest problem was - we had nowhere to live in Belarus. My father lived with his parents, in a small 1-bedroom apartment. Everyone was less than thrilled at the idea of all of us moving in together with grandma and grandpa's.

The embassy official who interviewed us looked confused. In the end, she granted us the refugee status. Mom and I went back to Latvia, and dad went back to Belarus. We would be allowed to bring 2 bags per person on the flight to the US. We were forced to become minimalists, to purge, to discard almost everything we owned. Some things we sold (piano, some books, furniture), some things we gave away (most books, music records, clothing), and some things got thrown out (I don't want to think about that). I stood on a street corner and sold stuff... fancy pencils and markers that I never used, books, random souvenirs, tea cups and fancy spoons... That was an interesting experience and more fun than I expected. It was kind of like a game, trying to figure out who was going to stop and look at what, who would pay without bargaining, and who would argue about the price (I was under orders from my parents to agree to whatever price people named). Best part - I got to keep the money. After currency exchange, I had about $5 - it was a start!

To be continued...

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A Refugee in America. Part I.

Recent political developments made me think about my family's past. We are refugees. We are lucky: we never had to live in a refugee camp. My parents and I never experienced war (I pray that neither I, nor my children, nor my children's children ever will).

There was a sequence of events that lead to a point of no return: the realization that my family had nothing left to loose except each other. That, in turn, led to the gargantuan decision - the decision to emigrate.

In the summer of 1991, we found ourselves in Latvia, a former republic of the USSR that declared its independence in 1990. Russia was just beginning to withdraw its military forces from the Baltic States. My parents were frantic with worry and were trying to figure out what to do next.

America first appeared on the horizon sometime in 1992, just a few months after the break up of the USSR.  My father had just retired from the army (he was a military doctor) and at that time he could still stay in Latvia without much difficulty. We lived in a comfortable 1-bedroom apartment on the territory of a soviet army base, outside a small town. All current and former soviet army personnel was labeled "occupants", although the local Latvian population never showed any animosity and were always helpful when my mom and I were learning Latvian language. My parents really wanted to stay there, but with new residency and citizenship laws it didn't look like we would be welcomed to remain in Latvia permanently.

There were no prospects for my parents in Russia. Or Ukraine. Or Belarus. We didn't have Russian citizenship (because we were in Latvia at the time the Soviet Union ceased to exist). My dad managed to get a Belorussian citizenship because he was born there and his parents still lived there. Based on our understanding of the laws at the time, it would have taken my mom something like 20 years before she could have applied for citizenship in Belarus. The whole thing was a circus...  Our family was split apart by newly-formed countries (each with their own currency, official language, and border patrol). I had a set of grandparents in Belarus, a set of grandparents in Ukraine, cousins in Latvia, Lithuania, and Russia. Visiting each other was becoming more and more difficult.

There was no easy way out. No matter where my parents would go - they would have to start from zero. Add the economic turmoil and loss of all savings... my parents had to start from zero without any sort of safety cushion. The future looked bleak. The future looked like there was nothing left to loose (financially speaking).

I don't remember if my parents ever asked my opinion about immigrating to the US. 
Do you want to go to the US? 
Do you want to go to Mars? 
Isn't it impossible? Or, at least, very very difficult? 
Is there even life on Mars?

US made no sense. US was made up of Fenimore Cooper, Jack London, O'Henry, Ray Bradbury and Arthur Clark. American school was described in "Up the Down Staircase" by Bella Kaufman. Together with episodes of "Saved by the Bell" - none of it made sense and I wondered if any of it was real. Perhaps the whole "America" was a figment of someone's imagination.

If my parents asked, I would have probably mentioned Israel. In 1991, my cousin who used to live in Riga (capital of Latvia) made aliyah to Israel, at the tender age of 18. She was  going to college, dating, hiking, learning Hebrew...  She had a life. She even sent us the summons necessary to start  our own aliyah (it also made my life quite miserable for  the next 2 years, but that's a different story). 

If my parents asked me, I would have said "Lets go to Israel. There is definitely life in Israel."

*****

I knew we had distant relatives in the US. My family, like most families, had its share of drama. In the early 1900s, my great-grandmother married against her parents' will. Her husband had a criminal record in Tsarist Russia: he was a communist and spent time in jail. The family disowned her and went to America. She stayed in Belarus and went on to have 7 children. 

Periodically, the American relatives tried to contact my family in the USSR. My grandfather ran into a bit of troubles in the 50's, when he received a parcel from the US and was nearly kicked out of the Communist Party for "fraternizing with the enemy". My grandfather did a smart thing that probably saved him from being arrested  - he delivered the package to the head of the local branch of the Communist Party, told him this package had nothing to do with him and this whole thing was a provocation from the "decaying West". 

What I never heard discussed was that one of my grandfather's sisters immigrated to the US sometime in the 70's or 80's. In 1992, she sent the summons to her little brother, enabling us to start the paperwork process. She passed away a few months before we came to the US, so, unfortunately, I never had the chance to meet her.

To be continued....

Friday, February 3, 2017

Five Reasons to Leave the Lab

Why do women (and men) leave academic science (pre-tenure)?

1. Science is not for everyone. It requires grit, stubbornness, ability to think strategically, thick skin, and passion.

2. Financial side: salaries for post-docs are decent (enough to live comfortably as long as you don't live in a super-expensive area and don't have expensive hobbies/multiple kids; if you do have kids, it helps to find affordable childcare or rely on family/spouse for childcare). However, lets face it: you could make MORE money elsewhere.

3. Funding: it is very tight and it is not getting better in the  near future*. It is really, really hard to get grants for your research (not impossible... just HARD). There has been a fundamental paradigm shift, with universities getting research money from pharmaceutical companies. On one hand, this is a wonderful opportunity for a number of labs (since the government money is drying up). On the other hand, there are plenty of caveats here. 

I can't help but wonder about the projects that end up being dropped... Pharma is going to fund projects that they hope will make them money. Novel therapeutics, novel drug targets for big-name diseases, novel medical devices. NIH grants also tend to favor disease-based applied science. What about all other science? Not the targeted science (lets find cure for XYZ), but the fuzzy, open-ended science. The "science for the sake of science" that is meant to help us understand how things work, be it on the protein, cellular, or whole-animal level? I am afraid that in our race to find novel ways to treat disease, we may miss some fundamental facts. In the long-term, that is going to be crippling to the scientific progress (and prevention/treatment of disease).

4. Health. Working with carcinogens, radioactive materials, foul chemicals - long term can add up to health issues. We all tend to get sloppy...

5. Work environment: egotistical, screaming colleagues who like to take all the credit (if you are really unlucky, that's your boss). 

To be fair, I've been extremely fortunate to have good mentors and to work with amazing scientists who had integrity, sense of humor, and willingness to share their knowledge and expertise. With one exception, I am so glad I got to know them!


*****************

There are countless reasons why different people would leave academic science and start a new career... It may have been an agonizing decision or the only way forward. One way or another, for many of us, it was time to move out (of the lab) and move on.

*Some of my colleagues ended up leaving the country instead of changing career paths. One, a brilliant crystallographer, got a professor positions at Nankai University (China). Another, a neurobiologist, got a  position at the University of Seoul (Korea). 

Thursday, February 2, 2017

The Best of Academia

What I loved ( and still miss) about academia

1. The people. The amazing, knowledgeable, sometimes quirky people from all over the world. I've worked with scientists from Brazil, China, France, Germany, Great Britain, Indonesia, India, Israel, Japan, Korea, Mexico, Russia, Taiwan,Turkey, Ukraine, US, Venezuela. The opportunity to get to know them has been a privilege and I am thankful for it. A few became close friends. One became my husband. 

2. Free access to most of the academic journals under the sun.

3. The Library. Big-name universities usually have amazing collections. Better than any public library  I've seen in the US so far (although I am very much in love with our local public library).

4. The "other-worldliness" of the ivory tower. I felt like my childhood wasn't really over as long as I stayed at a University. 
I still can't believe I am a grown up and will turn 40 this year, but somehow, being in the "real world" with a "real job" makes me feel like I should be a grown-up.

5. The snob-factor: I loved saying "I am a scientist in the department of xyz at such-and-such univeristy!" 


What is your favorite thing about your academic job?

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Positive Thinking vs Reality vs Pessimism... What's Worse?

I come from a family where admitting that you are happy or hopeful about something meant you were inviting a disaster. The way to prevent this possible disaster from striking you down was to immediately downplay the good and point out the not-so-good.

If I said: "Mom, I am really good at math!"
The response was: "Tfu, tfu, tfu over the left shoulder! Knock on wood! Now if only you could be more organized!"

If I said "Mom, I think I am going to win this competition"
The response was: "Well, okay... just don't be upset if you don't. If only you would keep your room clean..."

If I say "Mom, my daughter is doing great in school!"
The response is "Good for her! Now if only she would start eating meals like a normal person..."

My mom is a wonderful person and a very good mother. She has, however, developed a talent for seeing the worst in everything (what's the opposite of silver lining?). This eternal forced pessimism drives me mad. No matter how wonderful, how beautiful, how amazing things are - she'll find something negative. The scary thing is - I think she is actually an optimist by nature... but she trained herself to be a pessimist, she practically cocoons herself in it. She is getting worse, too. I certainly don't remember her being such a negativity-seeker when she was in her 30's and 40's.

I understand it - this magical thinking. We have so little control over the most important things in life (health, getting pregnant, life/death, to name a few) that engaging in magical thinking make one feel just a tiny bit more in control. As long as you think about bad things and point them out to everyone else, they will not happen. E is sneezing... Oh no!!!! He will surely end up with yet another ear infection! Bragging and/or feeling proud of good things means they will never happen again. Unless you somehow downplay/twist them. H is playing very nicely with C, but surely it will not last more than a couple of minutes.

I assumed that I would be so different than my mother, so much better. 

Ha.  Ha-ha.

I am just like her. I always think about the worst-case scenario (well... sometimes, it makes me feel better when I know what's the worst I can expect). I look at my husband and see faults and problems. I look at our kids and I worry about drug addiction, anorexia, and trouble of every kind (this, in turn, drives my husband nuts). 

*******

I used to be a part-time optimist (hope for the best, prepare for the worst). Now I am not sure anymore...  All I see ahead of me is aging, piling up health problems, loss of loved ones, and death (not necessary in that order). I think this is the mid-life crisis...  

******

There is this truism: everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Will pessimism prepare me for failure? Because sometimes, failure is inevitable. Does pessimism make it easier to bear failure? If you expect to fail, then is your failure actually a success because you have fulfilled the expectation? You can give yourself a pat on the back and say "Yup, I knew this was going to happen! Oh well, time to move on." Sometimes, failure precedes being good at something - so unless you (pessimistically) are prepared to fail and expect to fail, you can never succeed. Twisted logic, isn't it - doesn't it make sense, though?

********

 I want to be too involved in my life to worry about the general outlook. I want to enjoy what I am doing and the people I am spending time with. I don't want to be pessimistic, optimistic, or realistic. I just want to be alive.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Perfect Mom I'll Never Be

Here comes the Perfect Mom...


  • She is always patient. Always. She speaks in a quiet voice and never, ever yells. She patiently explains to and reasons with her child(ren). She is calm and does not loose her temper. She never gets MAD at her kids. 

  • She does not order her kids around, but asks/explains/reasons to get them to do the right thing. She is always loving and has unlimited stores or cuddles/hug/kisses to give out. 

  • She plays with her child(ren) frequently. She reads and discusses books with them. 

  • Her kids always have their clothing perfectly pressed (and stain-free, of course). 

  • She allows her children to grow up and gives them space, as needed. She is always happy to support them but lets them make their own choices (and mistakes). 

  • She always stands up for her children and defends them, when needed (and she can easily determine when the situation requires her intervention and when children should be left alone to figure things out by themselves).

  • Children are very, very important to this perfect mom, but she also has a life/hobbies of her own, so that she doesn't need to live through her kids. She is an interesting person and children (of any age) spend time with her because they want to, not because they have to.



If I can just get through that first bullet point, just for ONE day.... 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Kids and Career: the Good Stuff



  • Having kids made me braver and more willing to take on something new (after all - I have to set a good example). 
  • Having kids provides a much-needed relieve from stress at work (I can't worry about work-related stuff and play 4-in-a-row at the same time), as well as perspective (things that used to be all-consuming are just a fraction of my life). 
  • Kids also made me realize the importance of a good salary and of getting fairly compensated for the amount of work put in. 

I am a scientist by training, and back in the undergrad days, my hopes included having my own lab - preferably in a big-name research institution. I didn't really think about getting married, kids, or any such nonsense.The tenure-track jobs lost their appeal 3/4 into graduate school. But that was okay - I loved working in a lab, I loved science, I was perfectly happy and content doing research in academia as a postdoc and then as a research associate. I cut down my hours from whatever crazy schedule I kept in graduate school to relatively set work days with only occasional work on the weekend. I wanted to spend time with friends, read science-unrelated books, and enjoy science-free evenings and weekends.


Then kids happened... The one thing that became progressively more important with the birth of each child was money. I was not making all that much money. Pre-kids, I could care less - I didn't have expensive tastes/hobbies. I was living happily within my means and demanding a raise felt petty and ridiculous (I did what I loved! Money was boring!).

With 3 kids - well, it is a little different. When I go to work, I feel that my time is precious - I need to use it well and then I want to be well-paid for the hard work! Especially because I want to be able to afford good-quality childcare while I am at work (higher price tag doesn't always come with best quality, but usually there is some correlation between what you pay and what you get). Then there are all these things that are not necessary, but still nice to be able to afford - travel, theater, museums, a house cleaning service, going to the shore, a house with a big yard in a quiet neighborhood with good schools.... 


I ended up doing what we call in Russia "fint ushami" (the closest English analog I can think of: an unexpected turnaround in midair). After more than 15 years of hard-core academic research, I got out of my comfort zone and got a job as a medical writer.

So here I am... I do miss lab research and academia, but... The pay is significantly better and there is the flexibility of working from home if I need to. The job is challenging, there is constantly new stuff to learn, and I like the people I work with.


If you are in a line of work that you like well enough but that is not the best fit at present - what would be the last straw? What would make you do "fint ushami?"