There is an insane amount of pressure on the parents. To always be there for their kids. To always be loving, supportive, and patient.
Even when kids are being little turds. It's one thing when they are cute and want to give you a hug. It's a completely different thing when they talk back, yell at you, and constantly demand things.
You can't be too permissive - that's bad parenting. But you can't be too strict, either (that's bad parenting, too). You have to "connect", you have to show compassion and understanding. You have to be firm... but not too firm. Loving, but still setting safe boundaries.
We are supposed to be super-human. Never losing temper, never just "losing it". "Losing it" is a failure as a parent. Traumatizing your kids. Setting a bad example. Bad parenting.
We are expected to internalize anger - our own and our children's'. We are supposed to suck it up - exhaustion, sleep deprivation, frustration, stress, worries.
There are unrealistic standards we are setting for ourselves. We are setting ourselves up to fail.
These are unrealistic standards that we are showing to our kids. Is this what we want to teach them - parents have to be perfect? That our mistakes are failures - of character, of wisdom, of parenting ability?
I was angry today. Not in a lose-my-mind angry way, just angry in an annoyed kind of way. My daughter baked cupcakes for her friends. She also served them juice. When she was cleaning up, she accidentally spilled some juice over the kitchen floor. Not a big deal, right - she just took some paper towels and cleaned up the big spill.
But... she didn't do a very good job cleaning up. When I came down after finishing my work, the floor was sticky... I hate sticky floor. It was driving me bonkers.
So what would a good parent do?
a) Mopping the floor myself - because she is only 11, and we can't expect her to do a good job cleaning up herself.
b) Yelling at the kid until she cleans it up better.
c)"Connect" and say something like "Sweetie, I see that you cleaned up the spill. But you missed a few spots - can you please grab a mop and we can quickly make the floor un-sticky?"
So... no brainer there, option C, right? Her are the problems: the said child is in her room and has no desire to come down. I am trying to make dinner and I don't have time (or energy... or, after a trying day at work, patience) to tip-toe with all the "Oh, sweetie, I completely understand that you don't want to do this right now. Now let's find a solution to this little sticky problem."
Gah. I hate parent-book speak.
In retrospect, it's easy to see the right path. In the moment, there is no path, just frustration.
She did mop up the floor. I didn't have to nag, or beg, or yell, or use 542 words (instead of just 2: MOP! NOW). I think I said something along the lines that I hated the sticky floor, and it was really annoying me. I may have repeated that a couple of times. I guess my kids know, by now, my expectation: that if they are capable of baking and pouring juice, they are capable of cleaning up the dishes and spills.
I thanked her for mopping. I will also mention to her that the cupcakes look delicious and that I was really impressed how she cleaned up most things.
I am still angry.
Not at anyone in particular - just angry at all the stupid unsolicited parenting advice out there.
