Friendships

I miss having deep friendships.

Most people I used to spend time with before having kids have fell off my radar (or I fell of their radar... it goes both ways). My college friendships all fell away except for 1 friend that I talk to a couple of times a year. I didn't become terribly close with anyone during grad school (well, except for my future husband) - and even though I am still in touch with a few people through Facebook, we don't talk and I rarely see them because people are all over the world. Every once in a while, I get to see one of my old friends - and it's really a treat, but then it's over and we drift apart again.

I have many acquaintances - neighbors, other moms and dads from school and daycare, people at work. We meet, we chat, we talk about our kids... and that's about it.

I need more. I want to find people who are into the same things as I am, people who are passionate and curious, people who make me think and re-evaluate, people who are fun to discover new things with. These people are around me - I just need to invest the time in getting to know them.

Friendships can not be forced. I know some wonderful women that I would love to spend more time with but we don't  have that magic "click" - and probably never will. They prefer to spend time with other people because they have more in common and they share some core attitude (interest? philosophy? sense of humor? sense of style?) that I lack. When that realization hits me - "they'd rather be friends with someone else" - there is a twinge of pain, but I've been through this so many times that I can shake it off and tell myself "ah well, they are still a nice person to know and chat with occasionally, but that's where it ends, for the time being".

 Friendships need time and emotional energy. My friends in college - we spent hours talking. I really felt for them - whatever they were going through, I was willing to feel their joy and their pain. Sometimes I wonder if I am truly up to doing it now. After all, there is so much I want to do with my kids and my husband that I am not doing because, you know, "not enough time" and all that. Do I really want to take away that time from my family and sink it into friendships that may or may not work out? And then, of course, when one gets emotionally invested, one can get really burned. And I don't mean pseudo-friends purposefully hurting us. I mean - s**t happens. It's one thing when it happens to people we barely know. It's a whole different beast when something horrible happens to people we deeply care about. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

I can't have a deep friendship without being emotionally close to the other person... and the potential fallout frightens me. Because I have enough of my own locked-away demons. Because if I take in someone else's demons, that just may push me over the edge and into despair - and my family, my kids will suffer. I know I am not explaining this well enough - I am sorry. This is something that I will need to think about more, on a sunny day, with a pile of dark chocolate next to me.

I know that the older we get, the harder it is to make close friends. Perhaps it's a losing battle I am fighting. Then again - I've always been a loner and making friends never came easy. But, at every stage of my life, I managed to find a "kindred spirit" - and having that one friend made all the difference in the world. Those friendships were sometimes completely unexpected, always took time, and warm my heart to this day, even if the person is gone.