Gifts of in-between moments

I'm learning how to take advantage of the "in-betweens".  The little bits of time while waiting for something... the school bus, the water to boil - that sort of thing.  Those few minutes here and there that often go unnoticed and unaccounted for.  The difficult thing is, the exact length of time is usually unpredictable - the school bus might be early or late.  At the same time, the informality of these bits of time can be a powerful thing.  Last Thursday, my son and I talked a bit about mean kids and why they are like that. His bus was running late, and the subject just popped up.  I find this subject rather difficult and awkward - I never know what's the right thing to say. But during those extra minutes, I didn't stress about the perfect parenting...  we just talked, while waiting for the bus.

In these little tidbits of time I find myself scribbling on random pieces of paper, looking through the newspaper, making daily list of chores for the kids...  

Here are a few more micro-tasks that come to mind:

• Ask kids what they think about xyz
• Play with kids
• Mini-cleanup
• Send quick emails or texts
• Take a couple of pictures
• Look through Science or Nature headlines
• Look around and enjoy the current season
• Pull weeds

Maybe best of all, these in-betweens can be for daydreaming... ahh, the joys of daydreaming!  

These little moments, they are like gifts - often unexpected and can be very pleasant.

What do you do while waiting for the bus?

Late night thoughts of an exhausted parent

I have 3 children. Sometimes, it seems... unbelievable. A cognitive dissonance: I know I'm a mom and I know these three are mine, and yet, this parenting thing feels so surreal. Sometimes, I feel like it's not really my life.  I have no clue about what to do with the kids.  I feel disconnected.

No, I am not depressed. Actually, I feel quite happy (most of the time).

It's just that parenting is hard. And the older the kids get, the more difficult it is to be a good parent (whatever that may be).

My youngest is nearly 9 months. I love this stage and have done my best to treasure every moment of her baby-hood. In fact, I find it the easiest to be a mom to a baby. A baby is so small, incredibly cute, oh-so-easy to make happy: cuddling and nursing does the trick.

Babies don't throw temper tantrums.
Babies don't refuse to wear outfit A..and B... and C.
Babies don't whine or demand STUFF
Babies don't make faces or use annoying voices
Babies never, ever test your authority

Babies are cute and cuddly.
They are quick to laugh
Mommy (aka, food supply) is all they need to be happy
Things are simple: babies eat, sleep, poop, play... and repeat.
When they fuss - there is a reason; it is not some attempt at control and manipulation

I admit, I've been very, very lucky: all three kids were/are mellow babies. I've been spared from dealing with the grumpy/colicky/inconsolable types.

No, there is no sleeping through the night - I am not THAT lucky - at least one, and usually two kids do wake up at random times, but I can live with that. However, there is a chance that the sleep deprivation may have something to do with the feelings of surrealism... maybe.

What is your favorite age group to parent?

Amazing things to do - Fall

Apple picking.

I find it to be incredibly therapeutic. Just being outside on a beautiful fall day - that's amazing enough. Plus, the kids are busy and having fun. Plus, you get a full box of apples. And not just any old apples: you get to choose your favorite variety (we love Stayman Winesap, Granny Smith, Pink Lady and Honeycrisp) and you get to pick the best of the best.

There is something magical about apple picking. Some trees are laden with apples, their branches weighed down, so you feel it a relief to pick at least a few apples. With other trees, it is like a game. At first, you can't see a single fruit and it takes some squinting and some side to side movement to spy a perfect apple. Then, all of a sudden, you see another...and another. It is so hard to stop. There is always another tree, another apple, one that looks even better, redder, rounder. And the kids, gently pulling apples, crunching on apples, putting apples in the box, pulling the old-fashioned wagon, "Mom, I found the biggest one... Look at me, I'm pulling the wagon with all the apples... We are going to make applesauce, and apple cake, and apple crisp, and..."

And then, there is the challenge of getting the apples to the car. With the three kids. One strapped to me, the other two, while somewhat obedient, are still young enough to require constant supervision. There is that box of apples - heavy and awkward - but "no wagon beyond this point". Almost always, there is a kind soul that helps me. Just receiving help from total strangers without asking - that's worth a lot, and makes me happy and hopeful about the world around me.

Do you go to "pick your own" orchards? What do you like picking the best?

Happiness of a memory

It is fall. Leaves are turning and falling. We have the heat on. The other day, the kids were wild, jumping into a pile of leaves. They raked some, their hands tiny on the grown-up rakes. Then jumped, smashing the dry leaves, screaming, laughing. I joined them, bringing C along - just for a bit. Fixed up a nice big pile. Then ran and jumped. There was a satisfying "whoosh" and "crunch". We showered leaves on each other. C was fascinated by the dry leaves. She kept grabbing them, opening and closing her fingers, her face - sometimes in a frown- showing the concentration, the intensity... She laughed when we tickled her with the leaves or sprinkled them over her. The TV was forgotten. The dinner was forgotten.

Raking leaves is a thankless job-in half an hour, more leaves are on the ground, completely obliterating your work. And yet, here are the piles, showing I was here today, working hard, fighting entropy and winning, at least for a few hours.

Being in the leaves with the kids reminded me - this is what I want. Little things, little moments. Forget about the mess, the particles stuck in everyone's hair. This is what the kids wanted, their mom being wild with them. This is what I want to remember. And yet... it does not make me happy ... but it is something that I will remember and think fondly about. Strange, isn't it. Some things that make me happy right now, I will not remember or think much about beyond tomorrow (a mystery novel... a piece of chocolate). Other things, I have to make an effort to enjoy, and that will be the stuff that I will be happy to remember.

What do you want to do this fall?

Screen time madness

I consider myself "everything in moderation" type of person.  Yet, when it comes to young children, I am very much anti-TV and anti-electronics. I understand that there are excellent educational programs/games available.  There is time (and place) for everything, including computer games, movies, cartoons and whatever the wonders of technology throw our way.  I just don't feel they are all that important for our children's development or well-being.  So, I have been limiting the kids "screen" time very harshly (compared to other families we know). Here are a few reasons.

1. My kids turn into zombies - truly, a frightening sight.

2. My son (who is 5) watches movies/cartoons at his daycare. I hate this - because I have no control over what has been shown to him. I've brought this up with the teacher, but she says "oh, they are educational videos... and sometimes we have movie days" sounds fine, but that's not the story I get from my son (who, by now, is familiar with all things Disney).

3. *Disclaimer: I know Disney has some excellent movies/animation films for kids.  This is just a vent.*
I hate Disney. It is an evil empire. They are not interested in producing high quality, artistic films for children. They are interested in making money. It is all about what can (or cannot) make profit.  I hate the annoying side-kicks they put into almost all of their films.  I hate the princesses.  I hate the dumbing down of the classic stories (kids are perceptive and smart!  don't treat them like idiots!).  I hate the liberties they take with certain fairy tales ("The little mermaid" with a happy end?  Really????).

4. I love watching my kids play. I love how they can use their imagination. Why put them in front of TV (or hand them a tablet) when they can pretend the table is a carriage... or a house... or a rocket... Way more valuable than anything they can learn from the screen.

5. My kids are young (5 and 3). There will be plenty of time for electronics when they are older.

6. I don't want them to miss out on exploring and experimenting - with blocks, pots, sticks. I want them to know - there is a whole world outside, amazing and beautiful, and it is THEIRS.

Here is what we do and what we get:
Friday is our movie night.  Kids get to pick a video/cartoon to watch (they have to agree on something).  My husband and I try to join them at least for a little bit (usually, I spend this time making dinner).  This is it.  The kids know the drill.  They look forward to Friday night and discuss what movie or cartoon they want to watch.  If our daughter starts asking to see a movie on any other day, our son tells her "Today is not Friday!".  The rest of the week, the kids are content playing, dancing, listening to music and reading books.

Their grandparents are a lot more lenient when it comes to screen time and are usually happy to let the kids snuggle on the sofa and watch some movies.  I am ok with that, but guess what happens...  the moment the kids get inside the grandparents house, they start begging for TV...  Toys, cousins, snow outside - nothing can compete with the magic of the screen.  When we go back to our house - it is back to our normal routine and kids are back to their wonderful, happy, self-sufficient selves.

Sometimes I wonder if we are over-doing it.  Perhaps, if we would let them watch their fill at home, they wouldn't be as screen-crazy...  Maybe, by denying them a "Dora" DVD, we are turning it into a "forbidden fruit" and making it all the more enticing and wonderful...  I guess, like with most parenting issues, there is no right or wrong path and I just have to do my best and follow my intuition.  The intuition screams "TURN THE TV OFF!!!"

Once our third child is born (yes, we are expecting another baby!!!!), I will be staying home with all three kids for a few months.  I have a sneaky feeling the kids will be getting significantly more than one hour a week of movies...  Is there a way to keep two preschoolers occupied and happy all day long without resorting to plunking them in front of a screen... while staying relatively sane and taking care of a newborn? You know, all this electronic stuff is so recent....  Our great-grandmothers managed without computers and TV's (and often had a lot more than 3 kids...).

So, how do you do it?

Not-so-natural parenting

I never expected parenting to be this hard. And I don't mean the physical vigors - the sleepless nights, the never ending colds that the kids pass on to me, the running-after-the-toddler, the brute strength that's required to move a tantrum-throwing 3-year old from the road to a sidewalk. All that I can deal with. What is hard for me? Let's see, first would be the sheer weight of the responsibility for the well-being of my children. Then add the constant need to change, adjust and improve the parenting skills to try to catch up with growing and changing kids. Finally, throw into the mix the talking/explaining/teaching - I'll clarify what I mean in a minute.

 The hardest part - the responsibility - involves the decisions that I am required to make - and knowing that these decisions are likely to affect my children's future. Choosing a school district (does it have to be the absolute best? or would something slightly less stellar but with more affordable housing be better for our family long-term?); deciding whether or not the kids should take music/dance/art/sports lessons and finding the teacher; deciding whether or not we should make our kids work hard on music/dance/art/sports even when they don't feel like it or just let them quit; choosing daycare (more affordable but not exactly what I want or the Montessori preschool that I love and that will cost my entire monthly income); to continue limiting movies/computer to the point my kids think watching a cartoon or playing a game is an absolute treat or just relax and make it part of their daily routine. Part of the problem is, of course, that I feel ambivalent about some things (not TV... hate that thing!). There are all these choices that I make for my children while they are young, but I know that soon I will need to let them make their own choices. And then, should I - or should I not - let the children make mistakes?

As if all that is not enough to make my head sping, I have to react - fast! - to challenges in an appropriate, scream-free manner. I have to be consistent and follow through on my promises (and threats). I have to be a parent even when I am absolutely exhausted, sick, under stress... when all I want to do is hide under a blanket with a book and yet - there is this responsibility (or burden?) of having to be a GOOD parent, no matter what.

There is another aspect of parenting I find extremely difficult. Kids grow and change FAST. What works today will no longer work tomorrow. Yesterday's crisis is an absolute non-issue today. It seems that only last week we had a terrible time with our younger daughter biting and hitting us. Nothing seemed to help. These days? Well, she still does, occasionally, hit her brother, but other than that - NOTHING! Magically, it seems, the biting/hitting era has ended. It certainly wasn't anything we did. But does it mean things got easier? No!!!!! Because now she uses "bad" words. And I have no clue how to deal with it. Or, rather, I've tried a few things and all of them failed to one extent or another. On one hand, my mantra is "This, too, will pass". On the other hand, I feel absolutely inadequate as a parent.

Parenting just does not come naturally to me. Experience helps, to an extent. I find that each child is so different that what worked with my first-born is of absolutely no help in dealing with my second. In fact, my second child often puts me into a stupor because the challenges that arise with her weren't even part of my vocabulary with #1. I know there are some parents out there who intuitively know how to deal with many things their kids throw at them, who are intuitively good at holding infants, who intuitively know how to talk to kids...  They are just so natural... My maternal intuition must be taking an extended nap.

Parenting is hard. The kids are always changing, you are always hit with something unexpected, you are always put "on the spot" and have to be fast-thinking. How many times have I done something (punished, not punished, etc) and a few hours later it was crystal clear to me - that was the wrong thing to do! Consistency is hard. One day I might be extra-tired or in an extra-bad mood, so I tend to over-react to little things. Other days, I ignore the big things.

I know I don't talk to my kids enough - I am just not much of a talker. I love watching my kids play. I love reading to my kids. I love taking my kids out on hikes, to the library, apple picking. I love simply watching my kids, letting them do their own thing... But talking to kids non-stop, constantly running a commentary on the world around us, delving into lengthy explanations about why something is wrong or right... I just don't know if I can ever be that kind of a parent.  This is the "talking/explaining" dilemma I mentioned earlier. When other parents talk to their one-year old: " look at this pretty yellow flower! Oh, see that boy's shirt? It is orange - so bright and happy", - on one hand it makes me jealous, on the other hand it makes me cringe. Verbally describing every single object around me feels... unnatural. Perhaps, that's why my kids started talking relatively late. This is a big part why I find parenting to be so extraordinary difficult - it involves so much talking! Way more talking than what is comfortable for me. Yeah, I know, parenting is not about parental comforts :) But I do wish I could just toss some books at my kids and they'll learn the values/colors/calculus with minimal verbal input from me.

What do you struggle with the most when it comes to parenting?

On Being a Minimalist

First of all, a full disclosure: I am not a minimalist. I have STUFF. Too much STUFF. But there are many days, when I really feel like getting rid of everything, except for bare necessities. One fork per person. We can all eat from the same pot.... just think, there would be almost NO DISHES to do!!!

My minimalist wanna-be completely breaks down when it comes to books. I love books. Even though I have an e-reader that I use a lot, I can't seem to let go of physical books... shelves upon shelves of books... I hardly ever read them, they gather dust and take up space, but oh, I love them so... I have some books from my Grandmother (she brought these to the US from Ukraine back in 1995). They are good books: volumes of Pushkin and Kuprin. Yes, I can get all of these on-line for free.... but it will not be the same, you see, my Grandmother owned these books, she held them and read them (and so did my Grandfather, so so did their children). I have books that my parents and I brought with us when we immigrated in 1994... They are special: out of hundreds and hundreds of books that we had, we chose a few select ones to take with us. The rest were sold or given away. I have books from college that I remember picking out at second-hand bookstores. I have old textbooks that probably will never be used again - but I just can't throw them out... that would be too much like Fahrenheit 451. And then, there is my husband and his books. My husband, who never throws anything out... We even have some doubles. "Master and Margarita". Mine is in Russian, his is in English. Brothers Karamazovi - again, in two languages. Ulysses... both in English... we haven't agreed on whose copy is superior and gets to stay on the bookshelf.

Children's books - I have a passion for children's literature and I just keep buying more. It is like an addiction. Perhaps, I will manage to sift through the collection and donate books we never read or that we got as gifts and I happen to strongly dislike (there are some really bad baby books out there).

Books are pretty much my only weakness when it comes to worldly possessions. I don't care much for clothing, electronics or jewelry. I can happily live without fancy china or silver. I am more than happy to donate or sell all of the above if I know someone will use it and enjoy it more than I do. But books... who is going to love my books the way I do?

Do you prefer an e-reader or leafing through the pages of a physical book? Does having a large collection of books make you happy? Do you keep your old books from your childhood - and do your kids read them?