Back to School

 All 3 kids started school today, September 1! 

I wish they would start on September 1st every year - new months, new beginning... just seems like a good way to start a school year instead of a random day in August or September that changes every year.

I have complicated feelings.

This is our son's last year in high school. Also, he is turning 18 in a few weeks.

I am so excited for him. I am so preparing-to-be heartbroken (you know that feeling, when you are happy but you know it will end and you will feel very, very sad? I wish there was a better word in English than bitter-sweet to describe the feeling of expecting to feel very sad). For a long time, I've had this countdown in my head to when the kids would graduate from high school and start their own life. 

It reminds me of the countdown I had after I gave birth to our first child. I had 12 weeks of "leave of absence" - maternity leave. And I kept counting down to when I would need to leave my baby... 11 weeks.. 9 weeks... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... game over. I thought it would be THE END. Of course, it wasn't. It was a big adjustement (for me... baby E was perfectly content to stay home with grandparents), but it actually worked out really well. I don't know if I had postpartum depression, but there was definitely something off. I felt so disconnected from everyone, it was like nothing existed except for my baby. Going back to work, it was so good to remember that I was a scientist, a human, a friend... all those things that I completely ignored while being absorbed in feeding/changing/gazing at my baby during his first few weeks. Not sleeping was terrible, but that's a subject for another post altogether.

So anyway, being away from my infant son wasn't the end of anything.

I am beginning to think that kids' graduation from high school will not be THE END, either. A change, for sure, but not the end of parenting. I look around at families with post-highschool kids... some work and live at home, some go to college but come home during breaks. Some come back home after college while they are figuring out what they are doing next or to save money while pursuing advanced degrees - C's cello teacher's daughter lived at home during her first few months of medical school (and then decided to live on campus because the commute was more painful than the cost of living on her own). My cousin, who has 3 kids, all in college or grad school, says parenting has entered another stage: it's more supportive listening and less giving advice. 

As much as I want to hold on to the kids, I also want them to thrive and be free to pursue their hopes and dreams. I do hope E goes to college of his choice next year. I do hope he and his sisters can explore, and try new things, and fail, and succeed, and have the grit and the fortitude to do the things they love. Meaning - this very well could be the last year all 3 kids are living at home full-time. 

This means, I need to prioritize family game nights. And family movies. And spend 1:1 time with E.

E's Senior year, it snuck up on me...

Dear Reader: are you counting down to anything?