Angry About Lilies

 I've been so looking forward to our tiger lilies blooming...

We have quite a few, growing in our back yard. Last year, the deer ate all the flower stalks before they ever had the chance to open.

This morning, C yelled from the bathroom - "Deer in the yard!"

Someone forgot to close the gates...  a mama and a fawn were grazing and wondering about the place. The lilies - blooms still tightly closed - all gone. 

So angry. So, so upset.

I was trying to figure out why I felt such powerful fury at something that's so... well, let's face it, trivial. Flowers. Yes, pretty, but it's not like we are going to starve... or loose our home... or be ill...  In the grand scheme of things, this is a trifle of a thing.

And yet, I felt extreme fury.

Was it because I felt so powerless?

Was it because I should have checked the gates last night?

Was it because someone else messed up and did not close the gates properly (even though they claimed the did...)?

I feel like I am ready to move on. Maybe I'll buy some other flowering plants. Maybe I'll add some more hanging baskets.

But I mourn the beauty that could have been and now will not happen until next year (if we ever manage to keep the idiotic deer out of the yard).

A little dramatic? Yes, perhaps. 

I am still upset. But I am ready to move on.

Weekend Report

 Friday night:

• H planned and took care of a party for neighborhood kids earlier in the day - it involved cupcakes, cupcake decorating, treasure hunt (she had clues hidden all over) - she was not 100% happy with it...
• Our 3 kids watched part of the LOTR The Two Towers
• Husband took the kids to the pool - and I had some blissful alone time (kids didn't have school that day)

Saturday:

• Friend's Bat Mitzvah 
• E and my mom practiced to get ready for the recital
• Piles of laundry
• Kids watched the rest of the Two Towers
• Husband and I went for a walk in the neighborhood
• Baked beet bread
• Husband took care of food shopping.
• Youngest played with neighbors. A lot.
• H & C had a very public and dramatic sister fight (I think C was hungry and over-tired from staying up too late and reading)

Sunday:

• Neighbors came over for breakfast. Kids played. Grown-ups talked. 
• E's recital - he did great. It is such a gift to watch E and my mom play together.
• We went into town, got some snacks, and hung out at the playground for a bit.
• H and C had a piano guild party hosted by their teacher.
• E watched one of recent James Bond movies.
• Husband and I did some yard work.

Angry about Parenting

 There is an insane amount of pressure on the parents. To always be there for their kids. To always be loving, supportive, and patient. 

Even when kids are being little turds. It's one thing when they are cute and want to give you a hug. It's a completely different thing when they talk back, yell at you, and constantly demand things.

You can't be too permissive - that's bad parenting. But you can't be too strict, either (that's bad parenting, too). You have to "connect", you have to show compassion and understanding. You have to be firm... but not too firm. Loving, but still setting safe boundaries.

We are supposed to be super-human. Never losing temper, never just "losing it". "Losing it" is a failure as a parent. Traumatizing your kids. Setting a bad example. Bad parenting.

We are expected to internalize anger - our own and our children's'. We are supposed to suck it up - exhaustion, sleep deprivation, frustration, stress, worries. 

There are unrealistic standards we are setting for ourselves. We are setting ourselves up to fail.

These are unrealistic standards that we are showing to our kids. Is this what we want to teach them - parents have to be perfect? That our mistakes are failures - of character, of wisdom, of parenting ability?

I was angry today. Not in a lose-my-mind angry way, just angry in an annoyed kind of way. My daughter baked cupcakes for her friends. She also served them juice. When she was cleaning up, she accidentally spilled some juice over the kitchen floor. Not a big deal, right - she just took some paper towels and cleaned up the big spill.

But... she didn't do a very good job cleaning up. When I came down after finishing my work, the floor was sticky... I hate sticky floor. It was driving me bonkers.

So what would a good parent do?

a) Mopping the floor myself - because she is only 11, and we can't expect her to do a good job cleaning up herself.

b) Yelling at the kid until she cleans it up better.

c)"Connect" and say something like "Sweetie, I see that you cleaned up the spill. But you missed a few spots - can you please grab a mop and we can quickly make the floor un-sticky?"

So... no brainer there, option C, right? Her are the problems: the said child is in her room and has no desire to come down. I am trying to make dinner and I don't have time (or energy... or, after a trying day at work, patience) to tip-toe with all the "Oh, sweetie, I completely understand that you don't want to do this right now. Now let's find a solution to this little sticky problem."

Gah. I hate parent-book speak.

In retrospect, it's easy to see the right path. In the moment, there is no path, just frustration.

She did mop up the floor. I didn't have to nag, or beg, or yell, or use 542 words (instead of just 2: MOP! NOW). I think I said something along the lines that I hated the sticky floor, and it was really annoying me. I may have repeated that a couple of times. I guess my kids know, by now, my expectation: that if they are capable of baking and pouring juice, they are capable of cleaning up the dishes and spills.

I thanked her for mopping. I will also mention to her that the cupcakes look delicious and that I was really impressed how she cleaned up most things. 

I am still angry.

Not at anyone in particular - just angry at all the stupid unsolicited parenting advice out there.

Random Observations

• Just a few more days of school left. Kids are in no mood for homework or practicing their instruments.
• Our persimmon tree got quite a few bloom! First time ever!
• There was a bunny in our garden yesterday. We need to fortify the walls, obviously. I found a place where it dug under the fence.
• I took C for a walk to a local arboretum. It was wonderful! 
• Local pool is having problem with lifeguards - that's going to really suck if they can't keep it open this summer!!!
• I miss going to concerts and museums. Hoping to find a few opportunities to do this sort of thing this summer.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

 Big kids had award ceremonies at the middle school. E got 2 (science and orchestra) and H got 1 (language art - she won the local Young Author award).

I was running late - I sprinted into the auditorium as the principal was getting started on his congratulatory speech. It was semi-dark, and I was so hyper-focused on finding an empty seat that I completely missed a giant sign in the middle of the aisle. I spied an empty seat and went for it. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was in the student section (that was the sign!), sitting next to a very loud 7th grader. It was like being suddenly in a zoo - but not on the visitors side. 

I am so glad I am not in middle school and that I never have to attend middle school... 

But at the same time - it was kind of neat to see (yes, annoying and loud) teens resisting the authority of the teachers and the principal. It was pretty obvious that the annoying behavior was aimed at the authority, and not other students. This kid sitting next to me - clapping extra-loudly at random times during the principal's address - I was annoyed at the time, but now that I am sitting in my comfortable (quiet) home - he was trying to be a rebel. And that's normal. That's part of growing up, of testing the limits of how much you can get away with, of poking the authority to see: are they really as powerful as they make themselves out to be? 

It was the same in my day...

I keep hearing (and  thinking) how much these kids today are spoiled, undisciplined, privileged, and lazy. What I saw today - they are the same as we were.

But... speaking of undisciplined and lazy... the lifeguard did not show up at the neighborhood pool today, and the kids and I were super disappointed because we were really hoping to jump into the pool. We even brought friends with us! ugh. 

Hits and Misses: Spring 2022

• Young Musician Orchestra recital (E) - that was great. Our family and friends were able to attend in-person.
• Young Musicians Orchestra auditions for next year (E) - he said he did great; E really wants to be the concert master for next year.
• School orchestra recital (E) - very fun, attended in person.
• School orchestra adjudication trip & amusement park (E) - total miss, E was home with covid.
• Bar Mitzvah (E) - we were able to have services in-person, but some people (including dad) were only able to join virtually (because covid).
• E did track and field at school, he had fun. That's all done now.
• C and E did soccer (intramural, local club, weekly games) - all done.
• H did gymnastics and was invited to join the team. We are thinking about it.
• I signed up to volunteer at C's field day. Couldn't do it because of covid.
• Piano Guild - that's today - was supposed to be H and C, but C is home with covid, so just H is going.
• Harry Potter exhibit: H was supposed to go with a friend a couple of weeks ago. Cancelled because the friend got covid.
• Yevgeniy Kissin concert: I REALLY wanted to go, but... just couldn't make myself commit to buying tickets.
• 
  

Coming up: 

• 3 field trips for all 3 kids next week! C would be just out of quarantine and should be able to do it as long as she is feeling OK (she has no symptoms other than occasional stuffy nose so far).
• Violin recital for E in a little over a week; mom is going to accompany him. Lots of practice still needed!

Bar Mitzvah and Covid

My son tested positive for covid a week and a half before his bar mitzvah. One of his younger sisters tested positive the next day. I tested positive 2 days later.

The following week, my husband tested positive - just 6 days before the bar mitzvah.

In retrospect - maybe we should have been more careful... Maybe we shouldn't have let my son go to a sleepover... or participate in orchestra recitals... or maybe we should have kept all kids home from school for 2 weeks before the event. Realistically, though - we can't (and do not want to) live in a bubble. We do our best to be careful: we vaccinate, we avoid crowded events, and we wear masks even when we are not required to, but that's pretty much it.

It was a small Bar Mitzvah. We were able to have it at the synagogue because most of us cleared the required quarantine. Our youngest tested negative. My husband joined on zoom (and was able to participate - thanks to the miracles of modern technology). Some of the family joined on zoom and some family and friends were able to come and be there with us in person. We all wore masks. We had food outside after the services. Our son was fantastic, reading from the Torah and leading the prayers. It's all kind of a blur. I often get teary-eyed at other people's bnai mitzvahs, but I had no desire to cry at our son's... Our son said it all went by so fast and he wouldn't mind to repeat the whole experience one more time. He seemed so grown-up, standing there on the Bimah, his voice strong, looking so confident and calm.

We rescheduled the outdoor party (small, just family and close friends) to this Saturday. Because it didn't seem like a good idea to have it (even outside) while my husband wasn't feeling great. 

And then this morning - our youngest seemed a bit stuffy, and we tested her, and her test was bright-positive for covid.

We are trying to figure out what to do. We can't really reschedule the party again - just because of logistics and plans for the upcoming weekends. We either have to cancel it, or go with it and have the 8-year old separate and far away from everyone else. It is doable - we have a big yard, and she seems open to the idea of  sitting separately from everyone else and then staying inside and watching a movie on her own. We are talking to the grandparents and other family members to get an idea of comfort levels and acceptable risks...

Let's just hope we don't come down with monkey pox... (what with our recent luck...)

Oh, speaking of infectious disease - our middle child got bitten by a chipmunk. (She was trying to rescue the thing from our cat). She is now extremely worried that she would get rabies or plague or something equally horrible. It's been 5 days - the wound is healing nicely. She spent quite a bit of time on google researching rabies and plague, and she has talked extensively to every relative and friend in medical-related profession about her chances of survival.

Seriously! Chipmunk!