History

 I finished "The Historians" by Cecilia Ekbäck the other day. It took me a long time to get into the book. I was very slowly making my way through it until I hit about half-way mark. And then I got completely sucked in and couldn't put it down.

The things we humans are capable of. The extreme cruelty, stupidity, and degradation. The expectations of privilege. The claims of superiority. But also: self-sacrifice, integrity, and courage. 

Throughout the book, there was the theme of historical truth, weaving in and out. It very much hit close to home.

Two things I learned in history classes in school:

• History will be re-written, depending on who is in power and what country you are in.
• There is no truth.

I hated history. I still do. 

I have to admit that in college (I was required to take a couple of courses in history) things were much better. For the first time, I did not feel like somebody was trying to pour waste into my brain. We were looking at and analyzing different sources, different perspective. There was no attempt to pass the interpretations of events as THE TRUTH.

But... to this day, history is not something I like to read about. It feels like history is a whore who will say anything as long as it gets payed. History is constantly being re-written in response to political situation. Just look around. You know, the whole thing with taking down old monuments? It's all very familiar. Don't get me wrong - I don't think there should be Stalin's busts sitting in every building. But - see what I mean - yesterday, "our dear leader"; today, a mass murderer. Yesterday, a great explorer; today, another mass murderer. Yesterday, a general; today, an enslaver.

Perhaps, we think of ourselves as better, more enlightened, more sensitive, more anti-racist than people who came before us. Perhaps we are. Does this mean we have to poo-poo all over the previous generations? Are we really that much better?

What would it take to turn us into monsters? Not much. A common goal. Fear. Money.

Anyway, I digress....

Here is a quote from "The Historians":

"She asked about history and about truth..."

...

"Well, it was as if she was trying to gauge how easy it was to hide the past... discover if you could reshape history after the fact."

"We used to talk about that. Debate how much of history was written by the decision makers in the way they wanted..."

Concerts

 Last week, my son had his first live strings orchestra recital since 2019. Last week, I went to a concert for the first time in more than 2 years! 

It was amazing.

The kids did great. It was so special to be able to sit in the auditorium and listen to the music!

I didn't realize how much I missed this... The excitement, the buzz, the squishy chairs, the clapping, the feeling of being in the moment. 

Our son also participates in a young musician orchestra in our county - they decided to not do live concert and had a recording instead that is available on youtube. And I love it - the selection of music, the quality, the fact that I can send the link to all the family and friends. But, sitting at home, watching the performance on the computer... it just wasn't quite the same.

I hope there will be more live recitals. I hope we will be able to go to more live concerts.

Sometimes you don't realize you miss things until you are doing them again.

Weekend Report

 

Friday: 

• The girls went to a gymnastics open-gym. It was OK - they had fun but didn't love the place. I had plenty of time to call my cousin and read my book.

Saturday:

• Hebrew School Shabbat. There was also a meeting for the parents of kids doing their B'nai Mitzvah in the near future (it was nice to hear what other families are planning! And that were were not the only ones struggling with stuff and feeling behind!).
• My parents threw me a birthday party! It was amazing - we stayed there for hours (my poor parents), had lots of great food (and my mom made my favorite cake, Napoleon). We also went for a walk. 
• Shopping at the local orchard - got a couple of presents for the teachers and some party supplies for school parties.
• Reading in front of the fireplace.

Sunday:

• Laundry. Cooking: bread, soup, squash... 
• I meant to vacuum around the house, but didn't get around it it.
• Reading in front of the fireplace.
• Playing games with kids in front of the fireplace. We did a round of "Cover Your Assets" - I love that game. One of the kids had a meltdown because she was loosing (I lost, too). So we let her pick the next game - "Old Maid". I lost. It was lots of fun. Loosing to your kids is, somehow, much better than loosing to friends.
• A bit of yard work. My husband took down a tree in the back yard. We moved some fireplace wood from the shed to the front porch.
• Piano party for the girls.

I try not to think about the pandemic too much. We take reasonable precautions but we can't stop living. I wish it was easier to get tested in our area. I wish home-tests were readily available in all the pharmacies. I hope schools are able to remain open for in-person learning. However, if it happens that kids need to go back to virtual learning - we are set up for that. We've done it before - it wasn't ideal but it worked well enough. And we'll be able to have lunch all together again!!! We will persevere. 

44 Late Report

 So.

I turned 44 earlier this week.

Crazy.  My mother was 44 when we came to the US and my parents re-built their lives pretty much from 0. I don't know if I could do that.  I don't feel anywhere as grown-up, mature, or confident as she was at that time. I feel like a perpetual kid, playing a role of a grown-up, trying to keep things together.

Lucky things (tfu-tfu-tfu): I am alive. I am able to enjoy hiking, baking, board games, playing the piano, fun conversations with kids (about everything), fun conversations with my parents, reading books. I can walk, swim, bike, and sled (if we ever get any snow this winter). I have a job that pays well and has good benefits.

Meh stuff: potential health issues, my parents accumulating numerous health problems, pandemic.

Meh stuff that can be fixed: messy house, rooms in need of fresh paint, weeds in the garden, some ugly bushes that need to be replaced.

It is good to be 44. It is even better to forget that I am 44 and indulge in giggling with my kids or late-night conversations with friends.

Weekend Report

We went to see Dune!!!

I really wanted to see it on the big screen. I was hoping to wait until our younger 2 kids were fully vaccinated (mid-December) but when I checked the movie theater schedules, there was nothing nearby playing Dune after this coming Thursday.

So, I called my mom, grabbed my son, and the 3 of us went to see Dune. I loved it. It wasn't perfect - sometimes characters got lost among all the aesthetic splendor, and the movie could have easily been 20 minutes shorter. Other than that - it was great. My son loved it. My mom enjoyed it. The movie theater was nearly empty (and we wore masked, and the 3 of us are fully vaccinated, etc, etc).

On Saturday, we had 2 Hanukkah parties. First my parents came and we ate latkes, sufganiyot, herring salad, and a few other things. Then later that evening, our friends came (and we ate latkes, sufganiyot, herring salad, and a few other things). I was thinking we would play games, but we all just ended up talking while the kids played. There was a brief game of ping-pong among the grown-ups, but for the most part we were sitting around the hot wood stove outside and chatting.

I love latkes. They were a fair amount of work, but kids really want to make them again (and they promised to help), so I think we'll do a latkes supper one of this evenings. After all, I am pretty sure there is no law forbidding latkes on non-Hanukkah days. In fact, my grandfather used to make them pretty frequently - the whole family loved them (and he grated the potatoes by hand!!!).

My husband and I did a bit of clean-up around the garden. We are considering extending it a bit.

There was lots of laundry and cooking. I baked bread.

What didn't get done: hmmm....  I haven't been reading to the kids... But they all have their own books at this point, and there hasn't been any specific book I feel super excited about and want to share with them... 

And how was your weekend?

Naming Names

After they got married and moved into their apartment, my parents named their new furniture. They had a kitchen set (table, stools, kitchen cabinets – that sort of thing) that was pretty fancy – I believe it was either from Germany or Czechoslovakia, I am not sure at this point. They called it “Kasya”.

They named the “big room” furniture “Teddy.” Teddy was a stenka (wall) – a set of 3 upright cabinets and shelves with glass doors and a bar in the middle. I guess the modern term would be modular shelves? We used it for storing fine china and crystal (behind glass doors), books (most of the other shelves), a record player, drinks (inside the bar), as well as knick-knacks, souveniers, and vases with candy.

Kasya didn’t really stick. But Teddy (we said Fedya in Russian) – that one got used a lot! I spent my childhood convinced that Teddy was just another word for shelves. My parents would say “I left my watch on Teddy – can you grab it?” “Please put your books back on Teddy!” I would ask “Mom, can I get a candy out of Teddy?”

************************************************

A few years ago, our coffee machine broke. It was not even 3 years old and we were super annoyed – because when we buy things, we expect them to last forever. Or, at least 25 years. It was one of those hyper-modern things with buttons and sealed bottom that you couldn’t open up and attempt to fix. It was not expensive or fancy in any way, and it would have been cheaper to buy a new one than to pay for repairs. Still, we were very, very annoyed.

So, my husband unearthed this beastly thing from the 80’s (or maybe 70’s) that his dad used to have in his work office back in the day. A coffee machine, with an analogue clock that could be used to set the timer and get the coffee going first thing in the morning. [My husband never throws anything out unless it is totally broken up and not usable. And even then, chances are, I’ll find it in the garage sitting on a shelf and taking up space. His family is the same. My family is the same, too. That’s why we have a last-century coffee machine.]

He proudly put the new/old coffee machine on the kitchen counter and plugged it in (he did wash it very thoroughly… after all, it’s been sitting and gathering dust for a few decades). Guess what? It worked!!! The analogue timer worked, too. It also made this loud whale-song noise every time it was brewing us some coffee. This happened around the same time my kids were listening to a children’s CD with a collection of silly and cute songs. One of the songs (our son’s favorite, he would play it over, and over, and over) was about Wendy the Whale. So, naturally, we started calling the coffee machine Wendy the Whale (on the account of the noises it was making), which then got truncated to simply Wendy.

Is Wendy done making coffee? Did you start Wendy yet? Wait, I need to get Wendy going…

Do you ever name your furniture or appliances?

December? No!!!!

I can’t believe it’s December. In my world, Halloween just happened the other day (I still haven’t managed to get a photo of all 3 kids in their costumes…)

I missed my cousin’s birthday (because I didn’t realize November was over).

My brains are completely scrambled.

For about a week, I was hyper-focused on a paper I was writing for work. It was all I could think about. When I turned it in, all the kids commented: “Mom, all of a sudden you are so happy! You are no longer snapping at everyone!”

Then, we hosted Thanksgiving. It was fun, it was awesome, our family is amazing. Everyone brought food, so we only made turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, herring salad, and sweet potatoes. Still, it was a lot of work. I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned (I even washed some of the windows!) – kids helped. My husband did a ton of yardwork to get stuff cleaned up (the kids and I helped). Having people over is a very good incentive to clean up stuff that is not normally a top priority.

And then I sort of collapsed and did not want to do anything for the rest of the weekend.

Then I got confused with days and dates and nearly missed the 1st night of Hanukkah. Thank goodness my mother called to wish us Happy Hanukkah and I was all discombobulated because “but wait, but it’s not until tomorrow night! Right???” 

Wrong.

So there was a bit of a scramble to get the candles and the menorahs (luckily, our daughter cleaned and polished those the day before! All on her own!) and to wrap a couple of presents (seemed kind of silly to wrap things so that the kids could tear the paper off 5 seconds later, but they really really really wanted all their presents wrapped).

Am I sort of last-minute about wrapping presents and getting things ready for holidays? YES I AM.

And now it is December. And 2021 is almost over. I am not ready...

Weekend Report

 

What got done:

• Re-recorded our son (violin) and my mom (piano) playing Severn's "Polish Dance" together for the 3rd and 4th time. I think they are both sick of it. This is for a virtual recital... The beauty of live recitals is that you get up on the stage, perform, and then boom you are done. With a virtual recital where you record ahead of time - there is an option of doing it over, and over, and over again...
• Kids had Hebrew School.
• Last 2 soccer games of the season (one win, one loss).
• Yardwork: leaves, leaves, and more leaves.
• My husband fixed the garage door.
• Kids and I folded laundry and watched a bit of figure skating. The Russian women skaters are amazing.
• I cleaned the laundry room.
• I baked bread, husband made meatballs. Other random cooking included blueberry pancakes, roasted vegetables, and salads.
• Reading (I finished The Last Watchman of Old Cairo).
• Kids played with friends.

What didn't get done:

• Apple sauce. I have a bunch of old less-than-stellar apples.
• Hiking in the park.
• Shopping (I really need to get a concert outfit for our son).
• Movie night.

[smart]Phone and Directions

I finally gave in and got a smartphone about a year ago. I don't love it, but it is useful when I want to check my email without trotting all the way up to the attic and waking up my computer. I use it to check my favorite blogs, news, and covid updates. It is also pretty good for sending and receiving texts. It's nice to be able to send and receive photos!

At the moment, I don't have a data plan, just connection to wi-fi. Because I work from home and I rarely go anywhere, this is totally sufficient. 

I use whatsapp - kids like it for video-calls with their cousins and I love getting photos and updates from family in other countries. 

I started using google maps for directions (I download maps I need ahead of time). Generally, I prefer to look up directions using my computer and then write them all down. It's easier to make adjustments (because sometimes, google-preferred route is not optimal). I am not a huge fan of google telling me where to go and which way to turn... twice now it took me on these weird drives through residential neighborhoods for no particular reason... Something is weird with the algorithms there - perhaps I need to look into my settings.

I feel weird being bossed around by my phone and trusting that it'll take me where I need to go... What if google doesn't like me and takes me on the most round-about, traffic-congested roads? What if it decides to sabotage my trip? It is super annoying when I go a different way than google wants me to go (because it may be more scenic, or is more direct, or whatever), and the thing keeps trying to get me to turn around!!! There should be a hand-less "shut up" function - where you say "shut up and re-route" and the app re-calculates the directions based on current location.

This could be totally turned into a creepy sci-fi short story. 

Phone apps being selective and playing favorites, allowing some people to get to their destination on time while forcing others to be late. And people being too stupid to understand what's happening, because we are too busy listening to google map's "turn right NOW".

Speech Therapy

When I was a kid, my mother was concerned about my “speech problem”. I stuttered, occasionally, and I tended to speak so fast other people had a hard time understanding me.  I remember my mom dragging me to see speech therapists back in Russia, who either said I would grow out of it or would put me into a horrible speech therapy group and made me do idiotic (from the perspective of a kid) exercises. Honestly, I thought she was greatly exaggerating. I didn’t think I had any problems at all. My friends seemed to understand me just fine. I did well in school.

When I was a teenager, the stuttering got worse, especially after coming to the US (I was 16). Someone recommended that I go see a speech therapist – again. 

I did go, and to my surprise, it wasn’t too bad. That speech therapist lady was amazing – she saw me as a whole person, not just “the speech problem” to be fixed. It was a joy to work with her. She was the first person – ever – who managed to explain to me what it meant that I talked too fast.

Everyone was always saying – you are talking too fast, slow down, speak slowly, can you say that again – slowly? It annoyed the hell out of me. I did not feel that I was speaking too fast at all, so it seemed like it was someone else’s problem. 

The speech therapist (unfortunately, I don’t remember her name) asked me to sing. After I sang a short song, she asked me to sing it again – but now, in the tempo I would use in a conversation. And that was the big moment –I felt the difference. Forever before, when people said “you talk too fast”, it was just so disconnected. Even when I heard myself recorded (like on an answering machine), there was a disconnect – I could tell the person was talking too fast, but I felt like that person didn’t have anything to do with me.* The speech therapist really helped me find a point of reference, she helped me understand what it felt like when words coming out of my mouth too fast.

When I turned 18, I had to transfer to an adult speech therapist. And that was… not good. The new speech therapist kept mouthing words as I was talking (as if she was trying to help me talk, I guess?). It was driving me bonkers. I believe she was more used to working with people who had speech issues after stroke – so it just wasn’t a good fit. I quit after a couple of sessions with her.

I am not sure how much of a genetic component there is to stuttering. I know that I have a few relatives on my grandfather’s side who stutter. One of my kids tends to talk too fast when super-excited about something. I’ll have to do the singing game – maybe that’ll help. 

Did you ever have to be in speech therapy? Did it help?

*True story. My parents were planning to come and visit me soon after I started college. I left a message on their answering machine, telling them exactly where and what time to meet me. I was furious when they didn’t show up. It turned out, they couldn’t understand my message. They even played the recording back for me. I couldn’t understand what I was saying, either.

Weekend Report: November

 How can it possibly be November? I am not ready.

What got done:

• 1:1 hike with my youngest child. The weather was fantastic, the leaves look beautiful. She ran into a couple of her friends who were planting trees and got to help out and plant a pin oak.

• Soccer games! One win, one loss.

• Re-recorded violin+piano performance for a virtual recital for our oldest child.

• Baked bread (honey wheat loaf and beet bread)

• Farmers market (our favorite farmer has amazing carrots)

• Reading in front of the fireplace (Harry Potter book 6 with older kids)

• Family movie time: Stargate

• Family walk around the neighbourhood

• Kids playing with neighbors and jumping into leaf piles

• Laundry

What did not get done:

• Cleaning out the laundry room

• Finding and renting a place for winter vacation

• Finding zen (I’ve been grumpy and prone to fits of yelling – not sure what’s going on with me).

Quirks, Phobias, and Anxieties

There is just no telling what kinds of quirks people may have. 

My mom is really bothered by messy hair (usually she manages to convince my kids to let her brush and make their hair). She has a fear of mice. Also, she really doesn’t like needles (she fainted while she was getting her ears pierced). One of my friends gets really anxious about trying new foods. My husband is a germaphobe and gets really uncomfortable when someone coughs or sneezes. 

Me – I mostly have very convenient phobias and anxieties. I am really afraid of heights. Luckily, my fear is limited to situations where I can actually fall – I am OK as long as there is a solid barrier and I am OK in airplanes. I never have to climb anything or put myself in situations where I would have to face my fear. 

When I was a kid, my mom would try to convince me to go on a giant slide (giant from a child’s perspective). Oh, the terror. She would say “it is only scary the first time! And then it’s fine!” That never made any sense to me – why would it be any less terrifying on the 2nd try?

I am afraid of going really fast downhill on a bike (once again, it’s not like I ever have to do that…), I squeeze my breaks really hard all the way down. My husband rolls his eyes and tells me I’m wearing out the breaks – ha, at least I made it down in one piece. Our middle child loves going down the hill FAST (she loves the adrenaline rush she gets from it) – I can’t watch….  

I am very cautious about movies and shows I watch (somehow books are less anxiety-inducing). I hate feeling upset by the choices made by on-screen characters. I am reluctant to watch many comedies because they make me feel bad.

Oh, speaking of comedies… I had to stop watching “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”. The amount of anxiety I was experiencing every time she was performing on stage was ridiculous. I only felt that anxious when my kids or my mom were performing during recitals – and even that wasn’t so bad because it was reasonable (they are MINE, they are not some random fictional lady), and I love them no matter what, and it only happened once every few months (instead of multiple times during TV episode).

By the way, listening to my child perform can be more terrifying than performing myself (because then I am too busy to feel anxious).

What’s your favorite personal quirk?

Roadside Picnic

It is a generally expected thing that if there is a book one wants to read - one should be able to find it, either at a library or a bookstore. 

It annoys me to no end when there is something specific I want to read and it is not available because it is out of print, or has been banned, or has never been translated, or some other nonsense like that.

It started with a movie. I was 12 or 13 when I watched Tarkovsky's "Stalker." It became the paragon of science fiction for me. I had never seen anything like it before. I understood enough to know there was hidden meaning there, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I remember nearly hyperventilating with excitement and asking my mom: "But what does that all mean? Why can't they go this way? Why is he lying there? WHAT IS THIS?" My mom would shrug and say something along the lines of "the director overdid it to that point it becomes meaningless," and then, trying to explain a specific scene, she said "I can't remember exactly, but in the book..." And there was me, like a hunting dog picking up a scent. A book - did she say there was a book - where is the book?

I spent the next, oh I don't know, 7 or 8 years looking for that book, the "Roadside Picnic" by brothers Strugatskie, the book that "Stalker" was loosely based on. We had a couple of their science fiction novels at home, but not that one. No one in the extended family had it. None of our friends had it. The bookstores didn't have it. The library didn't have it. I would wonder around flea markets where people would be selling their book collections (this was the early 90's, some people were forced to sell their stuff to make the ends meet) - nothing. Sure, people have heard of it - both my mother and my aunt had read it and liked it - but they couldn't remember where they got their copies from or what happened to them afterwards.

In 1994, we came to the US. I didn't forget about the "Roadside Picnic" but I more-or-less gave up on it. After all, there were plenty of other books to read. I continued to love science fiction (but nothing had the same impact as "Stalker"). I continued to love science. I went to college - a big state school known for it biochemistry department. One day, I was wondering through the university library stacks, checking out their Russian section, and - what do you know - there was a collection of works by Arkadiy and Boris Strugatsky. It was a new edition that came out in 1994 - the year we emigrated. And there was "Roadside Picnic" on the shelf, and I couldn't believe my own eyeballs.  I spent so much time and so much effort looking for that book back in Russia and Latvia. I never expected to stumble across it in the United States - how weird was that? (And how ironic was that? Almost as ironic as the fact that it wasn't until I came to a capitalist country that I met a real-life Socialist.)

Were there any books you've spent years looking for?

I do  have a couple more I want to mention - all children's books - but that's for another post.

Weekend Report

Happy Halloween! We had a witch, an elf queen, and a murderous clown. Kids are totally gorging themselves on candy. I want to try and see if they can self-regulate this year (they should be? they are old enough?). I have a big bowl of candy sitting in the dining room, totally open-access. The rest of the candy (according to this year's count, they collected over 260... not including the sweets they got from grandparents) is hidden away. I told them that bowl is what they have until Thanksgiving. They can eat it all at once or they can make it last. We'll see how well this is going to work out.

Stuff that got done:

• Friday: Halloween parade for the elementary school
• Saturday: Shabbat services + Hebrew school, followed by a quick trip to the pet shop to get supplies and toys.
• Saturday: 2 soccer games
• Saturday: Family movie night (Tomorrow Never Dies) 
• Sunday: drove 45 min each way to pick up our new cat, Vlad (because there are so many fun things we can call him: Vlad the Stinker, Vlad the Impaler, Vlad the Scratcher)
• Sunday: lunch/early dinner with my parents to celebrate their 4 years in the neighborhood (they moved across the country to be closer to us). The food was amazing! There was music and singing!
• Sunday: trick or treating in our neighborhood.
• Sunday: some jerks threw toilet paper at our trees and bushes. It was annoying but took only a couple of minutes to clean up (I guess the jerks were totally inept)
• Kids tell me that it's some weird American tradition, where kids throw TP at people's houses if they don't like them. 
• Clearly, some American traditions are stupid. What a waste of TP (seriously, haven't they heard there may be shortage of TP again?)
• Also, clearly, some neighborhood kids don't like us. 
• Sunday: kids counted and sorted all their candy

Kids had both Monday and Tuesday off, which was absolutely needed after the weekend and all that candy.

My husband and I took time off from work. On Monday, we went hiking to a place about an hour drive away. It was like a picture-perfect fall day: just a bit chilly, sunny, and perfect fall colors (bright orange, yellow, and red leaves, blue sky, green pines). The hike was mostly good (one of the children threw a temper tantrum but we managed to ignore the screaming and did not let it ruin the beautiful day). We stumbled on a lake that we had no idea was there - I love surprises like that. We explored new trails (it is always more exciting when you don't know for sure where exactly you are going to end up). Kids posed for pictures. We picked up some nice fall leaves to bring home. Kids picked up some coal chunks to bring home (no, I am not kidding) - they want to burn it in our fire place.

On Tuesday, my husband was back to work, so the kids and I decided to have a super-relaxing day. We had to do a couple of errands and chores, but then went to a local farm stand to feed the animals and buy some treats. Apple pie was amazing. At home, the kids spent hours playing with Vlad. Everyone had a bit of screen time. We read, we played a game, we cooked. Kids made breakfast - that was pretty awesome. H. made smoothies, E. made "soldier eggs" (my dad's method of scrambling eggs over turkey sausage), plus we made some crackers with cream cheese and salmon roe (from that trip to the Russian store a few weeks ago). (Only one of the kids seems to like fish eggs... ah well, acquired taste and all that).

And tomorrow it's back to work and school... 

Escaping Into Fiction

 Remember how I mentioned that I spent most of the last weekend reading a book? It was “Den of Wolves” by Juliet Marillier. I didn’t love it, I found the main characters somewhat annoying and not particularly believable. It got too much into the touchy-feely territory. But the stories the author wove together were excellent. They were based on Irish folklore, I believe, and they definitely had a real folklore feel to them. These stories felt real, and meaningful, and like something I could reach out and touch. I had a hard time putting that book down –  because of these intricate stories that were fading in and out of the main narrative.

There was also one paragraph that struck true for me. It felt like the author reached out and told me why I loved books, told me that escaping into stories made me stronger.

From “Den of Wolves” by Juliet Marillier:

“…when you felt sad or angry or hopeless, a story could help. A story could lead you into a different world for a while. It might be a world where a foolish youngest son could turn into a brave and clever hero, or a beaten woman could end up as a wise leader of folk. And when the story was ended and that world was gone, you still had the idea of it inside you. Like a flame that didn’t go out even when the bad things rattles and swirled and screamed, and worse, oh, much worse, when they whispered and goaded and tormented.”

Musings on Being Weird

“If you are weird and you know it clap your hands!!!”

*clap*  *clap*  

At what point does social awkwardness turn into weirdness?

People terrify and mystify me. There are too many unspoken and unwritten rules of “proper” conduct. There are too many taboo subjects. There are oh-so-many opportunities to blab the wrong thing at the wrong time. There are even more opportunities to NOT say the right thing at the right time.

When I was a kid, I used to watch my cousin with a mix of awe and jealousy. He would open his mouth and words would come out, effortlessly! He made talking to people look so easy.

Having a conversation is hard work! Stressful, too (plus, occasional mild stuttering is an annoying thing I have to deal with). My conversation skills do tend to get better with practice. Of course, with working from home, the pandemic, and my general tendency to avoid people (I guess I am shy?), I haven’t been practicing much. 

I am sort of naturally rude, without meaning to be. That cousin I mentioned? When he used to call, he would go through 20 minutes of asking questions about random things (and I would be like, get to that point, what do you want?). 

In contrast, this is me, on the phone: “Hello? Vlad? Do you have any potatoes I could borrow? Great, thanks. Bye.” And only after I hang up, I would think “oh crap, I forgot to be polite”…. I was supposed to ask about Vlad’s mother’s health, chat for a bit about random things, ask about how the new puppy was getting on, mention the weather, explain that we built a new fire pit and were planning to bake some potatoes, ask if he needed anything, and at some point during this lengthy conversation inquire if they had any potatoes.

I’ve learned to say “please” and “thank you”, you would think I would be able to learn (by now) to include polite (if pointless) small talk as appropriate…. I wish I was better at those little conversations with acquaintances.

Every once in a while, I get a feeling that neighbors and kids’ friends parents are looking at me a little funny. So am I truly weird or just a little strange? (Or is this onset paranoia?) 

Or did I totally fail to become assimilated after coming to this country more than 27 years ago, and  I'm having a hard time fitting in because, darn it, I am too much a product of the USSR? 

Rhetoric questions :)

Dear Reader, do you ever feel, after a conversation with someone, that one of you is weird but you can't tell if it's them or you?

Weekend Report

Happy Monday!

Of course, it is a generally accepted fact that Mondays are hard. Понедельник - день тяжелый.

It was hard to get out of bed this morning. I am still a bit groggy and discombobulated. 

But… all 3 kids made it to the school bus on time. Everyone had breakfast. I am on my 2nd cup of coffee. 

The weekend felt kind of unsatisfying… Mostly because I escaped into a book every chance I had, resulting in a not particularly productive couple of days. But reading was fun!

Friday was crazy and stressful. First thing in the morning, my daughter called me from school and said she forgot her computer and could I bring it to school. My first reaction was – nope! I got to work! And then I felt bad, because… it happens. We all forget stuff. Isn’t it nice when there is someone who has your back and can help out? Also, the school is only about a 3 minute drive from our house. So, after agonizing for about an hour, and checking my work schedule, and realizing that I didn’t have too much work that morning, I drove to school to drop off the computer. 

And then right around the time kids were coming home from school, things got really crazy at work. One of the clients didn’t like the information I sent her (the information that they requested), and wanted something else, but didn’t provide much guidance on what it was they wanted instead of or in addition to the stuff I spent 2 days putting together. And, of course, they wanted all that RIGHT NOW, so between 3 pm and 8 pm, I was super stressed, snapping at everyone, trying to finish up that project and sending out frantic emails while also taking care of kids and getting dinner on the table. I was hopping mad! With the client, with the kids, with the husband, with the world…

And then I was done… and I could relax… and I felt like I needed an escape, so I read and read and read. I don’t even remember what I was doing most of Saturday besides reading. There was some laundry, there was a soccer game (and my son was pretty grumpy with me because he thought I was reading through most of his game – but no, I actually watched quite a bit!). I made some pumpkin bread muffins to take to the neighbors who were throwing a Halloween party. We went to that party and chatted with other grownups while the kids were playing.

Sunday was Hebrew school, and more laundry, and more reading (I finished the book Sunday night and felt like I had eaten way too much candy in one sitting… It was one of those books – fun to read and you want to see what happens next, but probably would have felt better if I read it over a longer period of time). 

My husband made a big fire in our fire pit, and we had dinner right there next to it, and baked potatoes, and brought out marshmallows for roasting. The next-door kids and their mom came over and brought proper stuff for making s’mores. Then the across-the-street kids came over and also had some s’mores. Then there was a game of basketball in our driveway. Then it was late and getting dark and I had to pretty much force everyone to go home because Monday tomorrow.

And then there was the not-so-sweet ending to Sunday. We usually do a movie night on the weekend. This weekend, it just kind of happened that the movie got skipped but I promised the kids could watch something for 20 minutes if they got showered and in their pajamas super fast. And they did, and they sat down to watch their movie. And then I heard fighting and screaming and crying. It was awful ugly mean nasty fighting between our 2 older kids (power struggle? Jealousy? All of that plus something else? Not sure). I sent the kids who were fighting and screaming to bed. The youngest one stayed out of the fight and got to watch a cartoon with me for 10 minutes. And that was that.

This morning, the older 2 were chatting away happily with each other, as if nothing happened. Our daughter packed up her backpack (computer, water bottle, clay that she needs for one of her classes) yesterday night so that she wouldn’t forget anything.

Did I mention I feel exhausted? I could use a nap (because I stayed up really late on Saturday reading that book and it will take me a few days to get caught up on sleep).

Stuttering

I have a dirty little secret. I stutter. I do my best to hide it.

It’s not severe and most of the time it doesn’t bother me. It’s kind of like hiccups – mildly embarrassing and super annoying, but doesn’t really interfere with quality of life.

At one point, when I was a teenager, the stuttering got pretty bad. It was soon after we came to the US, so was probably caused by a combination of stress and new language. Answering the phone was a torture. Family friends recommended speech therapy. It didn’t cure the stutter but it helped with some other things. After some months, it got better. The more comfortable I felt speaking English, the more fluent I was, the less I stuttered. Interestingly, when I was taking German in college, I would stutter terribly when trying to speak German in class. Now-a-day, I stutter more in Russian than in English (probably because I find it easier to speak English, even though Russian is my native language...).

I do my best to avoid stuttering. I can participate in a conversation and all that, no problem, especially if I can get away with one- or two-word responses (“That’s fantastic!” “Oh, no!!!” “Really?” “How interesting!!!”). 

Except every once in a while, a word gets stuck. I usually can sense what’s coming and quickly substitute with a more comfortable word. Like saying “ahhh, this is great!” instead of “t-t-t-t-tasty”. What kills me is when I get stuck on my name. So when someone asks “And what is your name” and I stare back at them and it’s kind of mortifying because I know I am going to have to stutter through it. It’s unpleasant, embarrassing, and probably looks super-weird. Sometimes, I do say “Sorry, I stutter, I got stuck on my name. I am not trying to be purposefully weird.”

It really annoys me when people assume that I stutter because I am nervous. Most of the time, I don’t stutter when introducing myself (but I do tend to start with “Hi, I am Natasha” instead of just saying “Natasha”). I just stutter, nervous or not. When I read to my kids, when I speak to my friends. Not constantly, just every once in a while, a minor “Once upon a t-t-time”. It’s just that some pathway in my brain responsible for language is a little "off".

Annoying. 

But certainly not the end of the world.

Weekend Report

This was not a great weekend. I still feel sad about it.

I took a day off on Friday because the kids were off from school. I was so looking forward to spending time with the kids, going on a hike, reading, playing... And then reality happened. One of my kids and I had a fight and I spent most of the day feeling furious. Ugh. Still, we met some friends in the park and spent about 4 hours wondering around and exploring, so it wasn't a total waste of a day. It just wasn't what I wanted it to be. And I still feel the aftermath of being angry with that kid - and it wasn't the first time they did their best to sabotage, consciously or unconsciously, family activities.

 I find the disconnect between anticipation and reality so jarring, it is sometimes (always?) better to just not to put much time into looking forward to things. Then I can be pleasantly surprised by how well things went or I can just roll with the punches, so to speak. At least, I will not have that heavy feeling of disappointment (in myself, kids, humanity, etc) when things don't go the way I was hoping to.

On Saturday, we went to meet a potential new cat. The cat was not at all in the mood to meet us. Ah well. Then soccer games, a bunch of activities on Sunday....

And then, there was Monday. We all slept through alarm (second Monday in a row), which meant it was a stressful and rushed morning.

It is Tuesday now, and I can't say things are looking up. I am still feeling grumpy. The child I mentioned above is still behaving in ways that are ranging from bratty to nasty to supercilious. I am having an internal debate as to whether I need to write them a letter explaining why I am angry or spend a significant portion of today's evening giving them 1:1 time explaining why this behavior is not acceptable. I suspect the 1:1 attention is what they crave. But wouldn't it mean that I am teaching them "If you behave in this unacceptable manner, you are going to get lots of attention from mom"? I want to send the opposite message, "I want to spend lots of quality time with you, but not when you are treating your family like garbage."

I got to think more about how to approach this....

Appreciate This

Leaves changing color: splashes of yellow and orange outside our window.

Chestnuts: shiny ones. Also, roasted chestnuts. I can’t believe the first time I tried a roasted chestnut my reaction was “Meh. I am not sure about this.”

Books

TV shows (we are watching Dexter; it’s got the right mix of entertainment and creepiness)

Friends

A husband who likes making fire (in the fire pit, I mean. And in the fireplace.) I don’t like fire – never started one – but I enjoy sitting a safe distance away from it. I also really enjoy potatoes baked in the hot ashes (that’s on my fall must-do list).

Pumpkins (for eating but also for decoration)

Cheese

Being home alone

Dark chocolate

Marmalades

After-school sports and clubs

Local farmers and delicious apples and tomatoes

Library

My parents living very close (and who are happy when I come to visit; also, drinking tea and talking about life).

Funny things that kids say.

Messy Mornings

Random weekday morning.

6:20-6:30 am: my husband gets up and gets breakfast and coffee started. 

6:30-6:40 am: my husband gets frustrated because no one is coming down to help him

6:40-6:45 am: Husband: WHERE ARE YOU????? ANYONE COMING TO EAT OR AM MY EATING ALONE??????

6:50 am: Me: “Ugh! Got to get up and get going. KIDS!!!! RISE AND SHINE!!!!”

[Brushing my teeth, making the bed, and sometimes sort of wondering around aimlessly because still half-asleep]

6:55 am: Me: “KIDS!!! GOT TO GET GOING!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE!!!!”

7 am: kids getting dressed, stumbling downstairs to get their breakfast. We all sit down to eat. I feel like I need to hurry everyone up to eat faster because we are running late. Everyone is experiencing at least some degree of frustration.

7:15 am: Me: “AAAH!!!!!!! OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!! LOOK AT THE TIME!!!!  KIDS, ARE YOU READY? TEETH BRUSHED? ALL PACKED????” 

[Husband is getting ready to go to work]

7:16 am: Me: “AAAAAAAAH!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO MISS THE BUS!!!! FINISH YOU FOOD FAST!!!!!!!!!!! GO BRUSH TEETH!!!!!!!! DID YOU MAKE YOUR BEDS? NO? GO DO THAT NOW!”

7:18 am: kids are meandering around, brushing their teeth, chatting happily, and in no way appearing to hurry.

7:20 am: Me, barking: “Water bottles? Masks? Computers? Gym clothing? Snacks? Computers? Shoes? Violin? Shoulder rest? Snacks? Water? Masks?”

7:25 am: the kids finally start moving around at a slightly faster pace, packing up, and getting their shoes on.

7:28 am: the kids are out of the door, we walk to the bus stop together and talk.

7:33 am: school bus comes, I walk back home.

I am not happy with how this is going. The getting-out-of-bed is getting harder and harder. The kids don’t have any sense of urgency in the morning. Somehow, I assumed the responsibility for getting them to school on time. I really want to shift that responsibility to the kids – they should be the ones worried they miss the bus or forget their stuff, not me!

Ideal morning (I can dream, right?):

6:20 am: husband gets up and gets breakfast and coffee going

6:30 am: kids get up

6: 40 am: I get up

6:45 am: we all sit down for breakfast (kids already unloaded the dishwasher and set the table; husband made his famous eggs and a fruit salad)

We eat breakfast while discussing world events, books, and laughing at each other’s jokes. [Actually, this does happen on occasion in real-life….]

7:10 am: kids run around packing up their snacks, water bottles, school stuff, etc. They brush their teeth. Husband and I enjoy our 2nd cups of coffee outside, taking in the view and waving good-morning to the neighbors.

7:20 am: kids are ready with their backpacks at the door, shoes on, masks on, and do a final check to make sure they haven’t forgotten anything. They ask me to walk them to the bus stop because it’s so much fun to talk to me.

7:25 am: we walk to the bus stop, talk, laugh, maybe do a quick review of whatever they were studying the night before, maybe bring a book to read aloud while waiting to the bus.

7:33 am: school bus comes, I walk back home.

[no yelling, no barking, no nagging from me about computers/snack/water/shoes]

Ugh…. How do I get there????

Dear readers, and how are your mornings? What’s your reality vs dreamworld?

Weekend Report

 My daughter told me last nigh that this past weekend was great because we did so many different things and were able to balance family time and friend time.

We also had a good balance of must-do's and want-to-do's.

There was some cleaning and laundry. There was lots of cooking: I baked piroshki with some help from H. (Stuffing was meat, or squash, or jam.) H also made pumpkin stew (it's delicious; some parental help was involved). Husband made tacos.

We had friends over for some take-out Indian food. We sat outside: first in front of the wood burning stove, then next to our fire pit. So nice!!!

Kids were busy: playing with friends, digging holes (don't ask), playing flashlight tag, reading.

I took 2/3 kids to a local arboretum. It was beautiful and refreshing. Kids found chestnuts and I immediately felt nostalgic both for Latvia (where there was a giant chestnut tree next to our apartment building) and for eating roasted chestnuts.

We harvested more beans from our garden and cooked them. E. eats them raw, too.

Husband and E went on a run; E's friend joined them.

There was also Hebrew school, violin practice, piano practice, and chores.

I read - actually, it was a re-read - Dreamer's Pool by Juliet Marillier. It was what I needed - even though it wasn't the best book I've ever read (or re-read). It was better than her more recent book.

September Books

Wolf Winter by Cecilia Ekbäck was amazing. Beautifully written, excellent characters (I kept thinking I want to be just like that!), and an interesting while not-quite-exotic setting (I want to go there!). I loved to see the strength of the main character, Maija – she felt so human, so real, like someone I could meet in real life (now that I think about it, she may be a bit like my grandmother…). The story was dark, with unexpected turns, and it completely drew me in.

The Grift by Debra Ginsberg. Meh. The beginning was promising, but then things got sort of… lost. I didn’t like the plot. I liked the main character in the first few chapters, but I did not like the changes and development she went through.

A Dance With Fate by Juliet Marillier. Did not like it! I’ve read a few other fantasy books by Marillier years ago, and liked them back then. This one…. Not sure if I am just not in the mood for this kind of book or if her books got cheesier. The whole thing felt kind of contrived and not authentic (yeah, I know it is fantasy, but I have to be able to buy into the relationships and motivations). Too much feelings by the main characters. They were all annoying (the feelings AND the characters).

In progress: The Last Watchman of Old Cairo by Michael David Lukas. Loving it so far. 

Infection Tag

Sunday night, our older daughter started complaining about having a scratchy throat. Monday morning, she looked pretty out of sorts and had both a sore throat and a bad headache. I kept her home – she was well enough to be bored and to was able to do some schoolwork, but she spent most of the day resting, listening to audio books, and munching on home-made apple sauce.

This was our first experience with kids being out sick in the covid world. Usually, I would just give it a couple of days to see how things go (because most colds clear up on their own), but now-a-day, I just wasn’t sure what was the proper procedure. So, I ended up calling our pediatrician and getting her tested (covid and strep). Are we supposed to have kids tested for covid every time they have cold symptoms? I am really not sure. Good news – she is feeling a little better and we got a note from the doctor that she could return to school today.

I am feeling a little bit of a scratchy throat. Wonder who is going to be next? Ugh, I guess passing around colds is part of the back-to-school deal. Tag, you are IT….

October: Weekend Report

 Hello October!

We had a few beautifully chilly fall days and then it got warm and humid again. Mosquitos and ticks are back with a vengeance. 

Friday night became an outdoor movie night - our neighbors set up a projector and screen in their back yard. The older daughter and I baked stuff - ginger snap cookies and banana-blueberry bread to take to the movie night. Kids had a blast! Husband and I spent that time in our own back yard in front of the wood burning stove, chatting. 

We bought a few pumpkins and fall plants. We haven't quite gotten around to setting up any Halloween ghosts or bats around the yard - maybe next weekend. (First, we have to find that stuff... it's somewhere in the closet...)

Kids had their regular soccer games. Hebrew school started on Sunday (this was the first time ever kids whined and complained about it; the older 2 do not like their new teacher). Our oldest put in some time practicing his orchestra music. 

There was quite a bit of yard work... some of it got done. House cleaning did not get done (some day? maybe?) - but I did manage some minor pick-up and dusting. 

I planted a bunch of tulips. 

Husband and oldest child went on a run.

We watched "Catch me if you can" - it was our daughter's pick (kids take turns choosing weekend movies). It was good! 

Sunday, the girls spent hours playing with the neighborhood kids - they were cleaning up some old barbies and setting up a school, I think. Our son and one of the neighbor kids were planning and designing a fortification they want to build into the side of the hill. There were shovels and a pickaxe involved - but I am not sure how far they got into it. Our son tends to get very excited about new projects, but typically does not finish stuff. We'll see how things go...

Weekend Report

 Another exhausting but fun weekend.

On Saturday, in addition to 2 soccer games, we went to a Civil War battle re-enactment. It was… interesting. Can’t say I am a huge fan – but it was a beautiful day and there is something to be said for being outside, in a beautiful park, even if there are a bunch of dudes dressed up in 19th century garb pretending to do battle. I am just not big on war stuff, I guess. But the kids liked it! Our son’s friends came along, too.

Also, remember how I mentioned that our son was super-busy with a myriad of different activities? So, for the Young Musician Orchestra, he was unexpectedly promoted to 1st violins section (he auditioned for 2nd violin). Which means the music is more complex and requires a lot more work. So, there was lots of violin practice this past weekend (not all of it super-enthusiastic). He likes the music they are playing, he is just not loving the having to work hard part. 

On Sunday, we went to the Russian store with my parents. The “Russian” part of town is about an hour drive, and it’s really out of the way for us, so we hardly ever go there. Last time was before our youngest was born – so almost 8 years ago. My parents went there about 3 years ago.

So, we bought about half the store. Pickled herring, 3 types of pickles, pickled cabbage, pickled mushrooms. (I did not get pickled apples or pickled water melon – but both were available!) Lunch meat. Lots of sweets. Lots of jams. A Georgian-style yogurt (no idea what that is, but I wanted to try it). I was hoping to get some cow or veal tongues, but they weren’t looking so great – all freezer burned. I almost got a huge pack of chicken feet (they are great in soups) – I kind of regret that I didn’t. We got bread, and cakes, and an odd honey-and-nut jar that my husband became completely enthralled by. We got Russian candy. 

The kids had a blast – because many things were so exotic-looking. For example, you could get horse yogurt!!! (Or was it buttermilk? I can’t remember now. For the record, that's not really a Russian thing - maybe just some regions). There were lots of packages in foreign languages. Oh, we also got Halva.

After coming home, we settled down to watch Laurence of Arabia. And then we realized that the movie was almost 4 hours long. So of course we had to take a break from the movie to have dinner. And then the DVD player broke down (and we seem to be unable to get the library DVD out of it without taking the thing apart).

So, we ended up sitting around the wood stove outside, reading aloud (“Unplugged” by Gordon Korman, fittingly enough).

What about you, dear readers? Any new adventures? Exotic foods? In any case, hope your weekend was wonderful!

Activity Overload

I am feeling a bit frazzled because this fall is turning out to be busier than I anticipated. 

Everyone has school and homework.

Our youngest has soccer and piano. Soccer is twice a week – a game and a “skills night”. Piano lesson is once a week but requires daily practice (and she wants a parent sitting next to her and helping while she is practicing).

Our older daughter has piano and gymnastics. Same deal with the piano – a weekly lesson plus daily practice. Gymnastics is once a week. Unfortunately, the first gymnastics practice was a total disappointment – too easy. The gym is not bulging on moving her to a higher level. 

I need to figure out a new plan for her – either gymnastics at a different gym (there may be a few options nearby but research is needed) or maybe something else entirely (she would love rock climbing, but the closest place is 30 min away). 

Our son may be totally overloaded this fall. He has weekly violin lessons (and needs to practice every day), he auditioned for and got into a local youth orchestra (weekly 1.5 h rehearsals and daily practice), he has soccer once a week. He also decided to join the school cross country team. Most of his friends are doing it and I think it is great for him, but now he has practices after school until 5 pm 4 days a week. He also wants to join an engineering club and the school strings club. Those haven’t started yet, but, honestly, I am not sure how he will be able to fit it all in. Oh, and he is also getting ready for his Bar Mitzvah – so there are weekly lessons and daily practice. I worry it’s all too much… (It would have been way too much for me when I was that age… At least cross country should be done in late October and then, hopefully, he can have a bit of breathing room).

Weekend Report

We had the kind of weekend that requires a vacation afterwards. 

We celebrated our son’s 13th birthday. We cleaned, we cooked, we entertained guests. I put together a treasure hunt for kids with 13 clues (it was challenging and there was some visible frustration, but they figured it out). 

We went for a brief walk. One of our kids threw a temper tantrum because we did not walk the way they wanted.

Two of our kids had soccer games.

We made two carrot cakes (they both turned out delicious). Our older daughter decorated the first one and I decorated the second one. I think hers was nicer-looking.

We all watched “Jurassic World”. Meh (kids agreed it was meh even though it was entertaining).

Our son had “buyer’s remorse” of sorts after watching the movie – he said next time on his birthday, he will spend more time with family and friends instead of watching a movie. Works for me.

Existential Dread

 I live with an expectation that something terrible can happen at any moment. One of us could be terminally ill, could die unexpectedly, could become the target of bullying, and/or could be murdered by some crazies. OK, maybe “murdered by some crazies” is not too high on my “to-fear” list, but, well, history tends to repeat itself and hate crimes are on the rise…  Shoah wasn’t so long ago. My grandparents were lucky to survive the last time around, and our family luck is bound to run out sooner or later. 

It wasn’t just luck, I suppose. It was the access to education in the USSR (my entire family is from Belarus). Basically, in my family, everyone who wanted to go to a university went to a university (big change from the Tsarist times, when the only thing my family had access to was Yeshiva for boys). So, when the war started, my grandparents (and some of their siblings) were away at universities, away from the small Belorussian towns and villages that were occupied by the German army.

Not everyone survived. My grandfather’s little sister was at a university in St. Petersburg (then Leningrad). She starved during the blockade; she almost made it… she probably would have survived if there was medical care available. She died very soon after she got out of Leningrad. Their brother was in medical school and became a military doctor after the war started – he was killed. Which brings me back to luck – my other grandfather was also a military doctor, went to that same medical school, but survived the war and made it all the way to Berlin and back. 

One of my grandmothers was in college in Moscow. My other grandmother was in college in Leningrad but went to Moscow for an internship a few weeks before the war started. Her husband, my grandfather (the one with a sister who died of starvation and 2 brothers, one an army doctor [killed] and one in the tank division [killed], was at a railway engineering college in Moscow. He was sent to Siberia to build up the infrastructure during the war. Grandmother came with him. Their first baby was born and had died in Siberia. But they both survived the war and went on to have 3 more children.

So in a way, education saved my family. But luck was a big factor. 

There were people in small towns of Belarus who survived. Some of my great-grandparents. Some of my grandparents’ relatives. Some of my parents’ cousins. Some managed to get out in time and were evacuated. And some did not (I will remember them and tell our children about them). There were people in towns who tried to help – I don’t know for sure (unfortunately, those stories are now lost) – but there were villagers who would help people hide and escape. This gives me hope for the future – even during most terrible times, there are people who are willing to help others even when it means their own lives are endangered.

I digressed. This post was meant to be about the current existential dread, not the catastrophes of the past. Is it possible to detangle to present from the past? Is it possible to dissect our fears? The global pandemic is not helping, but I can’t help wonder if the root of this ever-present dread has been seeded so long ago it has become completely entangled in our existence? Was I feeling this expectation of impending disaster before the pandemic? I can’t remember.

Reading

 I have been in a bit of a reading slump for months now. I just haven’t been able to completely “get lost” in a book. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because it means that I have had time to do other things – like cleaning (meh but needs to get done), hanging out with kids, watching TV (meh but sometimes that’s all I am in the mood for at the end of a day), or catching up on work.

• I finally finished “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle” by Barbara Kingsolver. 

It was a good read and it definitely made me pay more attention to where my food comes from (and I am hoping to expand our garden to plant asparagus and rhubarb). It was entertaining, too. 

• The Saturday Morning Murder: A Psychoanalytic Case by Batya Gur

This was a slow read, both in terms of pacing and because it took me a couple of months to finish. I liked it! It’s just, like I said, I haven’t been able to get into the page-turning zone where I forget about everything else. 

A couple of quotes:

“He had an answer to everything, even when he had nothing to say.” 

[Yes! I know people like that!]

“She smiled and added with great sadness that it never occurred to her that it would be their last meeting. Her eyes filled with tears as she said that it was always like that; one always felt, she said as if to herself, that one had all the time in the world.”

• Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir.

I was not a huge fan of The Martian – not exactly sure why, just wasn’t my cup of tea. Project Hail Mary – I read it after my son’s raving reviews (he absolutely loved it). It is geared toward a somewhat younger audience (young teens, probably?) There were some aspects of it I absolutely loved, like the main character using very real science, real logic, and very real calculations to solve problems in the first few chapters. Overall, the book was just OK. I liked the mostly believable science based on actual scientific facts (science fiction as it should be!). The main character was a bit… too cheerful and too naive? Attempting to be humorous a bit too much? Not sure, but something felt off.

I think I am in the mood for some solid sci-fi.

Dear Reader, do you have a favorite science fiction book that you love to re-read?

Exams

 I don't ever want to take exams again.

I had to take a "Certified Medical Publication Professional" (known as CMPP) exam today. It was awful. It was painful. It was nearly 3 hours of long, convoluted questions. I don't ever want to do it again.

I have no idea if I will pass. The exam was hard and I am absolutely sure there were questions I got wrong.

I suppose there is an option to re-take it, if needed. But I really, really don't want to.

Will I get fired from my job if I fail the CMPP exam? Probably not, but it will most likely have a negative impact on long-term career stuff.

I spent hours and hours getting ready... reading a ton of relevant literature... 

My memory is terrible. 

Ugh.

Red Shorts

Our schools don't require uniforms. Except, as it turns out, for middle school gym class: yellow school T-shirt and red shorts.

Ugh, the whole red shorts thing is annoying. Nowhere in the supply list did it say that kids needed red shorts for gym. They needed special T-shirts we had to buy from the school (and that was a pain because all those shirts were huge). The supply list then said “any brand shorts”. So I didn’t worry – because kids have plenty of sports shorts. And then one of the PTG moms said that those shorts had to be red. Really? Because my kids have blue shorts, green shorts, black shorts, but, of course, no red shorts. Ugh. I ordered some from Amazon, but those will not be here until mid-September (and there is no guarantee that the sizes will work out). 

The school store did have some red shorts in stock - about 5 sizes too big for either of my middle schoolers. 

Yeah, I know, first world problems, la-di-da. 

Last weekend, I meant to go to Kohls to look for those dratted red shorts  – that didn’t happen (mostly because I hate shopping and try to avoid it as much as possible). 

I shouldn't complain. It's just that I worked pretty hard to get all the school stuff ready weeks in advance - I didn't want to stress about looking for something last-minute when it's probably sold out because everybody else needs it, too.

I am totally stressed out about red shorts.

First Day of School

 Today is the first day of school. I have 2 middle schoolers (6th and 7th grades) and a 2nd grader. It is mind-boggling. We were talking about this with the kids on the way to the school bus stop and reminiscing about all the things they used to do (play games, read books) while waiting for the bus pretty much on the same spot for the last... wait, how many years? 

There was a time, not so long ago, when the youngest was still in the stroller during the walk to the bus stop… She would get so excited about seeing the bus, she would be nearly jumping out of her seat. Has it really been 8 years since then? It feels just like a blink of an eye.

I feel like if I dare blink again, they’ll be graduating from high school…

Anyway, the kids look amazing. They are so excited to go back to school.

In other news: the weekend was good if a bit discombobulated. On Saturday, my husband’s parents came for a visit. There was cleaning, cooking, and… I don’t know what else. I’ve been so tired I could barely participate in any sort of conversation. I added too much garlic to the beet salad. The pineapple upside-down cake turned out rather flat (but at least edible). Clearly, I need to get more sleep.

On Sunday, we did our usual Farmers Market run, then made lunch, then puttered around the house (husband was sanding and re-finishing outdoor furniture). The kids played outside for a while with some new neighbourhood friends (we have new neighbors with young kids right next door and also across the street). It got hot in the afternoon and husband took the kids to the pool. In the evening, we watched “Spirited Away”. It was even better than I remembered!

And now... it feels weird that it is so quiet and no one is running into my attic study to ask questions every 5 minutes. I should be working, but I feel too hyper to be able to focus on anything.

Transitions

This August has been full of transitions. We came back from a beach vacation with extended family, then kids went to stay for a few days with their grandparents. They had a blast and then they came back home, to mom and dad working full time, to chores, to not being entertained 24/7… And we are all having a hard time. Husband and I are having a hard time because we are being interrupted every 5 minutes. Kids are having a hard time because we are asking them to do schoolwork, chores, and we are not spending as much time with them as they would like. We are working on re-setting the routines and expectations (for everyone). 

Transitions are the worst. Once we get settled into a routine, things are good. Kids know what to expect, I know what to expect, I feel more “in control” and less frazzled.

Next week, we have yet another transition: kids are going back to school. I need to prepare myself that the first few weeks may be rough. Also, the uncertainty around covid-19 adds a whole new dimension to stress and anxiety….

Feeling Frazzled

I have been feeling tired, stressed, frazzled, and grumpy.

All because of, in equal parts, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough R&R, too much anxiety about the school year, too much anxiety about everything else, and WORK.

Sleep and exercise: I am trying. I will try harder.

R&R: I need time to recharge. I need to go on solo hikes, read fun books, and daydream. I haven’t been able to do any of that in the last couple of weeks. It’s been a mish-mash of work, getting things ready for school, work, supervising kids, quick runs to the neighborhood pool, work, cooking, work, taking kids to school-related activities, work, work, driving somewhere to pick up last-minute presents, school supplies, or food items.

Anxiety: got to live with it… Sleep and exercise may help. R&R will also help. 

Work: I like working. I like my job. It is mentally challenging and I get to learn about stuff I normally wouldn’t think about. I also really like getting paid. But I do not enjoy high-pressure projects with unreasonable deadlines, one after another… I do not enjoy feeling overworked and frazzled. We do not have enough people for the amount of work we are getting. The results will not be optimal. Also, more people may quit (because they are overworked!) and that will make things even worse…

I feel a very strong need to go into a forest and just wonder around, aimlessly, for a long while. Or into a desert. Mountains would be great, too. But forest is the closest. 

Dear Reader: what's your favorite way to re-charge and how do you get rid of that grumpy feeling of being super annoyed with everything and everyone?

Weekend Report

• We visited friends and had an outdoor dinner at their place. Kids had fun playing together with their friends! We had some good conversations among the grown-ups.

• We went to the Farmer’s Market and got some amazing local produce (sweet peppers are unbelievable – so full of flavour!)

• We cleaned the dining room floor and moved part of a new desk we recently acquired for free (it’s pretty old – like early 20th century, I think, and needs a bit of help).

• We watched 2 movies with kids! Rear Window (the old one, with Jimmy Stewart) and Les Choristes (with English subtitles). Kids and I really enjoyed both and my husband sort of drifted in and out but was mostly there for the Rear Window. He is not big on foreign films with subtitles.

I remember the first time I watched Les Choristes with friends from the lab – Chicago film festival, back in the early 2000’s. One of the friends was originally from France, and she ended up sending me the CD of the soundtrack. My kids love listening to that CD!

• We did a few load of laundry, baked bread, made cabbage soup and meat loaf that should last us at least part of the week.

• We took kids to the pool Friday afternoon and then had sushi takeout dinner (our kids have been begging for sushi for weeks!).

• I made “Dutch baby” for Saturday morning breakfast and sour dough pancakes on Sunday. 

• My husband and son went on a 3 mile run around the neighborhood.

• Other chores included sporadic dusting and a tiny bit of tidying up.

• The kids and I started reading “Unplugged” by Gordon Korman. So far, we love it and it is so much fun to read it aloud!

I don’t know if I love it quite as much as “Unteachables” or “Schooled”, but we’ll see! We only read the first couple of chapters.

• Our middle daughter cut my husband’s hair (while I was away buying food). He says he is happy with the outcome.

• Then, she attempted to cut her big brother’s hair. I am not sure exactly what happened there (I believe they fought for control of the buzzer?) but he now has some spectacular bold spots on the back of his head. Just in time for the beginning of the school year next week!

• There was a lot of screaming (my screaming, mostly) when I returned from the store.

• Yes, hair grows back… but I really want my kids to look NICE when they go back to in-person school, first time since March 2019!!!!!

• We may have to make a trip to a fancy hair salon in the near future…

Anxiety

 There is always something to fret about:

Covid, or the new school year, or a new lump, or my kids' health.

There is always something to stress about:

A work-related project, whether my kid will get into high-level math, auditions, job interviews...

It's like there is a box that exists in my mind - the worry box - and it is never empty. As some things get resolved, new fears and anxieties come to fill it. It doesn't matter how good or how bad things get - the box stays about the same size (well, maybe expanding and contracting slightly). There is only so much room for anxiety, but there is always at least some room for anxiety.

At the beginning of the pandemic I was totally and completely freaking out about food. I was so worried that we will be in a situation when food will need to be rationed or that we will run out of essentials (flour! salt!) that I couldn't sleep.

I am pretty calm about grocery shopping these days (we are stocked up on flour and salt!), but now I am really worried about math in middle school (we have an upcoming meeting with the principal this week).

A couple of weeks ago, I wasn't worried about math, but I worried about a new lump.

Last week, when the kids were staying with the grandparents, my husband and I had the house to ourselves and could work to our hearts content. No interruptions! No stress - right?

Wrong! Thursday night, I had a near-meltdown because of a work project. True, the client is challenging and the deadlines are tight - but that wasn't anything new, that's been going on for the last few weeks! So all of a sudden, in the absence of stress and anxiety due to managing 3 kids while working full time, I had all this empty space in the worry box - so it got filled with the "next available representative".

That stupid worry box - it's like I can't function without a certain level of anxiety; if there is nothing obvious to worry about, I'll make it out of nothing.

Good thing: there are only a couple of things I can worry about at any given time... Once the "worry box" is at capacity, I can't be bothered with any additional anxieties... they'll just have to wait a week or two until there is space available... 

Revelations and Aliens Under the Bed

 Tomorrow, we will be driving to my in-laws to pick up the kids. All 3 have been at "Camp Grandma and Grandpa" since Monday evening.

In the absence of kids, there have been a few surprising and not-so-surprising revelations:

• There are barely any dirty dishes
• There is barely any cooking - everything we make lasts forever!
• The fruit we bought last Sunday is still in the baskets
• Time flies 
• Work can take up all the available time 
• Working without interruptions is amazing.
• Having a conversation with my husband is amazing when we are not interrupted every 30 seconds.

• The space under our son's bed is like a... horror movie. I suspect that whenever he was supposed to be cleaning his room, he just shoved stuff under his bed. I accidentally discovered the alien's nest when I pulled out some old cardboard and socks (just kidding). 
• Our son's closet is probably also hosting some alien life forms (aka, it's a mess).
• I think we need to be better about enforcing the room-cleaning chores.
• Why did I look under the bed? Well, I simply had nothing better to do... Also, I was organizing some drawers and getting rid of some kid clothing that's too small (much easier to do when kids are not home).

I am really looking forward to hugging the kids. I don't miss them in the sense "I wish they were here right now" but I am very excited about hearing all about their week, their adventures, the books they've read... 

There were a couple of things I wanted to get done while the kids were away. I wanted to go through some of their toys in the attic and donate or throw out stuff that was either outgrown or broken.* Done! We got a couple of donations boxes ready to go out and 2 garbage bags full of broken things. 

I also wanted to clean up the attic that is my work space as well as the kids playroom. I am about 1/3 done.

Dear Reader, how do you spend your time when your kids are away and you, all of a sudden, don't have the usual 1001 must-do's (laundry, cooking, comforting, entertaining, etc, etc)? Are you afraid to be alone or is being alone the only time you are truly free?

*We kept a good amount of their favorite baby toys and books, both for sentimental reasons and because some day, I hope there will be some babies around our house again. Stuff that got donated were the things that were not touched in >3 years.

Breathing is Bad (warning: hand-waving and navel-gazing present)

Three of us are vaccinated. Our younger 2 kids are not eligible for a vaccine yet. Covid-19 cases are going up, up, up.

I have complicated feelings about sending the 2 unvaccinated kids to school this fall. We did all stay home for a year-and-a-half: virtual school, virtual work, and minimal social interaction with people outside our immediate family. We finally emerged from the cocoon in late June, with kids attending summer camps (mostly outdoors), family gatherings, outdoor mask-less playdates, and masked trips to the library. However, with the super-infectious delta strain on the loose and no pediatric vaccine in sight, is this August any different than last August, when we decided to have kids do all-virtual school?

I keep asking myself - am I sending the kids to school because I feel it is safer now than a year ago or am I sending the kids to school because I am tired of isolating them?

It is a little bit of both: the older (and most vulnerable) generation in our family is all vaccinated. My husband and I are vaccinated. Hopefully most teachers are (or will be) vaccinated. All the kids will be required to wear masks, at least in the near future. But also, yes, virtual school - I am kind of over it and the kids are definitely over it (they did well last year but it is just not sustainable for our family in the long-term). Also, this year, virtual school is done by some sort of contract organization (Ednemtum?) that doesn't look great.

I am more or less resigned to the fact that our kids will get covid this fall or winter (even with mask requirements). I'd much rather that they get the immunity from the vaccine, but... Right now, delta strain is very contagious but not super deadly for most kids (relatively speaking). Could there emerge another strain that IS more deadly to younger people? In the absence of a vaccine, I'd rather our kids contract the current version than something even more virulent.

And yes, if (when?) our kids get covid, we will isolate and quarantine and do everything possible to avoid spreading it to others.

There are terrible risks associated with covid (long-term organ damage, including brain damage, is terrifying). But there are terrible risks associated with so many other things that go along with the pandemic: anxiety, insomnia, social isolation. 

Long time ago, I was complaining to my father about long-term effects of pesticides. He sort of rolled his eyes and said: "Pesticides-shmesticides! Natasha, breathing is very bad for you. Just think about all the chemicals, smoke, pollutants you are inhaling with every breath."

I love my father.

Yes, pesticides are bad. We should definitely avoid them, if possible. But it's not useful to constantly agonize and obsess about it - because he is right, the very air we breath can kill us. So what's the option there- stop breathing? stop eating? wear a gas mask at all times? 

Trying to stay safe and healthy: yes, please. But everything can be taken to absurdity... 

Dear Reader: what do you consider reasonable precautions and what would be absurd? Doesn't have to be covid, let's say... lyme disease! To avoid lyme disease (btw, no vaccine available! and long-term effects can be devastating), would you a) never go outside; b) check for ticks every evening; c) something else?

Back at Home

I love coming back home. Everything is so comfortable and familiar. And quiet (relatively).

We had a good week at the beach with the extended family. There were some squabbles between our kids at the very end, mostly because everyone became moody and difficult when they were tired and not feeling 100%. There was lots of staying up late with the cousins (which was OK for the 11 and 12-year-olds but more difficult for the 7-year-old). There was a cold going around (not Covid). 

There was wave-jumping in the ocean, lots of boogie-boarding fun, and a ton of “hunting” for seashells, crabs, and other life forms. Everyone got knocked over (by the waves) and sucked in lots of salty water – but then got back up and back to fun. There were almost no kid emergencies (none that were ocean-related). 

There were 8 kids all together – and it was great to see all the cousins bonding. My husband and I were able to go on walks while the kids watched movies. We all went on bike rides. There was some cooking and cleaning – but nothing overwhelming (because all 8 adults and older kids could all help as needed).

Later today, we will be taking all 3 kids to “Camp Grandma and Grandpa” – they will be staying with the grandparents for the rest of the week. Kids are super excited (in addition to hanging out with grandparents and great-grandparents, they’ll also be able to visit with their cousins).

I am not sure what I will be doing with myself while the kids are away… Wondering around the house aimlessly? Weeding the garden? Cleaning out the laundry room? Reading?

Update

 I feel like celebrating.

The lump turned out to be yet another cyst. So I am good (for now).

The economy may collapse.

The pandemic is raging on without an end in sight.

And yet...

And yet, like my grandparents used to say (and they should know... they lived through World War 2, communism, totalitarian governments, collapse of the USSR, moving to a capitalist society, and numerous other upheavals): the most important thing is for everyone to be alive and healthy. The rest - we will figure it out.

Dear reader: how do you celebrate good news? I feel like I should do something special... 

Lump and Other News

 While on vacation in Vermont, I found a lump on my right side. I have a mammogram and an ultrasound appointment tomorrow. I am nervous (to put it mildly...); I go back and forth from super-anxiety to completely forgetting about it and back to super-anxiety.

As usual, I keep jumping to worse-case-scenarios. I keep thinking... if I get to be alive for another 5 years, my youngest would be 12... In 10 years, our kids will be 17, 21, and 22. There are no guarantees in life - I know I need to enjoy and treasure every day I get. Still, I am terrified of dying and leaving my family vulnerable.

I've had lumps before. Cysts, mostly. Also, a fibroadenoma. But my mind goes to dark, dark places...

In other news: 2 kids are doing soccer camp and are really enjoying it. One kid has a sleepover at my parents.

Next week, we are going to the beach with my husband's family. It's going to be a lot of people sharing 1 house, 1 kitchen, etc, etc. It's stressful to think about, but I thin the kids will have a blast (there will be 8 kids in all, ranging from 3 to 12).

I signed up our gymnastics-loving child for gymnastics lessons in the fall (I told her she will need to wear a mask). The other 2 will probably do soccer. 

We need to get school supplies. I hope to take kids to our local paper-goods store so that they can pick out folders, binders, pencils, and notebooks. If there is anything we can't find there - I'll order it on Amazon.

There are a ton of school-related events in late August... I am excited for our kids who will be starting 2nd, 6th, and 7th grades.

Dear reader, have you ever had an abnormal mammogram? A biopsy? How do you deal with the wait time?

 

Vermont Vacation Report (Brief)

 

• We went kayaking on a beautiful lake.
• We picked and ate wild blueberries.
• We went hiking.
• We picked and then ate wild mushrooms! 
• For complete transparency: I didn't pick any mushrooms but I carried some home. We were out on a walk with  my cousin and his family near the house we rented and there were mushrooms all over the place (but we didn't think to bring any bags or containers with us, so we all ended up carrying piles of mushrooms). 
• My cousin was teaching my kids about edible/inedible mushroom and then he did all the necessary clean-up and cooking.
• We went on a farm and kids played with and petted horses, cows, chickens, donkey, etc, etc.
• We got ice cream.
• We tried lots of local pies, breads, and cookies.
• We went exploring nearby towns and villages (driving through, or walking in the streets).
• We bought LOTS of Vermont maple syrup.
• We checked out ski lifts and learned that they doubled as bike lifts in the summer: mountain biking!!! (Not that I want to try it, but neat!)

It is good to be home... 

Going to Vermont!

 We are leaving for Vermont tomorrow.

As usual:

• We are not packed yet

• We don’t have any specific plans as to what we will be doing there

• We still need to clean up the house (because it’s always better to come back to a somewhat tidy house)

What I did this week? Besides work and shuttling kids to and from camp? Well, funny you should ask… I went to the stores 2 times! I bought (and then returned) hiking boots (too small!). I bought a new skirt, a new dress, a new rain jacket, and spent 10 minutes ogling at stuff at Williams and Sonoma.

I also spent way too much time shopping on-line for birthday presents for H (she needed a desk chair, a backpack, a computer case/binder, a calculator, a daily planner, and a water bottle), random kitchen storage jars (a couple will be for H – she likes this sort of thing), and new soccer cleats for the 2 kids who play soccer. 

At some point this summer, I am going to need to shop for clothing for all 3 kids (because they grow… and their stuff wears out… and I barely bought any clothing for them since the pandemic started…). Meh. 

Shopping is stressful. 

Trips are stressful, too. But usually worth and the work and stress it takes to get ready, pack, and unpack. Plus, this time, H made a list of all the things we need to pack. 

Camp & Adventure

 The kids are in half-day summer camp this week. E is doing golf. C and H are in “Team Games”. They seem to like it well enough (they were bursting with stories about the games they played and kids they met). I am very excited for them – they get to try new things and meet new people. 

I wish there were summer camps for grown-ups (are there?). I would love to try something new for a week: learn how to play gaga, or tennis, or maybe even volleyball. Even if it’s just for a couple of hours each day… But that is exactly the problem, isn’t it? Where do I get those extra 2 hours? Between work, household stuff, kids… I guess it could be done if I took some time off work.

It’s not like I am bored. I have plenty to do (both chores and fun stuff). I have at least some daily leisure time (typically in the evening) – I chose to spend it reading books, or watching movies, or playing the piano. I go on walks – sometimes with kids, sometimes by myself. I go on bike rides. 

It’s just that… I am kind of in the mood for something exciting… something new, something (a little bit) outside the comfort zone.

I feel like a hobbit who is considering going on an adventure: sounds dangerous, so perhaps better stay home… but also sounds fun and exciting… but what about breakfast, elevenses, and lunch?

Dear reader, what is your favorite adventure?

Parenting is Hard Part 2

Parenting is hard.

I am that parent that had to carry a screaming child out of a restaurant.

I am that parent that walked with a stony face on a hiking trail, one kid in a baby carrier, the other one hanging on to my hand and screaming because they were mad at me for refusing to carry them on top of their younger sibling.

I am that parent whose kid ripped their shoes and socks off and ran down the street while I was unloading the other kid and all the stuff from the car.

I am a parent of a kid who climbed on the roof (well, one of those entrance overhang things) while I was helping their sibling get changed after a swim lessons. [I was really surprised no one called the pool management. Or police. Dear Reader, if you see children doing something stupid and unsafe please feel free to yell at them. I feel like if this happened in Russia, the kid would have been yelled at by a grumpy granny. That said, my friends used to climb roofs all the time…]

On the other hand...

I am a parent of a kid who would rather run next to their friend to make them feel better than win a race.

I am a parent of a kid who has an amazing sense of direction and makes sure I don't get lost.

I am a parent of kids who are curious, friendly, and imaginative.

I am a parent of kids who are excited to try new things.

I am a parent who enjoys spending time with the kids.

I am a parent who needs some uninterrupted time to work and do personal things and gets grumpy when kids run in and ask questions every 2 minutes (even when I am in my sacred space – on the toilet!!!).

Parenting is hard (much harder than I anticipated). It is also fun (much more fun than I expected). It is also breathtakingly amazing to see the kids grow. The kids are so beautiful. The kids are so frustrating when they question (my) authority and fight with each other.

Conclusion:

Parenting is hard. I don’t have any answers. Kids are amazing. No one has any answers. We are all doing our best. It may or may not be enough.

Parenting is Hard Part I

It is a well-known but often forgotten fact that parenting is hard. 

If you see our kids quietly browsing books at the library, or obediently following us from point A to point B, please know that it’s but a snippet of reality. If you are ever tempted to be amazed at how obedient and well-behaved our kids are – ha – it’s just an illusion. The stars have aligned just right and at that very moment the kids were indeed on their best behaviour. Our kids are not amazingly obedient or quiet most of the time.

If you see our kids throwing temper tantrums, wining, making demands – please know that’s just a snippet of reality. Our kids are not bratty screaming horrors most of the time. 

If you see me scolding my kids (aka yelling) – please don’t give me a stink eye. Sometimes the kids do unsafe things that freak me out, sometimes I lose my temper because I’ve been sleep deprived, sometimes there are things going on that are not obvious to innocent bystanders.

If you see my kids being polite, helpful, kind, and sweet – please don’t ask me how I did it. Because I didn’t do anything. Or if I did – I have no idea what it was.

Parenting is hard. I have no idea if I am doing it right or wrong. Actually, there are probably a great many things I am doing wrong. I am doing my best – at any given moment in time. I don’t think there is any sort of overall universal parenting wisdom or sage advice that exists… we all have to figure it out, make mistakes, and just hope for the best.

If you think you have a recipe for raising perfect kids – you are so, so wrong. If something works for your family (sleep training, paying for grades, limiting screen time, always being consistent with consequences, giving kids responsibilities) – great, but I guarantee it’s not going to work for everyone. 

Unsolicited parenting advice can be so aggravating. 

Actually, unsolicited opinions on parenting can be equally aggravating.

And yet, sometimes, it can be so, so hard to NOT give unsolicited advice or opinion.... Funny, that....

A Week at the Shore

I am not big on beach vacations. I don’t particularly like sitting in the sun. I don’t love the clean-up after being out in the sand and salt water.

But I do love the feel of the sand under my feet. And I like being in the water (although I tend to get smacked around by waves and swallow what feels like half the Atlantic Ocean). I like walking along the water, in the shallows. I love, love, love digging for sand crabs (it’s all catch-and-release). 

I love watching our kids – jumping in the waves, boogie boarding, catching things (sand crabs, hermit crabs, regular crabs), collecting shells, building sand castles and giant moats.

They caught 52 sand crabs in just about an hour – poor things were all stuffed into a rather small pink bucket with some sand and water. I think they were very happy when they were finally released back into the wild. They also caught quite a few hermit crabs and tried to have a race – but the hermit crabs would not cooperate and all went in different direction.

We also went kayaking and biking. And we had a movie day (“Hook” was excellent – I love Robin Williams). And we went to a bakery, and to a candy store, and to a giant farmers market.

It was a busy week at the shore. I am so glad I am back home.

By the way. Dear reader, if you or your kids tend to get cold in the water and begin to shake uncontrollably after about 10 minutes – wetsuits work really, really well! The water was probably around 69F? So not frigid, but not super warm, either. With wetsuits on, all 3 of our kids (even the ones super sensitive to cold) were able to stay in the water for over an hour. 

Taste of Childhood

 Last week, we stopped by my parents’ house for a quick visit. My dad is doing an amazing job with his garden. There is a jungle of cucumber and tomato plants. Beautiful peas. A ton of dill. Not a weed in sight.

The star of the week, however, was gooseberry.

It started as a mail order error. We ordered a few trees and berry plants from a nursery we’ve been using for the past 5 years. We got everything plus 2 tiny gooseberry plants. We didn’t particularly want gooseberries because they can be carriers for a fungus that kills pine trees, and we have a ton of pine trees around. So, we offered the gooseberry plants to my parents (who don’t have any pines in their yard or nearby).

Three years later, my parents have divided and planted gooseberry bushes all around their yard. For the past couple of months, the kids and I have been eyeing the little green globes attached to those thorny stems – are they ready yet? How about now?

Finally, my dad picked the berries – still not fully ripe, but the birds were beginning to devour them. And oh my, the flavor.

I am not sure how long it has been since I’ve had fresh gooseberries. Possibly, not since we came to the US 27 years ago? They are not popular here, same as black and red currants (mmmm I love red currants). 

Kids loved them, too. 

They are tart, with a flavor that makes me think “fresh!” and “spring!”. I remember my mom brining gooseberries home from the farmers’ market when I was a child – a whole big bag, and we would sort through them, and eat, and eat, and eat. They were some of the earlier berries – earlier than raspberries and blueberries.

Delicious.