Falling

In the last month, I've had 2 biopsies. First, an ultrasound-guided one. The mass that they thought corresponded to the abnormal MRI finding turned out to be a benign fluid-filled cyst. Which is great, on one hand (benign!), but that also meant that they didn't get the right spot (because the thing that came up on MRI was definitely not a cyst). 

So,  I needed the MRI-guided biopsy. The radiologist said to expect a phone call with results later this week.

I feel like a biopsy over-achiever. I should have a tally: thyroid biopsy (check), multiple ultrasound-guided breast biopsies (check), breast-surgery-biopsy combo (check), MRI-guided biopsy (check).

Now waiting for results.

Falling into anxiety. And exhaustion. And general sense that the world may collapse at any moment...

Parents and Children

 

Some musings on the theme of whether or not children owe anything to the parents...

One of the culture shocks after coming to the US in the 90's was my perception that, for many families, once children were 18, they were expected to move out and be independent. Where I grew up, it was common for children to live with parents until marriage... and sometimes even after marriage, as multi-generational families.

After nearly 30 years here, I see a lot more nuance... but still, children are expected to "take wing" around 18, although this may simply mean that the said child moves away to college that the parents are paying for. Parents, on the other hand, are expected to carry on with their lives, have hobbies, travel, not rely on their children, and be independent and self-sufficient. Is there an inherent assumption that, once grown up, children and parents are no longer connected? 

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Children did not ask to be born... parents bring them into this world, raise them (to the best of their abilities), feed them, educate them... One could argue that these are all "gifts" we give to our children, and when you give gifts, you shouldn't expect anything in return. Let's assume that the parents are not horrible abusive individuals, but regular mortals who do their best but often make mistakes. Should grown children have an obligation to do anything for the parents? Or is it completely peachy if they never want to speak to the parents again? 

Maybe because I am so lucky to have amazing loving parents who would do anything for me, the idea that I can just... forget about them and drop them once they are no longer useful makes me want to cry.

I "owe" everything to my parents. It feels me with dread that someday I will not have them anymore.

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On the flip side, if you are a parent , should you still "owe" to your kids to support them, help them, do anything for them when they are 20? 30? How about 15? Is there an age where you say "my dearest child, I no longer owe you... anything" or are we responsible for our children forever? 

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I do my best to provide a good, safe environment where my kids can learn necessary skills and values (integrity and grit) in order to survive, and I want to instill belief that they can get through anything. I do my best to have fun with kids, to make good memories and solid foundation for their future lives. I want them to know they are loved and valued (always and forever). We don't know what the future holds, but I hope that if they have dark moments, they'll be able to reach back to their childhood and use the happiness and all the good stuff to give them strength.

I really want my kids to become decent human beings. I love them and I want them to be happy - but I absolutely expect them to not be selfish little pricks who think the world owes them something. I wouldn't want them to feel like they are responsible for my happiness or well-being, and I don't expect them to support me in my old age (but some help would be nice).

I am not sure where this is all going...  Relationships are complicated. Families are complicated. I want to have a family that, year after year, is able to have fun together... even if there are disagreements (politics! money!), even if we annoy each other... I want to be there for my kids and I want them to be there for me.

 

Medical Stuff

I had a biopsy yesterday. Waiting for results... 

Quick recap: there was an abnormal finding during an MRI scan (I get those once a year because I'm high risk for breast cancer) and the original radiologist recommended a biopsy. However, the radiologists at my practice did not think the mass was suspicious (it looked like it's been there for a couple of years). The surgeon (who did my surgery back in 2020) thought that it would be a good idea to do a biopsy anyway, just to be on the safe side.

They were able to use ultrasound to find something that looked like the right size and the right place to match the MRI findings. They can't be 100% sure they biopsied the right thing, though, because that mass "collapsed", suggesting it's a cyst, and cysts don't look like that thing they saw on MRI. 

• I am immensely glad that the medicine and technology are so advanced - the whole biopsy procedure took just a few minutes and I was at the office for less than 2 hours. There was minimal discomfort and no pain. I was able to get back to work and back to regular life 
• If needed (and if insurance covers it), there is an option of additional MRI.
• There is also an option for MRI-guided biopsy, if needed.
• I am very impressed that I can get all these follow-ups, tests, scans. Yes, they take time - but it is so important to catch cancer early.
• Thinking of all the friends who have cancer: there are new treatments being developed, new ways of minimizing side effects, there is so much research (both in academia and by big pharma) that aims to extend lives and maximize the quality of life.

 

Halloween

Yesterday, H had her first lesson of 2nd session of rock climbing. She was bouncing off the walls. I don't know if it's the actual climbing or all the Halloween candy that's making her so hyper...

Halloween was... OK. I don't know, I just don't get particularly excited about costumes, candy, or wondering around in the dark with a bunch of hyper kids. We had 2 clowns and Kate from the Mysterious Benedict Society. 

To be honest, putting together (very last minute, as always) a clown costume for our youngest was pretty fun. H did her face paint. (I wonder if I can convince our kids to put together a clown show of some sort for Thanksgiving....)

I was trying to convince our 14-year old that he was too old for this... he didn't buy into it.

About 20 minutes into our trick-or-treating, the rain started to drip. But the kids wanted to keep going... so we did.

Random (rhetoric) questions:

• Why do we have to dress up on a specific day? Why can't we dress up in costumes whenever we want to?
• Why do kids like candy so much?
• Would they dress up for Halloween and walk around the neighborhood if there was no candy involved?
• Will I remember the Halloween stuff fondly? Will I miss the hubbub? Will I be relieved once the kids no longer want to do it? Will I regret not doing more while they are still little-ish?

Weekend Report

 We had a beautiful weekend in Washington DC. We walked around - a lot! We went to Air and Space Museum. 

There was whining. There were near temper tantrums (including one of mine). There was quite a bit of hanger.

Favorite things this weekend: 

Saturday: Library of Congress, the amazing weather, the view of the Capitol (we couldn't go inside), Lincoln Memorial and the Reflection pool, WWII Memoiral and the fountains. The wide streets, the architecture, Iran human rights demonstration, the activity near the White House (road blocked off! black fancy car*! multiple security cars! EMT truck!). Also, futuristic-looking electric unicycles people were zooming around  on!

Sunday: space shuttle, military planes, Concord, WWI-era planes, Japanese kamikaze plane, old computers and equipment used for space exploration and reconnaissance missions, treasure hunt through the museum with C, eating outside and watching the airplanes land. Visiting my best friend from college before she and her family leave for another country.

*Oh man, I haven't thought of "Chaika" in decades - those were the black shiny government cars back in the USSR.

And, like a sword over my head - the upcoming imaging (end of this week) and then, on a different day (yet to be scheduled), a biopsy. And the dark thoughts that I waited too long, that I should have pushed for it more, and earlier, and got the results back sooner...

October Snapshots

Kids activities:

• E has the most stuff. Weekly violin lessons and Young Musician Orchestra rehearsals. At school, he has cross country (although the season is over this week), Honor Strings, and French Club. He also helps out at Hebrew School.
• H has piano lessons and she is doing rock climbing once a week. She is also in French Club. She started taking lessons to prepare for her Bat Mitzvah.
• C has piano lessons and is doing soccer. (Need to find something else for her to do, sports-wise, for winter months). Plus, Hebrew School.

Parent activities:

• Work, occasional walks, reading, TV shows, updating the mud room (painting, new furniture, etc).

Fun stuff: 

• Hilary Hanh concert with E and my mom, followed by chocolate treats. 
• E and H went to a local scare-park (Bates Motel). They went on different days, with different groups of friends. E (who is 14) said “not scary at all!” but had fun hanging out wit his friends. H (she is 12) said that she had her eyes closed most of the time (and got around by holding someone’s hand or getting piggy-back rides*) but had fun with her friends.
• We are going to Washington DC with my parents this weekend.
• E had friends over for dinner and sleepover.
• We went on a very nice hike last weekend! Miracle of miracles – no one complained!
• Family bike ride two weekends ago. There was some complaining from kids (too many hills… too tired… too bored… not going fast enough…) but we survived.
• A walk at a local arboretum with friends (and their kids). The kids got lost (or the parents got lost, depending on who asked), but it all worked out. One of the kids borrowed a phone from the person at the entrance check-in and called to tell us where they were. (E, the oldest, wasn’t there because he was planting trees somewhere else with his friends).

Not good stuff:

• A neighbor and a friend was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
• I need a biopsy.
• My parents are depressed (because of health stuff).
• War in Ukraine
• Politics

Good stuff:

• We are alive.
• There are lots of books at the library.
• Fall colors are beautiful.
• I can go walking in the park.
• There are exciting concerts coming up (Rachmaninoff’s piano concertos! Shchedrin’s version of Carmen! Peer Gynt performance for kids!)
• Our local theater is doing Sound of Music
• I can hang out with my parents during E’s YMO rehearsal.

*H is very small for her age.

MRI, Risks, etc.

Hello again. It’s been a while. 

I’m high risk for breast cancer, so I get to have an annual breast MRI in addition to an annual mammogram. MRI is expensive, so there are a bunch of hoops I need to jump through every year in order to get it scheduled. There is an authorization code that the ordering physician needs to obtain and send me, and then I have to send it to the MRI office. I have to do all radiology (including MRI) at a different provider than the one all my doctors are affiliated with. Which means I need to physically bring CDs with mammogram images to the MRI office, and then take CDs with MRI images to my surgeon’s office (except it seems like this year they finally managed to share electronic records – so maybe I won’t have to do it next year?). Also, breast MRI has to be done during a certain time of my menstrual cycle, so that complicates the planning and scheduling.

I had my MRI done a few weeks ago in September, and then I waited patiently for the results. As usual, hoping “not yet”, hoping that they wouldn’t find anything of interest.

Unfortunately, they did find something. There was a small mass that the radiologist at the MRI office flagged as bi-rads 4, and recommended biopsy.

Except then another radiologist (at my usual provider’s office) looked at the MRI results and said “not so fast”. He disagreed with the conclusions of the 1st radiologist – because that mass was not new, it’s been there for a couple of years. So, he said “no biopsy needed – have the original radiologist take a second look.”

I was temporarily relieved. No biopsy – great – who wants biopsy? I’ve had a few – they are not fun. I wouldn’t want to undergo an unnecessary biopsy.

Except the 1st radiologist stood by her initial assessment and said “yes, biopsy”.

At which point I began to slightly freak out. I mean, freaking out because one needs a biopsy – OK, it’s scary, because there is always a chance that it may be cancer. But here I was freaking out because I didn’t know what to do – 2 experts were giving me opposing opinions. Also, both radiologists pretty much refused to talk to me in person (or on the phone). 

After numerous phone calls with the nurse practitioner, asking her questions that she couldn’t really answer, I finally managed to get an appointment with the breast surgeon who did my surgery back in 2020.

I had a whole list of questions to figure out why there was such a discrepancy between the different radiologists, and what should be done, etc, etc. Most questions turned out to be unnecessary because the breast surgeon said – you have 45% lifetime risk of developing breast cancer (because atypical ductal hyperplasia plus a few other factors), you are doing everything we asked you to do in terms of screening, so yes, let’s do a biopsy. 

I actually feel better… Yes, I need a biopsy, but it’s better to know, one way or another. If it’s indeed nothing interesting and the 2nd radiologist was correct – fantastic. If it’s cancer – it best to know while it’s still small.

There is still one caveat – they may not be able to see the mass on the ultrasound. In which case, I’ll need MRI-guided biopsy.

In the meantime… I’ll do my best to not give into the panic mode. I’ll keep saying “please…. Not yet.”

Dear cancer, I know you’ll probably get me eventually – but can you please wait…. 

Just wait.